Focus on the Family Does Not Condone Divorce for Physical or Emotional Abuse

And remember, Focus's official policy prohibits divorce for physical abuse and emotional abuse, no matter how bad it gets. The abuser can lock their family in a room, restrain them with chains, beat the children, and put a gun to their spouse's head, and Focus on the Family still does not condone divorce. Here is their own official divorce policy statement. If you read their policy, they tell the victim to adopt a "zero-tolerance policy toward abuse," but those words are meaningless when facing a chronic abuser. It's a toothless threat coming from an organization that categorically opposes divorce for abuse, excuses abusers, blames wives for their husband's behavior, and makes false claims that divorce is worse for kids than abuse.

So if You Wish to Attend, That's Up to You

If you want to attend, and say you did everything you could to save your marriage, then, by all means, do it. Many people of deep faith need to feel they tried everything. If you want to give it "one last chance," to appease your pastor or parents, go for it. Just go in with your eyes open, and guard yourself against the spiritual manipulation that suggests that your faith and good example will fix your destructive marriage. If YOU aren't the abuser, cheater, or addict, you cannot fix the abuser, cheater or addict, no matter how godly you are. No matter how righteous your prayers are, God doesn't override people's free will. Watch out for "minimizing" and "misdirection," too. For example, the manual will suggest that your "feelings" of anger are the problem. But what if your feeling of anger is normal and understandable? For example, if your spouse destroys your mobile phone deliberately, cheats on you, or steals your wedding silver to pay for a drug/alcohol addiction, your feelings aren't the problem. The behavior directed at you, the behavior that led to your feelings, is the problem.

These programs fail a lot. If 1-in-5 couples divorce in less than 2 years, then how many are divorced at the 5-year point? Maybe another one or two couples out of five? Divorcing a spouse with a pattern of deception, cheating, or abuse is a process that might take more than two years to finalize. Perhaps it's better to use $6,000 to hire a good attorney instead.

More than 200 people in my private Facebook group (made up of mainly Christian marital abuse victims) say they've attended multi-day marriage intensives or retreats that did not do a "miracle." In fact, I often ask if they know anyone whose marriage did a 180-degree turn after one of these intensive. They usually point to those marriages that had struggles of everyday life external to the relationship, such as job loss, illness, financial reversals, or the death of a family member, not the ones with abuse, adultery, pedophilia, or addictions.

One woman who finally found peace by getting a divorce said:
"Much of the trauma that I seek healing from is from the misplaced trust that I put in these professionals who “shared my faith” and sought to save the marriage and keep the family together at all costs."

Yet People are Desperate and Hope Restored Brings in Money

Focus on the Family's public tax records show that the year they added this program they brought in $2.5 million from their marriage enrichment programs.

Now, nearly 10 years later, with more locations open in the United States, plus three new locations in Canada, who knows how much they bring in? Just in the past 18 months, they've increased their counseling staff listed on their public website by nearly 30% between Feb 2022 and June 2023 (see below). Who knows how many people they lure with their miracle claims? It's a lot of money and a lot of frightened wives.

We know that 1-in-4 highly religious couples in the U.S. have experienced intimate partner violence, the vast majority of them are Christians, so there are plenty of Focus on the Family listeners who eagerly sign up. Focus hires a big-name advertising agency to send out millions of messages every year via direct mail and their million-name email list. To give you an idea of their advertising efforts, they paid Ambassador Advertising Agency more than $10 million in tax year 2014. But that's nothing compared to their income. Their website says they've helped more than 7,000 couples in the past 20 years. At $5,000 per couple, that would be $35 million dollars.

(Focus on the Family asked the IRS to reclassify them—from being a "nonprofit" to being a "church"—so the public no longer has access to how much income they receive from these programs.)

But we do know this from people who've attended, Hope Restored isn't good at fixing abusive, addicted, or cheating spouses. They teach communication skills. And frankly, learning communication skills doesn't fix abusers, cheaters, or addicts. It just makes them better manipulators.

Abusers are clever. They know that Focus on the Family insists on reconciliation in cases of abuse. They count on Focus on the Family to side with them. That’s why they aren’t afraid to go to Hope Restored marriage intensives. Especially in the case of abusive husbands, the men are confident the counselors there will put pressure on the wife not to divorce him. In contrast to how they treat wives, the counselors give husbands a lot of praise and loving “support” for acknowledging their difficulty in controlling their emotions.

How do I know? I have interviewed many people. I have more than 200 members in my private Facebook group who say they've attended one or more overnight marriage intensives or retreats and their marriages got worse.

In part 2 of this series, I document Hope Restored's attempts to manipulate participants to believe that divorce universally destroys kids, which it doesn't. Research shows that 8 in 10 kids of divorce turn out fine, with no long-term serious emotional, psychological, or social problems.

The shocking truth one attendee discovered... 

"My husband had tried to kill me....  Hope Restored staff prohibited me from talking about the abuse"

We did three week-long intensives. The first week-long intensive was court-ordered. We went right after our 2-year restraining order ended. (He had tried to kill me.) An off-duty police officer had to guard my door at night while we were there. I hadn't seen or talked to my husband, other than in court, for 2 years. Boy, did he put on an act for the staff. The therapists LOVED my husband. They encouraged me to get back together with him. Told me it was safe. They pretend to be the experts but they know nothing about how to get abusive men to stop abusing. They prohibited me from talking about the abuse we were enduring. Sure, they sometimes have tools that helped me in other relationships. Nonetheless, through talks with the founders of Hope Restored, I came to understand that every intensive, marriage weekend getaway, etc., is always a manipulative stunt used to make the organization a lot of money. They are not interested in learning how to protect and help those that come to them that are being abused."

The staff I interacted with were: Robert S. Paul, Mark Pyatt, Bob Burbee, Gary Brugman, Brett Sparks, Christine Arnzen, and Ken Bryant.

Another Hope Restored participant said... 

"I wish they would be upfront about their program"

"When you arrive at the Michigan retreat, they give out a book that says that certain kinds of situations will not change. My husband's serial adultery was one of them.  I wish they would be upfront. But they took our money anyway. At least 3 of the 5 couples in our program were in seriously destructive marriages, and I stayed in touch with them. They haven't seen a miraculous change. We had good leaders, including Ryan Pannell, and I thought he did an excellent job. But our marriage was at a level they couldn't fix. I felt safe and comfortable, and they did mention the possibility of divorce, but bottom line: The program is not what they advertise.  In front of the Hope Restored staff, my husband would admit his fault, but behind closed doors, it was all my fault and he continued his affairs. I don't think my hope was restored, and I told the staff that. My pastor and my family supported my decision to file for divorce." 

A third Hope Restored participant said, 

"If there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer"

"The counselors focused only on communicating the ministry’s marriage model and learning communication skills, nothing else.  Childhood abuse from parents, porn use, psychological and emotional abuse appeared avoided, even though attendees cried as they shared the impact of these events on their individual lives....

"I asked the head counselor, “How can I apply what you are teaching to my situation?”  His answer was, “I can’t help you.” Yes, you read that correctly.  Moreover, the only wisdom he added was, “He is not a safe person for you.” There you have it.  $4,000 later, and I hear, “He is not safe for you.”  “I cannot help you.” That is the overall summary of their advice to me during the week.

"I went to Focus on the Family for help, but in return, I received a heavier load than I carried before.  Anyone who studies narcissism at any depth quickly learns that narcissists do not see themselves as victims but as superiors.  My husband has openly admitted to this. But after being sympathized with as a helpless victim, he grew stauncher and more arrogant in his resistance to me and health in our marriage.  If the counselors had any heart or even any serious training on these issues, then maybe the story could be different.  But in light of my experience, if there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer."

A Hope Restored participant said, 

They make it impossible to contact your counselors later on.

It appears that the counselors get no feedback after the marriage intensive is over. Perhaps that's why they sound so happy and hopeful on the marketing advertisements. Maybe they don't know how poorly things turned out for you.

"... they don’t give us access to any of the counselors. We spent thousands of dollars counseling with [those therapists]. There is no way to follow up with the people who actually know our story. There’s no way to connect with them at all. They make it impossible to actually give legitimate feedback"

What Do They Teach at Hope Restored Marriage Intensives?

Vice President Robert S. Paul wrote the Hope Restored Marriage Intensive manual. He's been part of Hope Restored since the early days when it was called the Smalley Institute and National Institute of Marriage. The stated goal on their website is to keep you married. That is their only success metric. The very first thing they do is try to scare you that divorce destroys kids. The first 4 pages are dedicated to that mission. For actual quotes see "Part 2: What does Hope Restored Teach about Kids and Divorce?" The manual uses all kinds of gaslighting and manipulation to convince victimized spouses that their feelings are the problem, not the arrogance or cheating or violence that caused their feeling of anger, betrayal, and fear. Instead of calling a spade a spade, they call these marriage-destroying sins "buttons" that your spouse pushes. This makes the injured spouse feel guilty in some way for their feelings, and for letting their "buttons" be pushed and reacting, rather than putting the responsibility where it belongs: on their spouse's abuse or adultery or drug/alcohol/gambling addictions.