And remember, Focus's official policy prohibits divorce for physical abuse and emotional abuse, no matter how bad it gets. The abuser can lock their family in a room, restrain them with chains, beat the children, and put a gun to their spouse's head, and Focus on the Family still does not condone divorce. Here is their own official divorce policy statement. If you read their policy, they tell the victim to adopt a "zero-tolerance policy toward abuse," but those words are meaningless when facing a chronic abuser. It's a toothless threat coming from an organization that categorically opposes divorce for abuse, excuses abusers, blames wives for their husband's behavior, and makes false claims that divorce is worse for kids than abuse.

So if you wish to attend, that's up to you. If you want to go, and say you did everything you could to save your marriage, then, by all means, do it. If you want to give it "one last chance," you won't get any criticism from me. Some of us feel we just need to try everything. Just go in with your eyes open.

These programs fail a lot. If 1-in-5 couples divorce in less than 2 years, then how many are divorced at the 5-year point? Maybe another 1 in 5? Divorcing a spouse with a pattern of deception, cheating, or abuse is a process that might take more than two years to finalize. Perhaps it's better to use $6,000 to hire a good attorney instead.

More than 200 people in my private Facebook group (made up of mainly Christian marital abuse victims) say they've attended multi-day marriage intensives or retreats that did not do a "miracle."

Hope Restored Brings in Money

Focus on the Family's public tax records show that the year they added this program they brought in $2.5 million from their marriage enrichment programs. Now, more than 7 years later, with two more locations open in the United States, plus three new locations in Canada, who knows how much they bring in? Who knows how many people they lure with their miracle claims? It's a lot of money and a lot of frightened wives. We know that 1-in-4 highly religious couples have experienced intimate partner violence, so there are plenty of Focus on the Family listeners who eagerly sign up. Focus hires a big-name advertising agency to send out millions of messages every year via direct mail and their million-name email list. To give you an idea of their advertising efforts, they paid Ambassador Advertising Agency more than $10 million in tax year 2014. But that's nothing compared to their income. Their website says they've helped more than 7,000 couples in the past 20 years. At $5,000 per couple, that would be $35 million dollars.

(Focus on the Family asked the IRS to reclassify them—from being a "nonprofit" to being a "church"—so the public no longer has access on how much income they receive from these programs.)

But we do know this from people who've attended, Hope Restored isn't good at fixing abusive, addicted, or cheating spouses. They teach communication skills. And frankly, learning communication skills doesn't fix abusers, cheaters, or addicts. It just makes them better manipulators.

Abusers are clever. They know that Focus on the Family insists on reconciliation in cases of abuse. They count on Focus on the Family to side with them. That’s why they aren’t afraid to go to Hope Restored marriage intensives. Especially in the case of abusive husbands, the men know the counselors there will put all the pressure on the wife not to divorce him. In contrast, the counselors give husbands a lot of praise and loving “support” for acknowledging their difficulty in controlling their emotions. (How do I know? I have interviewed multiple people. I have more than 200 members in my private Facebook group who say they've attended one or more overnight marriage intensives or retreats and their marriages got worse.)

The shocking truth one attendee discovered... 

"My husband had tried to kill me....  Hope Restored staff prohibited me from talking about the abuse"

We did three week-long intensives. The first week-long intensive was court-ordered. We went right after our 2-year restraining order ended. (He had tried to kill me.) An off-duty police officer had to guard my door at night while we were there. I hadn't seen or talked to my husband, other than in court, for 2 years. Boy, did he put on an act for the staff. The therapists LOVED my husband. They encouraged me to get back together with him. Told me it was safe. They pretend to be the experts but they know nothing about how to get abusive men to stop abusing. They prohibited me from talking about the abuse we were enduring. Sure, they sometimes have tools that helped me in other relationships. Nonetheless, through talks with the founders of Hope Restored, I came to understand that every intensive, marriage weekend getaway, etc., is always a manipulative stunt used to make the organization a lot of money. They are not interested in learning how to protect and help those that come to them that are being abused."

The staff I interacted with were: Robert S. Paul, Mark Pyatt, Bob Burbee, Gary Brugman, Brett Sparks, Christine Arnzen, and Ken Bryant.

Another participant said... 

"I wish they would be upfront about their program"

"When you arrive at the Michigan retreat, they give out a book that says that certain kinds of situations will not change. My husband's serial adultery was one of them.  I wish they would be upfront. But they took our money anyway. At least 3 of the 5 couples in our program were in seriously destructive marriages, and I stayed in touch with them. They haven't seen a miraculous change. We had good leaders, including Ryan Pannell, and I thought he did an excellent job. But our marriage was at a level they couldn't fix. I felt safe and comfortable, and they did mention the possibility of divorce, but bottom line: The program is not what they advertise.  In front of the Hope Restored staff, my husband would admit his fault, but behind closed doors, it was all my fault and he continued his affairs. I don't think my hope was restored, and I told the staff that. My pastor and my family supported my decision to file for divorce." 

A third participant said, 

"If there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer"

"The counselors focused only on communicating the ministry’s marriage model and learning communication skills, nothing else.  Childhood abuse from parents, porn use, psychological and emotional abuse appeared avoided, even though attendees cried as they shared the impact of these events on their individual lives....

"I asked the head counselor, “How can I apply what you are teaching to my situation?”  His answer was, “I can’t help you.” Yes, you read that correctly.  Moreover, the only wisdom he added was, “He is not a safe person for you.” There you have it.  $4,000 later, and I hear, “He is not safe for you.”  “I cannot help you.” That is the overall summary of their advice to me during the week.

"I went to Focus on the Family for help, but in return, I received a heavier load than I carried before.  Anyone who studies narcissism at any depth quickly learns that narcissists do not see themselves as victims but as superiors.  My husband has openly admitted to this. But after being sympathized with as a helpless victim, he grew stauncher and more arrogant in his resistance to me and health in our marriage.  If the counselors had any heart or even any serious training on these issues, then maybe the story could be different.  But in light of my experience, if there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer."

What Do They Teach at Hope Restored Marriage Intensives?

Vice President Robert S. Paul wrote the Hope Restored Marriage Intensive manual. He's been part of Hope Restored since the early days when it was called the Smalley Institute and National Institute of Marriage. The stated goal on their website is to keep you married. That is their only success metric. The very first thing they do is try to scare you that divorce destroys kids. The first 4 pages are dedicated to that mission. For actual quotes see "Part 2: What does Hope Restored Teach about Kids and Divorce?" The manual uses all kinds of gaslighting and manipulation to convince victimized spouses that their feelings are the problem, not the arrogance or cheating or violence that caused their feeling of anger, betrayal, and fear. Instead of calling a spade a spade, they call these marriage-destroying sins "buttons" that your spouse pushes. This makes the injured spouse feel guilty in some way for their feelings, and for letting their "buttons" be pushed and reacting, rather than putting the responsibility where it belongs: on their spouse's abuse or adultery or drug/alcohol/gambling addictions.