130 Examples of Abuse: Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Spiritual, Financial and Neglect

by gbaskerville | Nov 3, 2020 | Abuse examples, Adultery and Infidelity, Christians and Divorce, Gaslighting Examples, High-Conflict Divorces

130 Examples of Emotional Abuse and Domestic Violence

130 Examples of Abuse and Control

Overt and Covert Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Financial and Spiritual Abuse and Neglect

From the book, The Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville. © 2020 Life Saving Press LLC All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Am I Being Abused?

. I love this Psalm from the Bible. In it, the writer says that God sees our troubles and our tears. He hears people who are afflicted. He supports them and listens to them. . “But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless… You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry…” -Psalm 10:14, 17 (NIV) . Perhaps you are in trouble-a difficult marriage. Perhaps you have shed tears of grief, been afflicted, and felt alone. And I’m sure you too have cried out to a loving God who cares about the afflicted. . Marriage was created for companionship, not just for sex and having children. God required the husband to provide material care and love to the wife, and if he didn’t, she was free to go, get divorced, and find someone who truly cared for her. . One Christian counselor who specializes in sexual addictions put it this way: . “A marriage must be safe and loving, or at least respectful, otherwise it’s not a marriage. It could be kidnapping, incarceration, or servitude. But it is not a marriage.”[1] . In other words, both people must invest effort to make sure the marriage feels safe and loving to both spouses, not just one. . In an abusive marriage, only one spouse’s feelings matter. .

Everyone else makes that one person feels safe and loved. No one else matters, apart from their utility to the abuser. Below are 130 examples of both obvious and concealed types of abuse and control.

An abuser can be defined as: a person who feels entitled to their power over you, believing themselves justified in using any method to maintain their control you.

In other words, the abuser feels entitled to control you and mistreat you and will use many different tactics to do it. He or she will look for any excuse to coerce you to comply. This is different from a spouse simply speaking up and asking for their needs to be met.

In a good marriage, both spouses work to make sure the other feels safe and loved, and both show gratitude for the other’s capabilities.

But where there is abuse, one spouse is blamed for the emotional outbursts and other bad behavior in the marriage. They are viewed as having triggered it…or having the responsibility for keeping it from happening again. They play the role of the scapegoat, always being blamed for the abuser’s marriage-endangering sin. They end up feeling they have no worth or value other than the benefits they provide to the abuser. In an abusive marriage, the abuser gets off scot-free.

10 Signs of Abuse

11 Signs You May Be Experiencing Abuse

Do you feel it’s your responsibility to fix your spouse, to change their mood from sullen to happy, or to make sure they feel loved?
Do you feel that your spouse’s emotions are the only ones in the family that matter?
Do you feel you should sacrifice your wellbeing for your spouse’s career, hobbies, and goals?
Do you feel if only you were sexually available enough, you could keep your spouse from viewing porn or being unfaithful?
Do you feel that if you were only quiet and submissive enough, your spouse would automatically feel more loving toward you?
Do you make excuses to your friends and family for your spouse’s rudeness at birthday parties or last-minute absences from family gatherings?
Does your pity for your spouse’s bad childhood drive you to try to fill the empty hole in their heart with your generosity and self-sacrifice?
Do you feel responsible for keeping up an act, putting on a composed demeanor or a happy face, to cover for your spouse’s behavior?
Do you feel you have to keep up appearances in order to keep your family’s reputation in the community?
Do you feel that you are starting to doubt what you saw or heard, to wonder if your perceptions were really true, and to question your experiences, because your spouse tells you you’re crazy, stupid, or incompetent?
Do you feel that you are only valuable and beloved if you are doing exactly what pleases your spouse?

If you are carrying the responsibility for your spouse’s behavior, that is a sign of abuse.

If you and the children often walk on eggshells to avoid setting your spouse off, that’s a sign of abuse.

When you feel that it’s all your fault, even though other people disapprove of your spouse’s behavior, that is a sign of abuse.

When your spouse blames you for making them cheat, lie, drink, or hurt you, that’s a sign of abuse.

When your spouse treats you as if your time, energy, talents, interests, health, or loyalty are unimportant, that is abuse.

When your spouse brings gifts and says “I love you,” yet treats you disrespectfully, that’s not love-that’s abuse.

Recognizing Abuse

For most of us, the hardest thing to do is to recognize that we have been abused and perhaps are still being abused.

We tend to think of abuse as something that happens to other people, something that only totally depraved monsters do-not something that can happen in a marriage we chose for ourselves, where there have been good times, and with a spouse we once loved very deeply (and maybe still do).

If this is you, please know that you are not alone-this happens to many, many people-and you are not crazy.

You also do not have to call what is happening to you “abuse” yet, if you are not ready for that. You can try something that feels easier:

This is not okay.
This is not acceptable.
This is hurtful behavior.

In this chapter, and in the rest of the book, I use the word abuse to describe behaviors that make marriages dangerous. But if that word is hard or impossible for you to apply to yourself and your situation, you can substitute something that feels easier to grasp.

When a marriage turns dangerous, sometimes the pain is so intense and so constant, and the struggle to just survive each day is so all-consuming, that it can be next to impossible to take a step back from the situation and truly understand what is happening.

When you’re in it, it feels inescapable and inevitable, and you can’t imagine that a safer, happier life is possible. Maybe you tell yourself this is just how marriage is, and this is just what it looks like to love someone and be loved by someone. Marriage is hard work-right?

In that still, small voice, we hear Jesus calling us into greater freedom and release from bondage, though the road to that freedom may be long and challenging. We take one small step at a time, as we are able, and God walks right beside us, leading and guiding and strengthening us to face the next step.

In this chapter, we will work on one important step in particular: learning to see and name the wrong behavior as wrong.

Abuse and betrayal are not how marriage is supposed to be, and it’s not the way God designed love to work between a husband and wife. It really shouldn’t be this hard! Something really is wrong!

Furthermore, it’s important to realize that spouses who behave dangerously and abusively in their marriages tend to do so in predictable ways. Your spouse is not the first or only person using these tactics-far from it! In fact, these behaviors are so common that they have names and can be identified.

Victims of abuse often gain immense confidence, validation, and freedom through understanding what abuse looks like and how it works, and that is what we are going to do in this chapter-together.

5 Types of Control and Abuse

Physical abuse is the willful infliction of physical pain or injury, such as slapping, bruising, sexually molesting, or restraining. More covert methods also constitute abuse, such as blocking your way, sleep deprivation, physical abandonment, displaying weapons, or giving you drugs or medicine without consent.
Verbal/Emotional/Mental abuse is the infliction of mental or emotional anguish, such as humiliating or threatening language and treatment. More covert methods also are abusive, such as lying, accusing, isolating, blaming, denying, demeaning, ignoring you, or demanding to know where you go and whom you’ve spoken to. Gaslighting also falls under this category. (The term gaslighting comes from a 1944 movie and is now used in psychology to mean chronic manipulation in which the gaslighter (the abuser) causes the victim to question their identity, their judgment, their self-worth, and their perceptions of reality.)
Financial or material exploitation is another form of abuse, in which the money, credit, or belongings of a spouse are used-or withheld-without their consent. This also includes running up debt, making major purchases, and withholding information about joint taxes, banks, and credit card accounts.
Neglect is the failure of a caretaker to provide goods or services necessary to avoid physical harm, mental anguish, or illness:^[2] things such as food, water, clothing, shelter, medical care. Indifference to your wellbeing falls into this category.
Spiritual abuse is the willful use of religious beliefs to manipulate or shame one spouse into giving control to the other spouse, who “lords it over” their partner, rather than giving each spouse the responsibility to follow a loving God above any other person. It is also spiritually abusive to use religious sayings, scriptures, threats of divine punishment, threatened withdrawal of divine favor/blessing, or negative spiritual judgments about your character to make you remain in a dangerous situation. People who claim prophetic authority to tell you what to do with your life, or who claim special knowledge about God’s mind and will that “people like you” don’t have (rather than recognizing your ability to hear from God directly) are also being spiritually abusive. Note that spiritual abuse can be perpetuated by one spouse against the other, but it can also be perpetuated by a pastor, religious leader, or an entire religious community, against an individual whose wellbeing is at stake.

5 Types of Marital Abuse: Overt and Covert Examples

130 Examples of Abusive Behaviors

Physical and Sexual Abuse and Neglect

Much of physical violence and sexual abuse is a felony, misdemeanor, or criminal behavior. It is illegal in many states. These behaviors are abusive when directed against an adult spouse, and also when directed against children.

Throwing knives, stones, or other objects at you or near you. Spitting at you.
Slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, burning, dragging, shaking, kicking, choking, shoving, or “accidentally” knocking into you. Breaking bones or twisting joints.
Stalking, repeatedly following you, or harassing you, in a way that would make you fear injury. This is a crime in many states.
Waving a gun or displaying a gun-or any other weapon, such as a baseball bat or knife.
Holding down, tying up, kidnapping, locking up, or restraining you against your will.
Threatening to hurt you, your pets, your children, your possessions, your heirlooms and valuables. “You deserved it because you were _______.”
Frightening you with dangerous behavior: for example, fast driving, waving weapons, holding you or your child or pet over a ledge.
Withholding food, water, clothing, or other basic necessities.
Towering over you, pinning you against the wall, blocking your way, or invading your space.
Giving you drugs or medicine without consent. Hiding, removing, or tampering with contraceptives. Deliberately having sex without contraceptives with the goal of spreading disease or impregnating you against your will.
Sleep deprivation. Frequently waking you up in the middle of the night to discuss non-emergency issues, have sex, or to criticize you.
Sex without your consent. Unwillingness to accept your no. Unwanted sexual contact, molestation, fondling, or brushing up against you without consent. Marital rape.
Abandonment: Either temporary (for example, leaving you alongside the road and driving away), or long term, by leaving for weeks or months without any significant communication, relying on you to hold things together.
Neglect during medical situations: Surgery, delivery of a baby, or times you cannot handle basic life functions (using the bathroom, feeding yourself).
Wife “spanking” for disobedience (also known as Christian Domestic Discipline),^[4] which is coercion to establish control.
Forced labor.
Exhibitionism, voyeurism (watching people through the window, or other situations where people would reasonably expect privacy), or exposure to pornography against your will.
For children: Exposure to pornography, taking photos of children in a sexualized situation, having sex in front of children, incest, or attempted sexual contact.

Definition of Battery:

The crime of battery is “the intentional touching of another in an angry manner, or the intentional use of force or violence against another. Grabbing someone’s arm, pushing or punching a person, or striking a victim with an object, all are crimes of battery.” This applies to adults and to children.

Definition of Assault:

In some states, “assault does not involve actual physical contact, and is defined as an attempt to commit a physical attack or as threatening actions that cause a person to feel afraid of impending violence.”

Verbal and Emotional Abuse Examples

Mental abuse (sometimes called psychological aggression and control) causes the survivor to question their own reality, sanity, judgment, and worth. It makes them feel they deserve or caused the abuse. An occasional incident (a snarky comment, a grumpy eye-roll, a flare-up of temper) may not be emotional abuse. Watch for a pattern: repeated incidents combined with an attempt to control.

Having a chronic pattern of criticism, belittling, blaming, and telling you it is for your own good, so you become a better person.
Shaming and sarcasm: “You can try, but you’ll never be very good at it.”
Having a pattern of name-calling, slurs, put-downs, screaming, or yelling.
Cyber-stalking, demanding to know where you are at all times, tracking you via GPS, or installing cameras, spyware, or a keystroke logger (recorder) on your computer to capture your passwords and read your messages.
Using location-sharing apps or “find my phone” apps to monitor you.
Downloading apps on your phone to track you without your permission.
Hacking your email, looking at your email account without permission, hacking your social media, having unwanted access to bank, music, or other online accounts. (Hacking your email is a felony.)
Giving you a mobile phone, computer, or tablet they’ve set up for you (which is capable of collecting information about you, listening to your conversations, your calls, and tracking your location), especially if they are known to be good with computers.
Sending you dozens of texts a day to ask where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing.
Making verbal threats of harm, leaving, divorce, or suicide: anything that makes you live in fear.
Demanding that you keep secrets, staying silent, not telling anyone what happened.
Requiring that you report back to them the details of your conversations with others.
Professing love often, but words and actions don’t match.
Listening to and recording your private phone calls routinely. Installing listening devices and cameras, or using software to monitor you.
Refusing to talk, but expressing moodiness, sulking, and self-pity. Forcing you to guess what’s wrong. Saying “If you loved me, you would know why I’m mad.”
Chronic false accusations of infidelity, stealing, cheating, or lying.
Blame shifting: “I wouldn’t have done _____, if you hadn’t ______.” “I went to the bar because you’re in a bad mood all the time.” “You drove me to do that because of your nagging.” “You made me do it.” “I would have gone to your mother’s birthday party if you hadn’t ______.” “I wouldn’t have seen prostitutes if you had been meeting my sexual needs.”
Backing out of commitments at the last minute. Or stonewalling: never making the commitment, leaving you hanging, or coming too late to the event.
Making demands of your time, energy, or money, but allowing you no voice, vote, or veto.
Interruptions: Frequently interrupting you during phone calls, at work, naps, bathing, prayer, or a planned event, for something that is not an emergency. Taking non-emergency phone calls while you are together in the middle of an important event or discussion.
Blaming you for things that happened to you. “If you weren’t wearing that, you wouldn’t have been raped.”
Suicide threats. “If you don’t do what I say, I can’t go on living.” “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself, and it would be all your fault.”
Silent treatment (punishing you by pretending you don’t exist). Not talking to you, not acknowledging your presence, or ignoring your attempts to communicate.
Stonewalling (refusing to talk, discuss important issues, or make decisions in a reasonable timeframe). “I don’t have time for your drama.” “I’m busy right now.” “I can’t do that now.” “I won’t sign that.”
Humiliating you in public, in front of friends, children, etc. “You’re crazy. You need to see a psychologist.”
Undermining your reputation, smearing your character to friends, family, children, bosses, and pastors. “She’s a weak person.” “You can’t trust everything he says.” “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” “He’s not the sharpest guy.”
Finding people to enlist as allies in their cause to discredit you and make you look bad in your workplace, school, social media, neighborhood, organizations, or church. By convincing others that you are the problem, they keep their hands clean. These allies are often called “flying monkeys,” who show their loyalty to the abuser by looking for ways to target you.
Threatening with injury, and claiming it is fair due to your bad behavior. “If you fall, you’re only getting what you deserve.” “If you do that again, I’m going to snap, and who knows what I might do when I get angry.” Or showing no concern for your wellbeing when you are injured: “If you fall, you’re only getting what you deserve.”
Threatening you with revenge porn, posting your texts and/or photos in order to get revenge or to blackmail you back into the relationship.
Body-shaming. Saying that if you were prettier, skinnier, more sexually appealing, or more sexually satisfying, your marriage would be better.
Claiming you will never see your children again if you don’t do as you’re told. “If you divorce me, I’ll take everything.” “The judge will see you’re a horrible parent.”
Changing the story. “I didn’t do that.” “How can you say that? You were there.” “You’re just making that up.” “They’re lying because they don’t like me.”
Turning the tables and accusing the victim of being judgmental and unforgiving. “You’re just a hypocrite.”
Provoking you in public so you react in front of others, making it appear that you are the aggressive spouse.
Causing a fight and forcing you to apologize.
Acting helpless to avoid responsibilities.
Justifying crossing your boundaries by questioning your decision-making ability. “You’ve got mental problems.” “You’re overly sensitive.” “Sure, I did, but what about when you did this?” “You’ve got issues.” “You always gripe about the same thing.” “You’re always nagging.”
Giving a gift to force someone to extend forgiveness, while pretending the abuse never happened, making no amends, and doing nothing to change the problematic behavior pattern. (For example, a father exploding at his young son one day, then buying the boy a bicycle the next without ever referring to the explosion, as though the gift settles the “score.” Often abusers who do this grow enraged if their victim brings up the abusive event. “I bought you a bike! Stop complaining!”)
Minimizing or explaining away bad behavior. “You’re angry over nothing.” “That’s not true; you’re just over-reacting.” “That’s not how it is.”
Threats, if you say no to requests for sex: “I can get sex elsewhere.”
Seducing you and then rejecting you.
Mocking your looks or your clothes: “You are ugly.” “That outfit is ugly.” “No one would want to have sex with you.”
Degrading you sexually: “I saved myself for you, but you’ve had other partners. You’re dirty.” “You’re no good in bed. I’ve had better sex.” “You’ve got a long line of sex partners coming around. You’re just a ____.”
Criticizing your hobbies, interests, or sports. Resenting time and effort you spend on things you enjoy, often in the face of their time/money use for their leisure activities.
Degrading your capabilities: “You can’t make it without me.” “You’re weak.”
Bribing you to stay silent about the abuse by giving gifts, vacations, or other things valuable to you.
Saying you are crazy or stupid, then excusing it. “Hey, I was only joking.” “Can’t you take a joke?” “I never said that.” “You’re just imagining things.” “That never happened.” “I never said that. I said this.”
Saying you’re incapable of living without them. “You’d never make it on your own.” “No one would hire you.” “You’re too stupid.” “No one else could possibly love you.”
Claiming you have no worth apart from them. “Without me, you’d be nothing.” “Shouldn’t I get first priority in your life?”
Refusing to be pleased by your efforts to be a good spouse. Saying you ought to be grateful for even the smallest amount of respect, care, affection, or appreciation. Belittling your looks, your mannerisms, or your values.
Using “always” and “never” to describe your behavior. Exaggerating your behavior to smear your character.
Walking out of a party or gathering in a way that would draw attention. Eyes turn to you, and you are left to make explanations.
Walking out of discussions repeatedly. A pattern of refusing to discuss a problem fully, explore various options, list pros and cons, and weigh the risks and rewards of each.
Claiming you deserve nothing good and your opinions are worthless. “That’s just stupid. No-one thinks that.”
Condescending and patronizing: “I know you try hard to be a good wife, but you’ll never be a real gem.” “You can work out at the gym, but you’ll never be attractive to me.” “You can read all those books and take classes, but you’re not smart enough to live without me.”
Predicting you will fail at anything you attempt on your own. “You’re a failure.” “That might be a good idea, but you’d never be able to pull it off.” “You’re not good at figuring this stuff out like I am. You should let me do it for you.”
Claiming that everyone knows you are the problem, and that everyone sides with the abuser. “No one believes you.”
Making major decisions unilaterally that they know would affect you: calling your boss or coworkers, opening a new credit card account, making a major purchase, or taking on new debt.
Lecturing you about mistakes you have made or might make, talking on and on about their experience and knowledge, and generally treating you and others as if you are beneath them.
Unwilling to listen to your goals and find the best way to meet them.
Treating you like a child. Stooping to threats or bribery to get your cooperation rather than using respectful means.
Using social media to bully, stalk, threaten, or intimidate you.
Changing the rules so they always apply to you, but never to them.
Threatening to turn people against you and tarnish your good name (your kids, family, friends, coworkers, boss, etc.). “No one will ever believe you.” “Sure, go to the police. They won’t believe you.”
Isolating you from family and friends. Prohibiting communication with family or friends.
Coercing you to do their wishes by blackmail: “If you don’t do what I want, I’ll tell everyone what you did.” Or by extortion: “If you don’t do what I want, something bad will happen to you [your loved ones, your possessions, your business, etc.].”
Making false accusations with no evidence.
Making hateful or demeaning glances and gestures. Rolling their eyes, smirking, or raising an eyebrow when you speak to indicate that your opinions are invalid or ridiculous. Hand signals or gestures to indicate you are beneath them.
Blaming strangers for coming up and starting flirtatious conversations with them. Claiming to be innocent and passive in sexual encounters. “I can’t help it; she came on to me.”
In contrast, blaming you for unwanted attention, flirtation, or sexual harassment you receive. “He wouldn’t have hit on you if you weren’t dressed that way.” “You aren’t modest enough.” “You’re a slut / whore / asking for it.”
Indifference toward you and your wellbeing.
Giving the silent treatment or cold shoulder.
Insisting on knowing your passwords, suggesting you would let them have your passwords if you had “nothing to hide.” Keeping control of your passwords.
Demanding to know where you were, what you did, and who you talked with. “Why did you go there today? What were you doing?” Giving you a curfew.
Telling you they have the right to go through your purse, billfold, briefcase, or phone. Asking to see your mobile phone or taking it from you.
Excusing their hostile treatment by saying they do it only to make you stronger or better, or to teach you a lesson.
Threatening to destroy you legally or professionally, and to drag your reputation through the mud.
Demanding proofs of your love or loyalty: “If you really loved me, you would _________.” “If you truly care about me, you would sign this.”
When you confront them, immediately turning the tables to accuse you of being un-Christian: unloving, judgmental, and unforgiving. “You claim to be a Christian, but you aren’t loving at all. You’re a hypocrite.” “If you were a Christian, you would forgive me and give me another chance.”
Not allowing you to visit friends or family. “They are always against me. I don’t want to be around them.” “You like them more than me.” “Shouldn’t I come first in your life?”
Confessing to a minor betrayal in order to appear honest, and demanding forgiveness, when in reality there’s a larger betrayal yet to be revealed.
Excusing and minimizing seductive behavior as “boys will be boys.” “Sure, I think our babysitter is cute. Any guy would.” “This is just how guys are.”
Excusing their porn addiction. “Well, if you just _______, I wouldn’t watch porn.”
Acting smug or superior.
Muttering things under their breath. Sighing. “Here we go again.” “Why is that not a surprise?”

Financial Abuse

Some of the examples that follow constitute criminal behavior and are illegal on state and/or federal levels.

Stealing money from your purse or bank account.
Stealing valuables and pawning or selling them, or using them as blackmail.
Using your ID to open new accounts and change addresses.
Refusing to give you access to bank accounts or credit cards used for routine essentials, such as food, clothing, transportation, utilities, fuel, and supplies.
Storing, keeping track of, and using your user name, passwords, and account IDs without your permission on your electronic devices, including computers, phones, and tablets.
Opening new credit cards that bill to your bank account without your agreement or without discussing it with you first.
Running up credit card debt and taking out loans without discussing it.
Demanding loans for friends and relatives that actually are used in another way.
Lying about missing or damaged valuables.
“Accidentally” losing or breaking things of sentimental or monetary value to you, especially after a fight, as a passive-aggressive way of punishing you (often while denying they are upset or did it intentionally, which is gaslighting).
Removing your access to essential funds as a penalty for making small accounting mistakes or a late payment.
Demanding to be added to the title (ownership) of a house or real estate they didn’t buy with you.
Demanding you refinance the house and give them the cash.
Selling your family home, car, or other marital property without your consent.
Making major decisions unilaterally that they know would affect you: for example, telling your boss you are quitting; prohibiting you from earning money; opening a new credit card account and making a major purchase; or taking on new debt.
Without your agreement, using their own paycheck for their own pleasure, leisure, recreation, sports, and other activities, while demanding you pay for all essentials (housing, food, medical insurance) for the family.
“If you don’t give me money, I’ll tell the police, your boss, or your pastor what you did.”
“Something bad will happen to you if you don’t give me money.”
Refusing to help support the family in terms of money, time, effort, or priority.
A capable spouse refusing to earn a sufficient income to support the family forcing their spouse to make do with a salary that does not cover basic needs.
A spouse who continues to accrue debt and demands to live well, but refuses to bring in the income to cover their lifestyle while neglecting basic family needs.

Spiritual Abuse

Forced obedience is forbidden by Jesus, who says Christians must not exercise authority or “lord it over” others (Matthew 20:25-26), but many people try. The same people who quote these verses don’t recognize that basic material care (food, clothing, shelter, etc.) and affection are the minimum standards the Bible requires of a spouse, as is discussed in Chapter 6.

Note that spiritual abuse can be a tool of control that one spouse uses against another, but it can also be something perpetuated by a pastor or other spiritual authority-or even an entire church community or denomination-to dictate and control the way an individual believer lives his or her life. In contrast, Scripture gives a believer the freedom of conscience on topics such as money, marriage, and religious observance.

“You must submit and obey me in everything… because the Bible says so.” Ignoring the passages that say submission is for all believers, not just wives, as well as the passages that say husbands must love their wives, be sacrificial, and give wives the same care and treatment they get.
“You must give me sex whenever I want. I have a right to your body. You cannot deny me.”
“You must stay at home and care for the kids and the house all your life, regardless of your own talents, skills, or desires.”
“You must be silent because you’re a woman, like the Apostle Paul says. Know your place.”
“You are a sinner and have no right to claim you deserve good treatment. You deserve nothing more than the privilege of being a slave.”
“Your suffering in this marriage brings glory to God and makes you holy.”
“You claim to be a Christian, and therefore you must forgive me and get together again.”
“You owe God everything. Jesus paid the price for your soul. So every choice you make must serve God through ministry. You cannot have fun, pleasure, hobbies, friendships, possessions, pets, or fun activities.”
“You have no rights. You cannot claim to be a victim, because Christ was a greater victim. If you are angry or want restitution, you are in sin.”
Telling you that you must ignore your own God-given instincts for self-preservation and instead that you must obey what the church or person in spiritual authority thinks you should do.
Claiming to have special knowledge about what God’s will is for your life-knowledge that they say you can’t access by going to God directly. Claiming to have heard from God about what is right for you and what choice you need to make in a given situation.
Threatening you with the wrath of God or with the loss of God’s favor if you don’t do as they say and make the choices they are telling you to make with regard to your marriage.
Promising special, exclusive access to God (God’s power, God’s blessings, the knowledge of God) if you support their ministry and follow their marriage advice.
Threatening you with separation from God and divine punishment if you try to leave their church or ministry. Telling you you’re not a real Christian if you don’t follow God the way they think you should.
Telling you that leaving your marriage and/or leaving one specific church is the same thing as leaving Jesus (sinning, being disobedient to God, etc.).
Using scriptures or church language to shame you for having feelings of anger, desperation, fear, or rage in response to abuse or betrayal.
Telling you if you were a better Christian, loved God more, prayed or read your Bible the right amount, went to church more, or gave more money or time to church endeavors, that: you would have constantly positive emotions, your struggles would be resolved, the abuse would stop, and/or your marriage would be fully healed.

Do You Need Support? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” (ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS.) This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome.

The Duluth Wheel of Power and Control

This helpful diagram, the Power & Control Wheel,^[5] (LINK to wheel GRAPHIC: www.theduluthmodel.org.) shows the tactics abusive husbands use to ensure power and control over their wives when they have already used physical violence.

Note: Though it is rarer for the female spouse to be the abuser, it does happen; this chart uses female pronouns for the victim, but anyone can be a victim of abuse, not just women.

The next wheel, the Duluth Wheel of Equality (LINK to wheel graphic: www.theduluthmodel.org.), is the counterpart of the Power and Control Wheel. It shows what a godly, loving, mutual marriage should look like.

(For some Christians, the word “equality” makes them skittish, because they think it is a liberal idea and therefore not biblical. If this is how you feel, you can replace the word “equality” with a word like “mutuality” or “godly love.” The concept is the same, regardless of what you choose to call it.)

The Abuse Cycle

I’ll never forget the day that one of our pastors came to my divorce recovery group and explained the abuse cycle. It was so powerful and eye-opening. Those of us in recovery finally had an explanation of how abuse works.

In this next section, we will address the Abuse Cycle and look at a few helpful systems that enable people to identify and recognize abusive behaviors.

The Abuse Cycle diagram showing the "explosion," followed by "honeymoon"," and then "tension" build-up again

The cycle of domestic violence includes three parts:

Abuse/Violence – the abusive event itself.
Honeymoon Phase – a deceptive period of calm, harmony, and even intimacy, following the abusive event; a dramatic, temporary display of remorse in which manipulation still continues. (These are the sweet times that keep many abused spouses in the relationship.)
Building Tension or Agitation – the gradual increase in strain when you sense your spouse is getting upset; “walking on eggshells,” waiting for the inevitable explosion.

This is important to understand, but I also see a lot of value in learning about the Honeymoon Phase. Why? Because after looking at the examples of physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse, spouses often say, “That’s not me. Life with my spouse is not filled with conflict every day. We’ve had good times, some good memories.”

The truth is, most abusive households do not appear abusive every day.

The thing to recognize here is that abuse has nothing to do with the victim. It is the abusive person’s own problem-their inability to emotionally regulate themselves and respond safely, appropriately, and maturely to the many frustrations and difficulties of life.

In this world, each of us must learn (hopefully at a young age) how to manage our emotions and our behavior when we aren’t getting what we want.

Instead, they attack, bully, intimidate, threaten, humiliate, shame, and in a whole host of ways try to force other people to do exactly what they want, whenever they want it.

Their temporary remorse and apologies right after the abusive event also have nothing to do with the victim, and their emotional display is not a sign that the abuse is going to stop. In fact, it’s just a part of the cycle, because the abuser has still not learned how to self-regulate in the face of frustration and to treat others with respect and consideration.

Even their show of remorse is still about them: they fear losing the benefits they are getting from their victim, and sometimes they also want to keep their image of themselves as a good person. So they buy gifts, make promises, and give speeches about how much they have changed.

None of this is evidence that the abuser is a sweet, loving person who just gets under stress from time to time; it is, instead, yet another tactic to make sure that they keep getting their own way and do not have to face any uncomfortable emotions-especially the discomfort of seeing how their actual behavior doesn’t line up at all with their image of themselves.

They want to feel instantly good again without doing any work to heal the damage they have done to their spouse and family and the people they have hurt.

And they want to make sure that they do not lose their spouse, whose labor, sacrifices, and enormous expenditure of energy to keep the marriage working is all making it possible for the abuser to get their own way without having to do their share of the work in the relationship.

But life with other people is never going to be without difficulty, requiring no compromises or cooperation, and allowing us to always have things go our own way. And experiencing momentary remorse has not taught the abusive person how to self-regulate or how to properly respect the rights and wishes of others.

It is only a matter of time before their ingrained, established pattern of abusing others when they’re upset by something bursts onto the scene again. And the cycle continues.

The violence may not be obvious before you marry. It may start after the abuser “has you.” Many people report abuse on the honeymoon, or within the first six months. Sometimes it starts when you’re vulnerable, perhaps pregnant or going through a health crisis.

Abuse/Violence Phase – The Explosion

Abuser: Acts out aggressively through rage, sarcasm, physical violence, intimidation, locking spouse in a room, smashing things, rape, accusations, put-downs. May abuse children and pets, damage property, discard sentimental items of value to the spouse. May try to make them lose their job. The abuser’s goal is to show who is in charge. This is the bullying phase.

Victim: Fights back, argues, tries to get away, leaves, protects self and kids, calls the police. May try to reason with abuser, calm them down or pacify them.

One woman used sex to keep herself safe during the abuse phase-

-*-*-*-

Honeymoon Phase – “Manipulative Kindness”

Abuser: Shows remorse, acts repentant, apologizes, and gives gifts. Gifts are designed to bribe you to stay silent, or to coerce you to forget about the abusive treatment. Brings flowers, jewelry, promises of vacations, or other things you want. Claims that the gift erases all mistreatments of the past, therefore you must forgive and excuse all destructive behavior. Abuser wants you to stay silent by saying you can’t tell anyone now that you have accepted their gift. Explains away, denies, or minimizes behavior while apologizing. Promises of change: To do better, to go to counseling, to be kind and generous. Abuser calms down for a while. Acts sweet, apologetic, and attentive.

Victim: Forgives, agrees to stay, tells the police there was no injury, stops legal proceedings, starts to hope again, sets up counseling appointments, tells themselves everything will be okay.

“What used to be called the honeymoon phase of the cycle is actually just more abuse-a very purposeful, deceitful, manipulation by the abuser to prevent the victim from leaving him, reporting him to the police, or doing anything else that might make things hard or result in consequences for him. It is not about his partner at all, and it is not about love. (Note: I use the terms him & her for simplicity, although that’s not always the case.) The so-called Honeymoon phase is much more appropriately referred to as a period of ‘manipulative kindness.'”

One wife shares her experience with an episode of “Manipulative Kindness”-

-*-*-*-

Rather than requiring real, long-term proof that he had changed and sought to regain his wife’s trust, the husband’s family turned their anger at the wife for not being grateful for the gift or the effort.

Sometimes the abuser ropes in others to help them put pressure on the victim. In this instance, notice the husband’s gaslighting, saying he never said what he said.

The family in this story is out of line in being angry with the wife. It was her decision whether she could trust him, not theirs. She alone had the responsibility to keep herself and her children safe.

Tension Phase – Criticism Starts Again

Abuser: Pretends nothing happened. Nit-picks, criticizes, excuses own behavior, withholds money, blames spouse for provoking them, uses name-calling or disrespect, comes home late without advanced notice, makes threats, stops being affectionate, uses hateful or mocking glances and gestures, says spouse isn’t perfect either, tells a wife she’s not submissive, breaks promises, makes suicide threats blaming the spouse, denies abuse, denies bad behavior, refuses counseling, humiliates spouse publicly or privately, coerces spouse or kids to do illegal things, makes accusations and looks for ways to justify hurting spouse again.

Victim: Walks on eggshells, tries not to do anything that would upset abuser, tries to make themselves small and invisible to protect self and children, doesn’t stand up for themselves or children, avoids conflict, disappears emotionally, leaves the room or the house to avoid contact, keeps kids quiet, feels guilty and responsible, tries to please or distract attention in other ways.

After separating for a while, one wife tried again to make her marriage work and allowed her husband to move back in. He came back and started “love-bombing” her: the first part of the cycle of emotional abuse. She describes the tension-

After the cycle has occurred several times, you get beaten down. Negative messages such as “I can never make it on my own,” or “My children will be destroyed,” or “I don’t want to go through divorce,” put pressure on you to stay.

Over time, the honeymoon phase decreases and finally disappears. It is replaced by more agitation and more violence.

The person seeking control is very insecure. They squeeze the life out of the relationship. Abusers are very scared, because the faithful person is the anchor in the relationship.^[11] If they stop doing their part (of fixing everything and absorbing all bad treatment), the abuser falls apart.

When the victim establishes boundaries, the abuser gets angrier and attacks at any point of weakness. The abuser goes into shock.

In these situations, the best thing for the victim to do is refuse to work on the relationship and get to safety.

Don’t try to patch things up when the abusive spouse gives the silent treatment or plays the victim. Part of the manipulation cycle is going into a “puppy-dog mode” of intense remorse. The abuser begs and promises not to do it again.

But it’s like quicksand: the more you fight, the more you sink. Instead, find solid ground and stay there. Make it clear you’re not going to jump back into the quicksand. (For more on responding to abusive situations, see Chapter 9.)

Sometimes, it takes hearing someone else’s story to finally recognize the truth about your own.

In the following true stories given by some of the people I interviewed who suffered in dangerous marriages and at last sought out a life-saving divorce, we can see many of the abusive behaviors we have been discussing-in action, and in the real lives of real people.

As you read, see if you can identify those behaviors. See if you can identify the “not okay” things that were done or said to these victims of abuse.

What was wrong about it?
Why was it wrong?
How should that person have been treated instead?

Can you see what abuse looks like, and the effect it has on the victim, to keep them questioning themselves and stuck in the dangerous marriage?

My husband attended the Promise Keepers conferences. This was a Christian ministry that focused on being a man of integrity. I told John we had to work on our marriage. And I went to our pastor to ask for help.

Listen to Priscilla’s words-

He never hit her. It was all words, actions, and demands. It was still abuse.
She felt hated, disrespected, unimportant, humiliated, and embarrassed.
She felt like she was being controlled (“you can’t go in the boat if you don’t finish the job”) and treated like a child.
She was desperate and wanted to protect her daughter.
She looked inward and doubted herself: Was she really being loving enough?
She believed his criticism.

She read her list aloud and-for the first time-realized she was being abused. Her pastor was just the audience in this story. After 25 years, Priscilla was the one who saw her husband’s behavior and identified it as abuse.

Now she had clarity, so she put up boundaries. Her pastor supported her decision and was with her when she told her husband to leave and get help for his abusive attitudes and behaviors.

Her husband refused to comply and responded with threats. Priscilla didn’t feel comfortable filing for divorce due to her Christian beliefs, so she filed for separation, and he responded by filing for divorce.

Priscilla was in her fifties, and she decided to start over and embrace a new life. She had not worked much outside the home during her marriage, but she jumped into a new career. When we discussed including her story in this book, she wanted me to add: “I have a wonderful life now!”

My depression was in full swing. The voices of all the past kept crashing into my mind. I just wanted to talk with someone who would be kind and listen to me. I called 911 in a panic and talked about suicide. A Christian police officer answered my call that night. He was so compassionate and gave the information for a hospital that had people who could help me and where I could have time to think.

“You will come back. You can’t survive without me. You are too ugly,” he said. On and on and on with the belittling, the criticism, the verbal assault.

Listen to Martina’s words-

She saw herself as a survivor: No matter what life handed her, she said “It’s okay”-until it wasn’t okay any longer.
She felt belittled, used, unworthy, uncared for, neglected, unimportant, ugly, inadequate, unappreciated, controlled, and unfairly accused.
She said when you focus on survival, you can’t love yourself or others.
There were two Martinas: Work Martina was happy and confident; Home Martina lived in fear.
She wanted Mateo to be a good husband and father, but she recognized it wasn’t possible.
She didn’t know how she would get free, but she knew God had a plan.

Her depression and suicidal 911 call led to a hospitalization that gave her time away from the home, and time to think. She saw God’s hand in this: helping her get clarity and bringing the drama to an end.

Now she had clarity. She wanted love in her family, not just survival. When her husband didn’t care for her during the labor and delivery of her second child, and then asked her to make a special salad for him and his girlfriend, it was the last domino to fall.

So many of my interviewees were saved from severe depression by going into a hospital or psychiatric facility. Up until then, they live in a fog of making it through each day, which means they are so focused on surviving, walking on eggshells, they have no mental energy to plan a path out of the turmoil. They are emotionally exhausted and often suicidal. They don’t feel safe until they enter the hospital and get help.

In many cases, getting professional help means the difference between life and death.

Martina told her story about coming home from the hospital with a newborn baby, and her husband demanding she prepare food for a party with his new girlfriend.

In spite of ourselves, we can’t help but laugh at the absurd self-centeredness of her husband. But his unrealistic expectations didn’t develop overnight. Like many chronic abusers, he had a pattern of wearing Martina down by his selfishness. His background told him that he was the center of the universe, not God.

When one spouse points out your shortcomings and rarely admit theirs, they are living on “Planet Me.” On Planet Me, most of their actions are okay. Everything you do that they don’t approve of, is not okay.

There’s always a reason why the same rule doesn’t apply to them. When you live on Planet Me, the abuser gets to define reality.

They have their own standard of justice, and that standard favors them at all times. They make the laws. They are the umpire. They are the referee. They are the judge and jury, and they are always right.

It makes no sense. You won’t be able to convince them of the double standard. Often the abuser brainwashes the victim to living by the rules of Planet Me, too. You start to wonder about your own observations:

Did he really leave this bruise, or did I fall?
Did he really lie, or did I mishear him?
Did he disappear without telling anyone, or did he leave a note that somehow got lost? He says that never happened or that I just misunderstood it.

After a while, you’ve been gaslighted so long, the feeling that you are always wrong becomes the new normal.

On Planet Me, you will feel that you haven’t given enough or been a good enough spouse, even though you know you have sacrificed your safety and your health to follow these lopsided rules.

We know what a good marriage looks like:

The spouses are friends who are also lovers, companions, and partners who build their own shared life together.
They both need, and both get, safety and love from each other.
They have a Oneness, as the Bible says; they are on a journey together.
They each can come to each other for comfort and support.
They go through ups and downs together.
They brush off slights, forgive one another, and figure out how to solve their problems with understanding. It’s not a one-way street.
They each bring precious assets into the union: their time, energy, skill, intellect, valuables, and their loyalty.
They are a team.
Each one of them matters, and each has choices, a say in how the marriage and family work, and responsibilities that they faithfully uphold.

Sure, there is sacrifice, but it is due to circumstances beyond their control: health problems, accidents, or job losses-not due to a pattern of selfishness, disrespect, or betrayals by the other.

Anyone who doubts this should to look at the many books written by psychologists and adult children of narcissistic mothers. Many adults raised in these families say they wish their father had divorced early and taken them away to safety.

In Andrew’s story, we see exactly that: a daughter’s comment is indelibly imprinted in his mind.

[Our first Christmas as a married couple,] I got her a Christmas present that was very special to me. It was a nice clock, and every time I looked at it, I thought of home… and of family. It was a new tradition I wanted us to start.

They had to move to another state for work, and they got involved in a church that had multiple sexual and staff scandals. They had been team-teaching Sunday school and kids’ club, but they got burned out and walked away. Finally, a job opened up in their home state.

I asked this man if he had any words for men in his situation, and he said:

Listen to Andrew’s words-

He saw himself as needing help in life. He was attracted to her abilities.
He felt manipulated, misunderstood, unheard, dismissed, filthy, controlled, deceived, and attacked.
He set boundaries, and his wife was defensive and went on the attack. To protect himself from face-to-face anger, he wrote detailed letters instead.
He felt ignored and controlled about food, grooming, and education choices.
After 29 years, he filed for divorce.

MOSIAC is a 30-minute online test. You’ll need to give a valid email address, because they send an access code to that email. (You might want to do the test at someone else’s computer or at a library.)

It asks more than 40 questions. Most are very quick and easy: age, marital status, child custody status, etc. It gives you very clear instructions. In case you cannot decide between the multiple-choice answers, you can add explanations to your answers if you wish. At the end it gives a full written report and a score of 1 to 10 on your situation.

Are you being controlled? Do you feel your choices have to meet your spouse’s approval? Can that person pull a trump card and overrule your clothes, your hair, your work, your time, your food choices, or your looks? Have you been coerced to do something you would rather not do?

The Bible says that even leaders shouldn’t be controlling. They should set an example, “not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3, NIV).

People fall prey to the control of others through physical, mental, verbal, financial, or spiritual methods-or a combination of several of them. Usually it happens slowly over time.

It makes sense, right? Because if you’re in a painful marriage, it usually didn’t start that way. You gradually put up with more control, more disrespect, and more conflict over time. You stayed because you were committed, because you believed in the sanctity of marriage, because you were going to solve this, and because you wanted your marriage to work. Your marriage became the most important thing in your life. Your desires-to be safe, loved, treated with respect, heard, etc.-were gradually worn down.

They might talk about their love for the family or for God-they may even tell you they love you-but it’s a smokescreen. Everyone else must give up what they want to meet the abuser’s demands. There is no mutuality, no caring for the other spouse at the same level that they care for themselves.

As the Abuse Cycle shows us, one very common tactic of abusers is to cycle between hot and cold: explosive and vindictive at one point, and full of remorse and loving attention later, over and over. This is what therapists believe causes trauma bonds that keep you in the relationship, that feeling of love for a spouse who has a pattern of hurting you.

In a nutshell: an abuser’s goal is to keep you captive in the relationship and to wear you down to go along with their view of life. To do this, they must get you to believe you are no longer important, sensible, intelligent, or worthy of decent treatment, and they must ensure that you don’t tell others about what’s really going on, get support for yourself, or make it possible for you to get out from under their control and live a stable, fulfilling life without them.

As you look back at Priscilla, Martina, and Andrew’s stories, you see how their spouses applied pressure to get what they wanted, using a variety of tools: lies, humiliation, disrespect, and bribes.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to persuade your spouse to do something or to change their mind, but the methods cannot be demeaning or coercive. Marriage was meant to be caring, loving, and lifelong, but instead of being treated as full partners in the marriage, where two adults mutually agree to major life decisions, one spouse was pushed aside.

Instead of two people supporting each other in their goals in life, being honest with each other, and taking the other person’s desires into consideration, one person lied to get their way, regardless of the other’s wishes.

Instead of having a marriage based on trust and love, where each had the ability to have their own feelings, friends, and activities, one spouse indulged their whims, while the other stayed at home and held everything together.

In Scripture, we see that God desires for men and women to be loving partners, who treat one another with consideration, respect, and affection. In a loving, godly marriage, we would expect:

a willingness to cooperate and compromise
speech and actions that help everyone feel safe
openness about finances, making financial decisions together, and making sure each spouse has access to the family’s financial resources
listening, showing respect, and valuing the opinions and feelings of the other
an honoring of the other person’s say over their own body and their right to say no to sex
mutual agreement on how to divide up the work that goes into running a household
making big decisions together
honesty, reliability, and healthy boundaries
support for each spouse’s goals in life
room for both spouses to have their own feelings, opinions, interests, friends, and beliefs, and respect when these are different
respecting the other spouse’s privacy, history, and dignity
accepting responsibility for one’s own actions, admitting personal fault, and committing to make amends and change behaviors that are hurting the other spouse^[14]

In your own marriage, you alone know what’s happening behind closed doors. Only you can determine if this is a loving, mutual relationship or a lopsided one. Only you can decide if you are an anchor person, the one who fixes everything and holds it all together.

It’s not easy to admit to your friends and family that you are being abused. Those who are being abused often keep it secret for years, if not decades. You are not alone in feeling scared of the consequences of standing up for yourself, or doubting yourself and your abilities, or feeling convinced that you are to blame for what is happening.

Only you can decide if it is time to put up boundaries and say, “No more. I want to be treated with respect, as a full partner in this marriage.”

Gretchen Baskerville is a divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.

Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own life-saving divorce and lived as a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried and writes about divorce recovery. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education, and she regularly gives interviews on podcasts, blogs, and radio programs on the topic of Christianity and divorce.

FOOTNOTES

[1] Michael Alvarez, MFT, personal conversation.

^[2] “Elder or Dependent Adult Abuse,” Psychology Today (4/2/19), accessed 6/29/19, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/elder-or-dependent-adult-abuse. The first four types of abuse are adapted from this article.

^[3] “Domestic Violence,” The United States Department of Justice (6/16/17), accessed 4/9/18, https://web.archive.org/web/20180409111243/https:/www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence. The Department of Justice definition of domestic violence includes physical, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions. “We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.”

^[4] Julie Anne, “The Christian Patriarchy Movement’s Dark Secret of Wife Spanking,” Spiritual Sounding Board (1/3/14), accessed 1/3/20, https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2014/01/03/the-christian-patriarchy-movements-dark-secret-of-wife-spanking/. For more on the topic of wife spanking, see the article above, or go to thelifesavingdivorce.com/links.

^[5] “The Duluth Wheel of Power and Control,” and “The Duluth Wheel of Equality,” The Duluth Model, Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (Duluth, MN, © 1982, 2019). Used by permission. Retrieved 1/7/19. For more information, including FAQs and gender-specific wording, go to www.theduluthmodel.org.

^[6] Anne H. Flitcraft and Susan M. Hadley, et al., “Diagnostic and Treatment Guidelines on Domestic Violence,” American Medical Association 6 (1992): 6, accessed 1/3/20, http://www.ncdsv.org/images/AMA_Diag&TreatGuideDV_3-1992.pdf.

[7] This divorce attorney gave me a private phone interview, under condition of anonymity.

^[8] Julie Owens, “The Myth of the ‘Cycle of Abuse,'” Julie Owens: Violence Against Women Consultant (5/9/18), accessed 9/19/19, https://www.domesticviolenceexpert.org/newsletter/2018/5/9/newsletter-may-2018. Julie Owens does church training programs on domestic violence.

^[9] For more on this, see Julie Owens’ book.

^[10] Owens, “The Myth.”

^[11] I first heard the concept of an anchor spouse in a talk by Pastor Nate Aanderud.

^[12] “Statistics,” National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, accessed 1/3/20, https://ncadv.org/statistics . It should be noted that “domestic violence” technically includes a wide range of abuse, including physical, emotional, and verbal. This site gives information on all types of abuse.

^[13] “MOSAIC Frequently Asked Questions,” MOSAIC Threat Assessment Systems, accessed 8/26/19, https://www.mosaicmethod.com/?page=faq. I have no affiliation with MOSAIC. MOSAIC Threat Assessment is free. The company that created it specializes in workplace violence, school/university harassment, and threats to public officials or judicial officers. There is a free version for people who wish to evaluate their own (or someone else’s) personal situation. The organization claims: “Everything you enter is completely private. This online system allows you to answer questions and enter information, then print a report. When you delete the assessments you do, they are gone. Nobody other than you ever has access to the information you enter.”

^[14] This list is compiled with help from the material on Tom Graves’ website, www.batteredmen.com.

Do You Need Support? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” (ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS.) This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome.

How to Find a Good Supportive Church

Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

Best Books/Resources on Abuse, Infidelity, Parental Alienation, and High-Conflict Divorce

Home Follow me on Facebook • Follow me on Twitter • Buy the book.
10 Key Highlights from the The Life-Saving Divorcebook: 10-minute video overview OR 10 Key highlights blog post
Request to Join the Life-Saving Divorce Private Facebook Group (Don’t forget to answer the 3 questions)
Subscribe (FREE) to my You Tube Channel
About Me Contact
Gretchen’s Life-Saving Divorce Interviews in the Media
Examples of 150 examples of types of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, and neglect) and explaining the term “gaslighting,” along with many first-person stories, read Chapter 4 in TheLife-Saving Divorce.

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve also written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. You may also sign up for my email list below.

50 MOST POPULAR BLOG POSTS

Start Here

Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity

God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims

Does God Hate Divorce? No, Most English Bible Translations Don’t Say That

How to Find a Good Supportive Church

What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?

Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You

Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News

Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce

Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories

Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope

High Conflict Divorce and Parenting

Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith

Best Books/Resources on Abuse, Infidelity, Parental Alienation, and High-Conflict Divorce

Common Myths

FREE

FOLLOW

Get the Life-Saving Divorce Book

The Life-Saving Divorce is about divorces for very serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, or severe neglect. This book will give you hope for your future, and optimism about your children. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.