If you’re new to my blog, please start here: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/about/. I’m a committed Evangelical Christian. I began leading Christian divorce recovery groups in conservative churches in 1998. Despite what I was taught, I do not believe the vast majority of divorces are frivolous. . I write about life-saving divorces—those roughly 6 in 10 divorces for very serious reasons. If you want the biblical case in one place, start here: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible/. And if you need help naming what is happening in your marriage, see: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/130examples/.
Does Jesus’ command to “love my enemy” mean I cannot divorce my abusive spouse?
Recently, a woman sent me a Tim Challies article about loving your enemy and applying that to marriage—as if Jesus’ words mean a spouse must keep loving selflessly while expecting nothing healthy, safe, or respectful in return.
She was confused.
She is in a terribly abusive marriage to a man who identifies as a Christian and talks a great deal about God and the Bible. But he treats her as the enemy. He is not selfless. He does not have her best interests at heart. He lies, rages, and exploits her loving, trusting nature over and over. It is a one-way street where he takes and she gives. Although he made public vows to love and care for her, he does not invest in making the marriage safe, faithful, or nurturing.
So what is she supposed to do?
Does “love your enemy” mean you must silently endure any treatment, completely unable to protect yourself? Do Jesus’ words mean you should allow your enemies to run over you with a car, forge your name on checks, terrorize your children, or use your body and emotions as a dumping ground for their sin?
No. Of course not.
I do believe Jesus calls us to love our enemies and pray for them. But that does not mean ongoing access. It does not mean trust. It does not mean reconciliation without repentance. And it certainly does not mean remaining trapped in a destructive marriage.
You can love an enemy and still:
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refuse to trust them again
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refuse to live in the same house
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refuse to loan them money
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refuse to go on vacation with them
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refuse to continue a friendship
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refuse to stay married to them
In these verses, “love” does not mean becoming a doormat. It means not taking personal revenge. It means not returning evil for evil. It means treating people fairly before God and the law. It does not mean allowing yourself, your children, or even your pets to remain in danger.
That is not biblical love. That is surrender to destruction.
Can you imagine a wedding where only one person makes vows? The bride publicly promises to love, honor, cherish, and be faithful, while the groom simply says, “Yes, I accept your offer,” and makes no promises in return. What sensible person would marry under those terms?
That is not a marriage. It may be servitude. It may be exploitation. It may be incarceration. But it is not marriage.
Two Bible passages that say, in effect, “Get away from destructive people”
1 Cor 5:11-12 (NIV) But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
2 Tim 3:1-5 NIV But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
That matters.
These passages imply that a person can look religious and still be deeply unsafe. They may attend church, lead studies, quote Scripture, and present themselves as spiritually mature—while being cruel and dangerous at home. If that is your situation, this may also help: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/runfromabusers/ and https://lifesavingdivorce.com/divorceforabuse/.
I do not hate my ex-husband. I cared what happened to him. I treated him fairly when we divided assets. I sacrificed above and beyond to help preserve his relationship with the children. But I still filed for divorce and asked him to leave.
That was not hatred.
That was a boundary.
That was me saying, “No more.”
You can love your abusive or unfaithful spouse—in the sense of treating that person fairly before God—and still get away from them. You can protect yourself. You can protect your children. And yes, you can divorce them for good.
For more on this, also see:
Marriage Is a Conditional Covenant (Not an Unbreakable Covenant or Promise) — a biblical case that marriage is conditional, not a blank check for lifelong mistreatment.
But He Never Hit Me: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse — for those wondering whether emotional abuse and severe neglect are serious enough to justify leaving.
But I Thought It Was God’s Will for Me to Marry This Person! — for Christians who prayed fervently before marrying, believed that God brought them together, and feel anguish over a marriage has become unsafe or destructive.
Pastors Who Condone Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce — a helpful list of pastors and ministry leaders who acknowledge abuse as legitimate biblical grounds for divorce.
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