This is Myth 6 of 27 Myths about divorce that aren't likely to be true of people who love God and take their faith seriously. These messages make us worry if we're pleasing God. They contain little accusations that our motives aren't right. They make us second-guess ourselves when we try to get ourselves and our children to safety. Many of us have heard these messages all our lives and wanted to avoid them.  So although these myths may be true for people who are selfish or immature, they aren't true for a person who invested their heart and soul into the relationship, even when the other person didn't.  See all the myths on one page. See the next myth.

Myth 6: You Must Be Exaggerating!
Everyone Would Know If Your Spouse Was THAT Bad.

TRUTH: It is almost impossible to spot dangerous spouses from outside of the marriage.

This myth says that abusers, cheaters, and sex offenders are easy to spot. You can tell just by hanging out with them. If it’s not obvious to everyone, you must be wrong.

  • “I don’t think he’s an abuser. You’re being overly dramatic.”
  • “I’ve never seen him be mean to anyone. I think you’re lying.”

Abusive people do not show their abusive side in front of bosses, friends, or people they want to impress. They rarely beat or torment their spouse or children in front of two witnesses, a video camera, or an audio recorder. They are clever. Abusers don’t want to be caught, and often the victims say nothing in hopes that the person will change, or out of fear no one will believe them.

Some abusers—especially in religious circles—are friendly and charming in front of others, but turn into the opposite behind closed doors. One woman described her husband as Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde: He was a man who would go out of his way to help people stranded along the road by fixing their flat tires, but he would viciously attack her when he got home, satisfying his violent temper without compassion or remorse. “I knew no one would believe me if I told them he was abusive,” she said. It took her years to get out.

This is part of Chapter 3 in The Life-Saving Divorce. For more on this topic, including many wonderful first-person stories, read the book.

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, "Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians." Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome.  I’ve written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. Also, sign up for my email list below.



Start Here



Does God Hate Divorce? He May Hate Divorce, But He Hates Abuse & Betrayal More!


Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity

God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims


How to Find a Good Supportive Church


What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?



Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You

Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News

Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce


Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories

Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope


High Conflict Divorce and Parenting

Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith


Common Myths






GET THE BOOK! The Life-Saving Divorce is about divorces for very serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, or severe neglect. This book will give you hope for your future, and optimism about your children. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

For more on the myths of divorce, buy the Life-Saving Divorce.

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