Will I Find Love Again? Will I Remarry or Stay Single After Divorce?

Myth 2: Your second marriage is likely to end in divorce and won’t be any happier because you bring your problems with you.

The first part of this myth is only partially true. The divorce rate for second marriages nationwide is indeed higher than first marriages: 60%. (And for third marriages, it is 65%.)

But that likelihood is for all remarriages, not remarriages after a life-saving divorce.

Research shows that people whose marriages had been very unhappy for a long time—people who needed a life-saving divorce—are likely to have a happier second marriage.

Researchers Hawkins and Booth studied people who were in long-term unhappy marriages (a minimum of twelve years of being unhappily married). They followed these couples for many years beyond the twelve-year point. They compared those who stayed married and those who divorced, and they tracked their wellbeing in several different ways.

They concluded that both those who divorced and remarried, and those who divorced and stayed single, were much better off on average than they would have been if they had stayed in the bad marriage:

“Divorced individuals who remarry have greater overall happiness, and those who

divorce and remain unmarried have greater levels of life satisfaction, self-esteem and overall health than unhappily married people.”^[5]

Myth 3: You will never remarry, and you’ll live a miserable, lonely life.

As I mentioned, I was single for more than twenty years after my divorce. Yet I was very happy once I got past those first two years.

I never dreamed I would be single for twenty years,

and I definitely never dreamed that those years would be

so rewarding, purposeful, and meaningful.

But researchers could have predicted that. They had already found that people were happier once they got out of a destructive long-term marriage. Based on their findings, it doesn’t matter whether you remarry or not. You will be happier, on average, than if you had stayed.

If you choose to stay single, your life is likely to be healthier and more satisfying, and you’ll have more self-respect.

Researchers Hawkins and Booth concluded this about these long-term unhappy unions:

“Remaining unhappily married rather than divorcing is never beneficial to the psychological wellbeing or overall health of the individuals in this study.”^[6]

Happiness and Long-Term Singleness after Divorce

I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was brought up with the unspoken message that said women friends are just place-keepers until you find a husband. I bought that message for the first thirty-five years of my life. I was wrong.

In Chapter 8 of my book (Safe Churches and Friends), I tell the story of how my best friend and I started a divorce recovery group at our church and how it provided a lot of great friendship and support. Those women are some of the strongest and most courageous people I know. They are amazing survivors. I was honored to hear their stories and get a front-row seat to watch how the Lord healed them and gave them a new passion for growth.

In addition to that group, I also joined groups made up of men and women who were interested in the same things I was: friends who loved photography, business, travel, and books. My circle of friendships grew. Between my children and my close friends, I found the love and belonging I craved.

Here are some reasons to stay single (adapted from my article originally published by Psych Central):

• Being single can force you to be a better person. As a single person, you are more likely to have built-in motivation to be a good employee, friend, relative and neighbor. You have no automatic safety net, in the form of a spouse, and because of this, many single people create and nurture their own circles of people who are important to them. They are reliable and responsible, whereas some married people stop growing and just coast.

• Being single gives you time to contemplate life and become deeper. You get to know yourself when you are alone. You find out what really matters: integrity, self-awareness, and your core values. You don’t have to conform to peer pressure. You can be authentic.

• Being single allows you to be available for interesting adventures. Married people spend a lot of time with each other. In fact, they feel obligated to spend a majority of time together. But single people have the freedom to explore new ideas, new places, and new people.

• Singles have rich friendships. Most married people spend time with their spouse and kids, and maybe a handful of friends. Singles develop deep relationships with all kinds of people,^[7] including their extended family members.

Has Anyone Ever Surveyed the Happiness of Christians After Divorce?

Yes, Baylor University (Baylor is the largest Baptist university in the world) has collected data that indicate that 7 in 10 Christians are happy after divorce. (Five in 10 are "somewhat happy" and 2 in 10 are "very happy" after divorce.)