12 Tips for Talking with Angry or Alienated Kids
How to Avoid 12 Common Mistakes When Your Child Is Pulling Away After Divorce
UPDATED Feb 2026 — Divorce can be incredibly painful for parents and children, especially in high-conflict situations. While it’s normal for kids—especially teenagers—to seek more independence or become emotionally distant at times, parental alienation is different.
In this context, alienation refers to situations where a child becomes unusually rejecting, hostile, or fearful toward a once-loved parent due to intense loyalty pressure, manipulation, or coercive influence from the other parent or family system.
It’s important to note that children can pull away for many reasons, including normal developmental changes, stress, or even legitimate hurt. Protective distancing is not the same thing as manipulation. Abuse allegations can also be real, and this article is not meant to dismiss genuine safety concerns.
If your ex has been violent, threatening, or if your child may be unsafe, please consult a qualified professional before applying these communication strategies. Safety must always come first.
Children caught in the middle are not choosing this freely—they are often reacting to stress, coercion, or emotional survival in a fractured family system.
Kids Caught in the Middle
Children who feel stuck between two parents in conflict are often the innocent victims of divorce stress.
When one parent pulls children into adult battles—using them as messengers, allies, or emotional pawns—it can deeply harm the parent-child relationship. Sometimes this dynamic is temporary, a trauma response during a painful season. But in other cases, it becomes deliberate and long-lasting.
Few things are more heartbreaking than watching a child who once felt close and affectionate suddenly treat a devoted parent with rejection or contempt.
Over the years, as a Christian divorce recovery leader, I have seen children turn against loving mothers and fathers with whom they previously had warm, normal relationships. It is devastating.
Sometimes these tensions ease as the divorce conflict settles. But when a parent repeatedly speaks negatively, spreads false accusations, or blocks contact, it can do lasting damage. Children may begin to believe they are unloved or unsafe—and the rejection often grows.
A New Strategy That Feels Backward
The good news is: you are not helpless. There are constructive, research-based ways to respond when your child is pulling away.
But the strategies that work in these situations can feel completely counter-intuitive. Most parents naturally want to defend themselves, correct the lies, or demand respect.
Unfortunately, those instincts often backfire.
Experts and experienced alienated parents strongly recommend learning a new approach—one that keeps the door open for your child instead of escalating the conflict.
It may even help to spend a few days immersing yourself in the best guidance available before reacting out of pain or panic.
Below are solutions to 12 common mistakes parents often make when rejection escalates. The natural urge is to counter-attack—but that usually pushes children further away.
Expert Guidance: 12 Common Mistakes to Avoid With a Rejecting Child
I am grateful to Dr. Kathleen Reay, one of Canada’s leading psychologists on parental alienation, for allowing me to share her tips here.
Dr. Reay’s “The Twelve Most Common Mistakes Alienated Parents Make With Their Children” comes from her excellent workbook Toxic Divorce, which offers practical strategies and emotional support for parents walking through this pain.
I have also invited a mother whose children were turned against her to add brief comments (in red).
—Gretchen
A Newer Resource on Boundaries and Communication (Bill Eddy, 2026)
If you are navigating a high-conflict divorce, Bill Eddy (author of BIFF and Splitting) recently wrote a helpful 2026 article on setting limits, protecting children from conflict, and communicating calmly in court-sensitive ways.
- EAR Statements in person (Empathy, Attention, Respect)
- BIFF Responses in writing (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
These tools can help you stay steady and avoid reactions that may later be used against you. Read: Setting Limits in Divorce and Divorce Court (High Conflict Institute, Jan 2026)
Expert Guidance: 12 Common Mistakes to Avoid…
If you are in contact via phone, letter writing, social networking, or in person with your alienated children, here are some suggestions—
- When in contact with your children don’t trash, bash, berate, put down, or persecute their other parent. Doing so, you are modeling abusive behavior to your children. This will ultimately backfire on you. Your children will likely feel very uncomfortable and have less respect for you. Additionally, this kind of behavior on your part will likely push them further away from you.
- Don’t challenge or dispute your children’s loyalty to the alienating parent. Choosing to do so will only create more resistance. Remember, the greater you challenge your children’s loyalty to the other parent, the more your children will resist. Be encouraging and focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. For example, stated in a warm and sincere manner, ”I’m impressed with the way you take such good care of your father.”
- Don’t discuss any legal information. It’s important that your children do not hear any references to court actions or any other legal information. This includes not showing them any legal or court documents. Don’t be surprised if your older children or teens insist that you share legal information with them to help sort out what is true and what is not. Keep in mind that legal information including the difficult language, what court orders actually mean, and so on can be difficult for most adults to comprehend, never mind children and teens. Confusing court documents may encourage children to take sides; redirect them instead.
Note from a parent who has been there: “If you want to, you can promise to share more information with them in the future when they are adults, if they ask.”
- In spite of sounding counter-intuitive, don’t make demands. For example, “What you should do is treat me with respect instead of treating me with such disrespect. I’m your parent so don’t talk to me that way.” Even though your likely intention is to attempt to control the situation with your alienated child and provide some prompt remedy, what it really says to your alienated child is this: “You don’t have the right to decide how to deal with your issues and feelings.” Remember, your child is a victim, as well. Your child has not intentionally created PAS; your child has been drawn into it by his/her other parent.
Note from a mother who has been there: “You have to see this from the child’s perspective. This is not a normal parenting situation. In the other parent’s home, your child can never speak their mind and say what they really think, or they will suffer the consequences. They are in constant double-binds. They feel they can never win. It is self-defeating. In a normal parenting situation, it is good to ask for right behaviors, but from the child’s point of view, they are in double-binds every way they turn. Their dad tells them everything they should or should not say. He controls and stifles them. If you demand respect, it may come back to bite you. Some parents who held a hard line look back and feel they turned their kids into narcissists themselves. And holding a hard line drives the kids toward the narcissistic parent. It’s sad, but in these situations, you don’t get to be a normal parent. “My daughter would have outbursts with me. You think you ought to curb your kid’s behavior. You want to come down on them. But what you’re telling your child is, ‘You don’t have a voice.’ They already feel terrified and that no one is listening. You are her only safe place. You are the only person she can rage to. The fact that she rages against you rather than dad, says you are her safe place and her safe parent. They feel that they are always in trouble always being controlled and silenced. If you get onto them, they will feel they have no safe place but drugs, alcohol, or running away.”
- Don’t interrogate. For example, “What did your mom say to you to make you say that to me?” Although you may have good intentions to get to the bottom of the issue and find out what was said or done to make your child react the way he/she has to you, it will backfire. What it really says to your alienated child is, “Not only your mother but you must have messed up here.” This will only make your children feel worse and they will likely reject you more. Please note: It is perfectly okay to clarify any misconceptions that your alienated children may have about you or your situation. For example, if your child says, “Daddy says you never loved him or us,” you can say, for instance, “Sorry sweetie, the moment we met, I fell in love with your father. You and your brother were loved from the moment we knew you were going to be born. I will never stop loving you no matter what.” Whenever the need arises to clarify any misconceptions that your alienated children may have about you or your situation, remind them of specific memories you have about them or of other people, places, times, or things related to their misconceptions. This would be a great time to share any photographs or videos you may have of those times.
- Don’t moralize. For example, “The right thing to say to me is ….. “, “You really should …. “, “It’s wrong to …. “. Although the likely intention is to show your child the proper way to deal with the issue, the meaning of the message is, “I’ll choose your values for you.” This will backfire too.
- Don’t pretend to act like a psychologist. For example, “Do you know why you said that to me? You’re just copying your mother. That’s what she always says, you know.” Even though your likely intention is to help prevent future issues by analyzing your child’s behavior and explaining his/her motives, what it really says to your child is, “I know more about you than you know about yourself. And, that makes me superior to you.” It’ll backfire because your alienated child will not feel like a social equal which will likely push him/her even further away from you.
- Don’t yell, scream, nag, coax, lecture, or give ultimatums. All children don’t like to be yelled or screamed at. Nor do they like to be nagged, coaxed, lectured, or given ultimatums by their parents. They feel disrespected and tend to counter it by disrespecting the parent back. The same holds true for alienated children but generally to a greater degree. For example, “How dare you speak to me in that tone of voice. If you do that again, then I don’t want you to come around here anymore.” This kind of behavior on your part will likely induce fear in your alienated child. The child may interpret these types of messages as truth, whether you mean it or not. Your children may actually use this as a way to avoid seeing you again. It’ll make it much more difficult for you and your alienated child to repair the relationship.
- Don’t use guilt trips. For example, ”You wouldn’t really treat me the way you do now if I earned as much money as your father does.” Although your likely intention is to help your child see the wrong in his/her thoughts, feelings, and actions, what it really says to your child is, “I am imposing a penance for your past mistakes because you and your other parent are at fault.” Imposing guilt on the rampage also backfires.
- Don’t deny your children’s feelings and only justify yours. For example, “Oh, that’s not true. You don’t really feel upset. If anybody should feel upset, it should be me.” Alienated children need to have their feelings validated just as much as anybody else does. Although it’s quite unlikely that your children will validate your feelings due to the level of PAS that is occurring, please don’t let that stop you from role-modeling it to them. It will be of help in repairing your broken relationship.
- Don’t be stubborn and child-like. Apologize for mistakes you have made now and in the past. As you’re aware, alienated parents undergo a vast array of negative emotions including anger. Although it may be very difficult to do, it’s not impossible to apologize to your alienated children when you have intentionally, unintentionally, or unknowingly done something wrong now or in the past. We want to teach our children to be responsible, caring, and accountable people when they grow up. What is stopping us from role-modeling that to them? It’s okay to say, for instance, “I realize that there were many times when I had to work evenings and weekends and I wasn’t able to go to your school concerts and soccer games. I apologize for not being there.”
- Don’t react or over-react when your children treat you with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. It’s very important to learn to be proactive and active rather than reactive and over-reactive with them. As difficult as it will be, it is so very important for you to do your very best and develop a hard shell like a tortoise! If you were to react or over-react, then your alienated children will likely feel no need to ever want to repair the fragmented relationship. Sometimes an alienated parent will unleash anger on his or her children and forget that they are victims, too.
©2011 Kathleen Reay, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Used with her written permission.
For more on children and divorce, read Chapter 7 of The Life-Saving Divorce.
Books, Websites and Videos on Parental Alienation (When Your Ex Turns Your Child Against You)
Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex, by Amy J. L. Baker.
This book is practical and easy to read. It gives tips on what to watch for, as well as actual phrases to use when responding to your kids. It has a workbook-format section at the end of each chapter.
Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak.
The book is basic and practical. It covers more of the legal aspects of child custody, including situations such as kidnapping.
Toxic Divorce: A Workbook for Alienated Parents, by Kathleen M. Reay, Ph.D.
Toxic Divorce is an excellent workbook to help parents with their feelings, providing strategies and tips to de-escalate parental alienation so it doesn’t progress from moderate to severe.
Welcome Back, Pluto, by Richard Warshak .
This video is for parents, containing tips for parents who wish to reconnect and reunite with their alienated children. [Note: It is not meant to be watched with your children.]
Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce by Bill Eddy (lawyer)
This is Eddy’s book on raising kids after divorce. He talks about “1000 Little Bricks,” the bad behaviors of both parents, family members, friends and divorce professionals, that help build a Wall of Alienation between a parent and child. He is an attorney, therapist and mediator.
Bill Eddy is an attorney, mediator, and clinical social worker. Book covers the court/legal process of divorcing, including hiring a divorce lawyer, gathering evidence, and what to expect from your ex- and their attorney.
BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns by Bill Eddy (attorney)
In the heat of a custody battle, or high-conflict divorce, this is a book on how to handle vitriol, hate, hostility, and false accusations leveled at you by your ex. How to respond…or not respond.
The Narc Decoder, by Tina Swithin.
When your ex-spouse attacks you with insinuations, false accusations, and threats during the divorce process, this book will help you decide how to respond. Using real-life correspondence and a touch of humor, the author helps you see past the words, and look at the underlying message, then decide how to respond in a way that will help you in divorce court. Also check out her blog, www.onemomsbattle.com And You Tube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI4AhUPJiUSU_wqtSqRoaOw
FREE Expert Advice and Online Support:
Free Expert advice: Tina Swithin is an expert on parental alienation, high-conflict divorce, and co-parenting in a high-conflict situation. Her blog: www.onemomsbattle.com And her You Tube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI4AhUPJiUSU_wqtSqRoaOw Her Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onemomsbattle/ She also does coaching, but start with her free videos and blog posts.
What if I Haven’t Talked to My Adult Children in Years? Check out Ryan Thomas, on the topic of parental alienation. When Ryan Thomas was a child, his mother (and her family) turned him against his father. Now as an adult and an advisor to alienated parent and manipulated kids on how to reconnect, he offers a lot of information, including free videos: http://ryanthomasspeaks.com/videos/. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ryanthomasspeaks/ Blog: https://ryanthomasinternational.com/media/
There are free online support groups for parents who are experiencing this. Do an online search to find one that suits you. If the situation persists, find others who understand and have walked in your shoes.
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