Note about this “10 Turning Points” Series: A turning point is the moment when you finally know: “I cannot keep living like this.” Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes it is the effect on your children. Sometimes it is depression, health problems, or the slow realization that what you are experiencing is abuse.
People of faith often stay longer in destructive marriages because they love God, take marriage seriously, and do not want to be seen as quitters. They are not looking for an easy way out. Many have prayed, forgiven, counseled, fasted, submitted, hoped, waited, and tried again.
But in some marriages there is a long-standing pattern of adultery, sexual immorality, domestic violence, chronic emotional or verbal abuse, abandonment, or neglect due to addictions. These are the marriages I call Life-Saving Divorces.
My message to people in these destructive marriages is still this:
You can love God and get a divorce. And God will still love you. Really.
I feel honored when someone trusts me with their divorce story. When Christians finally tell the truth about what happened behind closed doors, it often includes years of fear, betrayal, coercion, spiritual pressure, and deep grief.
Many say, “I didn’t know when enough was enough.” But looking back, they can usually identify a turning point—an “Aha” moment when they knew they had to protect their life, sanity, faith, or children.
Here are ten common turning points I heard again and again:
Turning Point 1. Fear: I Escaped and Never Came Back
Turning Point 2. Protecting My Children from Direct or Indirect Abuse
Turning Point 3. I Can’t Take It Anymore: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Medical Issues
Turning Point 4. Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
Turning Point 5. This Really Is Abuse!
For many Christians, this turning point also includes discovering that “God hates divorce” is not the oldest or most widely supported way to understand Malachi 2:16. For centuries, many translators and scholars understood Malachi 2 as condemning treachery, violence, and faithlessness—not condemning every divorce. I explain this more in Does God Hate Divorce? What Malachi 2:16 Really Means.
Turning Point 6. Someone I Respected Told Me I Was Free to Go—If I Wanted To
Turning Point 7. An Old Friend Told Me I Was Worthy of Love, Not Disrespect
Turning Point 8. A Friend Walked with Me and Gave Me Courage
Turning Point 9. Prayer: God Told Me I Could Go
Turning Point 10. My Spouse Divorced or Walked Out on Me
If you are wondering whether it is time to file for divorce, I cannot make that decision for you. Only you know what is happening behind closed doors. Only you know what you and your children are living with. Only you know when enough is enough. Your pastor, parents, Bible study leader, and friends don’t get a say. They have no skin in the game. It’s not their life, their children, their financial stability, their health, their wellbeing. This is your decision.
But I can say this: God does not require you to sacrifice your life, health, sanity, or children on the altar of a destructive marriage.
For more on this, see chapter 5 in The Life-Saving Divorce (paperback, Kindle ebook, or audiobook).
If you are supporting someone in an abusive or destructive marriage, please read How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Marriage.
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