7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abuse Victims or Divorcees
Are you looking for a new church when you need a separation or divorce?
Did you know that nearly 6 in 10 churchgoing Christians switch churches when they go through a divorce or separation? That’s surprising. But it is completely understandable: Sometimes you just feel awkward staying at your old church. And sometimes your Bible study friends give you the message they are uncomfortable having you there. Or sometimes you just want to avoid seeing your ex.
You have options! You can find another church without spending months driving around. You can find a church that doesn’t treat all divorcees as second-class Christians. You want a church that takes your story seriously and empathizes. Anyone who got a life-saving divorce can hold their head high. It took courage, effort, and struggle to get away from that toxic environment.
Safe churches require some work to find. Some churches describe all divorcees as quitters who took the easy way out. That’s not fair. You want empathetic leadership that knows how hard you tried, and doesn’t accuse you of ignoring God’s Word and not valuing the sanctity of marriage. You want a church that is supportive of life-saving divorces, and knows that sometimes they are necessary.
LifeWay Research (the research affiliate of the Southern Baptists) published this graph that shows nearly 6 in 10 churchgoers switch churches when they divorce. That means most divorced Christians switched churches!
This graph shows that nearly 6 in 10 churchgoing Christians switch churches when they divorce.
Look for a Church Online!
Don’t waste your time driving to a church and awkwardly walking in the door, when you can check it out in advance by listening to the pastors’ sermons online.
You will learn a lot by seeing how pastors and leaders talk about marriage and divorce. I did this for a friend who moved to a new town. It took me a few hours, but it’s less stressful than visiting each church in person. Who wants to drag their kids to a new church, worry about gossip and whispers, and just feel awkward again? Who wants to spend hours getting your family in the car, only to hear another church leader say, “When you walk away from your marriage, you’re walking away from Jesus”?
7 Ways to Know
SERMONS. Go to the church’s website. Look for a link to their sermons. Marriage is a common topic and many churches have at least one marriage sermon every year. Start looking through the sermon archives for any sermon on marriage or the family. (If they have a sermon on abuse or domestic violence, you may have found a safe church! But listen anyway.)
- ABUSE. In the marriage sermons, is abuse is ever mentioned? Are examples of abuse given? You’re looking for specific examples such as intimidation, domination, striking, threatening, lying, deception, squandering the rent or grocery money, etc.
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ADDICTIONS. Are addictions mentioned in such as way as to suggest that a wife is partially or fully to blame for her husband’s drinking, drug use, sexual addictions, or time watching porn?
- DIVORCE. When the topic of divorce comes up, how many “acceptable” biblical reasons for divorce are listed? Is physical and emotional abuse specifically mentioned as biblical grounds for divorce? See this chart on church views on divorce. Does the pastor give the impression that most divorces are frivolous and only a handful are really for serious reasons? (The truth is that about half of divorces in the U.S. are for life-saving reasons.) Does the sermon ignore abuse and suggest that the person who files for divorce is the one who destroyed the marriage? Does the sermon suggest that all divorce can be avoided if the faithful spouse single-handedly prays harder and sets a good example, regardless of the destructive behavior of the other?
- PUTTING THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MARRIAGE ON ONE SPOUSE. How does the sermon describe men and women? Does it generalize, saying that all or most men are one way and all or most women are another? Are men portrayed as clever and busy yet poor at communication? Or possibly as immature beings who need a good woman to straighten them out? Are women described as emotional and weak? Or possibly as nags and whiners who need a firm hand? Are all marriage problems blamed on the wife for not being submissive, cheerful, or agreeable enough?
- PASTOR’S SPOUSE. How does the pastor speak about his own spouse? Is there a hint of sarcasm or put-downs or giving too much information? Do ministers say anything about their spouse that makes you cringe?
- SEX. Is sex portrayed as a man’s right at any time, day or night-something that men need and women must give in order to keep them from cheating or doing porn? If so, this church likely doesn’t take sexual immorality and sexual deviations seriously. Is sex-on-demand recommended from the pulpit? If so, this church doesn’t think sexual coercion and marital rape are a big deal. This is not a healthy message.
- DIVORCEES. How are divorcees described? Are they dismissed as quitters who took the easy way out? Or as people who capitulated to the Hollywood divorce culture? Or as losers who just couldn’t go the distance like everyone else? Or as impulsive people who hadn’t counted the cost? Or as sinners who just wanted their own happiness without concern for their children? Or as selfish parents who were willing to destroy their kids for their own freedom?
Next check the comparison chart of Christian denominations to learn their official policies on divorce for abuse. Obviously some pastors have their own views that diverge from their denomination. But you should know what that church’s denomination believes up front. Also, it’s okay to call the pastor before visiting and ask if they accept physical and emotional abuse as valid grounds for divorce. CLICK HERE FOR THE LINK TO THE CHURCH/DENOMINATION COMPARISON CHART
Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome.
- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
- Download “7 Effective Ways to End the Stigma of Divorce in the Church” (Sign up)
- Download “7 Effective Ways to Deal with Criticism when You Divorce” (Sign up)
- Download “3 Studies that Show Kids Are Most Likely to Turn Out Fine After Divorce” (Sign up at bottom of page)
- Home Follow me on Facebook • Follow me on Twitter • Buy the book.
- 10 Key Highlights from the The Life-Saving Divorce book: 10-minute video overview OR 10 Key highlights blog post
- Request to Join the Facebook Private Group (Don’t forget to answer the 3 questions)
- Subscribe (FREE) to my You Tube Channel
- About Me Contact
- Gretchen’s Life-Saving Divorce Interviews in the Media
- Examples of 150 examples of types of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, and neglect) and explaining the term “gaslighting,” along with many first-person stories, read Chapter 4 in TheLife-Saving Divorce.
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