He Never Hit Me: Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Marriage

01:30 – Her story

02:25 – Examples of types of emotional abuse

03:20 – No counselor used the word “abuse” to describe her husband’s controlling behavior

04:00 – The tipping point: How the Spirit told her that living like this was insane.

05:00 – How well-meaning therapists and pastors accidentally pressure the victim and side with the abuser

08:00 – 1 Peter 3 requires husbands to be understanding and to give respectful treatment to their wives.

09:21 – How desperation drove her to divorce.

09:55 – God made a path to freedom, but she was still afraid of the future.

10:45 – Rebuilding your life is a walk of faith. Watch and see how God provides. A good counselor who understands abuse is beneficial.
12:15 – Getting past a negative view of men.

13:15 – Online dating disasters—and success

16:00 – Setting boundaries when doing online dating

18:00 – Meeting her husband online. Not “love at first sight.”

20:00 – Do you have too much baggage to remarry? No.

21:45 – How her children feel about her 2nd husband.

23:40 – Why do counselors miss abuse?

25:00 – How abusers deceive us. What happens when words, actions, and attitudes don’t line up?

26:00 – How abusers blame you for their marriage-destroying sin.

27:00 – Better ways for therapists to help abuse victims

30:10 – Examine the fruit of the abuser: are they bringing love, joy, peace, patience, etc., to your marriage?

31:00 – “Holiness over happiness” messages trap abuse victims in unsafe situations.

32:00 – How life-saving divorces make your home MORE holy, not LESS holy.

32:45 – Recommendations for therapists.

36:16 – We want to break the cycle to protect our children. The dysfunction ends with me.

37:50 – If you don’t leave abuse, your children may decide to either become predators or prey.

38:40 – Be careful about counselors whose goal is to keep your marriage together. An abusive marriage isn’t noble: it’s destructive.

38:56 – Dealing with regrets that you failed to protect your children, and didn’t get them out sooner.

43:00 – How to combat regret.

43:30 – Description of Cindy’s books and website www.HurtByLove.com

45:10 – Expecting criticism from church leaders who don’t understand. Praying about it. Talking to the Lord.

45:45 – When an abuser abuses, they’ve broken their vows.

47:00 – It’s dangerous to do marriage therapy or couples counseling with an abuser in the room.  www.lifesavingdivorce.com/couplescounseling

48:00 – We need more Christian counselors who are trained in abuse.

48:30 – John & Julie Gottman’s blog says that half the people who come in for counseling, whether they admit it or not, are victims of violence. https://www.gottman.com/blog/v-is-for-violence/

48:45 – Sometimes well-meaning counselors accidentally treat abuse as a communication problem rather than a coercion or control problem.

49:30 – Abusers are charming and skillful at deceiving the counselor

50:00 – Counselors have a duty to warn if their clients are marrying someone with an issue known to have poor treatment outcomes: pedophiles, abusers, serial adulterers, etc.

52:45 – Gretchen talks about her 20 years in churches as a Christian divorce recovery leader and how she (as an infidelity survivor) changed her mind in 1998 to view emotional abuse as a biblical reason for divorce. Here is the Scripture basis for that: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible

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