In my interviews with Christian divorcees, I’ve often heard that they stayed in an unfaithful or abusive marriage for decades because they were taught that divorce was a sin.
This myth says that all divorce is forbidden by God, sinful, and unpardonable in God’s eyes-or, similarly, it says that Jesus or Paul never mention the topic of physical or emotional abuse, so those must not be biblical reasons for divorce.
In reality, Scripture shows us God’s permission for divorce in several places. In addition to adultery, sexual immorality, and abandonment, emotional and physical abuse is mentioned in the Old Testament and repeated in the New Testament, but we’ve never seen it because we aren’t looking for it. (Below is a short explanation; see Chapter 6 in The Life-Saving Divorce for a longer one).
Jesus specifically allowed divorce for infidelity
Matthew 19:9 (ESV) And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
The Apostle Paul allowed divorce for abandonment
The Law of Moses commanded divorce for neglect/abuse
The Law of Moses actually commanded divorce for breaking any of the three marriage vows in Exodus 21:10: food, clothing, and “marital rights,” which can be defined as love, as we read in the New Testament passages earlier.
The same was true for a prisoner-of-war wife who was captured during a battle. If a man took a captive as his wife, he had to do her the honor of letting her mourn before sleeping with her. As his wife, she must be treated properly, not just raped.
This sounds like abusive marriages today where a woman has no voice and no power. All she can do is obey, like a slave. Read more about this in Chapter 6 of the Life-Saving Divorce book, which looks at many Bible verses on divorce (including verses you may never have read before).
“When a man chooses to be abusive, he breaks the covenant.
An abusive man forfeits the right to remain married…”
– Justin and Lindsey A. Holcomb[1]
The third time the Bible commands divorce is in Ezra 9-10. This is where God commands the men to divorce their foreign wives due to spiritual betrayal.
The Bible prohibited divorce only one time
God protects woman who are victims of rape. In the Deuteronomy version of this verse, it says the rapist can honorably marry the victim (by paying the bride price), but can never divorce her. The Exodus version of this verse says the father can withhold consent. He can simply collect the bride price from the rapist and say no to the marriage.
A man was not allowed to rape a woman, then cover up his crime by marrying her, then turn around and divorce her under made-up pretenses. Biblical law didn’t allow that level of treachery. He had to care for her properly for the rest of his life.
Now not all Ancient Near Eastern countries had such a tough law. Some just humiliated the rapist but nothing more. They didn’t force him to provide for the woman at all, much less for the rest of her life.
God’s 3,500-year-old law is better protection than what many U.S. states have today that allow child marriage. In the biblical law, the rapist couldn’t divorce her. And if he abused her, she had the right to ask the court for a divorce. And everyone knew it.
So we’ve learned that there are multiple places in the Old Testament where divorce is commanded, and this is the one time when divorce is prohibited, and it all hinges on protecting the injured one from the oppressor.
In fact, God in the Book of Jeremiah (Jeremiah 3:8), says he’s the victim of serial adultery. So he divorced Israel. God himself a divorcee.
How can we be so sure that abuse and substance abuse are serious in God’s eyes?
God doesn’t want abusive people in the church. The apostle Paul told the Christians in Corinth to end their association with any sexually immoral, drunk, emotionally or financially abusive person.
1. We should not associate with people who claim to be Christians but are immoral. Not even to eat with them.
1 Cor 5:11-12 (NIV) But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
2. We are not to be partners with Christians who have even a hint of sexual immorality, impurity, or greed. Such Christians are deceivers. They aren’t going to inherit the Kingdom of God. We hear the verse about not being “unequally yoked” all the time, but this verse says we shouldn’t be partners with Christians who do such things.
Eph 5:3-7 NIV But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a person is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.
3. We can and must talk about our spouse’s bad behavior. It is not slander. This passage said that we must expose it and why.
Eph 5:11-13 NIV Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible-and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.
4. We can call a spade a spade. We can call bad behavior out, just the way the Bible does. We are to have nothing to do with such people. I know people will say this doesn’t apply to marriage, but that argument doesn’t hold water.
2 Tim 3:1-5 NIV But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
5. Those who do not provide for their own family are the same as those who reject the faith.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. -1 Timothy 5:8
We can love them, forgive them, and still follow the biblical commands to get away from them. We are not called to hate them. We can divorce (or separate) and walk away. Perhaps they will learn their lesson when they lose a spouse.
- This behavior is so bad that Christians are to be thrown out of the church according to 1 Cor 5:11-12 and Eph 5:3-7. If God wants the church to reject them, how can you ask a spouse to tolerate more than God does?
- If in God’s eyes, this person does not inherit the Kingdom of God, then they are an unbeliever. If they abandon their duty, Christians are given permission to divorce in 1 Corinthians 7:15.
- Jesus taught that marriage doesn’t exist in heaven. So one day we all stand before the Lord singly as individuals.
- Those who have abandoned their obligations to their spouse are also considered to have denied their faith, and are even worse than unbelievers. That situation falls into 1 Corinthians 7:15: abandonment by an unbeliever.
- In Exodus 21:9-11, a husband who reduced-or didn’t provide-food, clothing, and marital rights to his wife was required to let her go free (presumably to marry someone who cared for her better). Wives couldn’t be demoted to concubine status or slave status. The husband only had two choices: care for her properly, or let her go.
The Hebrew doesn’t say, “I hate divorce” or “God hates divorce.” The translation of this verse from the ancient Hebrew language to English is incorrect. [2] The earliest English Bibles (Wycliffe, Geneva, Bishops, and the Great Bible) didn’t translate it as “I hate divorce” or “God hates divorce.” And the three most recent English Bibles don’t either.
Malachi 2:15-16 can be translated from Hebrew to English like this in the New International Version of the Holy Bible.
So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel,” does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. -Malachi 2:15b-16 (New International Version, NIV, emphasis mine)
The same verses in the English Standard Version read like this:
…let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.-Malachi 2:15b-16 (ESV, emphasis mine)
The Holman Christian Standard Bible published by Lifeway (Southern Baptist Convention), translated it like this. (And the revision of the HCSB, the Christian Standard Bible, treats that phrase the same way):
So watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously against the wife of your youth. “If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,”at says the LORD of Hosts. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously. -Malachi 2:15b-16 (HCSB, emphasis mine)
God is not against all divorce. God is against treacherous divorce, divorce where the vow breaker abandons the faithful spouse.
And God is also against treacherous treatment of spouses, such as abuse, abandonment, neglect, and exploitation, as we’ve already seen.
In this Bible passage-the first three chapters of the book of Malachi-God says he is fed up with his people’s disrespect toward him and their disregard of his covenant with them. God threatens to cut off the covenant with Judah.
God rebukes and warns them due to their many betrayals, including the following:
- Judah disrespects God by violating the covenant. The priests cheat God by not offering the appropriate sacrifices (1:6-8).
- Judah profanes God by marrying foreign women who serve foreign gods, leading to spiritual adultery (2:11).
- Judah has been unfaithful by dealing treacherously with the wife of his youth, even though she has been his companion all these years (2:14).
This entire passage is about breaking promises. And God’s hatred toward divorce is focused on those who break the marital contract by doing wrong and acting treacherously.
First, we see the Lord is angry with the people and no longer accepts their offerings with favor.
Why won’t God accept their offerings? Because of treachery and marrying the daughter of a foreign god (possibly meaning worshiping other gods).
What kind of treachery does God condemn? Betraying the wife of your youth, who has been your companion and is legally your wife by the marriage covenant. Why?
The treachery behind this makes God angry. He hates divorce by those who get rid of their wives wrongly.
Notice God’s summary statement: “So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” God doesn’t say, “Don’t divorce for any reason.” In fact, we see Israelites returning from exile taking vows before God to divorce their foreign wives who draw them away from their faith (Ezra 9-10).
It is treachery that God hates. God permits divorce, as long as it is justified.
Since God hates treachery toward wives, we can conclude this:
Divorce is not evidence of moral decay in society.
Tolerating abusive marriages is.
Footnotes:
1 Justin Holcomb and Lindsay Holcomb, “Does the Bible Say Women Should Suffer Abuse and Violence?” JBC 28, no. 2 (2014), accessed 12/13/19, http://justinholcomb.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Does-the-Bible-Say-Women-Should-Suffer-Abuse-and-Violence-Holcomb.pdf Justin is a frequent contributor to The Gospel Coalition blog.
2 Link to Hebrew-English interlinear online for Malachi 2:16. Link to side-by-side chart comparing 18 English Bible translations of Malachi 2:16 shows that “God hates divorce” is just one of three translations published in the past 500 years.
- Sermons from pastors who believe abuse is grounds for divorce.
- List of theologians and pastors who believe abuse is grounds for divorce.
- Training video for pastors who want to train their staff the basic of domestic violence and abuse awareness.
- Nearly 3 in 4 Protestant Pastors accept divorce for abuse, and say it is not a sin.
Scholarly books on biblical reasons for divorce:
1) Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, and Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible, both by David Instone-Brewer. 2) And Marries Another, Craig Keener 3) To Have and to Hold, David Atkinson 4) Divorce and Remarriage, William Luck
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Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
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