Male Victims of Marital Abuse: David and John’s Stories

We don’t talk enough about male victims of marital abuse.

But men can be chronically manipulated, emotionally abused, isolated, falsely accused, and spiritually pressured — just as women can. And when it happens, they are often less likely to be believed and more likely to stay silent.

In this article, you’ll hear the stories of two men — David and John — who were married to emotionally abusive, controlling wives. Their experiences challenge stereotypes about who can be a victim and what abuse looks like inside Christian marriages. I’ve also included links to their interviews on YouTube. 

I first interviewed David in 2019 for my book The Life-Saving Divorce. His story shook me. After our first conversation, I couldn’t sleep for three nights. The abuse he described was so severe and so calculated that I asked for documentation. He provided it. He was telling the truth.

David grew up in a conservative Christian homeschooling family and attended a complementarian church within the Sovereign Grace network. He followed all the rules. He embraced purity culture. He believed that if he honored God, married a “godly” woman, and followed the formula, he would have a safe and joyful marriage.

Instead, he found himself trapped in a destructive relationship marked by manipulation, false accusations, despair, and eventually arrest after being falsely accused of a felony. After years of trauma, depression, and confusion, secular therapists helped him untangle the trauma bond and see the reality of what he had endured.

In this updated interview, David reflects on how theological messaging, church culture, and courtship expectations can leave young Christian men unprepared to recognize red flags — especially when abuse is subtle, spiritualized, or hidden behind outward signs of holiness.

You’ll also hear John’s story — another man who experienced coercive control, false allegations, and disbelief from authorities and church leaders. His journey highlights how hard it can be for male victims to be taken seriously — and how documentation, advocacy, and truth eventually brought him freedom.

Abuse is not a gendered moral category. It is a pattern of power and control. And when Christian communities refuse to see male victims, they fail them.

These stories matter.

For more helpful articles for male victims of abuse, see:

• VIDEO: Men Who Are Victims of Marital Abuse — A 59-minute video overview of husbands who are abused or betrayed by their wives. Includes the stories of “Gary” and “John,” discussion of infidelity, emotional coercion, isolation, false accusations, and 10 key takeaways from male victims’ stories.

• Safety Is Biblical: When a Marriage Becomes Harmful — Makes the point explicitly that safety is not a women-only issue: husbands as well as wives can experience coercion, degradation, abuse, betrayal, and other serious pattern-level harm. 

• CHAPTER 9 on MEN’S EXPERIENCES Life-Saving Divorce Book Study Videos — Includes the Chapter 9 video on male victims of abuse and betrayal, covering why men stay and how they eventually recognize that the marriage has become destructive. 

• Recommended Books and Resources — This is my list of resources. Scroll down to TOPIC 4-C for Books for Men: Male Victims of Abuse and Betrayal,” with resources specifically for men experiencing domestic or marital abuse.

• Divorce Is Good Sometimes: Biblical Covenants, Bondage, and Deliverance — Draws heavily on the work of Joseph J. Pote, a rancher, Christian writer, and divorce survivor, whose writing on broken covenant and redemption is especially valuable for Christian men. Pote argues that ending a covenant that has been turned into bondage can be an act of deliverance rather than covenant-breaking. The post explores his biblical examples from Israel’s deliverance from Egypt and David’s relationship with Saul.

---

John’s Story: Male Victims of Abuse with Video Timestamps

“John” tells his story about being a male victim of abuse at the hands of his wife. The Interviewer is author Gretchen Baskerville, whose book “The Life-Saving Divorce” has a chapter devoted to telling the stories of men who are victims of abusive or serially unfaithful wives.

00:55 – Men are more likely to stay silent, and less likely to be believed.

01:40 – How John met his wife.

03:00 – How his wife cut him off from friends and isolated him from those close to him

04:25 – Her opposition to attending a colleague’s wedding

05:20 – Her demeaning behavior, insults to his professional career and life as a farmer

06:30 – Her claims to be superior to him and demands for apologies.

07:20 – Provoking him into arguments. Criticized him for being English.

07:50 – Friends noticed and commented on the disrespect

08:30 – Undermined his prior promises to his foster daughter

10:30 – The problem with “Happy Wife, Happy Life” formulas

10:40 – She would start argument and would block the front door, and coerce him to stay in the house (He couldn’t move her physically for fear of being accused of being physically violent.)

11:15 – He had to make a run for it, and documented each event

11:55 – His experiences were depicted in the PADLOCK film. https://vimeo.com/251323354

12:15 – Feeling trapped. She said she could do anything she wanted to me.

12:40 – Sleep deprivation, as a common form of torture

13:00 – She never accepted responsibility over her own behavior. He felt trapped.

13:20 – Worried about not being believed.

13:30 – Double standards for women and men victims.

14:40 – How did you finally understand that you were an abuse victim? How did you get in contact with a domestic violence advocate? Duluth Wheel adapted for male victims.

15:45 – DARVO – My wife wanted to portray me as the abuser (reversing victim and offender). She said she could do anything to me she liked.

16:30 – He found the examples, definitions, and men’s stories on the ManKind Initiative website: https://www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-v…

18:00 – Churches don’t always believe him. No church leader has ever asked for his evidence.

18:30 – Advocating by displaying a placard in front of a church.

19:15 – Christian men are sometimes not believed. One man’s wife was convicted and imprisoned for her behavior. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/think…

19:30 – He documented her behavior.

19:50 – His wife made allegations against him. The police pulled him over. He was able to prove beyond any doubt that her allegations were false. Finally, the police had to let him go.

22:20 – He had filed a complaint against her prior to this event. But the police laughed at him.

22:40 – He believes that his wife filed a preemptive charge.

23:15 – In retrospect, he wished he’s been charged, and his journals would have been made public in court.

23:45 – One senior police executive has since apologized to him. John now works with the police in the area of advocacy.

25:00 – Dating again after divorce. He went on a few dates and realized he was not the problem. Most women weren’t abusive. He regained his confidence.

25:50 – He wanted his fiance to know about his past. She looked at the evidence and believed him. Today they are happily married.

26:00 – Message to men: Call the police if you are in danger. Seek out an abuse awareness organization that has men’s stories on their websites. ManKind.org.uk. Men stay because they are afraid of losing contact with their children and because they hope they can protect their children from abuse. The authorities are gradually improving on this topic.

28:45 – Prevalence of male domestic abuse in the U.K.