8 Major Problems in “Is Divorce The Right Answer?” Focus on the Family by Angela Bisignano

This is a fact check of the article “Is Divorce The Right Answer? 15 Questions Couples Should Ask,” by Dr. Angela Bisignano on the Focus on the Family website.

In this article, Dr. Angela Bisignano, a licensed clinical psychologist, gives her top arguments for why you should not divorce, with no exceptions for physical violence, verbal abuse, or child abuse. She never considers that divorce might be a valid answer for a serious situation. This article is unsafe.

See if you agree with any of her reasons.

(I don’t think the first six apply to mature Christians who take the Bible seriously, have a strong sense of personal morality, and value the sanctity of marriage, but let’s take a look.)

Reasons 1-6 assume you don’t have any communication skills, that you haven’t tried to resolve your conflicts respectfully, and that you haven’t looked at your own faults in the marriage. It assumes you haven’t weighed the cost of divorcing. (I’ve been doing divorce recovery groups in churches since 1998. I cannot think of more than a handful of people who didn’t do all these things.)

Reason 7 is confusing. It appears she’s trying to say that divorce rates are quite low right now and that somehow this is evidence that your marriage will improve if you hang in there. She quotes a non-expert, and then she puts words in the mouth of a genuine expert who has publicly said the opposite.

Reason 8 says that going together to church will substantially reduce your likelihood of divorce. It is based on her incorrect reading of a scientific study. The study didn’t find that. She tampers with a quote from that study and removes 4 words, making it appear that the researchers confirm her views. They don’t.

Reason 9 assumes you don’t know what the Bible says. She forgets that Jesus said that divorce was given due to the hardness of people’s hearts. (Below you’ll see that she has misinterpreted Malachi 2:16.)

Reason 10 says the Bible doesn’t condone divorce for abuse. (She’s wrong. See the Bible verses below.)

Reason 11 tries to convince readers that divorce is universally destructive to children. To do this, she misinterprets researchers Dr. Judith Wallerstein and Dr. Mavis Hetherington. (I’ll show you their exact quotes—including their statements suggesting that divorce is good for children when the marriage is particularly toxic.)

Reason 12 says that women’s finances decline after divorce. (That’s probably true in many cases, but frankly, if your choice is between staying with a highly toxic spouse who is destroying you and the kids— or divorcing to have a relatively safe and peaceful life with less money—you’ll probably choose the latter.)

Reason 13 says you should seek marriage therapy. She also believes marriage intensives work. But she provides no evidence for the effectiveness of therapy or marriage intensives for destructive marriages. (Below are the results of a straw poll that found that marriage intensives are not as effective as their marketing claims. And of course, anyone who has gone to therapy for a highly destructive marriage knows that no therapist can fix a bad spouse if they don’t want to change.)

Reason 14 reminds people that divorce is stressful, and then misquotes an expert. (Yes, we all know divorce is very stressful for the first 2-3 years (on average), but living with a toxic person is worse.)

Reason 15 says divorce won’t make you happy, then quotes a study by Dr. Linda Waite, which actually found that divorce improved people’s lives if it ended a violent, destructive, or high-conflict marriage.

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Now let’s go into detail. In RED TYPE is a fact-checking critique and analysis of this article. The black type is the original article itself.

The author starts with a couple who come to see her for marriage therapy, Mike and Sandy (not their real names) who apparently are real people.

Here are 8 significant problems with this article.  

1. It PROMOTES UNPROFESSIONAL COUNSELING TECHNIQUES. Focus on the Family uses an anecdote of Mike and Sandy, a couple coming for marriage counseling and putting divorce on the table, and ignores the possibility that there might be a serious problem in the marriage, such as domestic violence, verbal or emotional abuse, substance addiction, illegal behavior, or mental illness.
2. It MODELS AN UNETHICAL APPROACH. According to professional guidelines, therapists are advised to assess for potential abuse or violence early in the process, asking critical intake questions that are essential for ethical and effective counseling. Still, in this article, author Dr. Bisignano focuses on rekindling Mike and Sandy’s positive memories from the time they met, which seems to dismiss the couple’s desperation.
3. It DEMONSTRATES POOR SCHOLARSHIP. The author misrepresents, misuses, misinterprets, and even omits words from many researchers’ quotes, completely changing the meaning. The author claims that certain researchers hold a particular view when the researchers publicly state the opposite. Many quotes in this article are incorrect.
4. It TELLS PHYSICAL ABUSE VICTIMS THEY ARE TRAPPED. THEY CAN NEVER DIVORCE. The author never offers divorce as a valid option for achieving the highest level of legal protection. In fact, she specifically says that the only valid biblical reason for divorce are “sexual immorality and abandonment.” This is also Focus on the Family’s official view, believe it or not. For more than a year, I’ve offered a reward to the first person who finds an article or broadcast at FocusOnTheFamily.com that says that divorce might be the better choice in cases of abuse. I’ve written about this twice: HERE and HERE. And they’ve deleted all of my comments when I’ve responded to this article. 
5. It ADDS WORDS TO THE BIBLE TO CHANGE THE MEANING. This article adds words to Biblical teachers, requiring victims of an adulterous or runaway spouse to jump through more hoops to divorce than the Scripture requires.
6. It UNFAIRLY STIGMATIZES ALL DIVORCEES, EVEN THOSE WITH SERIOUS REASONS.  It describes divorcees as people who are irresponsible and don’t care about their children, dooming them forever. It neglects to mention that one-half of divorces in the U.S. are for serious reasons: such as criminal behavior, substance addictions, sexual immorality, abandonment, adultery, child abuse, or child molestation. 7 in 10 Christians who divorced reported they were “somewhat happy” or “very happy.”
7. It FALSELY CLAIMS THAT DIVORCE IS UNIVERSALLY DESTRUCTIVE FOR KIDS AND PARENTS. She mischaracterizes the findings of Dr. Mavis Hetherington, Dr. Judith Wallerstein, and Dr. Linda Waite, suggesting that divorce is universally destructive to children and their parents when in reality, these researchers found that divorce is sometimes best for the health and well-being of parents and children. Many other studies show that as well.
8. It OFFERS OVER-SIMPLISTIC ANSWERS TO TOUGH PROBLEMS. In the end, there is an easy solution to Mike and Sandy’s desperate marriage: just put Sandy on thyroid medication. And while physical conditions can put stress on a marriage, and should be evaluated, this seems like a cop-out for this article. It neatly ties up their challenges in a way that overlooks the broader complexities of marriage and conflict resolution.
     

See excerpts of the article below. Copyright law in the U.S. permits quotes of articles for critiques and fact checks. Here’s the LINK to the full blog post on the Focus on the Family website.

 

IS DIVORCE THE RIGHT ANSWER? 15 QUESTIONS COUPLES SHOULD ASK

• BY DR. ANGELA BISIGNANO, AUGUST 17, 2020

INTRO

Dr. Bisignano: Mike and Sandy* came to see me for marriage therapy. They struggled with one of the most challenging questions a married couple can ask: Is divorce the right answer? It’s a high-stakes question – on par with the first question a couple must answer: Should we get married? Both issues require life-changing solutions. Like the decision to marry, couples need to realize that others’ lives – especially their children – will be affected. So, before saying yes to a divorce, a couple should always take a serious look at critical questions that can guide them in making sound emotional, psychological and spiritual decisions.

Gretchen Baskerville: Yes, it is important to weigh the cost of getting divorced. Most people in painful marriages weigh the cost repeatedly. Year after year, they wonder how much more they can take. They ask when “enough is enough.” They are concerned about the stigma of divorce in their church. They worry about money, anxious about keeping a roof over their heads. Mature people think for a long time about divorce and how it will affect them and their children emotionally, financially, and spiritually. But sometimes the pain of staying is worse than the cost of leaving.

Dr. Bisignano: The first time I meet couples for a therapy session, I ask them to tell me the story of their relationship and ask questions like, “Where did you meet?” “What attracted you to each other?” and “When did you decide to get married?” Couples usually lean into the questions about their story, relax a little and take a stroll down memory lane.

Gretchen Baskerville: If their wedding and courtship was positive and endearing, they may find this relaxing and enjoyable to do together. But sometimes it’s not. Nowhere in this article does Dr. Bisignano ask standard intake questions. Yet that’s very important to do. Why? Because according to the Gottman Institute, 50% of the couples who come for marriage counseling have experienced some violence whether they told you or not, and if there’s been abuse, it is unethical to do couples counseling with them.   https://www.gottman.com/blog/v-is-for-violence/  A lot of well-meaning therapists forget this.

According to professional training websites, licensed therapists might normally ask, “What brings you here today?” and “Have you ever seen a counselor before?” “What do you expect from the counseling process?” And other questions to understand the situation.   

Perhaps hearing their courtship story is helpful, but telling stories about how they met and married says nothing about what’s happening now in the current situation. For many domestic violence victims, the abuse starts after the wedding, on the honeymoon or during a pregnancy or illness, long after they first met. 

Conservative pro-family pro-church researchers DeRose, Johnson and Wang, (Johnson is from Baylor University, the largest Baptist university in the world, and Wang is with the pro-family conservative organization Institute for Family Studies) studied intimate partner violence in deeply religious couples in 11 countries, including the U.S. These conservative pro-family researchers found that 1 in 4 highly religious homes in the U.S. had some form of interpersonal violence in their current relationship.

Dr. Bigisnano: I also want the couple to remember that at one time, the relationship was good. Marriage was good. Life was full of hope.

Gretchen Baskerville: It is likely the relationship was once very good and it began with hope. But any licensed psychologist surely must know how much abuse, infidelity, and addiction there is in religious marriages today. That may be why Mike and Sandy came in.

No doubt the relationship started with hope and happiness—that’s why they married. But if they are going to pay a therapist $200 per hour or more, declaring that divorce is on the table, perhaps this isn’t the best question. To me, it feels a little tone-deaf and dismissive. 

Researchers have found that about half of divorces in the U.S. are for very serious things: a pattern of sexual immorality, domestic violence, chronic emotional abuse, life altering addictions, severe indifference or neglect. 

Also, therapists who’ve dealt with abused spouses a long time, know that abused spouses often don’t realize they are being abused. Those beleaguered wives (and sometimes husbands) are researching articles like this for help when they are confused and still in that place of trying to placate the abusive spouse and fix their marriage. They might need to be asked some questions privately, to see if what they are experiencing is normal marriage ups and downs, a possible medical issue, or if it might be something quite serious. 

Bisignano: Mike and Sandy never thought they would divorce. Now, they found themselves wondering if a divorce would make things better. But Mike couldn’t get away from the question that haunted him: “What does God desire?”

Baskerville: We know what God desires: he desires marriages that are loving, caring, undefiled, and faithful. This would have been a good moment to separate the two people, and ask each one privately: “What does “better” mean? What would you like to see in this marriage?”

We know God gave divorce as a way of bringing relief to those who were in a marriage that was unfaithful. Jesus said divorce was given due to hardheartedness.  And, God commanded divorce three times in Scripture, prohibited it only once, and condoned it in several other cases. God Himself divorced Israel and never took her back (Jeremiah 3:8).

Bisignano: Few life experiences are as heart-wrenching as a divorce. So, if you’re wondering if divorce is the right answer, consider these 15 questions.

Baskerville: Yes, divorce is very heart-wrenching, probably one of the toughest decisions a person (especially a parent) ever makes. They cry and spend sleepless nights worried about themselves and their children. But chronic emotional abuse, physical violence, living with a gambling or opioid or porn addict, a criminal, or a serial cheater can be more heart-wrenching than a divorce. 

Many people who are escaping horrifying marriages say the difficulties of divorce were worth it.

The divorced abuse/betrayal survivors in my 6,000-member Life-Saving Divorce private group for conservative Christians (and other people of faith) say they needed to find safety and relief from the chaos of their spouse. The vast majority are glad they got out. They may be poorer; they may need therapy; but they are glad they are no longer living in the toxicity.

While divorce is tough and costly, it doesn’t compare with the tension, fear, and stress of living for years with someone who is deliberately destructive.

 

Question 1: Do you and your spouse communicate in a respectful, affirming way? If you answered “no,” then it’s time to change how you communicate with your spouse. Many people have difficulty sharing their feelings and needs. Suppose couples “go through the motions” without honest communications. In that case, they turn away from each other, disconnect emotionally, and let negative thoughts and feelings override positive ones.

 

Baskerville: This is an excellent question for the therapist to consider: is this couple’s biggest problem a lack of “communication skills,” or is it something bigger? Some couples struggle with communication because they’ve fallen into routines, failing to share their feelings and needs. Others may have never learned the skills to solve problems or disagree in respectful, constructive ways. Poor communication can indeed lead to emotional disconnection, allowing negative thoughts and feelings to overshadow the positive.

But there’s always the possibility that there might be deeper issues—possibly character defects or family-destroying personality problems that have made respectful and affirming communication impossible.

By the time counseling is sought, the invested spouse—often the wife, though sometimes the husband—has likely tried countless ways to improve communication and fix the marriage. She may have shared her feelings and needs respectfully, read marriage books, followed advice, and pleaded with her husband to recognize how his selfish behavior is harming the relationship. She may have worked tirelessly to be more agreeable, loving, forgiving, and to speak his “love language.” Often, she’s the one arranging counseling appointments, desperately hoping to find a therapist her husband will see.

If none of this works, and the husband continues to “turn away”—being indifferent, sneaky, intimidating, selfish, or manipulative—it becomes a crisis. Only she knows what’s truly happening behind closed doors and when enough is enough.

What if “honest communication” isn’t safe? What if expressing her feelings leads to punishment? What if one wrong word in the therapist’s office results in being screamed at all the way home?

And what if “disconnecting” isn’t just emotional distance but a survival response? Demeaning words, affairs, threats to children or pets, sleep deprivation, or even marital rape—all are signs of domestic violence. Disconnecting may be self-preservation, not a communication issue.

Naive therapists often fail to recognize this and may inadvertently blame or further harm the victim by targeting the one “disconnecting.”

This is why the Gottman Institute (one of the organizations quoted in this article) advises therapists to be vigilant: half of the couples seeking therapy may have experienced marital violence, whether or not they disclose it. Recognizing this reality is essential to ethical, effective counseling.

Bisignano: It can be challenging to move from poor to healthy communication – especially if you’ve never learned how to talk to your spouse. A skilled relationship expert can help you and your spouse learn how to turn toward each other, empathize and understand the others’ feelings and needs.

Yes, it can be a challenge to go from poor to healthy communication. If poor communication skills are the biggest problem, then it is important to take a class in conflict-management and problem-solving skills if the couple has never learned. Techniques can be important. 

Good communication techniques are not a substitute for genuine motives, true empathy, or a deep understanding and care for the other person. They cannot transform a coercive individual into a kind one. In fact, effective communication techniques might make coercive behavior more difficult to recognize. They do nothing to address the fundamental lack of concern for their spouse’s well-being.

Let’s not suppose that learning communication techniques will fix someone with repeated marriage-endangering sin. That’s someone who loves their life exactly as it is. This isn’t a knowledge deficit; this is a heart deficit. They have no motivation to change.

With abuse, it’s not a communication issue, it’s a character issue. Some of the best communicators are abusers and cheaters. Often they are charming and smooth—and excellent at tricking therapists, pastors, and counselors.

 

Question 2: Do you try to resolve every conflict in your marriage?

Bisignano: If you answered “yes,” you have set yourself up to fail.

Dr. John Gottman is one of America’s top researchers on relationships. One of his fundamental discoveries is that nearly 70% of relationship problems are perpetual.

Baskerville: That’s a misquote. That’s not what Gottman’s website says. Gottman’s article said, “Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems.” That’s not the same. “Perpetual problems” are typical day-to-day problems like disagreements about child raising, housekeeping, and budgets that must be discussed and readjusted over and over during a marriage.

Bisignano: They keep coming up! In fact, fighting couples may be looking for a solution that does not exist. Gottman suggests that couples have a deep and intimate conversation about these “perpetual problems”:

Baskerville: Bisignano misunderstands this.  The problem is that in abusive marriages, these intimate conversations do not happen. Good discussions about these common problems don’t happen anymore. Perhaps one person blows up or walks out or gives the silent treatment. Maybe it is swept under the carpet each time, but it’s not handled maturely and lovingly. If the husband is a “my way or the highway” guy, or the wife has been taught that having a different opinion from a husband is sinful or disrespectful — or will result in punishment — these conversations never happen in a healthy way. 

Bisignano: If you and your spouse have the same argument over and over, you may find yourself asking, Is divorce the right answer? Maybe there is a better way to address your struggles. Instead of defaulting to divorce questions, I challenge you to make this statement the new goal of your discussions: I want us to learn to manage this respectfully. Such a simple declaration can make a profound difference. Couples can learn to talk about conflicts with compassion, acceptance and an understanding that it’s OK to disagree.

Baskerville: “Defaulting to divorce”? No, this couple has not defaulted to divorce.  The fact that the couple is still married and has chosen to pay $200 (or more) for an hour of therapy indicates that divorce was not their “default.” At least one person (often the wife, but sometimes the husband) in this couple is trying to avoid divorce. Likely the wife (or husband) has said something like “I want us to learn to manage this respectfully.” They have tried hard and are still trying, making attempts to reason with their spouse and “manage it respectfully.”

Abusive, deceitful, addicted or indifferent husbands (or vice versa) don’t have any respect for their wives. In fact, in order to continue their selfish ways, they have to convince themselves that their wives deserve such treatment. Often they concoct false allegations to lure others to the same conclusion.

So a self-centered husband (or sometimes it’s a self-centered wife) has a long pattern of refusing to repair the relationship so the abuse never happens again. They are not willing to sacrifice their desires. They have little regard for the love, respect, and dignity of the marriage.

They may tell others how much they do (“I work so hard for my family” or “I would die for my wife”), but they won’t live for their family. They don’t lift a finger to make the home kinder, safer, or more generous. The wife, kids, and even the pets walk on eggshells, worried about setting off the abusive husband.

An abuser does not value their spouse’s opinions. They don’t approach conflicts with “compassion, acceptance and an understanding that it’s OK to disagree.”

For them it’s “my way or the highway.” 

Down deep, abusers don’t want to work on themselves. They may claim they do—in order to please the counselor or pastor—but continue to blame their marriage-destroying sin on their spouse. 

So, they aren’t ready to be in couple’s counseling until they take responsibility for their own destructive actions and entitled attitudes. They need to be in individual counseling before they can acknowledge publicly and repeatedly the harm they caused. Sadly, even if they make promises, most abusers don’t invest the time, money, or energy to do the foundational change that is necessary.

A counselor cannot do couples therapy where there’s abuse. It’s unethical. The abuser/cheater/addict likely has contempt for their partner, not respect. They like taking advantage of them. They enjoy deceiving them. There is no compassion, acceptance, understanding, or feeling OK to disagree.

The well-meaning but naive therapist ends up being conned by the abuser and siding with the abuser against the beleaguered spouse.

Bisignano: Couples should also remember there is usually a significant reason for the disagreement. One spouse (or both) may be dealing with a deeply held position, a dream (ideal) or other background issues. Uncovering this issue may help a couple reach a healthy compromise.

Baskerville: Yes, examining our own, and each other’s, issues is important. It should be done in individual counseling, not couples counseling. It cannot happen if one person is not safe. An unsafe spouse will take that information (the dreams, fears, and other background issues) and will use it against the other spouse. Even if that unsafe spouse behaves with empathy in front of the therapist during the session, the vulnerabilities shared are likely to be used against the other person. 

The Gottman Institute says it’s irresponsible and perhaps even illegal for a therapist to do couples counseling where there is dominance, fear, or intimidation.

What if the abusive spouse’s “deeply held position” is “I’m right, you’re always wrong”?

How do you compromise? You cannot compromise with a “taker.”  Selfish people already have taken every ounce of power, money, and control they can. Yet naive therapists pressure the vulnerable wife to give in even more—debasing her further, stripping away her last bit of self-respect, and driving her to despair and depression…possibly suicide. 

Most mature Christians did not have unrealistic dreams. They didn’t expect champagne and roses. They expected marriage to involve give and take. They expected ups and downs in life. They were committed to life’s ups and downs. They are not merely “disappointed” or “bored” by their marriage.

Question 3: Do you believe your marriage is all that it can become … or are you just tired of trying?

Bisignano: Six years. That’s how long most couples struggle before finally making an appointment with a counselor to ask if divorce is the right answer to their situation? Many suffer for decades – drowning in poor communication patterns, unhealthy behaviors, and emotional or physical disconnect before seeking help or filing for divorce. They arrive at the counselor’s or attorney’s office exhausted and think they’ve tried everything but feel nothing has worked.

It’s time to take an honest look at your marriage. Do you and your spouse struggle in one (or more) of these areas:

• Communication.
• Infidelity – emotional or physical.
• Addiction.
• Disconnect – emotional or physical.
• Managing conflict.
• Thinking negatively about your spouse. – This is a symptom, not the problem.
• Growing in different directions.
• Resentment or bitterness. – This is a symptom, not the problem.
• Loneliness. – This is a symptom, not the problem.

If you answered “yes” to any of these issues, consider marriage therapy with a Christian counselor.

 

Baskerville: Where are the other marriage-endangering “struggles” on that list?

• Where is “Physical violence”?
• Where is “Emotional, mental, verbal abuse”?
• Where is “Being a control freak”?
• Where is “Neglect of duty” or “Failure to provide?”
• Where is “Stealing the rent or grocery money to fund a gambling, prostitution, or substance addiction”?

It is important to know the difference: Is it just a “communications skill” issue or is it a dangerous situation that requires each spouse to get individual therapy. Individual therapy is the ethical thing to do. As mentioned before, researchers have found that about half of divorces in the U.S. are for very serious things: a pattern of sexual immorality, domestic violence, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, severe indifference, or neglect.

 

Question 4: How have you contributed to the problem and the solution?

Bisignano: Many couples fall into the blame game: pointing fingers at their spouse instead of taking an honest self-inventory.

Baskerville: The abusers and cheaters start the blame game. They don’t “fall” into it. It’s something they do routinely. Let’s not excuse their behavior by suggesting they passively “fall” into intimidating rage or chronic lying or reckless behavior or serial infidelity or child porn. When Bisignano and Focus on the Family excuse abusers, and mutualize the blame (by implying that both individuals are equally at fault), they play into an abuser or cheater’s manipulation and desire to downplay their culpability.

Abusers want a therapist who helps them to transfer the responsibility for their marriage-endangering sin onto their spouse. They want a therapist who says it’s just a “communication problem.” They want a therapist who will blame the invested spouse for being angry, and tell her she needs to be nicer.

Abusive husbands love having an invested conscientious wife, someone with self-doubt who often takes a self-inventory and blames herself.

Abusers lack remorse. They may be up all night trying to block their wives from leaving, but they aren’t up at night repenting before the Lord. 

Bisignano: We all have blind spots. And we can only find them if we take time to reflect on the things we’ve done that contribute to our marriage’s unhappiness. In other words, put the blame game in a timeout and do some self-reflection:

Baskerville:  Yes, we all have blind spots, and we should evaluate our behavior. But too often Christian counselors don’t give abuse victims credit for years of trying hard, taking all the blame, apologizing when they aren’t at fault, downplaying the abuse, reading the marriage books, and trying to be perfect. 

It’s important for therapists to screen for abuse, sexual betrayal, addictions, or neglect of duty. When one of these things is present, it’s more than a “blind spot.” It’s a character issue. This is not a well-meaning person who simply doesn’t know they are hurting their spouse.

By turning a blind eye to possible abuse or addictions, as this article does, this suggestion mutualizes the problems suggesting that it’s all 50/50 or it takes “two to tango.”  This is destructive.

Abusers like getting their way—and threats, guilt trips, false accusations, and bribes are fast and easy ways of cowing their spouse into complying. They don’t have much regard for the safety and wellbeing of those around them. They have no motivation to change. 

Question 5: Are issues outside your marriage making you unhappy?

Bisignano: Mike and Sandy’s marriage changed for the better when medical tests showed Sandy had a thyroid condition. Her condition caused irritability, weight gain, frustration and fatigue. Once she started taking thyroid medication, her health improved, and so did her marriage. If you of your spouse are wondering whether divorce is the right answer, it may help to first seek medical or psychological assistance. Consider medical aid for:

• Mental health issues. – we know that trauma victims develop mental and physical health issues, and often these reduce or go away after a life-saving divorce.  A good book is The Body Keeps the Score written by one of the top experts in this field, psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. He was brought up in a devout  Christian home.
• Physical health issues.
• Stresses of life.
• Overwork.
• Sleep deprivation. – Sleep deprivation due to being awakened by your spouse for no reason is a form of psychological abuse. It’s considered torture by the Geneva Convention. It can lead to physical and psychological problems.

 

Baskerville: It’s good to hear that Sandy’s thyroid condition was diagnosed and treated. Ruling out medical reasons for irritability and fatigue are important. But since the author has never told us what brought in this desperate couple, we really don’t know. Was SANDY’s thyroid entirely the cause of their marital difficulties? Maybe. This seems like a cop-out for this article. It neatly ties up their challenges in a way that overlooks the broader complexities of marriage and conflict resolution.

This would have been a great place to discuss external stressors (such as illness, natural disaster, and loss of a job due to a company closure) versus internal stressors (selfishness, infidelity, swindling, dominance, addictions). 

Question 6: Do you know what makes a healthy marriage?

Bisignano: For the last 40 years, Gottman has conducted scientific studies of couples to answer the question, “Do healthy marriages share similar characteristics?” We’ve already discussed one similarity: Healthy marriages learn to manage conflict successfully. But according to Gottman, a second – and equally important characteristic – is that friendship and trust are at the heart of healthy marriages…

Baskerville: “Friendship and trust” have eroded in a marriage where one spouse is abusive, addicted, or sexually immoral. You can’t just demand that the betrayed spouse pretend there is friendship and trust when they walk on eggshells and live in anxiety of what their spouse will do next. There is no basis for friendship or trust. And no healthy person wants to be close to someone who is not safe. People need to set boundaries and get away from destructive people.

Bisignano: A healthy marriage, then, is one in which the husband and wife are allies—two individuals working toward a common goal.

Baskerville: Bisignano misses a critical point—two people under the same roof, where one is abusive, cheating, or destroying the family stability by their addictive behavior, are not allies. One of is a traitor. One of them has chosen to put drugs or an affair or porn or sexual immorality above the marriage. 

Abusive, addicted, or unfaithful husbands often have one common goal: controlling their wives and silencing their attempts to protest or protect themselves. If a charming abuser can manipulate a naive therapist who overlooks power-and-control dynamics, it’s just another victory for him. A truly healthy marriage cannot exist in such a toxic dynamic. 

Bisignano: If you and your spouse are constantly asking if divorce is the right answer, then it becomes essential to stop viewing each other as the enemy and start seeing each other as allies.

Baskerville: If one spouse is “constantly asking if divorce is the right answer,” chances are YES, the problems might be that serious. Few mature people divorce impulsively. One spouse might be a perpetrator, an enemy, who is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat, causing it to sink. The conservative pro-family researchers at the Institute for Family Studies found that 1 in 4 highly religious homes in the U.S. had some form of interpersonal violence. In these cases, the spouses are not allies. 

And contrary to Angela Bisignano’s comment, husbands who commit adultery, get drunk or high, or make their family fear them, often do not want a divorce. They like having their cake and eating it too. Their repeated marriage-destroying sin works fine for them. They don’t want to change. They just want a spouse who will look the other way and blindly keep investing in the relationship.  

It’s very likely the husband treats everyone else at work, the neighborhood, and at church, quite well. But behind closed doors, it’s a different story.

If your husband decides to treat you as an enemy, and looks for excuses to be mean or neglectful to you, it’s game over. If he quotes “God hates divorce” and other Bible verses to force you to stay, it’s game over. He doesn’t want to act like a married person, but he still wants the benefits of marriage.

Bisignano: Often, the realization that you are both working toward a common goal – a relationship, a family – helps renew the friendship that is desperately needed to weather life’s storms.

Baskerville: Yes, it should work that way. But in surveys of U.S. divorcees, we discover that about one-half of respondents indicate that they divorced for very serious reasons. No doubt, the invested spouse begged their wayward partner to look at the big picture of relationship and family. So why didn’t they? Because one spouse doesn’t care. They follow their own selfish desires. 

 

Question 7: Do you know that the divorce rate isn’t as high as you’ve been told?

Bisignano: Social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn challenges the conventional wisdom that 50% of American marriages will end in divorce. Through a rigorous, eight-year study, Feldhahn found “72% of those who have ever been married are still married to their first spouse.” Based on her research, Feldhahn believes the U.S. divorce rate may be as low as 20 to 25%!

Baskerville: Feldhahn is incorrect: The divorce rate is not 20-25%.  Feldhahn’s views are not taken seriously by anyone with credentials, not even the conservative pro-marriage pro-family organization, the Institute for Family Studies. They mention her by name and say she’s not a social scientist and they don’t agree with her figures. Their article suggests the divorce rate is about 42%, not 20-25%.

Bisignano: Much like Feldhahn, Philip Cohen, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland, analyzed U.S. divorce trends and discovered divorce rates dropped 21% between 2008 and 2017.

Baskerville: Dr. Philip Cohen does not agree with Feldhahn’s claim about the divorce rate. Cohen is one of the top family demographers in the U.S.  He watches domestic violence trends, and his findings show that marriages can be very dangerous.  He has not found that the divorce rate is 20-25%  He says it’s 47%. He’s even talked about it on social media. (See image below.)

 

Bisignano continues to blunder along:

Bisignano: The decline may be the result of adults choosing to live together rather than marry; however, Cohen suggests that the evidence points toward a continued decline in divorce and a progression toward more stable marriages. So if you’re wondering if divorce is the right answer, social science suggests that it’s possible to save your marriage.

Baskerville: No! Apparently, the author didn’t read his study! She’s just putting words in Cohen’s mouth!

Those who are familiar with Dr. Philip N. Cohen’s work know that his forecast of a coming divorce decline has nothing to do with marriages in America becoming stable by merely staying and trying harder. 

The THREE factors Cohen found:

1. “Marriage is becoming more selective, and more stable” (fewer people are marrying and they are being more picky about whom they choose).
2. “Newly married women have become more likely to be in their first marriages, more likely to have BA degrees or higher education” (They are more educated when their marry).
3. Women are now “less likely to be under age 25 at their first marriage.”  (Women are marrying older.)

 

In fact, if Bisignano was up to date on pro-family research, she’d know that the marriages of low-income and low-education people are LESS STABLE. Their divorce rate for them has gone up, while the divorce rate for people with more education has dropped. Even conservative pro-marriage research organizations, such as the Institute for Family Studies and the National Marriage Project, discuss this. It’s a major problem in the U.S. for those of us who value marriage

Question 8: Do you and your spouse regularly attend church together?

Bisignano: In their publication “Religious Influences on the Risk of Marital Dissolution,” researchers from the University of Texas found church attendance lowers the risk of divorce. Margaret Vaaler, Christopher Ellison and Daniel Powers examined characteristics of nearly 3,000 first-time married couples. Their findings showed the risk of divorce is substantially lower for couples who regularly attend church together.

Baskerville: Bisignano is misrepresenting the study. If you read the study, you discover that researchers aren’t sure the divorce rate has anything to do with church attendance at all. Religious attendance and divorce were only “modestly” correlated. This study does not prove Bisignano’s point. (See quotes from the study, below.)

A quote from the abstract of the study: 

“Results indicated that although each partner’s religious attendance bore a modest relationship to marital dissolution, the risk of divorce was lower if husbands had conservative theological beliefs and when both partners belonged to mainline Protestant denominations. Conversely, the risk of divorce was elevated if husbands attended services more frequently than their wives and if wives were more theologically conservative than their husbands.” (p. 917)

Now, here’s the kicker. When you read the whole study, you find that religious attendance may have nothing to do with it. The researchers found that there were many other explanations for the low divorce rate, including the stigma against divorce in churches, and the social awkwardness of going through a divorce in a church setting. (Who wants to sit alone in church and be the target of gossip?)

“Such a result may reflect the long-term benefits of ideological and lifestyle similarity among partners or the consistency and homogeneity of their social networks or their access to congregational resources that could bolster marital bonds, for example, specific support programs or pastoral counseling. It is conceivable that these couples could also incur higher social costs (e.g., stigma, social awkwardness) that could deter or delay marital dissolution. Clearly further investigation is warranted on this score.” (p. 930)

In other words, church attendance is a mixed bag.

Another shocking revelation in this study: In some cases, individuals who attend church are more likely to divorce. And couples who attended Mainline Protestant churches divorced less than couples who attended Evangelical or Catholic churches. p. 925.

 

Bisignano: The study also finds that “persons who hold conservative theological beliefs about the Bible may be less likely to separate or divorce over time.” The survey results are consistent with the adage, “The family who prays together stays together.”

Baskerville: Bisignano tampered with this quote. She left words out. She is presenting this statement in a way that falsely suggests that the researchers support her views. She omits four key words from the quote, significantly altering its original meaning.

The actual quote from Dr. Vaalers on page 917 is this:  (The words that Bisignano removed are shown in brackets below.)

[“Therefore, one expects that] persons who hold conservative theological beliefs about the Bible may be less likely to separate or divorce over time.”

But Vaaler, Ellison, and Powers found this expectation failed to hold up. It was not the conservative Evangelical couples who divorced less; it was the Mainline Christian couples who did.

If Angela had read that whole paragraph on p. 930—not just that sentence “families that pray together stay together”—she would have learned that the researchers observed that the reduced divorce rate is not necessarily due to religious beliefs.

To summarize: Vaalers, Ellison, and Powers found that any decrease in divorce rate in church attending couples may just be the effect of two people having similar values and having the same friends and getting emotional support from the same source, not necessarily due to church attendance. It may not be due to religion at all, but because of similar lifestyles. The researchers also suggested that the stigma of divorce in churches may deter people from divorcing. In other words, the fears of being judged, gossiped about, and treated like second-class Christians keep people in destructive marriages. This peer pressure may dissuade abused wives (or husbands) from getting the divorce they need to save their lives and sanity. 

Question 9: Do you know what the Scriptures say about marriage and divorce?

Bisignano: The Bible is clear that God designed marriage to be a lifelong commitment between one man and one woman. A spiritual union takes place in a marriage. The Apostle Paul describes it as a “profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:31-32). Timothy Keller explains it as an example of God’s relationship with His people and Christ’s love for the church.

Baskerville: Dr. Bisignano is misquoting what the apostle Paul said. Paul did not say human marriage was a profound mystery. Rather he said, the relationship between Christ and the church is a profound mystery. The exact quote of verse 32 (NASB) reads: “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”

Bisignano: Are there grounds for leaving a marriage, for divorce? In the Bible, it’s clear God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).

Baskerville: God’s intent and plan is for marriages to be loving, undefiled and lifelong. But God allowed the betrayed spouses to escape from their shamelessly adulterous and abandoning spouses so that they and their children could finally find peace and safety. Notice that the Bible commands divorce three times, and only prohibits it once. Divorce is not included in any lists of sins in the Bible. See www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible

Now let’s look at the so-called “God hates divorce” verse from Malachi 2:16. The book of Malachi was written more than 2,400 years ago, nearly 500 years before Christ.

For the first 2,100 years, it was interpreted as an anti-treachery verse, not an anti-divorce verse. That’s how the great Bible translators Jerome and John Wycliffe, and Reformers Martin Luther and John Calvin viewed it. But then King James’s translators changed it into an anti-divorce verse for 385 years starting in 1611.

That ended in 1996 after the Dead Sea scroll fragment of Malachi 2:16 (the oldest known copy of Malachi 2:16) was published, and many scholars interpreted it again as an anti-treachery verse.

The New International Version (NIV 2011), English Standard Version (ESV) and Christian Standard Bible (CSB) have this anti-treachery interpretation, not the “God hates divorce” wording.

(Note: The old 1984 version of the NIV interpreted it as “I [God] hate divorce,” but the translators changed it in their 2011 update.)

Bisignano: So, what is God’s plan for marriage? In Matthew 19:1-9, Jesus talks to religious leaders about marriage and divorce.

Baskerville: Jesus explicitly said adultery was grounds for divorce when the religious leaders were testing him. And he never retracted the Law of Moses (Exodus 21:10-11) saying that abuse and neglect are valid grounds of divorce. In fact, if a husband refused to care for his wife, he was supposed to let her go and give her a certificate of divorce. Jesus never told his followers to stop giving wives “certificates of divorce” that allowed them to remarry. There’s an excellent 7-minute video that explains this story of Jesus and the Pharisees who were trying to trap him.

Bisignano: 1 Corinthians 7:15 gives one additional reason for divorce. The apostle Paul cites willful desertion or abandonment. In such a case, the wronged spouse “is not enslaved.” However, Paul’s exception applies only to an unbeliever leaving or abandoning a believing spouse, not to a believer’s actions.

Baskerville: Yes, abandonment is a valid biblical reason for divorce. Abandonment and neglect have always been valid reasons for divorce in the Bible. 2 Timothy 5:8 tells us that a believer who doesn’t care for his family is worse than an unbeliever. So a “believer” who abandons or neglects their family can be treated as an unbeliever in this case. The person who refuses to care for their family is an unbeliever (based on their actions); their self-identified beliefs don’t matter.  

Bisignano: Choosing to divorce should never be easy or considered without input from wise counsel and a spiritual community. If an unfaithful spouse shows no prospect of repentance or refuses offers of help and restoration, divorce is permissible. However, God never intended divorce to be the answer.

Baskerville: Several problems here: (1) Notice how Dr. Bisignano says that divorce for adultery is only permissible if the unfaithful spouse doesn’t repent or restore the relationship? That’s not what the Bible says. She’s adding words to Scripture, making it harder for betrayed partners to get out of their marriages. This twisting of Scripture also is reflected in Focus on the Family’s official policy, which says virtually the same thing.

(2) Bisignano is incorrect: God did intend divorce to be the answer! Jesus said it was given for the hardness of people’s hearts. Divorce is precisely God’s answer to abusive one-sided covenants. It is the answer he, Himself, chose in His covenant with faithless Israel, as he says in Jeremiah 3:8.  God absolutely intended divorce to be the answer to these situations.

“Clearly divorce is God’s intended answer to treacherous violation of covenant vows. Because divorce is the course of action that God, Himself, followed in response to Israel’s treacherous violation of covenant vows. Since God never acts outside His own perfect will, we can rest assured that divorce is God’s perfect will for marriages characterized by abusive violation of covenant vows.” — Joseph Pote

God gave divorce and even commanded it in three cases in the Bible. Jesus said divorce was given exactly for this reason, due to the hardness of a spouse’s heart. They no longer care how they treat you.

Abuse and addictions are valid biblical grounds for divorce as these Bible passages show. And we are not to associate with abusers or addicts, not even eat with them. For example, the Apostle Paul wrote:

“But actually, I wrote you not to associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister and is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or verbally abusive, a drunkard or a swindler. Do not even eat with such a person.” – 1 Corinthians 5:11 CSB

 

Question 10: Are you safe in your marriage?

Bisignano: The Bible releases a spouse from the marriage bond under limited circumstances: sexual immorality and abandonment.

Baskerville: No, that is incorrect. The Bible also (Ex 21:10-11) commands divorce for physical and emotional neglect. See my video about this. 

Bisignano: Physical abuse is unacceptable. If you – or your children – suffer physical abuse, get to safety.

Baskerville: It is good that Dr. Bisignano and Focus on the Family finally said that.

But it’s not just physical abuse that destroys lives. Emotionally manipulated, coerced, and tormented spouses often wish their spouse would just hit them so there was proof to the world of what is going on behind closed doors. … horrifying as that is. Sometimes they wish for death because they read articles like this one and feel they are trapped forever. They are driven into despair, depression, and suicidal ideation.  Divorce saves lives in these instances.

Divorce has been shown to save lives: The Harvard Quarterly Journal of Economics 2006 provides the evidence

When “no fault” divorce laws started passing one state at a time, starting with Governor Ronald Reagan in California in 1969, researchers wanted to see the effect. In states that passed unilateral no-fault divorce, they observed the suicide rate for wives drop 8-16%. The domestic violence rate by and against both men and women dropped 30%. The homicide rate of women murdered by an intimate dropped 10%. (Source: Stevenson and Wolfers, “Bargaining in the Shadow of the Law: Divorce Laws and Family Distress,” The Quarterly Journal of Economics (Feb. 2006): 267, 286.)

Jesus healed on the Sabbath and made the religious leaders angry. He was saving lives.

Bisignano: God intended marriage to be a blessing. His design never included abuse, violence or physical pain. Even emotional abuse – while it does not leave external marks – can bruise a person’s heart, mind and soul. Victims often feel helpless, hopeless, depressed or suicidal.

Baskerville: This is the first time in the article that Angela Bisignano has shown any empathy. 

Depression and suicide are serious problems. When state legislatures made divorce easier to get back in the 1970s and 1980s, it reduced the suicide rate 8-16% for wives. (Source: above)

Divorce can be a God’s rescue plan. And many Christian divorcees who get life-saving divorces give glory to God for his protection. As I mentioned before, about 7 in 10 Christians said they were “somewhat happy” or “very happy.” And Dr. Linda Waite, who is mentioned in this article, said that 4 in 5 people who divorced and remarried in her study were happier. 

Bisignano: If you’re in an abusive relationship, get help right away. Proverbs 22:3 tells us that “the prudent sees danger and hides himself.” In such a case, the purpose of separation is for safety. The intent should be that the wayward spouse seeks help and repents so that the relationship is healed and the marriage made pleasing to God. But if the abusive spouse is unrepentant and the other spouse remains in danger, reconciliation may never be possible.

Baskerville:  Dr. Angela Bisignano states that “reconciliation may never be possible.” Good!

Notice how she stops short of saying divorce may be the best answer for physical violence. She wants you to “hide yourself.” but acknowledges that may not be enough. Clearly divorce is the logical conclusion—and often the best legal protection from abuse. By withholding a divorce from an abuse victim, Bisignano is siding with the abuser. 

So, why is it so hard for her to say so? Maybe because she believes her previous statement, that “God never intended divorce to be the answer”… which is a patently false statement. God himself divorced Israel for repeatedly breaking her covenant vows. (Jeremiah 3:8). 

And, let’s talk about repentance. Some people repent and change. But more often, serial abusers claim to be repentant and put on a tearful show followed by elevated levels of kindness and generosity, and then just abuse again. They perform this show in front of others but never change their attitude of entitlement. Instead, they just get better at hiding it. 

Question 11: Do you understand the impact divorce will have on your children and grandchildren?

Bisignano: Anyone who has experienced a divorce knows that its effects continue for decades. Divorce hits like a tornado and leaves a trail of devastation and heartache. Among the victims are innocent children who must deal with the destruction for years to come.

Baskerville: Yes, divorce is very painful for most children. But many studies have found that roughly 8 in 10 children of divorce turn out fine in adulthood. Does divorce damage children? Yes, but abuse and living around toxic people does even more damage. Below are quotes from major researchers.

But since Bisignano mentions “anyone who has experienced a divorce,” I feel free to tell my story.

Twenty-eight years ago, I made the hardest decision of my life—a divorce that saved me and my children. I spent the next 20 years as a single mom, facing challenges but growing stronger. Today, I have a loving husband and incredible adult kids. We’re not “broken” or “destroyed” or “devastated”—we’re whole, close, and happy. I’m grateful for the journey.

In 1998, another single mom at my church and I started a single mothers group at our conservative Evangelical church with the encouragement of church leadership. It was an amazing group. Women walked in devastated and walked out in the strength of the Lord.

None of them had a “frivolous, Hollywood-style” divorce. They had all experienced repeated horrific abuse and betrayal and/or addicted husbands. These women had divorced for serious reasons and were afraid there was no place for them in the church. Now they could hold their heads high. Jesus sets the captives free.

I was once asked to tell my testimony in church. This was a megachurch. They were hoping I would sound pathetic and told me to describe my divorce as negative. Instead, I explained how the Lord took me from struggling to financially stable; from scared and lonely to befriended by other divorced Christian women who walked the path and shared their wisdom and encouragement.

Normally my church was very dignified. But after I told my story of God’s strength in times of difficulty, his faithfulness in the storms, and his care and provision for the amazing single mothers, the place erupted in applause. God was glorified. This is why I do what I do 28 years later.

Bisignano is giving a half-truth. There is not one top family researcher who will claim that divorce is universally detrimental to children. See below for dozens of quotes from the top researchers. Does divorce damage children? Yes, but abuse and living around toxic people does even more damage. And at the bottom of this article is a letter from a mother of two, who says her children’s health and behavior dramatically improved after her divorce. 

Bisignano: Jane Anderson is a retired clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco. Anderson spent nearly 30 years studying the connection between family structure and children’s health. Her findings show that “with the exception of parents faced with unresolvable marital violence, children fare better when parents work at maintaining the marriage.”

Baskerville: On the second page of her policy paper, Jane Anderson admits,

“Children who are removed from the most dysfunctional environments are more likely to do better after the divorce” (p. 379).

Moreover, it’s worth noting that Anderson’s work doesn’t seem to be widely recognized or endorsed by major pro-marriage research organizations. Groups like the Institute for Family Studies, the National Marriage Project, and prominent conservative organizations such as Focus on the Family, the Family Research Council, and the Heritage Foundation do not quotes her or her findings. The only reference I could locate was from an organization classified as a hate group, which raises serious concerns about her credibility as a reliable source. 

Bisignano: The late psychologist Mavis Hetherington also studied the effect of divorce on children. While divorce is painful for adults, it affects children more, especially in the post-divorce years. Children may be at risk of displaying emotional, psychological and behavioral problems.

Baskerville: I have read that Hetherington study, and I don’t see any claim that divorce affects kids more. In fact, Dr. Hetherington found that nearly 8 in 10 children of divorce turned out fine.  Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington found that about 2-in-10 kids from divorced homes (and 1-in-10 kids from two-parent married homes) had serious long-term emotional, psychological, or social problems. 

No one can claim that two-parent married homes guarantee one’s children will be free from serious problems. The late Dr. Mavis Hetherington studied 1,400 families and followed them longitudinally. Her study covered 30 years. Here’s what Hetherington said: (Emphasis mine.)

“In the short run, divorce is brutally painful to a child. But its negative long-term effects have been exaggerated…” “Twenty-five percent of youths from divorced families in comparison to 10 percent from non-divorced families did have serious social, emotional, or psychological problems. But most of the young men and women from [the study] looked a lot like their contemporaries from non-divorced homes. Although they looked back on their parents’ breakup as a painful experience, most were successfully going about the chief tasks of young adulthood: establishing careers, creating intimate relationships, building meaningful lives for themselves.” -E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, For Better or For Worse (New York: WW Norton & Company, 2002), p. 7

 

Bisignano: Children of divorce may also suffer attachment issues. Resiliency and protective factors can influence outcomes following the divorce. Still, we cannot predict which children will fare better than others. Because a child’s future is at stake, spouses must ask – and answer – the question: Are you willing to take the chance with your child? No matter how parents attempt to “spin” the issue, divorce is devastating for many children and leaves life-long emotional, psychological and spiritual scars.

Baskerville: Angela Bisignano is partially correct: We don’t know which children will fare better than others. Thanks to the past three decades of family research we have ample evidence that children on average were better off after divorce if the home was highly toxic. Of course, you know your children best, and some may handle it better than others. 

Here’s a list of major family researchers quoted by Focus on the Family: Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Dr. Paul Amato, Dr. Alan Booth, Dr. Andrew Cherlin, Dr. Laura Spencer Loomis, Dr. Sara McLanahan, and Dr. Mavis Hetherington. These researchers don’t suggest all divorce is tragic for kids, at least not when the home has high conflict. Here are their conclusions.

“Our results show that if conflict between parents is relatively high, offspring are better off in early adulthood if their parents divorced than if they remained married.” – Paul Amato, Laura Spencer Loomis, Alan Booth, “Parental Divorce, Marital Conflict, and Offspring Well-being during Early Adulthood, 1995, p. 895

“This result is consistent with the notion, advanced by a number of observers, that children are better off in divorced single-parent families than in two-parent families marked by high levels of discord…”– Paul Amato, Laura Spencer Loomis, Alan Booth, “Parental Divorce, Marital Conflict, and Offspring Well-being during Early Adulthood, 1995, p. 911

Sara McLanahan  is known for her book in 1997 about the poor outcomes of kids brought up by single parents. But 15 years later she concluded this:

“We have long known that while the average effect of divorce is negative, for some families it may actually improve family functioning and child well-being. Work by Amato (1993), for example, shows that in families with high levels of conflict, divorce improves child outcomes. More recently, Jaffee et al. (2003) have found that children are better off not seeing their fathers in cases where these men are violent or antisocial.” – Sara McLanahan and Elizabeth Thomson, Reflections on “Family Structure and Child Well-Being: Economic Resources vs. Parental Socialization,” Social Forces 91(1) 45-53, September 2012

Dr. Andrew Cherlin is often quoted in Focus on the Family articles. But he says that many kids develop behavior problems from the toxic home, long before the divorce. Their issues can’t be blamed 100% on the divorce itself.

“…part of the seeming effect of parental divorce on adults is a result of factors that were present before the parents’ marriages dissolved.”  (p. 2)

“It is likely that, in many cases, elevated behavior problems at [age] 7 were a reaction to other sources of stress in the family such as continual marital conflict, substance abuse, or violence…” (p. 28) -Andrew Cherlin, Johns Hopkins Cherlin, Chase-Lansdale, McRae, Effects of Divorce on Mental Health Through the Life Course, 1997, p. 2, 28

The investigators report that offspring who experienced high marital conflict in 1980 were doing better in 1992 if their parents had divorced than if they had stayed together; on the other hand, offspring from low-conflict families were doing worse if their parents had divorced. This finding confirms the oft-stated but rarely substantiated belief that if family conflict is severe, children may benefit from a divorce. -Dr. Andrew Cherlin, Johns Hopkins from his university textbook: Cherlin, Andrew, Private & Public Families: An Introduction, ninth edition, New York: McGraw-Hill, 2021, p. 336

 

Bisignano: In addition to the findings by Anderson and Hetherington, researcher Judith Wallerstein also studied the long-term effects of divorce. Wallerstein studied families over 25 years and determined that divorce may leave lasting effects from which children may never fully recover.

Baskerville:  Wallerstein did not believe that divorce was universally destructive to children. Focus on the Family misquotes Dr. Judith Wallerstein in nearly every article they write. Dr. Judith Wallerstein found that 7 in 10 kids of divorce turned out pretty well, without any long-term serious emotional, psychological, or social problems.

Wallerstein found that 7 in 10 children of divorce in her study turned out “average,” “very well, or outstanding.” Far from concluding that children are destroyed by divorce, Wallerstein found that most were doing well in life.

“At the twenty-five-year follow-up we found that 30 percent of the participants in our study were doing poorly, with functioning significantly impaired and below average. Thirty-four percent were in the average range, and 36 percent were doing very well to outstanding in all areas of their life tasks.” -Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 333

“I am not against divorce. How could I be? I’ve seen more examples of wretched, demeaning, and abusive marriage than most of my colleagues. I’m keenly aware of the suffering… I’m also aware that for many parents the decision to divorce is the most difficult decision in their lives; they cry many a night before taking such a drastic step. -Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix

“Children raised in extremely unhappy or violent intact homes face misery in childhood and tragic challenges in adulthood.” –Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 300.

“And I am, of course, aware of the many voices on the radio, on television, and in certain… religious circles that say divorce is sinful… But I don’t know of any research, mine included, that says divorce is universally detrimental to children.” –Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix

“Many judges who deal with such families do not understand that merely witnessing violence is harmful to children; the images are forever etched into their brains. Even a single episode of violence is long remembered in detail. In fact there is accumulating scientific evidence that witnessing violence or being abused physically or verbally literally alters brain development resulting in a hyperactive emotional system.” -Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 90

On the first page of Judith Wallerstein’s book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, she writes,

“On the positive side, many young adults who weather their parents’ divorce are extremely successful in their own careers, having learned how to be independent, resourceful, and flexible…. they are decent, caring adults who manage to build good marriages in spite of their fears.” p. xiii

In fact, by 1989, Wallerstein was already saying that divorce was a rational solution to a bad marriage. And notice that she doesn’t limit it to physical abuse. 

Although our overall findings are troubling and serious, we should not point the finger of blame at divorce per se. Indeed divorce is often the only rational solution to a bad marriage. When people ask if they should stay for the sake of the children, I have to say, “Of course not.” All our evidence shows that children turn out less well-adjusted when exposed to open conflict, where parents terrorize or strike one another, than do children from divorced families.” -Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, p. 321-322 (Originally published 1989. Referenced Kindle edition, 2018)

Wallerstein didn’t want people to stay in a cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely marriage “just for the kids”:

But for many other people, divorce is the best solution, and staying married “for the sake of the children” (as it is so often stated) is not the wiser path. When a marriage is cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely, divorce opens new opportunities to build a better life. The details of such unhappy marriages are often shocking. I met one couple who had not talked to each other in three years; they just passed notes back and forth. One man went to bed fully clothed every night for years, sending a not so subtle message to his wife beside him in the bed. Others brought lovers into the home when the spouse was away. In some marriages, in-laws invaded the home at all hours, leading one man to say, “She was never mine!” -Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, p. xxxiv (Originally published 1989. Referenced Kindle edition, 2018)

In 1989, Wallerstein mentioned the lack of comparison studies between unhappy families and divorced families. But in the 1990s, such studies became available and gave evidence of the damage done to kids who are brought up in these distressed homes. She felt divorce was better for kids in these cases.

“And while we lack systematic studies comparing unhappily married families and divorced families, I do know that it is not useful to provide children with a model of adult behavior that avoids problem solving and that stresses martyrdom, violence, or apathy. A divorce undertaken thoughtfully and realistically can teach children how to confront serious life problems with compassion, wisdom, and appropriate action.” -Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, p. 322 (Originally published 1989. Referenced Kindle edition, 2018)

In a PBS interview in 2000, Judith Wallerstein admitted to being shocked by the percentage of horrible U.S. marriages. But by then we already knew that about half of U.S. divorces were for very serious reasons.

In 2003, Judith Wallerstein authored another book on kids and divorce. When asked when is the “best” time to divorce, she wrote (emphasis mine):

“The trouble is, there’s no simple answer… If there’s chronic violence at home, the answer is ‘the sooner the better,’ unrelated to the age of your child. By violence I mean physical attack-hitting, kicking, throwing objects-or chronic threats of physical violence. Exposure to violence has serious consequences for a child’s development that may last well into adulthood. They fear for your safety. They fear for themselves and their siblings. If there’s repeated high conflict in your marriage, accompanied by yelling, screaming, and pounding the table, then I’d also say the sooner the better… In some high-conflict homes, serious differences between the partners are a recurrent theme in everyday life.”-Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? (New York: Hachette Books, 2010), pp. 127-128.

Dr. Angela Bisignano is using manipulation, fear, guilt, and obligation here. The reality is, for decades, researchers have found that on average it was better for the children when their parents divorced rather than staying married if the home was toxic.

Is Angela Bisignano’s article safe? No. 

Will Dr. Angela Bisignano pay for your kids’ therapy if you stay in a toxic marriage due to her advice?  Will she ever take responsibility for writing this misleading article?

No doubt many abused spouses have read Bisignano’s article and have been driven into despair and depression and possibly a few even to suicide. (In fact, here is the an interview with a woman who believed articles like this and stayed with a child abuser.)

That’s what happens when you misquote researchers and close the most effective avenue of escape: divorce. People believe they are trapped in bondage for the rest of their lives.

 

Question 12: Are you ready for the long-term financial challenges caused by divorce?

Bisignano: Linda Waite, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago, has studied the financial consequences of divorce. In her book, The Case for Marriage, Waite shows that couples can work together to build wealth, but after a divorce, there is no mutual support. For example, two households cost more to run. Even if finances are distributed evenly, the standard of living almost always drops.

Baskerville: Waite’s book, The Case for Marriage, came out in 2000, and it suggested that women would struggle financially after divorce. But for abuse victims, they would rather be a bit poorer and have the relief of being safe.

As education levels have risen, and women’s “social capital” has increased, women don’t fare as poorly as they used to.  See McKeever and Wolfinger, SHIFTING FORTUNES IN A CHANGING ECONOMY: Trends in the Economic Well-Being of Divorced Women. 2005. They say that women are doing better after divorce. Here’s the abstract from their study:

 

Question 13: Have you tried marriage therapy?

Bisignano: If you and your spouse are struggling, seek help. Connect with a trusted group of mature Christians or a pastor who can provide wise counsel. You can also seek advice from a marriage therapist. When looking for a marriage counselor, consider the following qualifications: If you want to talk to a therapist, look for someone who is licensed and has advanced training in the areas of marriage and relationships. Consider these points when searching for a qualified marriage therapist:

• Is the therapist licensed?
• Does the therapist have advanced training in marriage and relationships?
• What is the therapist’s stance on marriage?
• Does the therapist believe in God’s design for marriage?

Interview at least two therapists who specialize in marriage and, if possible, consider attending a marriage intensive, retreat or seminar.

Baskerville: These are good questions to ask. I would also include: “Does this therapist or pastor or Bible study leader believe that divorce is ever the right and godly path to take?”

Marriage intensives and retreats are ineffective and maybe even unsafe where there are serious problems. This Focus on the Family article is evidence that going to couples counseling — and getting your information from Focus on the Family’s website — may be unsafe if you are in a desperate marriage, especially if the therapist holds Bisignano’s views. I’ve done a straw poll in my private Life-Saving Divorce Facebook group and found that marriage intensives might make your marriage worse, not better. See my video on the survey results. https://youtu.be/Qhzd3BtmgQ4?si=kmFF7_6NqMgDWBFM

Results of my straw poll of 330 Christians who attended a marriage intensive or overnight marriage retreat. 

• 7 in 10 survey respondents indicated they are now separated or divorced. Another 1 in 10 plan to separate or divorce.
• 24 of the 330 survey participants indicated that they were “married and happy.” And only 4 of those said their marriage intensive was “life-changing” for them. So fewer than 2 in 100 attendees said the marriage intensive made all the difference. 
• Half of the respondents said they attended a marriage intensive that used manipulation tactics. The other half did not mention any type of manipulation.
• Roughly 7 in 10 of the people who said they felt “hopeful” on the last day of the program indicated they are divorced or separated now. Even though this survey was too small to definitively measure the effectiveness of each of the top major marriage intensives, we get a hint that many of the success claims may not be true.
• Further studies using representative samples and more respondents need to be conducted.
• About 9 in 10 respondents indicated they would NOT likely recommend the marriage intensive to others, even if they liked some of the training in basic communication skills and problem-solving techniques.
• Those attending the most expensive marriage intensives (such as Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored) had higher divorce and/or separation rates than those who paid far less. Some intensives charge $3,000-$12,000 for top experts and licensed counselors, but they did not fix the marriage as hoped.
• Many people mentioned that the topic of abuse was never mentioned or described. And in some intensives, abuse perpetrated in the marriage was not allowed to be discussed. People mentioned feeling unseen, unheard, and their pain and injuries were ignored. The dangers of “vow renewal ceremonies.”
• If a spouse pretended to be respectful for a short time and then went back to their usual negative or indifferent attitudes, there was a very high correlation with divorce or separation.
• Only 4 of the “married and happy” survey respondents gave the credit to the marriage intensive for a major positive change in their marriage.

More research needs to be done with a scientifically representative sample.

Question 14: Are you prepared for the mental and physical stress of a divorce?

Bisignano: Many marriages fall apart for one heartbreaking reason: Spouses forget the value of the relationship. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 is a reminder that relationships are worth the struggle. “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

The late UCLA professor Dr. Robert H. Coombs reviewed more than 130 studies of married couples. He concluded that “it is in each person’s own best interest to establish and maintain a durable relationship with an emotionally supportive spouse. The lack of this resource is a mental health deficit.”

Baskerville: Note that Coombs is not saying all marriages are valuable. He’s saying that those with emotionally supportive spouses are. On the first page of his study, Dr. Robert H. Coombs says that marriage is a benefit when “a marital partner who provides companionship and psychic aid buffers individuals against physical and emotional pathology.” p. 97.

So Coombs is not talking about all marriages being beneficial, he’s talking about supportive marriages that have companionship being beneficial.

Toxic marriages don’t have that.

(Humorous aside: Jesus and the apostle Paul are going to be so bummed that they were single and must have had a “mental health deficit.”)

Bisignano: Additional research cited by Harvard Health Publishing suggests married people are:

• Less likely to have a heart attack or stroke.
• Less likely to suffer from depression.
• More likely to have a longer life than an unmarried person.
• More likely to survive a major operation.

 

Baskerville: Angela Bisignano left out the very next line in that article, which says that these health benefits do not apply to people in unhappy stressful marriages. Here is the very next line (emphasis mine).

“This doesn’t mean that just being married automatically provides these health benefits. People in stressful, unhappy marriages may be worse off than a single person who is surrounded by supportive and caring friends, family, and loved ones. Interestingly, many of these health benefits are more pronounced for married men than for married women.”

 

Bisignano: It should come as no surprise that sound scientific research confirms God’s original plan for marriage – that a spouse provides companionship and psychological support.

Baskerville: Angela Bisignano’s article is hypocritical. She talks about scientific research, but she doesn’t seem to care all that much about scientific research. She leaves out parts of quotes. She misrepresented the top researchers, such as Wallerstein and Cohen and Harvard Health, and has misled readers throughout this article. 

The truth is this: After a life-saving divorce to find relief from a long destructive marriage, the majority of people report better health. The same Jesus who heals on the Sabbath and made the religious leaders angry also condoned divorce.

And Baylor’s Religion Survey 2014 indicated that 7 in 10 Christians who divorced were “somewhat happy” or “very happy.” (Baylor is the largest Baptist university in the world.)

Now it is true (on average) that people have lower health after divorce. But if you separate divorcees into two groups: those who divorced for life-saving reasons, and those who just “grew apart,” you find that the first group actually experienced better health after divorce on average. (Of course, your mileage may vary.)

“The one striking exception to the otherwise general rule about postdivorce decline in health were women who had been in distant or hostile marriages.”- Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington, For Better or For Worse, p. 59

 

 

Question 15: Will a divorce really make you happy?

Bisignano: In addition to her book The Case for Marriage, Professor Waite researched whether divorce makes unhappily married people happy. Surprisingly, the answer, according to this research, is no. Waite’s study found that divorce did not offer an unhappy spouse relief from depression, nor was it associated with increases in psychological well-being or personal happiness. The only exception to the rule involved spouses who had experienced a violent marriage.

Baskerville: Actually, divorce can make you happy. Two years after writing The Case for Marriage, Dr. Waite discussed in her 2002 study that she had found the opposite in some cases. She found that people in destructive marriages are better off by divorcing, and that 81% of those individuals who remarried were happier in the next marriage! 

Dr. Waite also found that “If the problem is marital violence, divorce appears to offer significant relief.”  p. 12   

So, I guess we can say people who escaped unhappy marriages are often happier, can’t we?

See below for 5 more quotes from Dr. Linda Waite.

That means that with 700,000+ divorces every year in the U.S., we can estimate that tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of divorces fall into this category of being truly life-saving divorces for the kids.

It’s common for Focus on the Family and their guests to make claims like “divorce will never lead to personal happiness.” But that’s not true. Here are the comments from 50 Christian divorcees who needed life-saving divorce, which led to more peace and safety. 

 

Is Divorce the Right Answer? Or Is There Hope?

Bisignano: In addition to her book The Case for Marriage, Professor Waite researched whether divorce makes unhappily married people happy. Surprisingly, the answer, according to this research, is no. Waite’s study found that divorce did not offer an unhappy spouse relief from depression, nor was it associated with increases in psychological well-being or personal happiness. The only exception to the rule involved spouses who had experienced a violent marriage.

Baskerville: Sometimes divorce is the right answer. Sometimes divorce brings hope, peace, and safety for the first time in years.

Bisignano is misleading readers about Dr. Linda Waite’s conclusions. Her findings did not “debunk the myth of the happy divorcee.”

The Waite study actually found the opposite in some cases. She found that people in violence or destructive marriages are better off by divorcing, and that 81% of those individuals who divorced and remarried in her study were happier in the next marriage! 

The main quote you’ll hear from Dr. Linda Waite’s study is this: “Almost two-thirds of unhappy spouses who stuck with the marriage forged happy marriages down the road” (emphasis mine, and notice that there is no mention of “violence”).

But that means that one in three did not become happy.  Here is the last sentence of Waite’s report:

“Both people and marriages are likely to be happier in communities with a strong commitment to marital permanence. While some marriages are so destructive that divorce or separation is the best outcome, marriages are more likely to be both happy and stable when marriage is highly valued – a key relation in whose success family, friends, faith communities, counselors, family-law attorneys, and the wider society have an important stake.” – Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy, Institute for Family Values, 2002, p. 34.   

Here are 6 more quotes where Dr. Waite claims that marriages with high-conflict or domestic violence are unlikely to become happy. (Emphasis in these quotes is mine.)

“Among those unhappily married spouses who stayed married, what factors predicted happier marriages down the road? Marriages with high conflict and domestic violence were less likely to become happy five years later.” p. 11-12 

(Editor: She’s saying that you can tell in advance which marriages are likely to become happy, and it’s not the destructive ones.)

“If the problem is marital violence, divorce appears to offer significant relief.”  p. 12   

(Editor: So, I guess we can say people who escaped unhappy marriages are often happier, can’t we?)

“When an unhappily married adult experiences violence, divorce and remarriage significantly reduce the likelihood he or she will experience domestic violence (at least from spouses).” p. 12

 

“…24 percent of those unhappy spouses who divorced or separated ended up in a second marriage within five years. Eighty-one percent of those second marriages were happy.” p. 12 

(Editor: So the vast majority of unhappily married spouses found better partners the second time.)

“Does divorce make unhappily married people happy? The answer, surprisingly, in this research, seems to be no….With the important exception of reducing the incidence of marital violence for unhappy spouses (in violent marriages), divorce failed, on average, to result in improvements in psychological well-being for unhappy spouses.” p. 13-14 

(Editor: So divorce makes you unhappy if your marriage was good or even so-so, but when it was toxic, divorce made people happy.)

Waite What kinds of marriages improved? The marriages whose problems were “outside stressors” that did not involve the bad behavior of their partner.

“Many spouses we interviewed who survived marital unhappiness did not see problems within the relationship as the cause. Instead they blamed outside forces for causing both unhappiness and relationship stress: Spouses became ill, lost jobs, got depressed, children got into trouble or created marital stresses by their financial and emotional demands.” p. 15

 (Notice that Waite is writing to address people who think that divorce never hurts children.)

“What proportion of divorces are preceded by a long period of overt interparental conflict, and hence, are beneficial to children?” asked Amato and Booth. “From our own data we estimate that less than a third of parental divorces involve highly conflicted marriages.”

Just 30 percent of divorcing spouses reported more than two serious quarrels in the past month, and less than a quarter said they disagreed “often” or “very often” with their spouses. This bears repeating: Less than a third of divorces are ending angry high-conflict marriages. -Waite, Linda J.; Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage, 2000, p. 147  

 

Baskerville: Author Bisignano asks, “Will a divorce really make you happy?” Well, it appears that research says “yes” in some cases. Sadly, Bisignano, who is a licensed professional, has an agenda. 

Most Christians who come to my divorce recovery groups did not divorce because they thought it would “make them happy.” They divorced because they were desperate, had tried everything, and believed they had no other choice. They divorced to find safety. They divorced to find relief from a situation that was destroying their health and the wellbeing of their children.

 

Bisignano: But you have more – much more – than science on your side. The One who created marriage is on your side. “God is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20).

God can change hearts. He can bring healing even when there has been an emotional or sexual betrayal. He offers hope. So, before you ask if divorce is the right answer, ask God to work in your heart and in your spouse’s heart. Invite Him to guide you as you seek answers. He is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think.

Baskerville: God can indeed change hearts, but he never promises to overrule your spouse’s free will. And God never promises to make every marriage good. God doesn’t force people to obey him. Jesus didn’t, either. He let people like Judas reject Him. He let others walk away. Jesus didn’t chase after them, begging them to follow Him. 

The Bible does however teach us not to stay in danger and demand a miracle. That’s called “testing the Lord your God,” and is prohibited by Jesus Christ in Matthew 4:7. (Video on this: https://youtu.be/daZlgkH5yqk)

Summary

Let’s go back to the beginning: A couple came to Angela asking her, “Is divorce the right answer?” And not one single time did she even consider that it might be. A couple in need of help came asking a serious question and she never once took their question seriously. Instead, she devoted all her time to trying to convince them divorce is not the right answer…. without first even taking the time to hear why they believed divorce might be necessary. This is unsafe Christian counseling. 

 

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A Letter from an Abuse Victim to Focus on the Family

A woman from my Life-Saving Divorce Private group wrote this letter and gave permission to share it.

Dear Focus on the Family,

Thank you for posting your article entitled “Is Divorce the Right Answer” in August of 2020. This is such an important subject for the church to discuss. I want to share my story with you so you can have even more info to share with your followers. I was divorced 3 months shy of our 25th wedding anniversary. My kids were 12 and 15.

My son has Crohn’s, an autoimmune disease, which research has shown to be caused and at least exacerbated by stress in many cases. He was so sick for a few years that he had to be homeschooled and along with 50 lbs, lost his confidence and joy.

He has suffered with major social anxiety, even to the point that when he hit the grand slam in his baseball tournament and his buddies surrounded him, throwing him up on their shoulders in victory, he didn’t even smile. He came straight over to me and asked to go home.

He was terrified of getting sick, jumped at the sight of a bug, avoided crowds at all costs, couldn’t go outside unless it was a perfect 68 degree day, basically afraid of his shadow.

 He threw up once in a grocery store because he was so anxious, and for months we couldn’t even drive past that store without causing a major anxiety attack.

He rarely hung out with friends, and if invited to a birthday party, I had to go along with him to ease his mind and take him home when it became too much. 

He was often very angry at me for enforcing rules, even throwing things across the room or hitting walls with his fists.

As it came time for him to learn to start driving, he was not interested one bit. Too much risk, too afraid to fail.

He wouldn’t join the youth group, and hated every minute of church.

He wanted to comfort me but couldn’t.

He wanted to bring his dad back but couldn’t.

He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

My daughter was full of life. She covered her pain with humor. She was loud and boisterous, but inside she was miserable. She felt responsible for staying happy so she wouldn’t “ruin it” for everyone around her.

She was afraid to show her anger, afraid to cry.

She felt like she needed to perform for love.

She couldn’t spend the night at friends’ houses or even attend play dates without great anxiety.

She was afraid of the big, scary world. Especially men.

She buried her emotions with food.

She hid in her room, sobbing in the closet because her family was ripped apart.

She blamed herself for the divorce.

She blamed herself for her father’s anger and emotional absence, neglect.

She carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.

And all of that, my well-intended authors of a terribly uneducated article, was before the divorce. Let me paint you a picture of what happened after my emotionally toxic and abusive, covertly narcissistic husband removed himself from our home.

My son stopped hearing 24/7 messages of how scary the world was, and all the ways in which he could mess up. So he stepped cautiously, then confidently into it.

Today he is a strong, healthy, happy, successful 18 year old entrepreneur who loves God, his momma, his sister, his grandmother, his girlfriend, and his bonus dad who has stepped up to the Dad plate in every way.

He bought and paid for two vehicles with minimal help from us, he manages his own checking account, helps strangers in need, serves as a trustee and musician in his church, attends a teen Bible study and takes friends with him.

He regularly visits his grandmother who lives alone, chatting with her about life. Before he leaves her house, every single time without fail, he asks her if there’s anything she needs help with. He does it all, no matter how simple or complex.

He is now free to explore the world with strength and confidence.

My daughter stopped hearing how draining her emotions were to her father and today she’s letting them all out, sometimes gracefully and sometimes with great vigor. Nevertheless, she’s purging the poison from her soul.

She holds more Godly wisdom in her heart than most adults I know. She is discerning in every way, and says things so profound that sometimes she even surprises her therapist.

She is working through her immense pain from her childhood through EMDR, and she’s doing so with grace and dignity. While she is not currently communicating with her dad, she’s realizing that although painful, this is not her fault, and her Heavenly Father is the only one who can fill her leaky bucket.

She is an influential friend, she’s active in her school’s marching band, has played in her youth group’s worship team, maintains excellent grades, goes out of her way to help and pray for her friends.

She recently attended TobyMac’s Camp Electric, out of state, away from me, for an entire week. She stepped so far out of her comfort zone she couldn’t believe her own self, making friends with prominent male musicians who now regularly engage with her on Instagram.

She’s building a strong relationship with her bonus dad, who has again stepped up to the plate in every way. This relationship is one where her emotions don’t get her into trouble and her voice is encouraged, applauded and celebrated.

She is now free to explore the world with strength and confidence.

Are my children perfect? Heck no, are yours?!

Do they wish their dad had wanted to save the marriage? Of course.

Did the divorce scar them? Yes.

Did the years of living under narcissistic abuse scar them more? Absolutely, in ways we are still uncovering.

Would I divorce him all over again? Hell yeah, I’d do it again, and I’d do it sooner this time.

Fixed it for you: Divorce Narcissistic abuse hits like a tornado eats away at the heart of its victims slowly and leaves a trail of devastation and heartache. Among the victims are innocent children who must deal with the destruction for years to come.