How to Defend Yourself against “You Made Your Bed; Now Lie in It”

3 Reasons You Didn’t See Warning Signs or Red Flags

 

 

The surest sign that a person is a fake friend is one who says: “You Made Your Bed; Now Lie in It”

 

They are blaming you, “You get what you deserve, and I don’t care.” They find malicious delight in your misery. (This is a sign that they are not safe individuals.)

 

They may accuse you of ignoring the warning signs before the wedding.

 

But did you really ignore red flags?  

 

A lot of nice religious brides and grooms don’t see any red flags and warning signs of danger. Why?

 

 

1) Perhaps there weren’t any warning signs or red flags. Some people are just very good at hiding their bad character traits. They fool everyone, even the pastors and parents and counselors. Often abuse or betrayal first happen on the honeymoon, or during pregnancy, or during an illness or some other time that the abused or betrayed spouse is vulnerable.

 

 

 

2) Perhaps there were minor warning signs, but they were brushed off as typical immaturity because no one thought the problems could ever grow to this level. Sometimes they appear immediately after commitment (engagement or wedding or first child); sometimes they are latent.

Why do kindhearted women and men see minor warning signs and stay optimistic about their future spouse?

    • —If the woman is devoutly religious, she was told all her life that her good example would inspire her future husband to be a better man.
    • —Often the man was told that the love of Jesus in his life would fill the holes in her heart from childhood issues.
    • —The woman had been told that marriage was God’s best way of maturing a man.
    • —The man wanted to show his girlfriend what a truly loving man is like because she had a toxic father.
    • —The man was told all his life that his stability and good example would provide the solidity his future wife needed to be a better woman.
    • —The woman had been taught to “forgive and forget,” so even if she saw issues, she was taught to smooth them over, not speak of them, and stay silent because marriage was the chief goal.

 

3) Perhaps there were warning signs or red flags, but the couple, or their parents, or their church were so excited about marriage, and so over-confident that marriage would mature both parties, or that religious passion would guarantee success, that they went forward anyway.  But just because all the boxes were ticked, doesn’t mean the marriage will be safe, loving, and respectful.

 

What propelled the kindhearted woman or man to go through with the wedding?

    • —The woman had been told that marriage was God’s best way of maturing a man.
    • —The man met her at church and was taught that God could make any marriage between two Christians turn out well.
    • —The woman was told that he had truly changed. And if she really loved him, she would “stand by her man” and give him the support he needed to change for the better.
    • —The man was concerned, but when they were dating, she had told him it was “all in the past" and she just wanted a "second chance."

 

BOTTOM LINE:  Maybe you missed some signs, but your only fault was that you trusted in God, believed in miracles, had faith in your church teachings, were filled with hope, and were optimistic about marriage. How can anyone fault you for that?  Now stop blaming yourself, and stop listening to others who blame you.


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