How to Defend Yourself against “You Made Your Bed; Now Lie in It”

3 Reasons You Didn’t See Warning Signs or Red Flags



The surest sign that a person is a fake friend is one who says: “You Made Your Bed; Now Lie in It”


They are blaming you, “You get what you deserve, and I don’t care.” They find malicious delight in your misery. (This is a sign that they are not safe individuals.)


They may accuse you of ignoring the warning signs before the wedding.


But did you really ignore red flags?  


A lot of nice religious brides and grooms don’t see any red flags and warning signs of danger. Why?



1) Perhaps there weren’t any warning signs or red flags. Some people are just very good at hiding their bad character traits. They fool everyone, even the pastors and parents and counselors. Often abuse or betrayal first happen on the honeymoon, or during pregnancy, or during an illness or some other time that the abused or betrayed spouse is vulnerable.




2) Perhaps there were minor warning signs, but they were brushed off as typical immaturity because no one thought the problems could ever grow to this level. Sometimes they appear immediately after commitment (engagement or wedding or first child); sometimes they are latent.

Why do kindhearted women and men see minor warning signs and stay optimistic about their future spouse?

    • —If you are devoutly religious, you may have been told all your life that your good example would inspire your spouse to be a better person.
    • —You were told that the love of Jesus in your life will heal the wounds in your spouse's heart from childhood issues.
    • —You were told that marriage was God’s best way of maturing people
    • —You were told you could show your boyfriend/girlfriend what a truly loving person is like because they had a toxic father or mother.
    • —You were told your stability and good example would provide the solidity your spouse needed to be a better person.
    • —You were taught to “forgive and forget.” Even if you saw issues, you were taught to smooth them over, not speak of them, and stay silent because marriage was the chief goal and cure-all.


3) Perhaps there were warning signs or red flags, but the couple, or their parents, or their church were so excited about marriage and so over-confident that marriage would mature both parties, or that religious passion would guarantee success, that they went forward anyway.  But just because all the boxes were ticked, doesn’t mean the marriage would be safe, loving, and respectful.


What propelled the kindhearted woman or man to go through with the wedding?

Kind, loving, and accepting women might experience this:

    • —The woman had been told that marriage was God’s best way of maturing a man.
    • —The woman was told that he had truly changed. And if she really loved him, she would “stand by her man” and give him the support he needed to change for the better.

A forgiving, caring, responsible man might experience this:

    • —The man met her at church and was taught that God could make any marriage between two Christians turn out well.
    • —The man was concerned about her history, but when they were dating, she had told him it was “all in the past" and she just wanted a "second chance."


BOTTOM LINE:  It's not your fault if you approached marriage with hope, optimism, and faith. It's not your fault if the small problems you saw while dating grew to monstrous proportions later. No one gave you a crystal ball! How could you have known? Maybe you missed some signs because your fiance was on their best behavior while dating. Perhaps you saw something, but you believed in forgiveness, second chances, and miracles. You had faith in your church's teaching that God would listen to your prayers and answer your request. How can anyone fault you for that?  You were good marriage material. Now stop blaming yourself, and stop listening to others who blame you.

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Start Here



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High Conflict Divorce and Parenting


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Common Myths






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