Valentine’s Day Sermons on Marriage and Divorce

NO! NOT ANOTHER SERMON THAT BASHES INNOCENT DIVORCEES!

It's painful when a Valentine's Day falls on Sunday or when the annual marriage sermon is on the schedule. I'm sure many divorcees brace themselves for a sermon on love and marriage that takes digs at divorcees, suggesting that divorcees are—

—"quitters who took the quick way out."

—"immature people who don't value the sanctity of marriage"

—"losers who didn't try very hard"

—"irresponsible because all marriage problems are 50/50."

It's really cruel and clueless. And sadly, many pastors and church leaders and denominations don't get it. It is such a problem that one professor, Dr. Valerie Hobbs, a linguist in the U.K., has studied marriage-and-divorce sermons in detail and published studies analyzing them. They describe divorce as being violent, but don't describe abuse as violent. Abuse and marriage problems are described in ridiculous frivolous ways in most of the top sermons.

BRACE YOURSELF FOR FALSE CLAIMS

• For example, prepare to hear that the divorce rate in the U.S. is spiraling out of control. (It's not. It's at the lowest rate in 50 years. And no, it’s not because the marriage rate has dropped. The divorce rate is calculated as a percentage of married people, not the entire population.)

• Another example: the false claim that most divorces are for falling out of love. Wrong. About half of divorces are for very serious reasons.

• Or this false message, that if you just hang in there 5 years, your unhappy marriage will become happy. You hear this a lot from pastors and Christian radio programs, but that's not what the Waite study concluded Here are 7 quotes from Dr. Waite that say that toxic marriages aren’t likely to change and divorce is sometimes the best option.

• Or how about this false message? That if a woman is just submissive, agreeable, and sexually enthusiastic, her husband will automatically love her and treat her well. Abuse is a characterological problem. Even though technically change is possible, it is very unlikely due to abusers dropping out early and refusing to put in the time, effort, and money to change themselves. (They'll spend a lot of money trying to change YOU and pressure YOU to drop your boundaries so you'll put up with anything. they do)

• But the worst of the fraudulent claims is that divorce is universally bad for kids (video) and that you'll be unhappy if you divorce, even if you're divorcing to find relief from abuse or betrayal. That's not correct. Thirty years of research shows that when the home is toxic due to abuse, substance addictions, or serial sexual immorality, getting out is likely better for you and your kids, rather than staying in the cesspool. There is nothing magical about a two-parent married family that protects kids if there is horrible stuff going on behind closed doors.