Why did I stay so long when I had 100% serious biblical grounds for divorce?
I asked this question in my private Facebook group, and here are some of the answers I received (anonymized, of course, to protect people’s safety).
- 1. Because I was taught through unspoken messages that divorce was evidence of personal and spiritual failure. And I loved the Lord and wanted to give my whole life to serve him.
- 2. Because I was taught the love of Jesus in my heart would heal my husband’s wounds from childhood. Or that my good example from my healthy family of origin would influence him. (Nope.)
- 3. Because I was taught that marital sex cured sexual immorality. (It doesn’t.)
- 4. Because I was taught the message that God+YOU+ME = good marriage. I thought I just needed to try harder.
- 5. Because I was taught the message that my righteous prayers would fix my marriage (and by “marriage” I really meant my sexually immoral husband).
- 6. Because I was taught that divorce destroys kids. (It doesn’t in 8 in 10 cases.) www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-is-worse-than-divorce
- 7. Because I didn’t think I could support myself. But I did. In fact I did far better than I ever dared hope. It took 5 years, but I crushed it!
- 8. Because I was taught through unspoken messages that my kids would resent me for destroying their lives. But in reality, they are in their 30s now and both have thanked me for divorcing their dad. They love him, but they know he’s seriously messed up. I didn’t tell them the whole truth until they were over 18. (I divorced when they were Kindergarten age.)
- 9. Because I was taught that marriage problems are 50/50. So I turned myself inside out to figure out why my husband was sexually immoral and doing illegal stuff. (Hint: He was immoral and doing illegal stuff because he chose to. It was happening before I came into his life, and I’m guessing it probably still happens today, 25 years after our divorce. But I no longer know or care. He’s not my problem.)
- 10. Because I was afraid of gossip and judgement at my church, my beloved faith community I had known for over 25 years. I didn’t want to be seen as a second-class Christian.
Do You Need Support? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it.
- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.) – FREE study guides for each chapter. – FREE videos for each chapter.
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
- Download “7 Effective Ways to End the Stigma of Divorce in the Church” (Sign up)
- Download “7 Effective Ways to Deal with Criticism when You Divorce” (Sign up)
- Download “3 Studies that Show Kids Are Most Likely to Turn Out Fine After Divorce” (Sign up at bottom of page)
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- Gretchen’s Life-Saving Divorce Interviews in the Media
