Critique: Hope Restored Marriage Intensives Are Not the “Miracle” Abused Wives Seek

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If you are new, read this first: This is Part 1 of a series on Hope Restored Marriage Intensives. Click here for Part 2

About me: I’m a devout Evangelical Christian who attends church, tithes, volunteers, and serves. I’ve been leading divorce recovery groups in conservative churches since 1998. I have donated thousands of dollars to Focus on the Family. I’ve listened to their broadcasts since the 1980s, subscribed to their magazines, and gotten dozens if not hundreds of their books. I sent my kids on their overseas Brio missions trips. I am criticizing Focus on the Family’s articles on abuse and divorce. I am not criticizing their other articles on adoption, foster care, politics, or other topics.

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Critique: Focus on the Family and their Expensive “Hope Restored” Marriage Intensives 

(Click HERE for video version of this blog post.) Imagine that your spouse treats you meanly: sometimes belittling you, criticizing you, mocking your opinions, indifferent to you, or even hitting you or the kids. Imagine that you hear about a $6,000 marriage intensive run by the top Christian counselors. You’re so desperate, you’re willing to do anything.

But is it a good use of your money? Your time off of work? Your energy and effort to find a babysitter or pet sitter? Does it really work?

The short answer is:

1. Abused and betrayed wives who’ve participated say “no,” it didn’t fix their abusive or unfaithful marriage. (See 3 stories below. And see my YouTube video on the results of a 2023 survey I conducted on marriage intensives in general. None of the top marriage intensives or marriage retreats had great track records–or even good ones.)
2. Hope Restored’s website says they may suggest you seek alternatives if you are facing current abuse, addictions, or infidelity. They either don’t want to handle or cannot handle these issues. (See this statement on their own website.)

 

The president, Jim Daly, says their results are miraculous but are they?

Focus on the Family refuses to give evidence of this claim. (See their response to my email, below). They want us to take their word for their success rates, but where’s the proof? Have any neutral third-party organizations contacted all their former participants? If a survey was done, why won’t they share their survey methods with us?

Hope Restored is Promoted as the Emergency Room for Desperate Marriages

The president of Focus on the Family, Jim Daly, calls Hope Restored “marriage ER.” ER means “emergency room.” In other words, he’s saying this is a program for marriages that need emergency intervention. The average person knows Jim isn’t talking about marriages that need a few more communication skills, problem-solving techniques, or conflict-resolution strategies. These are really bad marriages, ones that are destructive or dangerous, not merely disappointing.

It would be reasonable to assume that anyone willing to pay $6,000 is desperate. There might be child abuse, violence, serial adultery, property damage, coercion, threats, criminal behavior, pedophilia, family-destroying addictions, or extreme indifference and neglect.

Image below is a screen capture from the Hope Restored website quoting Jim Daly as saying that Hope Restored is “marriage E.R.,” and that avoiding “divorce court” is the goal. 

What Jim doesn’t seem to understand is that there are worse things than divorce. There’s suicide, homicide, domestic violence, and child molesting, for example. And Harvard published a study that found that when the new divorce laws were passed in the 1970s, and crime rates were compared about 10 years later, the suicide rate of wives dropped 8-16%, the domestic violence rate by and against men and women dropped 30%, and the homicide rate where the wife was the victim decreased 10%. Divorce saves lives.

But notice how Jim Daly defines an “emergency”: It’s a marriage that is headed to divorce, a marriage that might end legally.

Most reasonable people would define emergency differently. They would define domestic violence as an emergency. They would define a cheating husband or wife as “an emergency.”  They would consider a child-abusing parent to be “an emergency.”  And the past 30 years of family research has consistently shown that abuse is worse than divorce for the victim and the children, yet I’ve never seen these landmark studies mentioned on the Focus on the Family website.

Is it Focus on the Family’s view that the goal is to avoid divorce- and not to fix the marriage and make it safe?

Apparently, avoiding divorce is their true goal. Their goal is not the emotional well-being and safety of the marriage. Their ideology appears to value one thing: to keep your marriage legally intact even if you are not safe.

The Hope Restored website then asks “Are you open to God working a miracle in your marriage?” Does anyone notice the strange wording? “Are you open…” makes it sound as if you’ve never been willing before, even though you’ve prayed, fasted, and begged the Lord to do a miracle for years. The wording suggests that if you are having doubts that your marriage can be fixed, then there’s something wrong with you.

 

Are Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored Marriage Intensives Safe?

I believe Hope Restored is unsafe for many of its clients:

– 1. YOUR SAFETY IS LESS IMPORTANT TO HOPE RESTORED THAN YOUR MARITAL STATUS 

They state that their concern is that you’ll go to divorce court, as their president Jim Daly says on this Hope Restored web page. In their advertising, they state that impending divorce is the crisis they seek to solve. It appears that your safety is not their #1 priority. Focus on the Family’s official statement does not condone divorce for physical violence or emotional abuse, so their own doctrinal position endangers abuse victims and their children. Did you know that Jim Daly wants to overturn divorce laws, which will make it harder for abuse victims to freedom?

 

– 2. HOPE RESTORED’S UNETHICAL ADVERTISING

Hope Restored and Focus on the Family president, Jim Daly, use the word “miracle” and “miraculous” in their advertising. They also play on people’s fears of divorce, and use spiritual manipulation, suggesting that you don’t have enough faith if you aren’t “open to God doing a miracle” through their program. They have just shifted the responsibility for the success of the marriage intensive to you. Abuse victims hear the message: If you don’t experience a miracle, it’s because you didn’t have enough faith. This is devastating. They leverage people’s distress because Focus on the Family’s official doctrinal statement does not condone divorce for physical or emotional abuse, suggesting that the only option an abuse victim has is more counseling and reconciling. Jim Daly twists Scripture when he misquotes Malachi 2:16, stating that “God hates divorce in every case.”  An abuse victim may conclude that they are trapped for life and that Hope Restored is their only option because anyone who chooses to divorce deserves God’s wrath.

This appears to violate the American Association of Christian Counseling Code of Ethics Paragraph 1-820 in three ways:

(1) Sensational or exaggerated claims
(2) Exploiting fears or distress
(3) Expressing unique or unusual helping abilities (such as hinting at their ability to do miracles and mentioning miracles frequently on many of their web pages).

– 3.  SERVING TWO MASTERS: DONORS WANT TO SEE DIVORCES STOPPED BUT CLIENTS WANT SAFER MARRIAGES

Focus on the Family has run ads to attract donors who wish to “Stop Divorce,” without any exception for abuse, pedophilia, or serial infidelity. Merely “avoiding divorce” is also the stated goal of one of Hope Restored billionaire donors who “challenged the leadership team at Hope Restored in 2010 to make a dent in the country’s divorce rate” Source. It appears that donors who simply want to lower the divorce rate-without much concern for making marriages safe-feel that Focus on the Family is aligned with their goals. Hope Restored has an ethical problem. It cannot serve two masters: donations and safety.

This long narrow advertisement inviting donors who want to “STOP DIVORCE”  was run by Focus on the Family recently. (The larger meme, incorporating their ad, is one I designed.) FOTF promptly stopped using its ad. 

I created this meme critiquing their ad (below).

– 4. NO PROOF OF HOPE RESTORED SUCCESS CLAIMS.

Hope Restored offers ZERO evidence that abusive marriages are miraculously fixed in 5 days. They just want us to take their word for it.

Making these claims are unethical, at least it appears that way, based on the American Association of Christian Counselors Ethics Code Paragraph 1-890 and 1-890-j.  They are supposed to use accepted research standards in “all research activities,” which includes post-counseling surveys. The research needs to be “ethically planned and competently conducted.” But participants of Hope Restored tell me that the multiple-choice follow-up surveys do not give enough negative options. They felt the survey was biased to the positive. They felt stuck. One woman contacted Hope Restored to tell her story because the survey didn’t offer a multiple-choice answer that fit her situation (that her husband cheated on her after the marriage intensive).

 

And Hope Restored is required to honor any formal request for the original data so that the study can be replicated.

Also (below) you will see the email I wrote to them asking for proof of any study that’s been done on improved marital satisfaction. They refused to give me any evidence that any study had been done.

 

 

–  5. HOPE RESTORED’S OWN SURVEYS CLAIM THEY FAIL TO ACHIEVE A “MIRACLE” in AT LEAST 1-IN-5 MARRIAGES WITHIN THE FIRST 2 YEARS.

When Hope Restored brags about its success, it’s usually about how many marriages are still together two years later. For example this 2019 statement on president Jim Daly’s personal blog about Hope Restored’s 80% success rate of keeping couples married for two years. (Remember, that a lot of divorces where there is abuse or other serious allegations take more than 2 years to finalize.)

Take a look at Jim Daly’s 2016 claim of nearly 85% of marriages saved from divorce. Note that 3 years later, they reduced that success rate to 80%, which means 1 in 5 marriages ended up in divorce anyway.

People who attended a HOPE RESTORED marriage intensive and later had to divorce to escape abuse say that this marriage intensive, run for years by the same leadership (even though technically the ownership changed), pressures the wife to be better but lets the husband off the hook. Here’s one woman’s story about spending $16,000 and going to three 5-day programs, all at the Branson, Missouri, location run by Robert Paul, and Mark Pyatt, and co-founded by Greg Smalley.

(And speaking of Dr. Greg Smalley, his own daughter got a divorce, which he’s described publicly. If the guy who co-founded Hope Restored and his wife who is a counselor/coach there cannot fix his own son-in-law, what makes him think his program can fix your destructive spouse?)

Notice how Focus on the Family is getting more cautious about their success claims. It used to be nearly 85%, now 80%. They are willing to admit they fail to keep 1 in 5 couples together within 2 years. And they ought to be even more cautious. I did a survey in 2023 of people who had attended Christian marriage intensives. Some 330 people responded, and many of them mentioned Hope Restored. Eight in ten of those survey participants are divorced or separated today, and only 25% said they would recommend it to others. I’d recommend someone do a larger survey with a more representative sample, but for now, it sure seems that Hope Restored makes big claims that cannot possibly be true. To see my video on the surprising survey results, click here: https://youtu.be/Qhzd3BtmgQ4?si=whjmpfHxvW19X2V_

– 6. HOPE RESTORED’S SURVEYS DON’T USE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH METHODS, according to PARTICIPANTS  

Hope Restored made a new claim on their website, that marital satisfaction had “significantly increased” too.  When I saw the claim about improved marital satisfaction, I was curious. I had never seen them make that claim before. Surely they must have had a new survey done. If so, I’d love to know the specifics.

• • • Who did the survey?
    • Did it meet scientific standards?
    • What were the questions? How were they asked?
    • How many couples did they survey?
    • Was it the entire group of prior attendees?
    • And if so, how many years did they go back? How many couples did not respond at all?

These are very important questions. You see, marriage intensives don’t have a good track record for abuse situations. I have hundreds of people in my 5,000-member online group who say they attended one or more multi-day marriage intensives or retreats, such as Hope Restored or Weekend to Remember. And they didn’t fix anything-at least not for long. Any “miracle” was short-term. In the end, they needed a life-saving divorce to protect their life and sanity because their spouse didn’t actually become safe.

One woman wrote to me and told me about the HOPE RESTORED survey she received. Her husband had cheated on her after the Hope Restored marriage intensive. (I’ve edited it slightly to conceal her identity). She says the follow-up survey didn’t offer answers that fit her situation:

“Yes, we attended Hope Restored in the fall of 2021, just a month after I discovered my husband’s ongoing infidelity. Four out of the five couples were there because of infidelity. The counselors never addressed sin. They never spoke to [my husband] of his complete and total lack of remorse and repentance. I sat there in trauma the whole time weeping. I hoped that if he could get beyond the shame that we could restore our marriage.

“…[at the] one-year anniversary of our intensive, I received the survey from Focus. [It was] unbelievable. It was so skewed towards the positive that there were not even answers in the choices I could select. I emailed and I called in and explained my dilemma, and how terribly wrong things have gone for me in the year since coming to see them. No one ever followed up. Our outcome doesn’t suit their narrative.”

Another woman said she never was sent a HOPE RESTORED survey-

“Oh, we didn’t even make it 4 months out. About 8 months after the intensive I asked them to remove me from their email list as my husband and I had separated and I was too heart broken to keep seeing their tips for how to communicate or date or super basic things that don’t help any “ER” situation like we were in.”

 

So, if Hope Restored doesn’t send out surveys to all participants, and if they don’t offer open-ended answers or the option for negative answers, then it appears their failure stats could be far higher than they admit.

 

I wrote to Hope Restored, using the email on their website. And here is the reply I got. Short version: thanks for your questions. Sorry, we are unable to give you any evidence of our claim. But here are more claims that we won’t give any evidence for.

Hope Restored “Miracle” Claims Appear to Be False

Hope Restored and Focus on the Family make big claims, saying they have a “proven intensive model,” but they refuse to show any evidence. How do you prove your intensive model works if you don’t conduct a scientific survey and show the results? Apparently, they just want us to trust them and their reputation. They literally claim their program does miracles. Here’s a line from their president Jim Daly’s blog dated June 3, 2014. He says the results are “nothing less than a miracle.” And he even claims the counselors are “able to stop the bleeding and stabilize the couple.”

But they don’t show evidence. And it isn’t true, anyway.

I did a survey in 2023 of people who had attended Christian marriage intensives. Some 330 people responded, and many of them mentioned Hope Restored. Eight in ten of those survey participants are divorced or separated today, and only 25% said they would recommend Hope Restored to others. I’d recommend someone do a larger survey with a more representative sample, but for now, it sure seems that Hope Restored makes big claims that cannot possibly be true. To see my video on the surprising survey results, click here: https://youtu.be/Qhzd3BtmgQ4?si=whjmpfHxvW19X2V_

At the bottom of this article are three first-person stories from participants whose marriages didn’t improve. I have more stories that I haven’t shared yet. In my opinion, Hope Restored cannot prove they have increased marital satisfaction beyond the first few months. Think about it: How can any licensed therapist who has any integrity claim that in three days, or even six days, anyone can fix a violent batterer, a pathological liar, a serial cheater, or an addict?  They can’t.

But they continue to make statements like this…

Focus on the Family Does Not Condone Divorce for Physical or Emotional Abuse

And remember, Focus’s official policy prohibits divorce for physical abuse and emotional abuse, no matter how bad it gets. The abuser can lock their family in a room, restrain them with chains, beat the children, and put a gun to their spouse’s head, and Focus on the Family still does not condone divorce. Here is their own official divorce policy statement. If you read their policy, they tell the victim to adopt a “zero-tolerance policy toward abuse,” but those words are meaningless when facing a chronic abuser. It’s a toothless threat coming from an organization that categorically opposes divorce for abuse, excuses abusers, blames wives for their husband’s behavior, and makes false claims that divorce is worse for kids than abuse.

 

So if You Wish to Attend, That’s Up to You

If you want to attend, and say you did everything you could to save your marriage, then, by all means, do it. Many people of deep faith need to feel they tried everything. If you want to give it “one last chance,” to appease your pastor or parents, go for it. Just go in with your eyes open, and guard yourself against the spiritual manipulation that suggests that your faith and good example will fix your destructive marriage. If YOU aren’t the abuser, cheater, or addict, you cannot fix the abuser, cheater or addict, no matter how godly you are. No matter how righteous your prayers are, God doesn’t override people’s free will. Watch out for “minimizing” and “misdirection,” too. For example, the manual will suggest that your “feelings” of anger are the problem. But what if your feeling of anger is normal and understandable? For example, if your spouse destroys your mobile phone deliberately, cheats on you, or steals your wedding silver to pay for a drug/alcohol addiction, your feelings aren’t the problem. The behavior directed at you, the behavior that led to your feelings, is the problem.

These programs fail a lot. If 1-in-5 couples divorce in less than 2 years, then how many are divorced at the 5-year point? Maybe another one or two couples out of five? Divorcing a spouse with a pattern of deception, cheating, or abuse is a process that might take more than two years to finalize. Perhaps it’s better to use $6,000 to hire a good attorney instead.

More than 200 people in my private Facebook group (made up of mainly Christian marital abuse victims) say they’ve attended multi-day marriage intensives or retreats that did not do a “miracle.” In fact, I often ask if they know anyone whose marriage did a 180-degree turn after one of these intensive. They usually point to those marriages that had struggles of everyday life external to the relationship, such as job loss, illness, financial reversals, or the death of a family member, not the ones with abuse, adultery, pedophilia, or addictions.

One woman who finally found peace by getting a divorce said:
“Much of the trauma that I seek healing from is from the misplaced trust that I put in these professionals who “shared my faith” and sought to save the marriage and keep the family together at all costs.”

 

Yet People are Desperate and Hope Restored Brings in Money

Focus on the Family’s public tax records show that the year they added the Hope Restored program they brought in $2.5 million from their marriage enrichment programs.

Now, nearly 10 years later, with more locations open in the United States, plus three new locations in Canada, who knows how much they bring in? Just in the past 18 months, they’ve increased their counseling staff listed on their public website by nearly 30% between Feb 2022 and June 2023 (see below). Who knows how many people they lure with their miracle claims? It’s a lot of money and a lot of frightened wives.

We know that 1-in-4 highly religious couples in the U.S. have experienced intimate partner violence, the vast majority of them are Christians, so there are plenty of Focus on the Family listeners who eagerly sign up. Focus hires a big-name advertising agency to send out millions of messages every year via direct mail and their million-name email list. To give you an idea of their advertising efforts, they paid Ambassador Advertising Agency more than $10 million in tax year 2014. But that’s nothing compared to their income. Their website says they’ve helped more than 7,000 couples in the past 20 years. At $5,000 per couple, that would be $35 million dollars.

(Focus on the Family asked the IRS to reclassify them-from being a “nonprofit” to being a “church”-so the public no longer has access to how much income they receive from these programs. Also of note: Hope Restored has gone through two other names, but all under the same leaders. You can do an online search for the previous name National Institute for Marriage.)

But we do know this from people who’ve attended, Hope Restored isn’t good at fixing abusive, addicted, or cheating spouses. They teach communication skills. And frankly, learning communication skills doesn’t fix abusers, cheaters, or addicts. It just gives them new information that they can use against you.

 

Abusers are clever. They know that Focus on the Family insists on reconciliation in cases of abuse. They count on Focus on the Family to side with them. That’s why they aren’t afraid to go to Hope Restored marriage intensives. Especially in the case of abusive husbands, the men are confident the counselors there will put pressure on the wife not to divorce him. In contrast to how they treat wives, the counselors give husbands a lot of praise and loving “support” for acknowledging their difficulty in controlling their emotions.

How do I know? I have interviewed many people. I have more than 200 members in my private Facebook group who say they’ve attended one or more overnight marriage intensives or retreats and their marriages got worse.

In part 2 of this series, I document Hope Restored’s attempts to manipulate participants to believe that divorce universally destroys kids, which it doesn’t. Research shows that 8 in 10 kids of divorce turn out fine, with no long-term serious emotional, psychological, or social problems.

 

The shocking truth one attendee discovered… 

“My husband had tried to kill me….  Hope Restored staff prohibited me from talking about the abuse”

We did three week-long intensives. The first week-long intensive was court-ordered. We went right after our 2-year restraining order ended. (He had tried to kill me.) An off-duty police officer had to guard my door at night while we were there. I hadn’t seen or talked to my husband, other than in court, for 2 years. Boy, did he put on an act for the staff. The therapists LOVED my husband. They encouraged me to get back together with him. Told me it was safe. They pretend to be the experts but they know nothing about how to get abusive men to stop abusing. They prohibited me from talking about the abuse we were enduring. Sure, they sometimes have tools that helped me in other relationships. Nonetheless, through talks with the founders of Hope Restored, I came to understand that every intensive, marriage weekend getaway, etc., is always a manipulative stunt used to make the organization a lot of money. They are not interested in learning how to protect and help those that come to them that are being abused.”

The staff I interacted with were: Robert S. Paul, Mark Pyatt, Bob Burbee, Gary Brugman, Brett Sparks, Christine Arnzen, and Ken Bryant.

Another Hope Restored participant said… 

“I wish they would be upfront about their program”

 

“When you arrive at the Michigan retreat, they give out a book that says that certain kinds of situations will not change. My husband’s serial adultery was one of them.  I wish they would be upfront. But they took our money anyway. At least 3 of the 5 couples in our program were in seriously destructive marriages, and I stayed in touch with them. They haven’t seen a miraculous change. We had good leaders, including Ryan Pannell, and I thought he did an excellent job. But our marriage was at a level they couldn’t fix. I felt safe and comfortable, and they did mention the possibility of divorce, but bottom line: The program is not what they advertise.  In front of the Hope Restored staff, my husband would admit his fault, but behind closed doors, it was all my fault and he continued his affairs. I don’t think my hope was restored, and I told the staff that. My pastor and my family supported my decision to file for divorce.” 

 

A third Hope Restored participant said, 

“If there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer”

 

“The counselors focused only on communicating the ministry’s marriage model and learning communication skills, nothing else.  Childhood abuse from parents, porn use, psychological and emotional abuse appeared avoided, even though attendees cried as they shared the impact of these events on their individual lives….

“I asked the head counselor, “How can I apply what you are teaching to my situation?”  His answer was, “I can’t help you.” Yes, you read that correctly.  Moreover, the only wisdom he added was, “He is not a safe person for you.” There you have it.  $4,000 later, and I hear, “He is not safe for you.”  “I cannot help you.” That is the overall summary of their advice to me during the week.

“I went to Focus on the Family for help, but in return, I received a heavier load than I carried before.  Anyone who studies narcissism at any depth quickly learns that narcissists do not see themselves as victims but as superiors.  My husband has openly admitted to this. But after being sympathized with as a helpless victim, he grew stauncher and more arrogant in his resistance to me and health in our marriage.  If the counselors had any heart or even any serious training on these issues, then maybe the story could be different.  But in light of my experience, if there is abuse in your marriage, Focus on the Family will not be your answer.”

 

A Hope Restored participant said, 

“They make it impossible to contact your counselors later on.”

It appears that the counselors get no feedback after the marriage intensive is over. Perhaps that’s why they sound so happy and hopeful on the marketing advertisements. Maybe they don’t know how poorly things turned out for you.

One participant said, “… they don’t give us access to any of the counselors. We spent thousands of dollars counseling with [those therapists]. There is no way to follow up with the people who actually know our story. There’s no way to connect with them at all. They make it impossible to actually give legitimate feedback”

 

 

What Do They Teach at Hope Restored Marriage Intensives?

Vice President Robert S. Paul wrote the Hope Restored Marriage Intensive manual. He’s been part of Hope Restored since the early days when it was called the Smalley Institute and National Institute of Marriage. The stated goal on their website is to keep you married. That is their only success metric. The very first thing they do is try to scare you that divorce destroys kids. The first 4 pages are dedicated to that mission. For actual quotes see “Part 2: What does Hope Restored Teach about Kids and Divorce?” The manual uses all kinds of gaslighting and manipulation to convince victimized spouses that their feelings are the problem, not the arrogance or cheating or violence that caused their feeling of anger, betrayal, and fear. Instead of calling a spade a spade, they call these marriage-destroying sins “buttons” that your spouse pushes. This makes the injured spouse feel guilty in some way for their feelings, and for letting their “buttons” be pushed and reacting, rather than putting the responsibility where it belongs: on their spouse’s abuse or adultery or drug/alcohol/gambling addictions.

(Below, screenshot from the manual, page 19)  Here is a shocking statement in their manual: that the abuser, cheater, liar, or addict is not to blame for causing their spouse fear.  It is YOUR reaction to their sinful conduct and attitudes that’s the problem. it’s the FEAR CYCLE that’s at fault. What unbelievable nonsense.

 

“One of the most powerful things about actually seeing your fear cycle is that you can begin to see that the very things you do in reaction to your button getting pushed, in turn, push your partner’s buttons…. No one person is to blame for a fear cycle, both partners contribute to the lack of relational safety.”

If your cheating or abusing spouse feels a “lack of relational safety,” so be it. The Bible says we are to “not associate” and “not even eat with” such people. Their fear is real, and it’s good for them.

What utter rot. So a malicious, egotistical, lying, or cheating spouse is not to blame for making his/her spouse’s life fearful, tense, scary, or chaotic? He/she actually gets off the hook entirely!  Hope Restored mutualizes the problem. They try to tell you it’s not the adultery or the coercion that’s the problem.  It’s the FEAR CYCLE!  [I’m shaking my head. Who wants to pay $6,000 to be told this silly stuff?]

 

(Page shown below) The manual includes exercises where victims share their deepest fears with their abuser, which is dangerous to their safety. Hope Restored naively tells you to give your spouse new ideas and ways to hurt you. Couples counseling where there is abuse is unethical and possibly even illegal. The manual also paints a picture that divorce would harm the kids for life, even though 30 years of research says that some homes are so bad, divorce is beneficial for children.

 

 

Hope Restored Counselors (publicly listed on their website)

What kind of people want to work for a marriage intensive like this?

These people do!  Remember, these counselors have no skin in the game. It’s not their life, well-being, children, future, physical health, financial stability, or mental state. You are paying them.

The counseling staff is listed on this public website: https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/meet-our-counselors/ and their coaches are also listed publicly https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/meet-our-coaches/ as of June 28, 2023. (If you wish to add people to this list or if you no longer work for Hope Restored, please contact me at lifesavingdivorce.com/contact. I will update the list periodically based on public websites.)  People marked “NEW” have been added to the public website since Feb 7, 2022.

Robert S. Paul

Brett K. Sparks

Ryan Pannell

Dana Sutton

NEW Aaron Cordova, MA LPC

Robert K. Burbee

Jennifer Acord

Ben Adamson

Leslie Bashioum

Stephen Bell

Tracy Bell

Verlette Berndt

NEW  April Bordeau

Christopher Bruton

Ken Bryant

Lisa Bulter

Lyndsey Cherry

NEW  Lisa M. Clark

Rachelle Colegrove

Wendy Crawford

Jonathan DiStaulo

NEW  Silvia Espinosa

NEW Jason Franklin

NEW Floyd L. Butch Frey

Pamela L. Frey

N. Joel Fry

NEW Kathy Glover

NEW Kashina Harris

Michael Harris

NEW Amy Hayes

Pam Hazell

William Hemphill II

NEW Dan Henderson

NEW Patrick Hill

Travis Hill

Rachel H. Hillmer

NEW Catherine Ibarra

Cindy Irwin

NEW Suzy Jordan

Brain Kase

NEW Geremy Keeton

NEW Jen Krause

Hannah Littlepage

Carol Loya

MaM. Loya

NEW Sara Lynema

NEW John Michael

NEW Kelsey Mitchell

Todd Monroe

Vicky Morgan

AleMazichuk

Cynthia Nicholson

Nathan J. Phillips

Nikki Pinkley

NEW Kristi Proch

Carol Rasche

Mayra Richards

Ryan Rose

Scott Schmidt

Shar Schroyer

Eric Joseph (Joey) Staples

NEW Cody Swearengin

Kara Stone

Laura Tate

M. Kelly Ward

Nick White

Janet Williams

Terence W. Williams

Tim Williams

Michael Todd Wilson

Kathy Wingo

 

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• 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
• Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
• Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
• 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
• How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
• Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
• Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
• Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser

 

God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims

• Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
• Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
• Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
• Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
• Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
• But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
• Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
• One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
• Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
• Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
• Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
• Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
• Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
• Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever

 

How to Find a Good Supportive Church

• Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
• 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
• Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
• Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories

 

What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?

• 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
• 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
• Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
• Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
• Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
• How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
• Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
• Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
• Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
• Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
• How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
• List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.

 

 

Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You

• Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
• 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
• There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
• Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love  

Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News

• Will I Ever Find Love Again?
• Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
• I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
• Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!  

Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce

• Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
• Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
• Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
• How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
• “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
• PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)

 

Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories

• Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
• 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
• Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
• Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
• Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
• From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)

Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

• Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
• How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
• Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
• Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
• Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
• Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
• How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye

 

Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope

• Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
• Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
• 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
• Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
• Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids

 

High Conflict Divorce and Parenting

• Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
• 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
• 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
• Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids

 

Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith

• Best Books/Resources on Abuse, Infidelity, Parental Alienation, and High-Conflict Divorce

 

Common Myths

• Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
• Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
• Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
• Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
• Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
• Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
• Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
• Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
• 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians

 

FREE

• Download “7 Effective Ways to End the Stigma of Divorce in the Church” (Sign up)
• Download “7 Effective Ways to Deal with Criticism when You Divorce” (Sign up)
• Download “3 Studies that Show Kids Are Most Likely to Turn Out Fine After Divorce” (Sign up at bottom of page)

 

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GET THE BOOK! The Life-Saving Divorce is about divorces for very serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, or severe neglect. This book will give you hope for your future, and optimism about your children. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

 

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