What is a Flying Monkey?
In a divorce, a “flying monkey” is an ally your ex-spouse has won to their side. Often they start by driving a wedge between you and this person by subtly smearing your reputation over time. Below are some examples and at the bottom of this post are ideas of how to handle flying monkeys in your life.
“My wife is the type who’s overly emotional. I feel sorry for her. She’s so fragile. She just can’t deal with life. Please pray for her.”
In a divorce, often an abusive or unfaithful spouse builds alliances with other people and expects loyalty. They might try to turn your friends, family, or church leaders against you.
“My wife has left me, and I have no idea why. She won’t tell me. I’ve never cheated on her. Please pray she’ll come back.”
To be a “Flying monkey” means they also attack you, gossip about you, and tarnish your reputation, looking for praise and approval from your ex-spouse. They act as proxies or substitutes for your ex-spouse, accusing you of things your spouse cannot say publicly. These people allow your ex to have “clean hands” in the matter and claim they’ve never bad-mouthed you.
The idea of “flying monkeys” comes from the movie, “The Wizard of Oz,” where swarms of hideous monkeys with wings operate at the command of the Wicked Witch of the West and do her bidding.
How To Respond to Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys are friends, family, and even people at church who have been turned against you. Here are some ideas of how to deal with them.
- -Realize that your ex has likely systematically undermined your credibility for a long time. He/she has probably convinced them that YOU are the problem. Your ex may even tell friends what to say if you defend yourself.
- -Your friends are probably funneling vital information back to your ex. So be careful what you say. Don’t tell them what you are contemplating or what you plan to do. Don’t talk about your fears or your legal steps.
- -For now, these friends are not safe. It may be best to put them on the back burner and reevaluate them in a year or so.
- -Don’t reveal your thoughts or feelings to them.
- -Follow the J.A.D.E. formula: JADE is an acronym to remind you not to give unsafe people anything to twist or attack you with.Do not:
- 1) J – Justify your actions
- 2) A – Argue to prove you are right
- 3) D – Defend yourself
- 4) E – Explain why you did something
- -Block them on your phone, email, and social media. This may not be forever, but it is for now.
- -You do not need to respond to them. You can ignore their texts, messages, and emails.
- -If you are required to interact with them legally (due to child custody issues) then use the Gray Rock method or Yellow Rock method of responding to them.
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- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
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- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
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- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Bad Fathers Are Bad for Kids, Canceling Out the Benefits of a Two-Parent Married Home
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
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