Divorce Myth 1: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love

by | Feb 10, 2022 | Myths

How many abusive, unfaithful, controling, addicted or indifferent spouses are there? LOTS!

NOTE: This is Myth 1 of 27 Myths about divorce that aren’t likely to be true of people who love God and take their faith seriously. These messages make us worry if we’re pleasing God. They contain little accusations that our motives aren’t right. They make us second-guess ourselves when we try to get ourselves and our children to safety. Many of us have heard these messages all our lives and wanted to avoid them.  So although these myths may be true for people who are selfish or immature, they aren’t true for a person who invested their heart and soul into the relationship, even when the other person didn’t.  See all the myths on one page. See the next myth.

Myth 1: The majority of divorces are for falling out of love.   

TRUTH: No. Half of divorces are life-saving.

This myth says that most marriages fall apart because two people just fall out of love. This type of “Hollywood divorce,” is not as common as we were told, according to research. In reality, a large number of divorces happen for life-saving reasons:

-chronic emotional or mental abuse -physical or sexual abuse -addictions -sexual immorality or infidelity -betrayal -criminal activity -incest -financial abuse -spiritual abuse -neglect or abandonment   Though some people divorce due to “boredom” or feeling “unfulfilled” or “missing the party life,” many others give very serious reasons for divorce. In fact, nearly half of divorces are for very serious reasons: a pattern of infidelity, sexual immorality, domestic violence, emotional abuse, or drug/alcohol abuse. Here are four studies that show this.

 

Destructive marriages are more common than we thought.

We weren’t alone. For decades family researchers have wondered the same thing. Why do people divorce?  They’ve done a lot of surveys of divorced men and women who reported anonymously.

Here are the four significant surveys.

Survey 1 – In this first survey, the participants had divorced over age 40. Of these, 50% of divorcees mentioned the most significant reason was one of the serious reasons: adultery, sexual immorality, domestic violence, chronic emotional abuse, or abandonment (neglect of duty). [1]

Survey 2 – In this survey of participants age 20- 55, about 42% of divorcees mentioned at least one of the reasons above as the issue that caused the divorce. [2]

Survey 3 – In this study, divorcees could select more than one major contributor to their divorce: 58% of divorcees mentioned infidelity; 30% mentioned domestic violence. (They did not offer drug/alcohol abuse as a choice.) [3]

Survey 4 – In this study, too, participants could select more than one factor in their divorce. Infidelity was a major contributor in 59.6% of divorces, substance abuse in 34.6%, and domestic violence in 23.5%. [4]

 

About half of divorces are for life-saving reasons.

What this shows is that somewhere between 42% and 59% of divorces are for serious problems. So about half of divorces.

For a long time, we in the church have tended to think about divorce, and about people who have gotten divorced, as though only five percent of those divorces happened for good reason. As you can see from these studies, that’s not true.

There is a lot of bad behavior that makes marriages miserable: unfaithfulness, physical or mental abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, refusing to support the family, or simply walking out the door and never returning.

When the desperate spouse says, “I can’t take any more suffering and betrayal,” we call it a “life-saving” divorce. And only that desperate spouse knows how much they can take. No one else has skin in the game, not the pastor, not their parents, not their friends or people at church.

Those who taught us that 95% of divorces are “frivolous” are simply wrong. 

Nearly half of divorces are life-saving divorces.

Footnotes:

[1]  Xenia P. Montenegro, “The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond,” AARP the Magazine (May 2004), accessed 1/10/20, https://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf.

[2]  Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti, “People’s Reasons for Divorcing,” Journal of Family Issues 24, no. 5 (July 2003): 602-626.

[3] C. Johnson, S. Stanley, and N. Glenn, et al., “Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 Oklahoma Baseline Statewide Survey,” (2002): 15.

[4] Shelby B. Scott, Galena K. Rhoades, and Scott M. Stanley, et al., “Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education,” Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 2, no. 2. (2003): 131-145.


Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity

 


How to Find a Good Supportive Church


Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

 

 

 

 

 

Sign up for the Life-Saving Divorce email list. (You can unsubscribe at any time.)

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome.  I’ve also written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. You may also sign up for my email list below.

50 MOST POPULAR BLOG POSTS

Start Here

Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity

God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims

 

Does God Hate Divorce? No, Most English Bible Translations Don’t Say That


How to Find a Good Supportive Church

 

What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?

 

Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You

Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News

Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce

 

Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories


Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope

 

High Conflict Divorce and Parenting

Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith

 

Common Myths

 

FREE

 

FOLLOW

Get the Life-Saving Divorce Book

The Life-Saving Divorce is about divorces for very serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, or severe neglect. This book will give you hope for your future, and optimism about your children. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Ways to purchase the book

Order in paperback or KINDLE on   :

Order on   :

Buy PDF Buy ePub

Sign up for the email list for find out about helpful new blog posts, videos, and FREE Kindle book giveaways