What do you say if a dear Christian friend disagrees with your decision to divorce your destructive spouse?
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What if they accuse you of making things up?
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What if they are ill-informed about the tactics abusers use?
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What if they pressure you, saying “holiness over happiness”?
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What if they fear-bomb you, saying divorce will destroy your kids? Or that the Bible doesn’t allow divorce for abuse? (It actually does.)
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Sadly, this happens a lot. People often think they know everything about your life, and feel entitled to shut you down. But only you know what’s going on behind closed doors. Only you know how much you can take. Only you know when enough is enough. No friend or pastor or family member or counselor gets to decide if you’ve been abused enough.
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“I was just beginning to realize that I was in a destructive marriage. Two women friends came and stayed with us for a pre-planned vacation visit. During their visit, I told them my fears and concerns. I was mostly dismissed. I was asked, ‘What if marriage is to make us holy instead of happy.’ Then they told me, after nearly a week of being there, that they hadn’t seen any abuse.
“That was over 18 months ago. I didn’t have the words or the strength I do now. And while I hope to have one of those friends back, someone I’ve known and loved for over a decade, I’m at peace knowing that might not happen.”—————— Letter #1 Here’s the letter she sent to her dear friend:
—————————- This is a great letter. And many of us find ourselves in a situation where a close friend is clueless about what’s happening behind closed doors. This may be a wonderful friend, but they have a blind spot about abuse; and you’re not going to be able to convince them. I think it’s OK to distance yourself from this person. It doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. You don’t have to shun them. It’s okay to slowly remove them from your life for now. They may change. They may need some time to think about it. They may have trouble with transitions. Perhaps someday they will come to you and admit they were wrong. It doesn’t matter. For now you need to separate yourself from them and find safe friends who understand and side with you.Dear Friend,
I miss your friendship. I miss you. But if we are going to keep any sort of real friendship, I need to be honest with you and I need assurances that you are a safe person.
It was so harmful when you came to my home as an outsider and declared that you saw no abuse.
The rhetoric of “marriage making us holy instead of happy” is spiritual abuse when it is wielded in the way you used it against me. And it nearly kept me in an abusive marriage.
I don’t owe you a list of every interaction, every coercion and manipulation and suicide threat and the time/dates of neglect and abandonment.
Either you take me at my word because you support me, or you don’t.
If you cannot believe me and support me, if you continue to minimize, rationalize, or spiritualize the abuse done to me, then we cannot have a real friendship.
If you want to be a safe friend then I need to know that you are not in contact with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I cannot have honesty or friendship with you if I am worried that anything I say might be reported to him and used against me or as part of his smear campaign against me.
You don’t have to respond anytime soon. Just think about it. If you want to learn more, you can research Patrick Doyle, Leslie Vernick, Natalie Hoffman, Bob Hamp, Henry Cloud, Gretchen Baskerville, and many others who have written and spoken about emotional abuse, particularly from a Christian perspective.
I love you and I miss you.
Your Friend
Dear Christian Friend,
I value you, or I wouldn’t have shared my story with you. I love you because of your beautiful heart and love for God. I treasure you because you make me feel known by you. Or you did. Until now. Until I told you I left my husband.
I shared my story, I poured out my heart and you said you would pray for us. I knew you would, but please don’t pray for reconciliation. There will be none. My only prayer is this does not happen. I am scared of being forced back into a marriage of loneliness, control and where my soul dies every day.
I thought you knew me, but I find myself wondering. You send me words and yes I hear your beautiful heart for God’s best – but don’t you think that is what I have searched for? What I have strived for? The reason I have put so much energy and so many years into this marriage?
Do you think I have left him on a whim?
Do you think I haven’t spent 25 years hoping God would truly be the foundation of our marriage?
Do you think I haven’t used up 100% of my emotional, mental and spiritual energy?
Friend – I am exhausted. I have been bullied, disrespected, unloved, and made to feel invisible.
I am giving by nature. Do you not think I have given all I have and more to this?
Dear Christian Friend – when you say you pray we get back together I hear you saying it’s ok for me to be treated badly. You are saying it’s ok for my health to suffer. You are saying it’s ok for me to be unloved. When you say God wants us back together, I hear it’s ok for me not to matter, and it’s ok to live a lie.
Why is that? Is it because if we stayed married it makes you feel better? Do you think it will make God love us more? Or does he love me less now? Does it make us better people because we ‘hung in there’. Do you believe that God can restore me as an individual or will I forever be a let down because I will be divorced?
I know you mean well, but dear friend, please do not heap more shame, guilt and failure upon me. I have put enough on myself. I do not need your judgements or your ‘Godly’ advice because my heart is broken that God was only talk and not action for the past 25 years in my marriage. Do you not think I want to honour God too? Why does it appear to bring more honour to God by living a lie, than it does by being honest?
Dear Christian Friend, I can acknowledge my own failings. I acknowledge I am not perfect and I have messed up more times than I can count. But right now, I stand in front of you a shell of the person God created me to be. I stand in front of you tired and worn down. I stand here without hope. I stand here needing your loving kindness, not your ideals.
So dear friend – please change your language. Please try a different way to communicate with me. Maybe say:
‘I know if must have taken a lot for you to get to this point. I am sure it has taken massive amounts of courage for you to make this call. My heart breaks for you. How can I be of most help to you? How can I pray for you?’
My friend, I love you. And right now I am sensitive and vulnerable. I need your support. I need you to show me that God still looks at me tenderly. I need your prayers. More than ever I need you to pray for healing and gentleness for me, my husband and my children.
My Dear Christian Friend…. I have been you. I know you mean well. But you are hurting me. You may not be able to walk a mile in my shoes, but please, please open your arms with gentleness and love. Please love with tenderness and compassion.
Your reaction is more important than you know.
Love me,
Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. Also, sign up for my email list below.
- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.)
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuseå
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
- Download “7 Effective Ways to End the Stigma of Divorce in the Church” (Sign up)
- Download “7 Effective Ways to Deal with Criticism when You Divorce” (Sign up)
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