HE NEVER HIT ME: SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE MARRIAGE
I interviewed Cindy Burrell who is the author of the book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?“ and a writer on the topic of emotional abuse. She’s a mother of four. A survivor of a 20-year abusive marriage to a Christian man who memorized Scripture and taught on marriage topics at church, Cindy tells her story, and how she finally felt the Lord releasing her from the marriage. She tells about the process of recovery and rebuilding her life during and after divorce. She tells us about her kids, and she talks about having boundaries while doing online dating.
And don’t miss her wonderful (and surprising story) about she met her new husband 15 years ago (online!). She calls him the “love of my life.”
She also wants to give tips to people helpers, counselors, pastors, and therapists so they can do a better job at identifying mental abuse and help their clients. See timestamps below:
01:30 – Her story
02:25 – Examples of types of emotional abuse
03:20 – No counselor used the word “abuse” to describe her husband’s controlling behavior
04:00 – The tipping point: How the Spirit told her that living like this was insane.
05:00 – How well-meaning therapists and pastors accidentally pressure the victim and side with the abuser
08:00 – 1 Peter 3 requires husbands to be understanding and to give respectful treatment to their wives.
09:21 – How desperation drove her to divorce.
09:55 – God made a path to freedom, but she was still afraid of the future.
10:45 – Rebuilding your life is a walk of faith. Watch and see how God provides. A good counselor who understands abuse is beneficial.12:15 – Getting past a negative view of men.
13:15 – Online dating disasters-and success
16:00 – Setting boundaries when doing online dating
18:00 – Meeting her husband online. Not “love at first sight.”
20:00 – Do you have too much baggage to remarry? No.
21:45 – How her children feel about her 2nd husband.
23:40 – Why do counselors miss abuse?
25:00 – How abusers deceive us. What happens when words, actions, and attitudes don’t line up?
26:00 – How abusers blame you for their marriage-destroying sin.
27:00 – Better ways for therapists to help abuse victims
30:10 – Examine the fruit of the abuser: are they bringing love, joy, peace, patience, etc., to your marriage?
31:00 – “Holiness over happiness” messages trap abuse victims in unsafe situations.
32:00 – How life-saving divorces make your home MORE holy, not LESS holy.
32:45 – Recommendations for therapists.
36:16 – We want to break the cycle to protect our children. The dysfunction ends with me.
37:50 – If you don’t leave abuse, your children may decide to either become predators or prey.
38:40 – Be careful about counselors whose goal is to keep your marriage together. An abusive marriage isn’t noble: it’s destructive.
38:56 – Dealing with regrets that you failed to protect your children, and didn’t get them out sooner.
43:00 – How to combat regret.
45:10 – Expecting criticism from church leaders who don’t understand. Praying about it. Talking to the Lord.
45:45 – When an abuser abuses, they’ve broken their vows.
48:00 – We need more Christian counselors who are trained in abuse.
48:45 – Sometimes well-meaning counselors accidentally treat abuse as a communication problem rather than a coercion or control problem.
49:30 – Abusers are charming and skillful at deceiving the counselor
50:00 – Counselors have a duty to warn if their clients are marrying someone with an issue known to have poor treatment outcomes: pedophiles, abusers, serial adulterers, etc.
CONTACT: [email protected]
Book is available as a paperback or Kindle.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.
Her book, “The Life-Saving Divorce” is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children’s future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, “gaslighting,” the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.
For examples of emotional abuse, read Chapter 4 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.
What’s a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, domestic violence, felony behavior, life-destroying addictions, or abandonment/neglect.
How to Get the Book, “The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships”
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- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.) – FREE study guides for each chapter. – FREE videos for each chapter.
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
- Download “7 Effective Ways to End the Stigma of Divorce in the Church” (Sign up)
- Download “7 Effective Ways to Deal with Criticism when You Divorce” (Sign up)
- Download “3 Studies that Show Kids Are Most Likely to Turn Out Fine After Divorce” (Sign up at bottom of page)
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