This is Myth 10 of 27 Myths about divorce that aren’t likely to be true of Christians who love God and take their faith seriously. These messages make us worry if we’re pleasing God. They contain little accusations that our motives aren’t right. They make us second-guess ourselves when we try to get ourselves and our children to safety. Many of us have heard these messages all our lives and wanted to avoid them. So although these myths may be true for people who are selfish or immature, they aren’t true for a person who invested their heart and soul into the relationship, even when the other person didn’t. See all the myths on one page. See the next myth.
MYTH: It’s your fault, because you didn’t give your spouse enough sex.
TRUTH: Cheating or sexual abuse is never justified. Your spouse’s sexual addiction or pedophilia can’t be fixed by giving them more sex.
This myth says that men who are getting enough sex at home do not have affairs, watch porn, or molest children. Therefore, the wife is to blame if her husband acts out. (It is much rarer-because many church communities falsely believe that men are sexual creatures and women are not-for this myth to be leveled against men whose wives cheat, too. Men usually get accused of not being loving and helpful enough around the home.)
The truth is that you cannot cure someone else’s sex addiction or deviant sexual behavior by having more sex with them. Respected infidelity researcher Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book Not Just Friends, writes:
“Most people mistakenly think it is possible to prevent affairsby being loving and dedicated to one’s partner.
I call this the ‘Prevention Myth,’
because there is no evidence to support it.
My experience as a marital therapist and infidelity researcher
has shown me that simply being a loving partner does not necessarily insure your marriage against affairs.”[1]
As the old saying goes (and the Bible agrees)-
There aren’t any acceptable reasons for cheating, just excuses.
A 2024 study found that the frequency of sex and passion
has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not your spouse has an affair.
People cheat because they choose to cheat.
https://www.tandfonline.com/…/10…/01639625.2024.2346823
That study found, “The decision to be unfaithful is solely an individualistic quality in which zero culpability should be directed toward one’s partner, as having more sex and developing a deeper bond with one’s partner did not serve as a deterrent for infidelity. “
Of course, there are some people who will blame you for your spouse’s cheating. Yet those same people-if Christian-would not say, “Your spouse has a right to have sex with others if you sin.” If your spouse cheats because they need to see themselves in the eyes of a new adoring love, they need to go to counseling and deal with their insecurities.
A single slip might be repaired, but it takes hard work, and the unfaithful spouse must be committed to transparency and investing in the relationship. You can’t make it happen by yourself.
If a spouse cheats, the innocent spouse can forgive; but building a trusting marriage cannot happen until the adultery stops. Anyone can forgive a single incident (in fact, many people do), but serial adulterers don’t usually stop. They cheat, then come home to a loving spouse who pays the bills, keeps the household running, puts food on the table, and makes sure the kids are cared for. Many serial adulterers don’t leave or file for divorce. Why should they? They’ve got the best of both worlds.
Child Molesters and Child Porn
Many Christians want to believe that God will magically cure every child molester who acts repentant. But that is delusional thinking. To date, academic literature indicates that pedophilia doesn’t go away. The only published study that says it might was debunked.
James Cantor, a clinical psychologist at the University of Toronto who specializes in the treatment of pedophiles, says some pedophiles might think they’ve been cured when they haven’t.[2] Pedophilia is considered “a lifelong condition.” [3]
We are talking about a long-term pattern of attraction to kids, or as researchers define it: “a persistent sexual interest in prepubescent children.”[3] There are also people who have a pattern of illegal sexual activity targeting early adolescents (10-14) or late adolescents (15-19). And of course, there are people who are opportunistic and will violate any vulnerable person in their path, including children. (They may not be classed as pedophiles, but they are clearly dangerous.)
I’ve interviewed many Christian women who were married to men who have a pattern of committing sexual offenses (either child porn or molesting minors). In most cases, husbands were active churchgoers and lay leaders-and sex offenders.
These men often confessed to something minimal, like “attraction to children.” They cried tears of repentance but continued in their sin. Some religious leaders are ill-informed and believe that attraction to children can be fixed by a sexually eager spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth. Pedophiles may have sex with adults, but their interest is in children.
To quote one child molester who also had frequent sex with his wife, “The addicted part of me sees kids as good for one thing: sexual pleasure.”[4]
These Christian wives did not realize that pedophilia never goes away. They worried about their children and other children who might be affected. They hoped and prayed and forgave. They knew something wasn’t right. They were terrified that the illegal activity was far worse than they knew, but they rarely caught their husbands doing anything suspicious. (No wife can watch her child molester husband 24 hours a day, seven days a week, even if they believe they can.)
They lived in constant fear they would be humiliated and have their reputations destroyed. They confronted their husbands and demanded answers-and got lies.
The wives I interviewed for this book had divorced and were much happier, no longer living in fear and turmoil. Some changed back to their maiden names to avoid the shame. Several remarried and now have loving husbands.
As a psychologist who has spent over 20 years working with and studying victims and sexual offenders, Dr. Anna Salter says that “many offenders report that religious people are even easier to fool than most people.”[5]
Some people of faith confuse the concept of justification with sanctification. God does save any truly repentant sinner, but he does not promise to fix people in this lifetime. Even Jesus didn’t fix everyone around him. Judas was with Jesus constantly for three years and still betrayed him. If Jesus “failed” to fix Judas, why do we think we will succeed?
When your spouse molests children, has lost jobs due to porn consumption, abuses you and others, or commits adultery, it is not your fault. The choice is up to you, but if you want my recommendation: don’t stay. Run, run, run!
Footnotes:
1. Shirley P. Glass, Not “Just Friends,” (New York: Free Press, 2003), 2. This book is also excellent on how to rebuild a marriage after an affair.
2. Justin Lehmiller, “Pedophiles Can’t Be ‘Cured’ and It’s Dangerous to Suggest They Can,” Vice (1/25/19,) accessed 8/20/19, https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/mbzj5q/pedophiles-cant-be-curedand-its-dangerous-to-suggest-they-can.
3. A. Mokros and E. Habermeyer, “Regression to the Mean Mimicking Changes in Sexual Arousal to Child Stimuli in Pedophiles,” Arch Sex Behav 45, no. 7 (10/16): 1863-7, accessed 08/20/19, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26585168.
See also Michael Neuman “Pedophilia: An Overview,” Science Direct (2015), accessed 7/9/2019, https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/pedophilia.
4. This quote was from a forensic psychological evaluation I was only allowed to see under condition of anonymity.
5. Kim Harris, “Sex Offenders Groom Churches Too: How predatory behavior goes undetected in congregations,” Christianity Today (6/8/18), accessed 7/9/19, https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/june-web-only/sex-offenders-groom-churches-too.html.
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- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
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Does God Hate Divorce? He May Hate Divorce, But He Hates Abuse & Betrayal More!
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”-Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You’re Lying: We’d All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes “Two to Tango” and “All Marriage Problems are 50/50”
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
High Conflict Divorce and Parenting
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith
Common Myths
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
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