Do We Blind Ourselves When We Date?
They say “love is blind,” and that’s often true.
We are so enthralled with our new romance, we don’t see the worrisome aspects of our partner’s character. We love being in love, so when we see troubling red flags we try to pretend they mean something less negative.
For example,
-
- -Have you ever brushed off your new partner’s insensitive comments and rudeness and told yourself he (or she) is just free-wheeling and refreshingly honest?
- -Have you ever minimized the new friend’s desire to text constantly-day and night-asking how you are, and tell yourself he (or she) is in love and is interested in your life?
- -Do you feel uncomfortable when they flirt with someone else, yet minimize it by telling yourself they are just lively, energetic, and happy?
(For 49 examples see below.)
Where Did We Learn to Lie to Ourselves?
How did we learn to ignore our instincts? What teachings pressured us to sweep bad behavior under the carpet?
Some of it may be our own feelings of infatuation, our self-doubt, our desire to be in a relationship, or the modeling or instruction from our parents. But it may also come from religious messages promoted by our pastors, Christian speakers, and Christian marriage books.
Theresa’s Story
Theresa wrote: “I was a wife who wanted to do everything that a Godly wife should do to keep her husband and marriage happy. Early in my Christianity, I went to many women’s conferences and workshops to learn how I should be and act being as I had no role model from my home. One particular seminar included the following list. NOW I can see how I indoctrinated myself into accepting the emotion and verbal abuse that I enduring under the name of Jesus. See if you can identify yourself in this. We were taught that in order to ‘accept’ our husband and make him happy, we needed to turn any negative trait/characteristic into a positive one and accept him for his faults. The problem is that we were never advised when to recognize it as abuse.
Due to this teaching, abuse went unrecognized, was rampant and I did not consider it abuse. Looking back, perused my computer files, I saw this and was amazed that I had encouraged women (early in my own marriage) to remain faithful to their mates because of what I was learning. I have asked God’s forgiveness for my ignorance. [Note: The following list has been lightly edited for clarity.]
Messages That Cause Us to Override Our Instincts and Misinterpret Dangerous Traits
The first column is the actual negative behavior. The second column is how we were taught to excuse it, minimize it, or reframe it.
| Dangerous or Worrisome traits | How we Reinterpret These into Good, Safe, and Pleasant Traits |
| • Spendthrift, overspends | He/she is generous |
| • Jealous | He/she is protective and really cares about me |
| • Possessive | He/she is concerned, devoted, loyal |
| • Arrogant, conceited | He/she is self-assured |
| • Immature, childish | He has boyish charm; She’s so cute |
| • Stubborn | He/she is persistent |
| • Dominating/controlling | He/she is strong minded |
| • Insecure | He/she is vulnerable |
| • Uncompromising | He/she is self-disciplined |
| • Tightwad | He/she is conservative, economical in finances |
| • Fastidious | He/she is discriminating |
| • Compulsive | He/she is faithful, persistent, steadfast |
| • Abusive/likes to fight | He/she is competitive |
| • Moody | He/she is emotional |
| • Critical | He/she has an analytical minded |
| • Non-demonstrative | He/she is stoic, calm, tranquil, and not easily ruffled |
| • Hot head/ irritable | He/she is excitable |
| • Instigator | He/she is a motivator |
| • Nosy, intrusive | He/she is inquisitive-minded, he/she likes me and wants to know me better |
| • Suspicious | He/she is concerned |
After I posted Theresa’s list on my private Facebook page, people added more traits and examples of how we minimize, reinterpret, or gaslight our observations.
Here are a few more.
| Dangerous or Worrisome traits | How we Reinterpret These into Good, Safe, and Pleasant Traits |
| Manipulative | He/she is creative |
| Irresponsible | He/she is fun-loving |
| Foolish | He/she is exciting and thrill-seeking |
| Sex addict/Sex offender | He/she had problems in the past, but marriage will fix them. |
| Insensitive to others | He/she “tells it like it is.” |
| Impulsive | He/she is a free spirit |
| Rude | He/she is authentic |
| Angry | He/she has emotional outbursts |
| Insults good people | He/she is open and honest |
| Deceptive | He/she is a free thinker! |
| Subversive | He/she thinks outside the box |
| Secret behavior | He/she is open to new opportunities |
| Lying | He/she explores alternate facts |
| Triangulating other people to gang up against you | He/she is a team builder |
| Financial abuser (uses family rent/grocery money for their own wants) | He/she is investing for the future. Or he/she wants to lift the family status. |
| Menacing, Intimidating | He/she’s just intense. |
| Hypocritical | He/she learns by trial and error |
| Deserts people | He/she is building a new future |
| Drug/alcohol problem | He/she only drinks to relax and have fun; can stop anytime; doesn’t affect their job/school/family life |
| Pedophile | He/she loves being around kids, it brings out their fun-loving nature. They’re just a kid at heart |
| Watches porn | He’s a normal virile red-blooded man |
| Displays weapons; points gun at you | A manly man (or a no-nonsense woman) who is confident. Good protector. |
| Gives you the silent treatment | He/she is just quiet and non-talkative |
| Controlling | He/she is a good manager who keeps a close eye on your every need and emotion |
| Fails to keep promises | He/she is afraid of confrontation. Or, They’ve got a lot on their mind. |
| Fails to mention important information | He/she is just forgetful |
| Ignores important holidays, especially your birthday | He/she isn’t good at planning |
| Mean, contemptuous, bullying | He/she has high standards |
| Stonewalls and doesn’t talk about options to solve major problems | He/she could make decisions faster if you don’t pressure them. |
| Falsifies achievements in sports or schools or jobs | He/she exaggerates a little. He/she needs a lot of affirmation. |
When we see a problem, we have a lot of options on how to deal with it. Some common ones include: Denial, Self-Blame, or Revelation. See pages 370-379 in my book, The Life-Saving Divorce. Or eBook: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr
Are you going through a life-saving divorce and need support and clarity? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 4 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve written a book on divorce for Christians and other people of faith, The Life-Saving Divorce: Paperback: https://amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or eBook: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr
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- I Fear I’ll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
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Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
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Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
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- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
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Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope
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- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
High Conflict Divorce and Parenting
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
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Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith
Common Myths
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
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