Recently in my private Facebook group, we were talking about the Bible allowing remarriage for the innocent spouse after a valid divorce.
After all, God doesn’t hold you responsible for your spouse’s cheating, or abuse, or neglect, or drug/alcohol problems, or sexual addictions. No one forced them to behave this way. And surely, they had other options, such as counseling or learning communication skills if they thought you were the problem.
They are invested in the relationship, as therapist Bob Hamp says. They want their marriage to be a good marriage, and so they bend over backward to make it work.
THE INVESTED SPOUSE IS THE ONE WHO–
-Bought and read the marriage books. [1] -Signed up for marriage retreats and classes -Tried to find a counselor their spouse would agree to. -Set appointments for marriage counseling. -Prayed and fasted about the marriage. -Felt tense and afraid when they heard their spouse come home, checking to make sure everything was perfect. -Journaled and pleaded with the Lord to improve their difficult marriage. -Had a lot of self-doubt, wondering if they really tried as hard as they could. -Reminded themselves over and over to be loving and forgiving and not to give up hope. They scrutinized their own behavior. They doubted themselves. They had sensitive consciences. They second-guessed their own motives. They gave the other spouse the benefit of the doubt. -They told themselves: “I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I should have had a kinder tone.” -They told themselves, “Maybe I shouldn’t have confronted her over the missing rent money. I mean, I’m not perfect, either.” -They questioned themselves: “Was I responding out of anger when I caught him lying?” -They gave their spouse the benefit of the doubt over and over: “Maybe she wasn’t really flirting with that guy. She’s just playful and loves to sit on people’s laps.”
- -Excuses or minimizes their own bad behavior, or tells you you’re too demanding. -Blames their behavior or attitude on something you did or didn’t do. -Guilts you for being angry, saying it’s not Christ-like. -Doesn’t sit up at night worrying about their own sinful behavior. -Doesn’t volunteer to take responsibility for making the marriage loving. -Defines “saving the marriage” as blocking you from leaving, rather than actually changing their behavior. -Tells you to forgive because that’s what true Christians must do. -Doesn’t turn themselves inside out looking for ways to improve as a spouse. -May quote Bible verses at you, but insist that you make all the changes. -Doesn’t admit sin or misdeeds unless you make a big deal and threaten to leave. -Claims you misunderstood, implies you have no right to complain because you’re not perfect either. See pp. 132-142 of The Life-Saving Divorce.)
She wants a safe and loving marriage and we have evidence. She’s spent time, effort, and money buying marriage books, finding therapists her husband will see, and arranging for them to go on marriage retreats. She’s changed her behavior to match the advice of Christian marriage book authors. She’s committed. I sense she loved her husband or at least wanted to have a good marriage with him. But after she’d tried everything, she realized these steps have been a one-way street. The marriage isn’t better. It’s actually worse.
When she finally gave up and let him know, he had a choice:To invest and make the marriage better, or to block her from leaving.
He chose the latter.
He merely wants to be married, he doesn’t care to make the marriage loving. How do we know?
He has defined “saving the marriage” as blocking her from leaving, using:
- coercion (taking her keys),
- physical restraint/bullying (blocking her car)
- false accusations (“you’re lazy”)
- fear-bombing (“you’ll ruin our kids’ lives”)
- intimidation (he’s angry and contentious)
- demeaning (“you’ll never make it on your own”)
- devaluing (implying that she has made no contribution to the family’s success).
Rather than actually changing his attitude and investing to make the marriage safe and respectful, he manipulates. Notice the end of her story: She and the kids have a peaceful and loving home now.
How can he claim to believe in the sanctity of marriage? Where is his love and his sacrifice? Does he have a pang of conscience and go to therapy to work on himself? Or does he just get defensive and manipulate his wife?
In cases like this, the invested spouse has proven their commitment. Every day they entered that tense home, and faced a person who wasn’t making the marriage loving, they proved they believed in the sanctity of marriage. Every decision they made to give up their own wishes, desires, preferences, and voice, is another evidence that they were willing to sacrifice their wellbeing to keep the marriage.
How many more days do you need to proveto yourself that you tried hard enough?
If this describes you, if you need a life-saving divorce to save your life and sanity, and to escape a marriage with adultery, sexual immorality, physical abuse, mental abuse, substance abuse, or abandonment/neglect, you are free to go. And God will still love you. Really.
Footnote:
1 I’m indebted to Patrick Doyle for introducing me to the idea that we show our investment in the marriage by all the ways we spend time, money, and effort into saving it.
10 Turning Points: What is the “Last Straw” for Most Devout Christians. See One, Two, Three.
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