How Do You Date Again When You Have Trust Issues?
Many of us are loving, kind, forgiving, and generous people. These wonderful traits make us excellent friends and excellent spouses. Under normal circumstances, we tend to be optimists, to see the best in others, and to expect the same from them.
Divorce is a rude shock to us. Suddenly our eyes are opened. We accept that the world isn’t safe and some people are deceivers. We enact our boundaries and protect ourselves to deal with the harsh reality.
So naturally, when we think about dating, we are worried we will give too much, too soon, because we love to give!
(That’s why abusers/betrayers were attracted to us.)
So what do we do? We don’t want to be targets or prey for predators, but we like marriage and we like being nice people.
I interviewed “David” about dating again after being married to a narcissistic wife (my word, not his). He too wanted to be married again but was scared about dating.
You’ll see that David is a super nice man (and super smart, he’s a successful tech entrepreneur), and he describes himself as a “love and relationship addict,” meaning he gives too much. He is a people pleaser. He gave too much to his ex-wife. He debased himself, always blaming himself for all their “marriage problems,” driving himself into depression, despair, and suicidal thoughts.
He got a ton of therapy and discusses how he accepted his “weakness” and protected himself when he started dating again. He did remarry, and I asked how he knew he could trust the woman he eventually wedded. That’s all part of this interview.
- Accept that you tend to give too much. You tend to apologize too much and too early. You tend to take all the responsibility for things going wrong.
- Tell yourself that those traits are signs of a generous person, the kind who makes a great friend and excellent spouse!
- But they also make you vulnerable.
- Look for someone who doesn’t capitalize on the vulnerabilities of others in their friendships. Watch to see how they treat the friends they disagree sharply with.
- See if they stop you when you try to be too agreeable or try to capitulate too much to their wishes
We talked about many topics, but the part about online dating starts at minute 37:55.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVCex0FkO7g&t=2340s
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