Creating a Victim Impact Statement for a High-Conflict Divorce

by gbaskerville | Feb 11, 2021 | Abuse examples, High-Conflict Divorces, Parental alienation

How to Document Abuse/Neglect for Your Victim Impact Statement

(Part of this is an excerpt from Chapter 7 of the book, The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope For People Leaving Destructive Relationships.)

In very troubled marriages and high-conflict divorces where one parent lies frequently and refuses to play fair or follow the divorce agreement, it is important to document everything, starting right away. This includes threats, intimidation, stalking, “vitriol” (name-calling), and false accusations. This article will help you create a first draft of a declaration (at the least), or a Victim Impact Statement (if it’s a criminal case) for your attorney to review and offer specific guidance.

What Should You Document? When?

Start documenting immediately. Don’t hit “delete” when a nasty text or threatening voicemail is left. I know you feel like you’re finally free and can breathe for the first time in years, but from day one, you need to start documenting all threats, name calling, and other incidents.

VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT

The main goal of documenting is to be able to “paint a picture” for the legal authorities over the case. Explain what you mean when you say: “he/she abused me. Explain words and phrases such as “being mean to me,” “gaslighting,” “manipulative,” and “smearing my reputation.”

See Victim Impact Statement Do’s and Don’ts and Examples:

District Attorney’s Crime Victim Assistance Center: here
Victim Support Services here
Just Alternatives here.
Victim’s Rights here

Write the Victim Impact Statement to Illuminate the Pattern of Behaviors that are Abusive, without Calling it by Name.

You do this to tell the complete story, not just a mere list of actions. This is where a personal journal comes in handy. The more details you have, the better, because they will show the patterns (even if you can’t see them when you’re documenting them). You want enough details to distinguish that incident from other similar incidents easily. Treat it like the script of a play. Describe the scene, the mood, the time of day, the sounds, the body movements, the tone of voice, etc., for each person witnessing the event. Describe the physical, emotional, spiritual, medical, and financial impact.

How to do this: This might include:

Time/date, circumstances
What each person did and said
How each action and comment made you feel
What thoughts or actions you or others took because of it
What your children witnessed or reported to you
You and your children’s (or other witness’s) feelings, actions, or words in response.

DON’T DO THIS:

This is quoted directly from the Victim Support Services website above.

“Don’t directly express your anger toward the court or the offender. Your goal is to express your hurt and your pain, not to blame…. …Now is the time to talk about what you have been experiencing through your loss.”
“Don’t use unsuitable language, as it will diminish the effectiveness of your statement.”
“Don’t describe what you want to happen to the offender in prison. Please do not get descriptive about any harm you would like to see imposed.”

Why are these “Don’ts” so important? Take the first one as an example: “Don’t directly express your anger…” Your victim statement must convey hurt, pain, and the damage you’ve experienced. The moment you show anger, you risk undermining your own narrative. Anger can make it harder for listeners to connect with your suffering and instead shift their focus away from your pain.

Your goal is to evoke empathy and a protective impulse in your audience. If you express anger, rage, schadenfreude (taking pleasure in their misfortune), or even a sense of self-satisfaction or revenge, you weaken your credibility as a victim. It may not seem fair, but it’s simply how human nature works—people are more inclined to support someone they perceive as vulnerable rather than vengeful.

A court “victim statement” must be “the truth, and just the truth” about YOUR OWN PAIN and the HARM DONE TO YOU and your dependents.

Avoid calling for retribution – this makes you sound angry and vengeful.
Avoid calling for financial, physical, or emotional harm on your abuser. This makes you look like the problem and generates sympathy for the abuser.
Avoid using terminology that is not known to people outside of the domestic violence community, UNLESS you give detailed examples.
Avoid diagnosing them as a sociopath, narcissist, bipolar, abuser, psychopath, pedophile, “psycho.” Describe only what they did that was deeply harmful.
Choose only the best and most powerful stories. Use only the clearest incidents. You can add a note to the bottom of the statement, that you could say much more, but wanted to highlight a few destructive events. Using a story where the person merely hurt your feelings or wasn’t sensitive will backfire on you. Better to have 5 powerful stories than
Back everything with evidence if possible.
Unless it is essential to your story or directly tied to a prior criminal arrest or conviction, avoid attacking churches, clubs, companies, employers, or groups associated with the abuser. Criticizing these organizations can make it seem like you have a personal agenda beyond simply telling your truth. Remember, your focus should be on the abuser’s actions against you personally, not anything unsavory about the institution. Shifting attention to the organization can be a distraction and may weaken the impact of your statement.

Both facts and feelings are important to document! If he/she punched the wall beside you and you were afraid he/she was going to hit you, document that. If your child was upset that their parent didn’t pick them up for parenting time, again, document your child’s verbal, physical, and emotional response. This is a journal, with the specific purpose of keeping a record (not a bullet-point list of behaviors). As best you can, document the time and date.

In a high-conflict divorce, trying to survive blinds you to the fact that you must protect yourself. You’re so broken down after years of mind-games, you don’t realize you have to be on your toes. When your spouse realizes they can no longer control you, a lightbulb turns on, and they may try a wide variety of tactics to threaten or punish you.

Ask Someone To Read Your Victim Impact Statement First

Ask a high-conflict divorce coach or even some sort of AI, such as ChatGPT or Perplexit.ai, to give you feedback on your first rough draft.

Incidents to Document

Threats against you or your children. Example: “If you divorce, I’ll get custody of our daughter.” “You’ll never get a dime from me.” “I’ll destroy you in court.” “I’ll ruin you.”
Anger about the divorce. Trying to stop or delay the divorce: Not responding to letters, changing addresses without telling you so they can’t be served, calling your friends/family and telling them he/she wants to save the marriage.
Plans to sabotage the legal process. If your spouse says they will quit their job so that no child support is granted, keep this.
Vitriol or hate in voice messages, emails, or face-to-face. Calling you names, trying to ruin your reputation, accusing you of sleeping with everyone, accusing you of doing the very things they are doing. Saying, “If you were any kind of parent, you’d do this…” Or “You’re an awful parent, your child is better off without you.”
Stalking behavior. Driving by your house, standing outside your workplace, calling your boss, trying to get you fired, creating a crisis so you have to leave work early, bothering your coworkers. (Get coworkers’ statements in writing right away. Save their emails/texts and print them out. If you let time pass, they may not want to get involved.)
Not following court orders about visitation. Coming too early, coming more than 15 minutes late, not showing up at the scheduled time and place, picking kids up at school early and demanding the teacher let the kids out.
Calling your attorney and the judge names or accusing them of criminal behavior. See this woman’s story about how she was awarded attorney’s fees to be reimbursed by her ex-husband after her husband repeatedly badmouthed officers of the court in writing.
Hacking your phone or computer. (This is why it may not be best to document everything on your phone.) Hacking is a crime in the U.S.
False allegations with no proof. (Your attorney will ask them in court if they have proof.)
Withholding child support. This is especially to be noted if your ex is also demanding you pay to get kids into expensive sports/lessons.
Financial abuse. Taking money out of joint accounts, refusing to pay support in a timely fashion (yet demanding you pay for the kids’ camp, sports, or activities by the deadline).
Constant litigation over small things. Note this especially if it is happening over small things, such as not making a phone call at exactly 5:00 pm.
Disparaging comments. These can be about your family, your sex life, accusing you of having sex partners coming in and out of your house (which, incidentally, proves they are stalking you).
Claiming that something is true when it’s not. Denying something that turns out to be true. Saying the kids finished and turned in their schoolwork (when it didn’t actually happen), claiming they had spent a certain amount of money on the kids’ sports uniforms (but didn’t), claiming they gave you items that belonged to you (though they cannot give you a date or proof of delivery).
Not picking up or dropping off the kids within 30 minutes of the specified court-approved time. Not dropping them off at the agreed upon location. Cancelling visitation or vacation plans without reasonable notice.
Not paying child support, or not paying on time, or not paying the specified amount.
Demanding leniency from you, but refusing the same leniency when you request it.

Some people record all conversations, if that is legal in their state. Some people never speak with the other spouse on the phone, choosing to do everything via email and text message or a co-parenting app so there is proof of what was said and agreed to and the date/time.

Once you file for divorce, you may want to communicate with your spouse only in writing, if possible. Look at the OurFamilyWizard app or the AppClose app or Talking Parents app online and become familiar with how they work. These apps are lifesavers and are admissible in court in many states. The records make it very difficult for people to change dates, wording, and pretend they did or didn’t receive or respond to an email. Often the court requires the divorcing parties split the cost of these apps. (OurFamilyWizard is about $6 per month.)

From a mother who’s been through it:

Start documenting now. Don’t just delete his hate-filled accusations, the name calling, and the threats. You’ll need them as evidence later. It will not get better. It will get worse. You may be hoping it will settle down and they get involved with a new romance, but don’t let your guard down. But the Lord is with you. Just keep being the best parent you can be.

From a father who’s been through it:

My advice is usually for the women, because they have it so much worse than I did. Think of your kids. Custody is an issue. That’s why I stayed. I was afraid that I would lose my kids, and that was her first counter to me filing for divorce. She said, “You know, you’re gonna lose all parental rights,” and my attorney said, “No way. This guy has been a schoolteacher for 20 years. He’s loved. He has a tight relationship with his kids. There’s no way in hell that his kids should be totally taken away from him.” And she had to bring that up once, and it was never mentioned again. Take care of your kids. Don’t fear that a broken home is going to break your kids. Because keeping your kids in an abusive relationship will break them more.

It’s normal for the divorce process and recovery to take time, and your best bet is keeping the kids out of the gory details, validating their feelings and process, getting your emotional needs met by other adults rather than expecting your kids to do that for you, and calmly and continually modeling and requesting kind, respectful treatment from each member of the family to all the others-including you!

How to Use A.I. to get suggestions on improving your victim impact statement

Just as an experiment, I asked Perplexity.ai to create a really bad, low-quality imaginary victim impact statement. It came out like this:

“My husband hit me a lot and I’m so angry about it! It really hurt and made me sad and furious. I hate how he yelled at me and called me names. I was terrified to go home because I didn’t know what mood he’d be in. The kids saw some of it and that was awful. I had to miss work because of bruises and I hope he loses his job forever! My friends stopped inviting me places because he was so controlling. I felt alone and trapped and now I want him to suffer! I wish he hadn’t done those things to me. It wasn’t fair and I didn’t deserve it. Now I have nightmares and get nervous around other men. I hope he rots in jail and never works again! I want to feel safe and not worry all the time. Maybe someday I can trust people again but right now I’m just so mad! I’m trying to be strong for my kids but it’s hard. I don’t know what else to say except I want his life ruined like he ruined mine! I just want it all to be over and to see him pay for what he did. I hope the judge destroys his career and future! Thank you for listening to me.”

Then I asked Perplexity.ai, “Give 10 suggestions on how to make this victim impact statement better.” It gave me the following.

“To make the victim impact statement more appropriate for the court, several steps should be taken:

Remove angry language and focus on factual information. The statement should avoid expressions of rage or desires for revenge, such as wanting to ruin the abuser’s career14.

Organize the statement more coherently, perhaps chronologically or by type of impact (emotional, physical, financial)1.

Include specific details and examples to illustrate the impact of the abuse, rather than general statements14.

Use respectful and appropriate language throughout the statement, avoiding slang, insults, or derogatory terms14.

Emphasize the personal impact of the crime on emotional, physical, and financial well-being without directing comments at the defendant14.

Remove any mention of recommended sentences or punishments for the abuser, as this is not appropriate in a victim impact statement4.

Consider documenting the effects of the abuse over time in a [personal diary or] journal to provide more accurate and detailed information when writing the statement4.

Focus on addressing the court rather than the defendant, even though the abuser may be present during the reading of the statement4.

Include information about how the abuse has affected relationships with children and family members1.”

A Final Word of Comfort

Though you may feel you’re walking a lonely path, there are others who’ve been where you are.

Though the waters may be rough at first, there are calmer seas ahead. Get support for yourself, and maintain protective boundaries for your children as best you can; many kids, as they grow up, come to see the truth about how dangerous the marriage was.

Nearly everyone I interviewed for this book wanted readers to know that they are grateful for their divorce and are doing better. Many started this path feeling confused, discouraged, and fearful. They felt they would never survive.

But they did-with God’s help.

They talked about the peace they’ve found and freedom from being trapped in an unworkable situation.

Even those who are in tough court battles are glad they made the decision to leave. They no longer have to live with their ex-spouse 24 hours a day, and it makes a positive difference in their children’s lives.

God cares about you, and about your children, as you are going through a life-saving divorce, and you can cling to his promises of love and his presence with you every step of the way.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

-Psalm 103:13 (ESV)

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

-Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

For more books, free videos, and support groups on the topic of high-conflict divorces and/or parental alienation, see Section 10 in my recommended books list.

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. Also, sign up for my email list below.

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Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve also written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. You may also sign up for my email list below.