I liked Theresa Newberry’s story and I’m grateful for her permission to use it.
Theresa wrote: “I was a wife who wanted to do everything that a Godly wife should do to keep her husband and marriage happy. Early in my Christianity, I went to many women’s conferences and workshops to learn how I should be and act being as I had no role model from my home. One particular seminar included the following list. NOW I can see how I indoctrinated myself into accepting the emotion and verbal abuse that I enduring under the name of Jesus. See if you can identify yourself in this. We were taught that in order to ‘accept’ our husband and make him happy, we needed to turn any negative trait/characteristic into a positive one and accept him for his faults. The problem is that we were never advised when to recognize it as abuse.
Due to this teaching, abuse went unrecognized, was rampant and I did not consider it abuse. As I perused my computer files, I saw this and was amazing that I had encouraged women (early in my own marriage) to remain faithful to their mates because of what I was learning (below). I have asked God’s forgiveness for my ignorance. [Note: The following list has been lightly edited for clarity, and to include the reality that some women can be the badly behaved one in the marriage.]
How Church Teachings Cause Us to Miss Dangerous Traits
Notice how the church tells us to reinterpret the bad, sinful, and destructive behavior. The first column is the actual negative behavior. The second column is how we were taught to excuse it, minimize it, or reframe it.
| Dangerous or Worrisome traits | How we Reinterpret These into Good, Safe, and Pleasant traits |
| • Spendthrift, overspends | He/she is generous |
| • Jealous | He/she is protective, they really care about me |
| • Possessive | He/she is concerned, devoted, loyal |
| • Arrogant, conceited | He/she is self-assured |
| • Immature, childish | He has boyish charm; She’s so cute |
| • Stubborn | He/she is persistent |
| • Dominating/controlling | He/she is strong minded |
| • Insecure | He/she is vulnerable |
| • Uncompromising | He/she is self-disciplined |
| • Tightwad | He/she is conservative, economical in finances |
| • Fastidious | He/she is discriminating |
| • Compulsive | He/she is faithfulness, persistence, steadfastness |
| • Abusive/likes to fight | He/she is competitive |
| • Moody | He/she is Emotional |
| • Critical | He/she is analytical minded |
| • Non-demonstrative | He/she is stoic, calm, tranquil, not easily ruffled |
| • Hot head/ irritable | He/she is excitable |
| • Instigator | He/she is motivator |
| • Nosy, intrusive | He/she is inquisitive minded, he wants to know me better |
| • Suspicious | He/she is concerned |
After I posted Theresa’s list on my private Facebook page, people added more traits and examples of how we minimize, reinterpret, or gaslight ourselves.
Here are a few more.
| Dangerous or Worrisome traits | How we Reinterpret These into Good, Safe, and Pleasant traits |
| Manipulative | He/she is creative |
| Irresponsible | He/she is fun loving |
| Foolish | He/she is exciting and thrill-seeking |
| Sex addict/Sex offender | He/she had problems in the past, but marriage will fix them. |
| Insensitive to others | He/she “tells it like it is.” |
| Impulsive | He/she is a free spirit |
| Rude | He/she is authentic |
| Angry | He/she has emotional outbursts |
| Insults good people | He/she is open and honest |
| Deceptive | He/she is a free thinker! |
| Subversive | He/she thinks outside the box |
| Secretive | He/she is open to new opportunities |
| Lying | He/she explores alternate facts |
| Triangulating other people to gang up against you | He/she is a team builder |
| Financial abuser (uses family rent/grocery money for their own wants) | He/she is investing for the future. Or he/she wants to lift the family status. |
| Menacing, Intimidating | He/she’s just intense. |
| Hypocritical | He/she learns by trial and error |
| Desertion | He/she is building a new future |
| Drug/alcohol problem | He/she only drinks to relax and have fun; can stop anytime; doesn’t affect their job/school/family life |
| Pedophile | He/she loves being around kids, it brings out their fun-loving nature. They’re just a kid at heart |
| Watches porn | He’s a normal virile red-blooded man |
| Displays weapons; points gun at you | A manly man (or a no-nonsense woman) who is confident. Good protector. |
| Gives you the silent treatment | He/she is just quiet and non-talkative |
| Controlling | He/she is a good manager who keeps a close eye on your every need and emotion |
| Fails to keep promises | He/she is afraid of confrontation. Probably because I’m too aggressive. They’ve got a lot on their mind. |
| Fails to mention important information | He/she is just forgetful |
| Ignores important holidays, especially your birthday | He/she isn’t good at planning |
| Mean, contemptuous | He/she has high standards |
| Stonewalls, doesn’t talk about options to solve major problems | He/she needs more time to make decisions. You’re too demanding. |
| Falsifies achievements in sports or schools or jobs | He/she exaggerates a little, but it’s no big deal. It’s like a fish tale, it just gets bigger and bigger. |
When we see a problem, we have a lot of options on how to deal with it. Some common ones include: Denial, Self-Blame, or Revelation. See pages 370-373 in my book, The Life-Saving Divorce.
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Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video) - How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
God Allows Divorce to Protect Vulnerable People
- Jesus’ Greatest Divorce Sermon – Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Jesus Said, “Love My Enemy”—Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God’s Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
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- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do If Your Church Threatens You
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- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News
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Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce
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“I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video) - PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go - Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video) - Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video) - Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn’t Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
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- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope
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- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
High Conflict Divorce and Parenting
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- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith
Common Myths
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
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- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and “God Hates Divorce”
- Myth: You Just Didn’t Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don’t Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don’t Apply to Committed Christians
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