Why You Didn’t See the Red Flags — And Why It’s Not Your Fault

by gbaskerville | Dec 30, 2021 | Abuse examples, Christians and Divorce, Gaslighting Examples

Red flags on tall flagpoles against a bright sky, symbolizing overlooked warning signs in an abusive or unsafe marriage.

Abusive Marriage? It Might Not Be Your Fault You Didn’t See the Red Flags

For a short audio summary, listen here:

Many survivors are told—by others or by their own inner critic—
“You must have ignored the signs.”

But that assumption oversimplifies what really happens to kind, faithful people who enter marriage with hope but end up with an unsafe situation. You are not being “unbiblical” for noticing danger. And it’s important to know that Adultery, Abuse, Abandonment Are Biblical Grounds for Divorce.

Why Good, Faithful People Miss Red Flags

Missing danger does not mean you were careless, unwise, or rebellious. It usually means you were loving, optimistic, and working with the information you had at the time.

Here are the most common reasons.

1. Sometimes There Truly Were No Clear Signs

Some people conceal their character extremely well. Abuse, addiction, or infidelity often surfaces after commitment or vulnerability—on the honeymoon or during pregnancy, illness, financial stress, or once power is secure.

Parents, pastors, and friends can miss it too.

2. The Signs Were Small—and Everyone Normalized Them

What you noticed didn’t look catastrophic. It looked like:

immaturity
insecurity
stress
“normal marriage struggles”
dealing with past sin

You were encouraged to pray more, be patient, forgive quickly, and trust God to do the changing. No one could have dreamed how destructive those issues would become.

Add church pressure, the fear of being seen as judgmental, and the belief that marriage fixes problems—and it becomes even harder to trust your instincts. Many sincere Christians are taught that noticing problems means they are being unloving, critical, or lacking faith. Instead of being encouraged to pay attention, they are urged to silence concern, assume the best, and override their own discernment. Over time, this trains good people to doubt themselves rather than question unsafe behavior, and causes a faith crisis. Many people believed that marrying this person was God’s will, and now wonder what went wrong.

The Bible teaches us to get away from abusers, even if they are considered fellow believers. It doesn’t matter if we didn’t see the warning signs earlier. When the harm escalates, we can leave.

3. The Pressure to Marry Was Powerful

You may have heard:

“Marriage will fix this.”
“Love covers it.”
“Two Christians can make it work.”

Marriage was presented as the solution, not the risk.

4. No One Taught You What a Red Flag Really Was

Or how certain traits become dangerous over time.

This is often an insight that only comes later, after growth and healing:

I did see some red flags—but who could have imagined how they would morph into something so harmful?

Most people are never taught how jealousy escalates into control, or how selfishness becomes exploitation, or how anger hardens into intimidation.

Many people have said they were never taught about red flags by their parents. That’s why a list of 130 examples of physical, medical, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse is so helpful.

Why Kindhearted People Reinterpret Danger as Goodness

Many of us were taught to “see the best” in others.
So genuine warning signs got reframed as virtues.

You are not alone! Many good people give others a second chance, see the best in them, or believe in their potential. That’s what kind people do. But research shows that abuse occurs in 1-in-4 highly religious couples too.

How Red Flags Get Rewritten in Our Minds

Dangerous Red Flag Traits	How We Reinterpret Them
Spendthrift, overspends	“He/she is generous”
Jealous	“Protective, really cares”
Possessive	“Devoted, loyal”
Arrogant	“Self-assured”
Immature	“Boyish charm / so cute”
Controlling	“Strong-minded”
Insecure	“Vulnerable”
Name calling, false accusations	“Just stressed out”
Uncompromising	“Self-disciplined”
Critical	“Analytical”
Moody	“Emotional”
Hot-tempered	“Passionate”
Nosy, intrusive	“Just really interested in me”
Suspicious	“Concerned”

This isn’t foolishness.
It’s conditioning + hope + faith.

The Bottom Line: Stop Blaming Yourself

Maybe you missed some signs.
Or maybe your only “mistake” was being loving, faithful, and hopeful.

You trusted God.
You believed in change, forgiveness, and miracles.
You followed what you were taught.

You deserved safety from the start.

Now stop blaming yourself—and stop listening to anyone who does. And remember that forgiveness does not require reconcilliation.

For Further Reading:

The 4 Biblical Grounds for Divorce

Practical Tips

Hope and Life After Divorce

I Was So Sure This Was Going to Be a Happy Marriage. What Happened?

Jesus, Rescue, and Mercy for the Vulnerable

Marriage Vows and “Till Death Do Us Part”

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve also written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. You may also sign up for my email list below.

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