Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
Why Victims of Abuse Often Blame Themselves
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Many people trapped in destructive marriages ask this question—not because they are actually harming the relationship, but because they’ve been repeatedly told they are. This kind of self-doubt is a hallmark of gaslighting and emotional abuse, especially in Christian settings where spouses are urged to “fight for the marriage” at all costs.
While researching The Life-Saving Divorce, I heard from countless Christians who were deeply committed to marriage, had tried everything they were taught to try, and still found themselves blamed for the relationship’s failure. One woman’s story captures this dynamic with painful clarity.
“I Tried Everything”—What Real Commitment Looks Like
She spent years reading Christian marriage books, attending Bible studies alone, finding counselors her husband would agree to see, scheduling marriage retreats, and carefully changing her own behavior to match Christian marriage advice. She was constantly encouraged to fight for her marriage by being more patient, more forgiving, more self-sacrificing.She wasn’t resistant. She wasn’t selfish. She was exhausted from trying.
By any evangelical definition, she had already proven she was fighting for the marriage.
When the Decision to Leave Triggers Escalation
When she finally reached the point—quietly, internally—where she realized she had permission to leave, her husband did not respond with repentance or self-examination. Instead, he escalated.
- He took her keys.
- He blocked her car.
- He shouted that she would ruin their children’s lives.
- He told her she was lazy, incompetent, and just like her divorced relatives.
- He repeated, “I’m the only one fighting for this marriage.”
These behaviors are classic examples of coercive control and emotional abuse, not marital “conflict” (see “130 Examples of Abuse”)
“Fighting With Me Is Not Fighting for the Marriage”
At one point she said to him, “Do you realize that fighting with me is not the same as fighting for our marriage?”
He was so angry and contentious that it’s unlikely he could hear the difference.
This is where many victims become confused. Their spouse claims to value marriage deeply—yet defines “saving the marriage” as preventing the other person from leaving, not making the marriage loving, safe, or respectful.
Here is the difference many victims struggle to name—but feel in their bones.
Two Very Different Ways People Try to “Fight for the Marriage”
| The Invested Spouse (Trying to Make the Marriage Loving & Safe) |
The Controlling / Self-Protective Spouse (Trying to Prevent Loss of Control) |
|---|---|
| Wants the marriage to be mutually respectful and safe | Wants the marriage to continue at any cost, even if it is unsafe |
| Works on their own behavior | Focuses on controlling the other person’s behavior |
| Seeks counseling with humility and openness | Uses counseling, Scripture, or “commitment” language to pressure or manipulate |
| Makes changes that cost comfort, pride, or power | Makes demands that preserve power, image, or convenience |
| Respects the other spouse’s freedom and conscience | Blocks, restrains, or frightens the other spouse to prevent leaving |
| Accepts accountability and correction | Becomes defensive, angry, or punitive when confronted |
| Values marriage and the wellbeing of their spouse | Values the institution of marriage over the wellbeing of their spouse |
Wanting Marriage vs. Wanting Control
This husband wanted to stay married. There’s nothing wrong with wanting marriage. But he did not want to change. Instead of investing in humility, accountability, or real repair, he relied on coercion, intimidation, and fear.
That is not commitment.
That is control.
Scripture does not require a spouse to remain trapped with someone who covers their clothing with violence (see “Abuse Is Biblical Grounds for Divorce”).
What Happens After a Life-Saving Divorce
Two years after leaving, this woman described a peaceful, loving home. Her relationships were conflict-free. Her children were calmer. The chaos did not follow her out of the marriage—it stayed behind with the person who created it.
Research consistently shows that children often do better after a life-saving divorce than in a home marked by chronic conflict or abuse (see “Is It Always Best to Stay for the Kids?”).
“What If I Didn’t Try Hard Enough?”
Sometimes people ask, “But what if I’m the one who didn’t try hard enough?”
Here’s a better question:
How many more days do you need to prove—to yourself—that you already did?
You Are Not the One Destroying the Relationship
Marriage requires two people acting in good faith. When one person repeatedly undermines safety, dignity, and trust, the relationship is already being destroyed. Naming that truth does not make you the destroyer.
If this story sounds like yours—and you are considering a life-saving divorce to escape abuse, coercion, chronic infidelity, addiction, or neglect—you are free to go. God does not require you to stay bound to harm (see “The Bible Teaches Us to Get Away from Abusers”)
What This Difference Reveals
A spouse can claim to believe in the sanctity of marriage while refusing to make the marriage loving.
One spouse sacrifices themselves to save the relationship.
The other sacrifices the relationship to protect themselves.
When “saving the marriage” means silencing, restraining, frightening, or degrading the other person, the marriage is not being preserved—it is being propped up by force.
A Word to the Invested Spouse
In cases like this, the invested spouse has already proven their commitment.
Every day you entered a tense home.
Every time you gave up your voice, preferences, and safety to keep the peace.
How many more days do you need to prove—to yourself—that you tried hard enough?
If this describes you, and you decide to pursue a life-saving divorce to protect your life, sanity, and dignity—to escape adultery, abuse, addiction, coercion, or neglect—you are free to go.
And God will still love you. Really.
Footnote:
1 I’m indebted to Patrick Doyle for introducing me to the idea that we show our investment in the marriage by all the ways we spend time, money, and effort into saving it.
10 Turning Points: What is the “Last Straw” for Most Devout Christians. See One, Two, Three.
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