No! Not Another Sermon That Bashes Innocent Divorce Survivors!
It’s painful when Valentine’s Day falls on Sunday — or when the annual marriage sermon is on the schedule. Many divorced Christians brace themselves for a sermon on love and marriage that takes digs at divorce survivors, suggesting they are—
—“quitters who took the quick way out.”
—“immature people who don’t value the sanctity of marriage.”
—“losers who didn’t try hard enough.”
—“irresponsible because all marriage problems are 50/50.”
It’s cruel. And it’s clueless.
Sadly, many pastors and church leaders and denominations still don’t understand what actually ends most marriages. The problem is so widespread that Dr. Valerie Hobbs, a linguist in the U.K., has studied marriage-and-divorce sermons in depth. In her analysis of popular divorce sermons, she noticed a troubling pattern: divorce is often portrayed as “violent,” “destructive,” and catastrophic—while real abuse is minimized, euphemized, or brushed off as ordinary marital “struggles.” In other words, the language makes divorce the enemy, not coercion, intimidation, or harm. That framing can silence victims and protect abusers.
That reversal is dangerous.
Brace Yourself for False Claims
-
You may hear that the U.S. divorce rate is spiraling out of control. It isn’t. It’s near the lowest level in 50 years. And no, that’s not because the marriage rate dropped — divorce rates are calculated based on married people.
-
You may hear that most divorces happen because people “fall out of love.” Research says otherwise. Nearly 6 in 10 divorces involve serious issues like abuse, addiction, or infidelity (see Divorce Myth #1).
-
You may hear that if you just “hang in there five years,” your unhappy marriage will turn around. That’s not what the Waite study actually found. In fact, long-term low-quality marriages are often more damaging than divorce (see also Debunking the Stay 5 Years Myth).
-
You may hear that if a wife were more submissive and agreeable, her husband would automatically love her better. Abuse is not caused by imperfect submission. It is a characterological problem. While change is technically possible, trying to fix an abuser rarely works because true reform requires long-term accountability most abusers refuse.
-
And the most harmful claim of all: that divorce is universally bad for children and that you will be unhappy if you leave — even if you are escaping abuse or serial betrayal.
Thirty years of research shows something very different. When a home is toxic due to violence, addiction, or chronic infidelity, leaving is often healthier for both parent and child (see 8 in 10 Kids Turn Out Fine and When Divorce Is Better for Kids).
There is nothing magical about a two-parent married home if destructive behavior is happening behind closed doors.
According to tradition, the real St. Valentine was a third-century pastor who helped Christians marry in defiance of unjust laws. He wasn’t afraid to challenge harmful systems.
Today we sometimes do the reverse. When someone’s life, sanity, or children are at risk, we help them get to safety. Scripture never commands endurance of abuse. In fact, divorce was permitted in the Bible, and Jesus prioritized rescue over rule-keeping (see Luke 13 and Rescue).
If you’re preaching this Valentine’s Day, remember: you may have abuse survivors in the room. Don’t shame the wounded while trying to defend marriage.
:
:
Buy PDF