7 Dangerous Teachings in Lies Women Believe That Can Harm Abused Wives

1. “Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage” is listed as a lie.

In the 2001 table of contents, that sentence appears as one of the “lies” women believe about marriage. (p. 9)

That statement matters. Before the reader even gets to the chapter on marriage, she has already been told what conclusion she is supposed to reach: that believing divorce may be better than remaining in a bad marriage is deception. Not discernment. Not protection. Not wisdom. Deception.

The phrase “bad marriage” doesn’t tell us what is going on behind closed doors. A bad marriage could mean ordinary disappointment. But it could also mean coercive control, sexual betrayal, emotional abuse, physical danger, financial abuse, abandonment, or a home that is harming children.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reported that in 2021 there were an estimated 4,970 female murder victims in the United States. Of those, 34% were killed by an intimate partner.That made intimate partner homicide by a current or past spouse or romantic partner the single largest known category of female murder victim-offender relationship.

In other words, for a significant number of women, the most dangerous person in their lives was not a stranger in a dark alley. It was the man who had once promised to love them. One suspects these women would have preferred divorce over death.

2. The book frames a wife’s desire to leave as part of a deceptive “spiral.”

The divorce section includes the thought, “If my husband doesn’t love and respect me, I have the right to leave him,” followed by, “I’m better off getting a divorce than staying in a miserable marriage.” (p. 157-158)

DeMoss presents this as a progression into deception. That is pastorally dangerous because many abused women already doubt themselves. They have been told they are too sensitive, too emotional, too unforgiving, too unsubmissive, or too selfish. This teaching reinforces the abuser’s script.

3. The book says a woman who wants to “bail out” is elevating her happiness and well-being above God’s Word.

In the marriage chapter, the desire to leave is described as putting “personal happiness and well-being” above what God says about marriage vows. (p. 158)

That pairing is chilling. “Happiness” and “well-being” are not the same thing. Safety is not selfishness. Sanity is not rebellion. Protecting children is not worldliness. In abusive marriages, “well-being” can mean the difference between survival and destruction.

4. “If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable” is listed as a lie.

Submission is treated as God’s pathway to freedom and safety. (pp. 9, 162-163, and in the new edition pp 173-176)

For women married to safe, loving, non-abusive men, this may sound like ordinary complementarian teaching. But for a woman married to a controlling or abusive husband, “submission” is often the very language used to silence her. A wife’s fear of submission may not be rebellion. It may be evidence that submission has already been weaponized against her.

5. “When we resist authority, we become more vulnerable to Satan’s attacks and to sin.”

6. The depression teaching links many symptoms to spiritual failure.

The 2001 edition says many symptoms connected with depression may be rooted in issues such as ingratitude, bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, anger, claiming rights, and self-centeredness. (p. 203-205, 212, and in the newer edition pp. 242-243)

The 2018 edition is somewhat more careful, but the pattern remains troubling. For women in abusive or destructive marriages, depression may be the body and mind responding to prolonged trauma. It is cruel to tell a suffering woman, directly or indirectly, that her despair is probably rooted in her own sin.

Women need competent medical care, trauma-informed counseling, safety planning, and community support. They do not need a Bible study implying that their depression is probably a sin problem.

7. The book spiritualizes suffering in ways that can silence victims.

The book repeatedly teaches women to endure hardship by trusting God’s purposes, relinquishing control, and choosing holiness over temporal happiness. (p. 264-265, and in the newer edition pp. 263-264)

There is a Christian way to talk about suffering that comforts the afflicted. But there is also a way to talk about suffering that protects the oppressor. When a woman is being harmed, the first pastoral question should not be, “How can she endure this more faithfully?” It should be, “How do we help her get safe, tell the truth, and stop the wickedness?”