When Church Teaching Trains Us to Reframe Danger Signs as Attractive Qualities
Sometimes the most dangerous relationship warning signs are hidden behind flattering language. Jealousy becomes “protectiveness.” Control becomes “strong leadership.” Cruel words become “honesty.”
In some Christian settings, people are taught to reinterpret troubling behavior instead of recognizing it clearly. That can leave good, faithful spouses confused, self-blaming, and vulnerable. Theresa Newberry’s story shows how easily danger signs can be renamed as attractive qualities.
I’m grateful to Theresa Newberry for allowing me to share her story and this eye-opening list.
Theresa wrote:
“I wanted to do everything a godly wife should do to keep my husband and marriage happy. Early in my Christian life, I attended women’s conferences and workshops because I had no healthy role model at home.
“One seminar taught us to take a husband’s negative traits and reinterpret them positively so we could accept him and make him happy. Looking back, I can see how I trained myself to accept emotional and verbal abuse in the name of Jesus.
“The problem was that no one taught us when troubling behavior should be recognized as abuse.”
Because of this teaching, Theresa did not recognize the abuse in her own marriage. She later found the old seminar list in her computer files and was stunned to realize she had once passed the same advice along to other women.
Not every church teaches this. But some Christian messages encourage us to explain away destructive behavior rather than look at it honestly.
How We Turn Red Flags into Compliments
The first column describes the behavior. The second shows how we may minimize it, excuse it, or give it a flattering name.
| Dangerous or Worrisome Behavior | How We May Reinterpret It |
|---|---|
| Overspending | “They’re generous.” |
| Jealousy | “They’re protective because they care.” |
| Possessiveness | “They’re devoted and loyal.” |
| Arrogance | “They’re self-assured.” |
| Immaturity | “They’re playful and charming.” |
| Stubbornness | “They’re persistent.” |
| Controlling behavior | “They’re strong-minded.” |
| Refusal to compromise | “They have strong convictions.” |
| Compulsive behavior | “They’re disciplined and steadfast.” |
| Picking fights | “They’re competitive.” |
| Chronic criticism | “They’re analytical.” |
| Explosive anger | “They’re passionate.” |
| Intrusiveness | “They just want to know me better.” |
| Suspicion and accusations | “They’re concerned about the relationship.” |
| Emotional coldness | “They’re calm and not very expressive.” |
More Ways We Explain Away Destructive Behavior
After I shared Theresa’s list on my private Facebook page, women and men added examples from their own lives.
| Dangerous or Worrisome Behavior | How We May Reinterpret It |
|---|---|
| Harsh criticism or deliberately hurtful comments | “They’re painfully honest.” |
| Manipulation | “They’re creative and persuasive.” |
| Irresponsibility | “They’re fun-loving.” |
| Reckless behavior | “They’re adventurous.” |
| Rudeness | “They’re authentic and tell it like it is.” |
| Lying | “They remember things differently.” |
| Secretiveness | “They’re a private person.” |
| Financial abuse | “They’re trying to improve our status.” |
| Intimidation | “They’re just intense.” |
| Drug or alcohol misuse | “They only use it to relax.” |
| Giving the silent treatment | “They’re quiet and need space.” |
| Repeatedly breaking promises | “They have a lot on their mind.” |
| Withholding important information | “They’re forgetful.” |
| Contempt and cruelty | “They have high standards.” |
| Refusing to discuss serious problems | “They need more time to decide.” |
| Displaying or pointing weapons | “They’re a strong protector.” |
| Chronic workaholism and neglect of a spouse or family | “That just shows what a hard worker they are.” |
A single unpleasant trait does not automatically tell us everything about a person. Patterns matter. Severity matters. Fear, coercion, threats, and the effect on you and your children matter.
Kindness does not require us to deny reality. Forgiveness does not mean calling dangerous behavior good. Jesus told his followers to be both innocent and wise.
When we recognize a serious problem, we may respond with denial, self-blame, or revelation: the moment when we finally allow ourselves to see what is happening.
You are not ungodly for noticing destructive behavior. You are not unloving for naming it truthfully.
For more on this, see chapter 10 in The Life-Saving Divorce.
Keep Reading
If this list helped you recognize something you have struggled to name, these articles may help you take the next step. You are not foolish for having trusted someone, and you are not ungodly for looking honestly at destructive behavior.
Recognizing Red Flags and Abuse
- Why You Did Not See the Red Flags—and Why It Is Not Your Fault
Many warning signs become clear only in hindsight. Being deceived is not the same as knowingly choosing abuse. - Am I the One Destroying the Relationship? Or Is This Abuse?
When blame and confusion have turned you against yourself, these questions may help you see the relationship more clearly. - What Is DARVO? How Abuse Survivors Are Silenced
Learn how a person may deny wrongdoing, attack the victim, and then claim to be the injured party. - The Bible Teaches Us to Get Away from Abusers
Scripture does not require us to remain within reach of someone who repeatedly harms, threatens, or oppresses us.
When Christian Teaching Adds Shame
- How to Defend Yourself Against “You Made Your Bed; Now Lie in It”
Even if you overlooked a warning sign, that does not obligate you to endure escalating betrayal, cruelty, or danger for the rest of your life. - Lies Women Believe: Why This Christian Bestseller Endangers Abused Wives
A closer look at teachings that may encourage abused spouses to blame themselves, remain silent, and keep trying harder. - When Divorce Is Called “Violence” but Abuse Is Not: What Sermons Reveal
Why do some sermons condemn the act of leaving more strongly than the behavior that made leaving necessary? - Are “Traditional Marriage Vows” Biblical? How Focus on the Family Misuses Them
Marriage vows should never be used to give a destructive spouse unlimited access to someone they continue to harm.
Biblical Reassurance and Hope
- God Hates Abuse
God sees oppression, cruelty, and treachery. He does not ask vulnerable people to pretend destructive behavior is loving or holy. - Adultery, Abuse, and Abandonment Are Biblical Grounds for Divorce
A biblical overview of the serious covenant violations that can make divorce necessary and morally permitted. - Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
You are not alone. Many respected pastors and Bible scholars believe abuse and severe neglect violate the marriage covenant. - What Is a Life-Saving Divorce?
Learn what I mean by a life-saving divorce and why many committed Christians ultimately leave marriages marked by abuse, infidelity, addiction, or abandonment.
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