Pastors: Think Twice Before Using Focus on the Family’s Marriage Ministry Materials

I am pro-marriage.

I have spent years defending covenant faithfulness, calling out serial infidelity, chronic abuse, deception, addiction, and exploitation. I believe in strong marriages.

But pastors, I need to say this plainly:

Before adopting Focus on the Family’s marriage ministry materials in your church, think carefully.

Not because marriage doesn’t matter.
Because safety does.
And because the presentation matters.

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Problem 1. In Focus on the Family (USA) Materials, Divorce Is Framed Primarily as a Cost to the Church

In Focus on the Family’s marriage-ministry materials for pastors, divorce is repeatedly described in institutional terms: decreased tithing, fewer volunteers, leadership gaps, increased pastoral strain.

The picture presented is this: when couples divorce, churches suffer.

But when divorce is framed primarily as an institutional loss, something subtle happens. The church becomes the injured party. The divorced person becomes the destabilizer.

That shift in emphasis matters.

Because sometimes the divorced person is not the cause of chaos — they are the survivor of it.

Focus on the Family already knows one driver behind that framing: in the LifeWay study they sponsored, 11% of pastors said divorce hurts their church’s reputation. That’s not a neutral insight—it’s a motive. If protecting “reputation” is part of the operating concern, it makes sense (and it’s troubling) that their marriage-ministry messaging spotlights church loss while downplaying what their own research found: many divorced believers kept serving and kept giving—often at the same level or more.

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Problem 2. Their Own Sponsored Research Tells a More Complicated Story

In 2015, Focus on the Family partnered with LifeWay Research to study 1,000 churchgoers who divorced.

The findings complicate the narrative.

A majority of divorced churchgoers reported donating the same or more money after divorce. Most continued serving. Most remained active in church life — even if they changed congregations.

These were not rebellious Christians abandoning their faith. Many were highly involved leaders before their marriages ended.

That distinction rarely makes it into marriage-ministry messaging.

Instead, divorce is described primarily as weakening the church.

Pastors deserve the full picture.

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What Focus on the Family’s Own Research Told Them vs. What They Tell Church Leaders

Focus on the Family commissioned LifeWay Research to survey 1,000 recently divorced Christians. To see the contrast clearly, compare what their sponsored research documented with how their marriage-ministry materials frame divorce.

Topic	What FOTF-Sponsored Research on Divorced Church Members Showed (LifeWay, 2015)	What FOTF-USA Tells Church Leaders
Who divorces	The study surveyed committed churchgoers — many were highly involved and serving before divorce.	Marriage health materials emphasize that stronger “conviction” protects marriages, implying divorce correlates with weaker faith.
Spiritual outcome after divorce	Most divorced believers remained active in church and reported ongoing faith engagement.	Divorce is framed primarily as crisis, breakdown, or failure to sustain covenant health. Positive post-divorce spiritual narratives are absent.
Giving after divorce	A majority of divorced Christians reported donating the same or more money after divorce.	Divorce is described as leading to significant declines in tithing and financial strain on churches.
Serving and volunteering	Many continued serving, though involvement sometimes shifted.	Divorce is described as creating leadership gaps and ministry loss.
Institutional impact	The research measured church participation effects but did not portray divorcees as abandoning faith wholesale.	Materials emphasize empty pews, loss of leaders, and increased pastoral burden. The church appears as the injured party.
Abuse framing	The divorcee study did not deeply analyze abuse dynamics.	Abuse is condemned verbally (“zero tolerance”), but divorce is not clearly affirmed as a legitimate long-term protective response.
Spiritual hierarchy (implicit)	The research showed committed believers still divorced despite effort.	“Convictional Christians” are presented as uniquely protected, creating an implicit equation: more spiritual devotion = less divorce.
Narrative center of gravity	Divorce is documented as a complex reality within faithful communities.	Marriage permanence is prioritized; divorce is framed primarily as destabilizing rather than as potential relief from harm.

It is also worth noting that in the 2015 LifeWay pastor survey sponsored by Focus on the Family, 11% of pastors reported that divorce had hurt their church’s reputation in the community (Marriage Ministry and the Cost of Divorce for Churches, p. 23). When divorce is viewed not only as a pastoral issue but as a reputational liability, the incentive subtly shifts. Divorce becomes something to prevent or minimize institutionally rather than something to understand fully — especially when abuse, coercion, or chronic betrayal are involved. That tension makes it even more important that marriage research and ministry materials be transparent, balanced, and abuse-aware.

Problem 3.  FOTF-USA and FOTF-Canada Have Different Views of the Research

Here is something pastors should know. There’s a big difference between Focus-USA and Focus-Canada and Australia.

Focus on the Family Canada also wrote about the 2015 LifeWay research.

And their tone was noticeably different.

The Canadian article emphasized:

• Troubled marriages are often silent.

• Couples in crisis are hard to distinguish until it is too late.

• There is a communication gap between what pastors believe they offer and what church members actually experience.

• Nearly one-third of divorced churchgoers told no one.

The emotional center of gravity was relational:
Why didn’t people feel safe speaking up?
Why didn’t they access help?
Why does silence persist?

Now compare that with how the Focus-U.S. marriage-ministry materials summarize the LifeWay findings.

Focus on the Family-USA emphasis repeatedly highlights:

• Loss of volunteers

• Loss of leaders

• Loss of giving

• Loss of attendance

• Loss of reputation

• Increased pastoral strain

Same sponsor.
Same research.
Very different emphasis.

FOTF-Canada’s takeaway reads like:
“People are struggling quietly. We must create safer environments.”

The FOTF-U.S. marriage-ministry framing reads like:
“Divorce costs the church. We must prevent it.”

That distinction matters.

Because when divorce is framed primarily as institutional loss, pastors are subtly trained to see divorce as destabilization.

When divorce is framed as hidden suffering, pastors are trained to look for people in pain.

Those are not the same reflexes.

And reflexes determine outcomes.

One narrative centers the human cost.
The other centers the institutional cost.
Pastors must decide which one will shape their ministry instincts.

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The Specific Focus on the Family Resources Being Promoted to Pastors

This article evaluates the following materials currently promoted by Focus on the Family:

• 5 Ways a Marriage Ministry Builds Healthy Churches and Marriages

• How to Build a Marriage Ministry (Greg Smalley)

• The 2025 State of the Family: Marriage Health in America report

• The 2015 LifeWay-sponsored study, Marriage Ministry and the Cost of Divorce for Churches

If you are a pastor researching these resources, this analysis is meant to help you evaluate how they align—or do not align—with one another.

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Problem 4. Abuse Is Named — But Not Structurally Integrated

In recent materials, Focus on the Family states there should be “zero tolerance” for domestic abuse and that it is not God’s will for someone to remain in an abusive situation.

That sounds strong.

But here is the pastoral question:

• Where is the clear affirmation that some divorces are legitimate, permanent relief from abuse?
• Where are the safety protocols?
• Where is the public theological clarity that covenant-breaking sin nullifies the expectation of lifelong endurance?

Without structural follow-through, “zero tolerance” becomes rhetorical rather than operational.

And pastors are left holding the tension.

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Problem 5. “Conviction” Is Framed as Protective — Which Creates a Spiritual Hierarchy

The Focus on the Family 2025 State of the Family: Marriage Health in America report emphasizes that “convictional Christians” have lower rates of marital crisis, but they didn’t ask why.

Structurally, it creates an implication:

More spiritual devotion = more marital protection.
Divorce = reduced conviction.

When research frameworks cannot account for deeply devout Christians whose marriages ended because of deception or abuse, the problem is not those believers.

It is their framework.

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Problem 6. Marriage Ministry Often Assumes Communication Skills Deficits — Not Sin

Premarital counseling. Coaching. Communication tools. Mentoring. Curriculum.

These are good things.

But much of modern marriage ministry assumes breakdown is primarily about poor communication or stress.

It is not always.

No amount of communication training fixes unrepentant exploitation and entitled behavior.

To borrow a phrase from a Christianity Today article, this kind of counsel can function as “a slow, sadistic death sentence.”

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Problem 7. The Risk to Your Church

If you adopt marriage-ministry materials without an abuse-informed lens:

• Victims may stay longer in dangerous situations.
• Spiritual pressure may be unintentionally applied.
• Divorce may be framed as failure rather than relief.
• Faithful divorcees may feel second-tier in their own church.

 

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A Better Way Forward

Before implementing any curriculum, ask:

• Do we have a written abuse protocol?
• Do we screen for coercive control before recommending reconciliation?
• Do we train leaders to recognize manipulation and deception?
• Do we affirm that divorce can be biblically legitimate in cases of abuse?
• Do we protect the vulnerable even when it costs the institution?

Marriage permanence is not the highest value in Scripture.
Truth is. Justice is. Protection of the oppressed is.

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Final Word to Pastors

You are shepherds.

Your first duty is not institutional stability.
It is the safety of the people in your care.

Some divorces weaken churches.
Some divorces save lives.

If a marriage ministry handbook cannot distinguish between those two realities, then you must.

Because you will stand before God not as a defender of statistics — but as a shepherd of souls.

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For more on Focus on the Family’s history of using research (some accurately, some inaccurately):

LIFEWAY STUDIES COMMISSIONED BY FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

1. Pastors need to think twice about using FOTF’s marriage ministry materials https://lifesavingdivorce.com/pastors-think-twice-focus-on-the-family-marriage-ministry/
   
2. FOTF commissioned LifeWay to study 1,000 divorcees. Why did they ignore the key takeaways https://lifesavingdivorce.com/lifeway-divorce-study-focus-on-the-family/
   
3. FOTF commissioned 3 studies on marriage, divorce, and pastors. They reveal a huge gap between the support that churches offer during marital crisis, and whether people avail themselves of the assistance. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/pastors-and-christian-divorcees-lifeway-surveys-church-divorce-gap/
   

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY ARTICLES

4. Major scientific and ethical errors in the FOTF article on “15 Questions Couples Should Ask Before Divorce.” https://lifesavingdivorce.com/15-questions-couples-should-ask-divorce/
   
5. 12 Half-truths in the article “How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?” https://lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfdivorce1/
   

HOPE RESTORED MARRIAGE INTENSIVES and RESTORING HOPE (FOCUS MARRIAGE THERAPY MANUAL)

6. Are their success claims for Hope Restored marriage intensives backed scientifically? No. See “The Truth About Focus on the Family’s “Hope Restored” Study: What the 2011 Research Really Says” https://lifesavingdivorce.com/hoperestoredfail/