When Hope Restored Stops the Process: Why You Can’t Choose Divorce Inside the Focus on the Family Marriage Intensive

by | Oct 9, 2025 | Focus on the Family, Hope Restored Marriage Intensive, Marriage Intensives & Retreats

💔 When Hope Restored Stops the Process: Why You Can’t Choose Divorce at Focus on the Family’s Marriage Intensive

If you’re reading this, you might be in a marriage that feels unbearable. Maybe you’ve prayed, waited, forgiven, and tried everything. Maybe your pastor or family told you Hope Restored—the Focus on the Family marriage intensive—was your “last chance,” and that they can do miracles.

You show up exhausted, terrified, and hopeful. You’re spending $3,000–$6,000 and trusting that the people leading it will see what’s really going on. You’re hoping for safety, honesty, and healing.

But here’s what the program actually does.

⚠️ Three Things You Never Knew About Hope Restored

What Really Happens Inside

Most people assume Hope Restored is a neutral professional marriage counseling program. It’s not. The Restoring Hope manual (2023) by Robert S. Paul, Robert K. Burbee, and Christine A. Arnzen makes it clear: divorce cannot be an acceptable outcome—no matter how destructive or unsafe the marriage. And they don’t believe it’s their job to stop your spouse’s bad behavior. Sources: All quotations below in blue are from Restoring Hope: Integrative Intensive Marital Therapy for Couples in Crisis (2023), by the leadership team of Hope Restored: Robert S. Paul, Robert K. Burbee, and Christine A. Arnzen.

1. Divorce Isn’t Allowed, No Matter How Destructive the Marriage

Hope Restored begins with a faith test. Before you’re accepted, you must agree that reconciliation is the only goal. The authors write:

“FMT therapists do not advise or encourage people to divorce… we prefer they take the issue before the Lord for His determination and direction.” (Restoring Hope, p. 189)

Applicants are asked one key question:

“If God were to perform a miracle… would you be willing to accept it?” (p. 190)

To join the program, you have to say yes. If you hesitate—or say no—you may be denied admission.

2. If You Change Your Mind, Therapy Ends

Once you’re in, that same rule still applies. If during the intensive you begin to feel that staying married is unsafe or unhealthy, therapy stops immediately.

“Spouses who are already determined to exit their marriage and reject the possibility of a miracle from God are respectfully and sensitively referred to other resources for marriage dissolution therapy.” (p. 191)

The book calls this a termination, not a transition. Hope Restored will not support you through a separation or divorce process—even if it’s for your safety or wellbeing.

3. Choosing Safety Is Seen as Rejecting a Miracle

Even though the authors briefly acknowledge that a person’s wellbeing matters more than staying married and even criticize church authorities for communicating that “the marriage is more important than the people within it” (pp. 189–190), they still frame a decision to divorce as rejecting God’s healing power:

“If the client is unwilling to work toward that objective [being open to a miracle], therapy is respectfully terminated.” (p. 191)

In practice, that means Hope Restored ends counseling for anyone who concludes that ending the marriage is the healthiest or safest path forward.

4. Reality Check: What Ethical Counseling Would Do Instead

In licensed, trauma-informed marriage and family therapy, the counselor’s duty is first to protect the client’s safety and autonomy—not to preserve a marriage at any cost.

  • Client Autonomy: Ethical counselors respect each client’s right to decide whether to stay, separate, or divorce. (ACA Code of Ethics A.1.a, A.4.b)
  • Safety First: When a relationship involves coercion, fear, or abuse, the therapist must screen, document risk, and create a safety plan—never continue joint sessions (couples counseling) that heighten danger.
  • Continued Care: Ethical clinicians provide transition support and referrals for trauma recovery, legal guidance, or individual counseling. They do not terminate therapy because a client decides to leave an unsafe or destructive marriage.

In short: Where Hope Restored’s approach demands faith in reconciliation, ethical counseling upholds faith in the client’s right to safety, dignity, and self-determination.

5. Real Safety vs. “Feeling Safe”

Hope Restored defines “safety” as emotional comfort: feeling heard or cared for (pp. 49–57, 254). But if you’re living with manipulation, threats, or violence, emotional comfort doesn’t protect you.

Real safety means a plan for protection, not polite conversation. It means danger assessment, emergency resources, and trauma-informed support. Hope Restored provides none of these.

In the book’s case study of “Jacob and Jana,” police had been called multiple times for suspected violence. Still, the couple was admitted to an intensive after only six weeks of counseling because a referring therapist said each could “maintain self-control and a safe environment.” (pp. 21–22) That isn’t a safety plan—it’s wishful thinking.

💡 What People Expect vs. What Hope Restored Actually Delivers

The chart below summarizes key differences between what most couples believe they’re paying for—and what Restoring Hope (2023) actually describes.

📊 Chart: The Gap Between Client Expectations and Hope Restored’s Claims

FMT stands for the Focus Marital Therapy model promoted and explained in the book Restoring Hope (2023). Scroll down.

CLIENT EXPECTATION HOW HOPE RESTORED’S FOCUS MARRIAGE THERAPY MODEL (FMT) HANDLES IT ETHICAL COUNSELING STANDARD
1. Clients expect pre-screening for safety and abuse before acceptance FMT: Admission based on willingness to reconcile, not safety screening.

“To be accepted… the answer must be yes… ‘If God were to perform a miracle…’” (p. 190)

Accepts couples with a history of “abuse dynamics” who assure therapists “they are sufficiently in command of their personal safety to participate… in… Hope Restored…” (p. 274).

Registration uses forms and interviews but is not a domestic violence or trauma screening; focus is willingness, history, and informed consent (pp. 17–18, 200).

Conduct structured screening for domestic violence, risk of harm, and psychological stability before any conjoint (couples) therapy. Joint work proceeds only if both parties can participate safely.
2. Expect safety protocols before traveling to the program FMT: Safety is discussed after the couple arrives, during early sessions—not verified before admission.

“FMT therapists begin overtly discussing safety early in the initial sessions…” (p. 200)

“One of the top orientation priorities is that the client feels safe, heard, respected, cared for, and understood.” (p. 254)

Some informal intake interviews and registration screening to evaluate safety, suitability, and readiness are described.

Establish safety planning and informed consent before therapy begins; implement clear emergency and separation procedures.
3. Expect clear plan for abuse or trauma cases FMT: Identifies these clients as “couples with abuse dynamics.” States that marriage therapy is not appropriate for such couples (pp. 271–272) or for couples with infidelity and substance abuse (p. 331).

“Marital therapy can intensify the cycle of abuse…” (p. 271)
“Either spouse reporting feeling ‘abused’ should be taken seriously and validated…” (pp. 272–273)

FMT calls for persistently abusive marriages to move to individual therapy if marriage therapy hasn’t worked.

While trauma is mentioned, there is no trauma-informed assessment or evidence-based trauma therapy. Abuse is often reframed as mutual dysfunction or lack of self-management rather than coercion and control. Responsibility for “managing safety” is placed on the victim.

Ethical marriage and family therapy maintains a zero-tolerance stance toward abuse and a duty to protect clients.

Screening and Risk Assessment: Clinicians screen for domestic violence before conjoint sessions; any credible sign is a contraindication. Duty is client safety (ACA A.1.a; AAMFT 1.10).

Victim Safety: Trauma-informed care removes victims from danger and validates their experience through individual therapy before joint couples work.

Perpetrator Accountability: Abuse arises from one partner’s misuse of power and control, not shared dysfunction. Counselors hold perpetrators accountable.

Professional counseling views abuse not as a “relationship dynamic” but a violation of safety and autonomy.

4. Expect safety plan for future risk FMT: Focus on emotional comfort, not protective planning.

“As clients begin to feel safe, they naturally open up.” (p. 57)
“Therapy interventions… clarifying boundaries of responsibilities.” (pp. 58–59)

Clients must assess their own safety; if risk is severe, they may be removed.

“…therapists are careful to process with spouses how they will attend to their [own] safety… On occasion… severity requires couples to exit the program.” (p. 274)

No safety plan for the trip home is mentioned.

Develop a written, confidential safety plan and coordinate with crisis or community resources.
5. Expect to be safe during the Hope Restored program FMT: Admission and continuation depend on spiritual readiness, not clinical testing (pp. 189–190). Safety at the intensive is the client’s responsibility.

Defines safety as a subjective feeling of emotional security, not an objective or professional assessment.

“If a person is confident in their ability to manage safety, they can monitor their own sense of safety and take any needed action to preserve it.” (p. 55)

“Clients… are encouraged to pass on participation if they are not comfortable.” (p. 254)

 Use standardized intake interviews and inventories to determine suitability, risks, and goals objectively.
6. Expect accountability measures to know whether an abusive or unfaithful spouse has truly changed FMT: Change defined by spiritual attitude; minimal external monitoring.

“If separation is prayerfully considered… [set] crystal-clear therapeutic objectives…” (pp. 189–190)

Objectives are statements of intent, not measurable change.

Set measurable goals and monitor progress; address harmful behavior through accountability agreements or referrals.
7. Expect screening for narcissism or coercive control FMT: No diagnostic screening; assumes mutual participation. Terms such as “narcissism,” “coercive control,” or “PTSD” do not appear in the manual. Assess for personality and control dynamics to ensure therapy safety and fairness.
8. Support if divorce is necessary FMT: Clients choosing divorce are released from the program.

“Spouses… determined to exit… are referred to other resources for marriage dissolution therapy.” (p. 190)

Although “terminating” the relationship [meaning divorce] is considered a successful outcome for highly distressed couples (p. 331), divorce is not an acceptable option at Hope Restored.

“…high marital distress may be reflective … abuse … A successful outcome… may include them deciding to terminate the relationship (Wood et al., 2005)…” (p. 331)

Despite warning against idolizing marriage (pp. 189–190), the model describes those who choose divorce as rejecting a miracle from God.

“If the client is unwilling to work toward that objective [open to a miracle], therapy is respectfully terminated.” (p. 191)

 Provide aftercare, transition counseling, and ensure ongoing safety regardless of marital outcome.

Safety and Beneficence: When abuse or credible fear exists, separation and safety planning are protective—not moral failure. Counselors help clients identify danger and reduce risk, not preserve marital status.

9. Expect evidence-based trauma or addiction recovery FMT: Relies on prayer/forgiveness methods.

“God, please help me calm down…” (p. 117)
“Heart Talk” (pp. 261–262);
“Forgiveness… present in liberal amounts.” (p. 298)

Use empirically supported trauma therapies (e.g., EMDR, CBT, CPT) and integrate addiction recovery protocols when indicated.
10. Expect transparent, measurable outcomes FMT: Reports emotional/spiritual outcomes; limited independent data.

“Improved communication,” “softening of posture,” “greater peace,” “increased hope.” (pp. 191–192)

The “84.5% still married” figure comes from a 2011 internal survey (not peer-reviewed or scientifically valid) of only 84 couples (8% response rate).

Publish transparent, peer-reviewed outcome data using validated measures; disclose limitations.
11. Expect therapist to make spouse change or repent FMT: This desire is labeled as a non-therapeutic goal to dismantle.

“Many arrive believing the therapist will join them in their personal agenda to change their spouse.” (pp. 251–253)

Client is redirected toward humility and self-examination.

Address harmful behaviors directly; protect vulnerable partners through boundaries and referrals if safety is threatened.
12. Expect healing of marriage or fixing of other spouse FMT: Confronted directly.

“We cannot fix what one partner refuses to own.” (p. 256)

Clients are told to focus on their own role in the “abusive dynamics” cycle.

Promote shared responsibility while recognizing power imbalances; avoid blaming victims or pushing premature reconciliation.
13. Expect therapist to take the side of the injured spouse FMT: Therapists avoid alliance with either spouse.

“The therapist must not join one spouse against the other…” (p. 260)

FMT warns therapists not to accept the perspective of the partner who describes themselves as a victim:

“Those who posture as an innocent victim… are at odds with the FMT approach.” (pp. 188–189)

 Maintain neutrality but confront abusive or manipulative conduct directly; prioritize safety and truth-telling.
14. Expect therapist to help decide whether to stay together or divorce FMT: Does not advise or encourage divorce. Refers decision to faith discernment.

“We prefer couples take the issue before the Lord for His determination.” (p. 189)

 Support informed decision-making through exploration of risk, wellbeing, and autonomy without imposing moral outcomes.
15. Expect guaranteed reconciliation FMT: Corrected as unrealistic; outcome left to God. (p. 190) Offer realistic prognosis; support reconciliation or safe separation based on progress and safety.
16. Expect therapist to prevent harm during sessions FMT: Clients decide if they feel safe and whether they wish to participate; therapist influence limited.

“Clients… are encouraged to pass on participation if they are not comfortable.” (p. 254)

 Set trauma-informed boundaries and provide active safeguards against emotional harm.
17. Expect closure through confession and justice through restitution or making amends FMT: Client is redirected toward forgiveness.

“Forgiveness… present in liberal amounts.” (p. 298)

 Facilitate accountability, restorative repair, and emotional processing; closure arises from empowerment, not forced forgiveness.

📈 Chart: How Restoring Hope Defines Success and Failure

Based on verified quotes from Restoring Hope: Integrative Intensive Marital Therapy for Couples in Crisis (Paul, Burbee, & Arnzen, 2023), supplemented by publicly available feedback from past participants.

TOPIC HOW FMT / RESTORING HOPE PRESENTS IT ETHICAL / PROFESSIONAL STANDARD
1. Definition of Success FMT measures success by whether couples remain married and report improved spiritual connection.

“At 24 months, 84.5% of couples were still married.” (p. 192)

Outcomes are expressed in spiritual or emotional terms: “improved communication,” “softening of posture,” “greater peace,” “increased hope.” (pp. 191–192)

 Ethical researchers define success using validated, measurable outcomes for safety, emotional wellbeing, and relational functioning.
“Staying married” alone is not a sufficient or ethical outcome measure.
2. How “Failure” Is Framed When couples separate or divorce, FMT attributes it to the clients’ lack of faith or unwillingness to accept God’s miracle.

“Spouses who are already determined to exit their marriage and reject the possibility of a miracle from God are… referred to other resources for marriage dissolution therapy.” (p. 191)

The manual adds that some enter “under false pretenses and with a hidden agenda.” (p. 191)

 Ethical therapy recognizes that ending a harmful or unsafe marriage can be a positive therapeutic outcome when it supports client safety and autonomy.
Professionals define failure through unmet clinical goals, not spiritual resistance.
3. Missing Data and Non-Responders The “84.5% still married” rate is from an internal Focus on the Family survey with only 8% of participants responding. (2011)
No data is provided on couples who dropped out, divorced, or declined follow-up.
No independent or peer-reviewed replication exists.		 Professional standards (APA, ACA, AAMFT) require transparent data reporting, inclusion of all participants, and independent review.
Excluding attrition or adverse outcomes biases research and misrepresents effectiveness.
4. Acknowledgment of Abuse or Contraindicated Cases FMT quotes outside research (Wood et al., 2005) stating that in some cases “termination of the relationship” may be a successful outcome (p. 331) but does not apply this principle within Hope Restored, where divorce remains unacceptable. Ethical, trauma-informed practice halts joint sessions when abuse or danger is present and prioritizes safety planning and individual care.
5. Therapist Accountability for Outcomes FMT does not discuss therapist or program responsibility for failed cases.
Client “readiness,” “humility,” and “surrender” are cited as determining success.

“Many arrive believing the therapist will join them in their personal agenda to change their spouse.” (p. 252)

Resistance is framed as lack of faith or teachability.

 Ethical programs evaluate therapist competence, client safety, and model efficacy.
Accountability rests with the clinician, not the client’s spiritual posture.

Additional Context: Independent analysis and informal surveys of former Hope Restored participants paint a more complex picture. Many describe feeling unprepared for the program’s theological framework and disappointed that their safety concerns or trauma histories were reframed as “spiritual issues.” Others report that after completing the intensive, they later separated or divorced—often without follow-up care, referrals, or post-program contact. [1] [2]

These accounts highlight the gap between the book’s reported success rate and the lived experiences of those who found the model unhelpful or even retraumatizing. Personal testimonies, survivor accounts, and independent surveys can offer essential perspective beyond published data.

Summary: In Restoring Hope, marital endurance is portrayed as proof of divine intervention, while separation or divorce is framed as a lack of faith.
Ethical, evidence-based practice instead measures success by growth in safety, wellbeing, and informed autonomy—and accepts that sometimes the healthiest outcome is separation.

[1]  What 44 past attendees of Hope Restored said about their experience and their current marital status. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/hoperestoredattendees

[2] Explanation of an informal independent survey of 330 past participants of Christian marriage intesives and retreats, including Hope Restored. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/marriageintensives

🌱 You Deserve Safety First

If your spouse threatens, controls, or harms you, you are not obligated to reconcile. God values your life and safety more than your marital status.

A real therapist’s job is to help you live, not just stay married.

  • You deserve to be believed.

  • You deserve trauma-informed care.

  • You deserve a plan that keeps you safe.

📚 Sources

Paul, R. S., Burbee, R. K., & Arnzen, C. A. (2023). Restoring Hope: Healing from the Heart of Your Marriage. Focus on the Family Publishing.
Paul, R. S., Burbee, R. K., Smalley, G. L., & Thurman, C. K. (2011). Integrative Marital Intensive Therapy: A Strategy for Marriages in Crisis. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 30(1), 37-50.

🙏 If You Need Help Right Now

If your marriage feels unsafe—emotionally, physically, or spiritually—you are not alone, and you do not have to stay in harm’s way to prove your faith.
You deserve safety, support, and people who believe you.

All of these resources are free and confidential:

🇺🇸 United States

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call or text 988, then press 1, or chat at thehotline.org.
    (Available 24/7. Faith-based and secular advocates available on request.)

  • FaithTrust Institute — faithtrustinstitute.org — faith-centered training and survivor support.

🇨🇦 Canada

  • ShelterSafe.ca — Find local shelters by province.

  • Talk 4 Healing (Ontario) — Call or text 1-855-554-HEAL (4325) — multilingual support for women.

🇬🇧 United Kingdom

  • National Domestic Abuse Helpline — Call 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, free, confidential).

  • Restored UK — restored-uk.org — Christian network supporting survivors of domestic abuse.

🇦🇺 Australia

  • 1800 RESPECT — Call 1800 737 732 or chat at 1800respect.org.au.

  • Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria — dvrcv.org.au — information and faith-inclusive resources.

  • ⚠️ False Marketing Claims by Hope Restored Marriage Intensives

    💭 Hope Restored Marriage Intensives Don’t Meet Expectations

    • When Hope Restored Stops the Process: Why You Can’t Choose Divorce Inside the Intensive
      Therapists are instructed to terminate counseling if one spouse decides to divorce—effectively punishing honesty and autonomy. 🔗 lifesavingdivorce.com/hoperestoreddivorce/
    • Hope Restored of False Hope: Inside the Unverified Science of Focus on the Family’s Marriage Intensive
      Only ~20% of past attendees responded to the program’s own survey, and there wasn’t enough long-term data at 12 or 24 months to analyze change. 🔗 https://lifesavingdivorce.com/hoperestoredrealstory/

Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians.” Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome.  I’ve also written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. You may also sign up for my email list below.

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