Terrible Forgiveness Articles That Blame Victims and Excuse Predators
Some Christian forgiveness articles sound compassionate at first. They talk about grace, freedom, bitterness, healing, and “letting go.” But when abuse is involved, some of these articles quietly shift attention away from the offender’s choices and onto the victim’s anger, grief, or supposed “failure to forgive.”
That is dangerous.
Forgiveness does not erase accountability. Honor does not require access. Compassion does not cancel protection. Forgiveness doesn’t equal renewed trust. And Christian victims are not required to make predators feel better about what they did.
This is a collection of Christian forgiveness articles I believe should be read with extreme caution—especially by abuse survivors, adult children of abusive parents, and pastors who counsel wounded people. (For comparison, I included one good article at the end.)
The Pattern: DARVO in Theological Clothing
Many of these articles follow a pattern survivors recognize instantly. The offender is softened. The victim’s anger becomes the urgent spiritual problem. The pressure to forgive becomes more important than truth, repentance, restitution, or safety.
That is DARVO in theological clothing: minimize the offender, pathologize the victim’s response, reverse responsibility.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In abuse dynamics, it is one of the ways offenders avoid responsibility. In Christian forgiveness teaching, it can sound gentle, spiritual, and even biblical—but it still functions the same way.
Here is how it often shows up:
- Deny or minimize: The abuse is either denied (“that never happened”) or minimized (“you overreacted”), or the abuser is excused through “brokenness,” “emotional blindness,” “limitations,” “wounds,” or “family conflict.”
- Attack or redirect: The victim’s anger, grief, fear, or boundaries become the real problem.
- Reverse Victim and Offender: The offender becomes the pitiful person who needs compassion, while the victim becomes the spiritually dangerous person who must change.
And when victims talk about what happened, they are often accused of wanting revenge.
That accusation is another form of reversal. Truth-telling is framed as cruelty. Warning others is framed as bitterness. Naming abuse is framed as “destroying someone’s reputation.” The victim’s desire for safety, accountability, and honest naming becomes treated as a sinful appetite for vengeance.
But telling the truth is not revenge. Reporting abuse is not revenge. Setting boundaries is not revenge. Protecting children is not revenge. Warning others about a dangerous person is not revenge.
Revenge says, “I want to harm you.” Truth says, “I will no longer help hide the harm you caused.”
In these articles, the abusive parent or offender is often presented as wounded, limited, confused, lonely, aging, or spiritually needy. But the victim is warned about bitterness, resentment, hatred, unforgiveness, or the possibility of becoming like the abuser.
That reversal is the danger.
Victims do not need articles that make them feel guilty for needing distance. They need clarity. They need protection. They need truth. And they need Christian teaching that does not make “forgiveness” into a tool of control.
1. James Dobson’s Article on Resentment Toward a Father
James Dobson’s article about resentment and anger toward a father became especially disturbing after Jeffrey Epstein reportedly sent it to a victim as moral correction. I wrote about that here: Why James Dobson’s Article Is So Useful to Predators.
The problem is not that Dobson openly approves of abuse. The problem is that his framework does something predators need done for them. It softens the father’s cruelty, redirects attention toward the daughter’s anger, and places the moral burden on the wounded person to adjust.
When Christian advice tells victims to lower expectations, manage exposure, and stop hoping for justice—without clearly naming the offender’s responsibility—it can train victims to adapt to harm instead of escaping it.
That is why predators recognize this kind of counsel immediately. It does not have to say, “Abuse is fine.” It only has to say, “Your anger is the real danger.”
2. Ed Chinn’s “Forgiveness in the Family” at Focus on the Family
Ed Chinn’s “Forgiveness in the Family” is gentler than Dobson’s, but it pulls in a similar direction.
The article names real wrongdoing: a chronically unfaithful, family-destroying father. But watch what happens next. The turning point is not repentance, restitution, or sustained change. The turning point is the son’s decision to forgive.
Chinn writes that forgiveness “takes everyone off the hook.” But forgiveness does not take everyone off the hook. It does not erase responsibility, consequences, truth-telling, restitution, or protection.
Even more concerning, the son is warned that he will soon “face the same failure” as his father unless he forgives. The implication is chilling: the son’s failure to forgive is portrayed as the trigger for his own future sin.
That is not pastoral care. That is spiritual pressure.
3. Focus on the Family’s “Father Was Abusive: What Does It Mean to Honor Him?”
This Focus on the Family Q&A includes some better statements. It says forgiveness does not erase responsibility and that distance may be appropriate. Those are important.
But then it still tells the adult child that “the only way” to move forward in healing is to forgive the abusive father.
That is too absolute.
Victims heal in different ways and at different speeds. Some are still trying to understand what happened. Some are newly safe. Some are dealing with trauma, panic, grief, spiritual confusion, or family pressure. Telling them there is only one path forward can make them feel spiritually defective if they are not ready.
A safer article would say: You are not guilty for keeping your distance. You do not owe access. Healing takes time. God is not rushing you.
4. Desiring God’s “How Can I Forgive My Parents for Childhood Abuse?”
Desiring God’s article on forgiving abusive parents responds to a person who feels like a failure as a Christian because they struggle to forgive abusive parents.
That is already a fragile situation. A wounded person is not merely asking a theological question. They are carrying shame.
In these cases, Christian teachers must be very careful not to increase the victim’s burden. Abuse victims do not need to be pushed first toward a performance of forgiveness. They need to know that God sees what happened. They need to know abuse was evil. They need to know lament, anger, and grief are not signs of spiritual failure.
Any forgiveness teaching that moves too quickly past naming evil can leave victims feeling that their pain is the problem.
5. “How I Forgave My Abuser” Testimony Articles
Some forgiveness articles are personal testimonies, and I want to be careful with those. A survivor has every right to describe what forgiveness meant in their own healing.
For example, “How I Forgave My Abuser” describes one person’s journey toward forgiveness. That may be sincere and meaningful for that person.
But testimony becomes dangerous when churches turn it into a prescription for everyone else.
When one survivor says, “Forgiveness helped me,” that may be true. But when a pastor, counselor, parent, or spouse uses forgiveness teachings to pressure another victim to forgive faster, reconcile sooner, drop boundaries, or stop talking about what happened, the story becomes a weapon.
No survivor’s healing path should be used to silence another survivor’s safety needs.
6. “Call Your Abuser and Ask Forgiveness” Articles
Some Christian articles go even further. They describe abuse, anger, and healing prayer in a way that places the burden back on the abused person to apologize for hatred, resentment, or bitterness toward the abuser.
For example, Renovaré’s “Abuse, Anger & Healing Prayer” describes a healing process that includes contacting an abusive father and asking forgiveness.
That may be one person’s experience. But it should never become general advice for abuse victims.
Scripture never tells victims to repent for wanting safety. It never tells them to apologize for naming evil. It never commands them to give dangerous people access to them.
Yes, bitterness can damage the soul. But righteous anger is not the same thing as bitterness. Grief is not sin. Trauma responses are not rebellion. And refusing contact with an abusive parent may be wisdom, not unforgiveness.
A Better Christian Article: The Gospel Coalition’s Jennifer Greenberg Gets It Right
Thankfully, not every Christian article teaches forgiveness this way.
Jennifer Greenberg’s article, “Honoring Your Father When He’s Evil” at The Gospel Coalition, gives the kind of clarity victims need.
Greenberg writes:
“An honorable response to sin is confronting it… and reporting crimes to law enforcement.”
She also says:
“Keeping the fifth commandment means refusing to submit to evil parents.”
That is the missing piece in so much Christian forgiveness teaching.
Honor does not mean silence. Forgiveness does not mean pretending evil was small. Reconciliation is not owed to the unrepentant. And “family” is not a sacred shield for predators.
What Victims Need to Hear
If you were abused by a parent, spouse, pastor, or other trusted person, you do not have to rush your healing to make other Christians comfortable.
You may forgive and still report crimes.
You may forgive and still refuse contact.
You may forgive and still tell the truth.
You may forgive and still protect your children.
You may forgive and still say, “You may not have access to me anymore.”
Jesus never asked victims to make predators look good. He told us to care for the wounded, expose evil, protect the vulnerable, and walk in truth.
Christian forgiveness should never be used to silence the hurting or excuse the harmful. Any teaching that does that is not good news for victims. It is good news for predators.
Sources
- Gretchen Baskerville, “Why James Dobson’s Article Is So Useful to Predators,” LifeSavingDivorce.com.
- Gretchen Baskerville, “What Is DARVO? How Abuse Survivors Are Silenced by Deny, Attack, and Reverse,” LifeSavingDivorce.com.
- Ed Chinn, “Forgiveness in the Family,” Focus on the Family.
- “Father Was Abusive: What Does It Mean to Honor Him?” Focus on the Family.
- John Piper, “How Can I Forgive My Parents for Childhood Abuse?” Desiring God.
- “How I Forgave My Abuser,” The Gospel Coalition Canada.
- Donn Charles Thomas, “Abuse, Anger & Healing Prayer,” Renovaré.
- Jennifer Greenberg, “Honoring Your Father When He’s Evil,” The Gospel Coalition.
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