When Saying “Divorce Is Contagious” Misses the Real Story
A response to Erin Smalley—and the Christians who spoke up against her view
In 1998, I met a woman in a Sunday school class who quietly changed my understanding of faith, marriage, and community.
She was a divorced mother raising four children under age ten on a low-paying job and almost no child support. Week after week during prayer time, she asked for small, urgent things: that her old car would keep running, that she could cover an ER bill, or that there would be enough money for groceries so her kids could have a modest birthday celebration.
What struck me wasn’t her need—it was her faith. Despite overwhelming hardship, she sensed God’s presence constantly. She wasn’t reckless or bitter or contagious. She was faithful.
That encounter led to the formation of a small church-based group for single mothers. For years, we met weekly during Sunday school hours—sharing stories, Scripture, tears, prayer, and practical help. Some gathered during the week, took walks, and prayed together. None of us were professionals. We were survivors offering hope to one another.
It became the healthiest Christian community I’ve ever known.
Which is why I bristle when divorce is framed as a social disease, a framing that often leads people to pull away from those who needed a life-saving divorce.
Erin Smalley and the “Divorce Contagion” Claim
In her Focus on the Family article, “How Do I Stay Married When My Friends Are Divorcing?”, Erin Smalley argues that divorce functions as a kind of social contagion—citing studies suggesting people are more likely to divorce if someone in their social circle does.
Her advice sounds reasonable on the surface: strengthen your marriage while supporting your divorcing friends.
But the framing matters. And the response to the article revealed just how much harm that view causes.
The Facebook comment section told a very different story.
What the Comments Revealed
Roughly two-thirds of commenters pushed back—hard.
Divorced readers said they felt blamed, feared, or quietly abandoned. Many named the same experience: friend flight. Married friends pulling away. Churches going silent. Social isolation justified by articles warning that divorce is “contagious.”
Others corrected the premise entirely:
“We don’t have a divorce problem. We have an adultery and abuse problem.”
“…the worst thing you can do…is to stay away…because you think it’s ‘contagious.’ …they need you the most.”
“…articles like this only support the ‘friend flight’…”
“…not sure if it’s TRUE? Perpetuates a negative stigma… Stop making marriage a God.”
“PLEASE NOTE…getting the crap beat out of you… RUN & GET OUT!”
Again and again, people named the real marriage destroyers: infidelity, violence, deception, addiction, and chronic neglect. Divorce, they said, wasn’t the disease—it was the emergency response.
Theological confusion surfaced immediately. Familiar church slogans collided with lived reality:
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“There’s only one biblical reason.”
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“Bad company corrupts good character.”
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“Just forgive.”
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“Stay no matter the cost.”
Abused women spoke anyway. Betrayed husbands spoke anyway. Survivors refused to let divorce be reduced to trend-following or spiritual weakness.
Married commenters split into two clear camps:
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Fear-based boundary setters (“step away,” “protect yourself,” “find new friends”)
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Compassion-based supporters (“love people,” “don’t judge,” “you don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors”)
That divide matters—because churches choose one posture or the other every day.
The Truth vs. the Lies About “Divorce Contagion”
Truth #1: Support is not contagion.
Being around other Christians who’ve walked through divorce can bring clarity, courage, and hope. That’s not moral decay—that’s discipleship. Scripture never treats suffering as something to quarantine.
Truth #2: Almost everything spreads socially.
Marriage, childbirth, church attendance, generosity, even prayer habits cluster socially. No one panics about “marriage contagion.” We only label something “contagious” when we’re afraid of what it might reveal.
Truth #3: Churches are terrified of admitting that divorce can sometimes be good.
Not good in itself—but good as protection. Good as relief. Good as a way out of bondage. So instead of confronting marriage-endangering sin, institutions redirect fear toward friendships.
That’s not theology. That’s damage control.
Greg Smalley, Silence, and Selective Compassion
It’s worth noting—without spectacle—that Erin Smalley’s own daughter divorced several years ago. Her husband Greg Smalley later wrote publicly about it in a way that carefully preserved Focus on the Family’s institutional stance.
That contrast is telling.
When divorce is theoretical, it’s framed as dangerous. When it’s personal, it becomes complicated, nuanced, and quietly managed. That tension was not lost on readers.
Why I Eventually Left My Church
For years after my own divorce, my church was supportive. I led divorce recovery groups. Women came from other congregations. We saw, up close, that abuse and betrayal were just as devastating as adultery—often worse.
But between 2005 and 2010, something shifted. A permanence-only view hardened. Sermons repeated the line: “Divorce never makes anything better.”
I knew that wasn’t true. I heard the stories every week. I watched divorce bring safety, peace, and stability to families living in chaos.
When I was invited to share my testimony publicly, I was asked to tone down the hope. To appear more ashamed. I couldn’t do it.
I told the truth anyway—about God’s faithfulness, restoration, and provision. The congregation applauded. People reached out. But the institutional message never changed.
Eventually, I left—not because I loved marriage less, but because I took it seriously enough to confront what destroys it. Like nearly 6 of 10 divorcees, I switched to another church.
A Better Way Forward
If churches truly want to strengthen marriages, we need to stop blaming proximity to divorced people and start naming marriage-endangering sin.
Divorce is not the crisis. Abuse, adultery, addiction, and deception are.
Friends may be an accelerant; they aren’t the fire.
Strong marriages aren’t protected by fear and avoidance. They’re protected by honesty, repentance, accountability, and grace.
And sometimes, the most faithful thing a church can do is stand beside someone whose marriage has already burned down—and help them walk toward the light.
#DivorceContagion
#FaithAndCommunity
#SafeChurches
#ChurchCulture
#DivorceRecovery
#LifeSavingDivorce
#AbuseAwareness
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