When “Divorce Is Contagious” Misses the Real Story

A response to Erin Smalley—and the people who protested her interpretation in the comments

Erin Smalley’s Focus on the Family article, “How Do I Stay Married When My Friends Are Divorcing?” is built around a provocative idea: divorce is contagious.

Citing social science research, Smalley suggests that when divorce shows up in your social circle, it raises your own risk of divorce—and that couples should respond by fortifying their marriages while supporting their divorcing friends.

On the surface, that might sound reasonable. But the Facebook comment section exploded and most readers pushed back.  About 2 in 3 commenters, both women and men, told a far more revealing story—one that exposes the unintended damage of describing divorce as a social disease. (See their comments below.)

What the Article Argues

Smalley makes several core claims:

• Divorce tends to cluster in communities, churches, and friend groups.

• Seeing others divorce can subtly shift what feels “acceptable” in your own marriage.

• Couples can protect themselves by strengthening their marriage while still offering support.

The problem isn’t that marriage-strengthening is bad advice. The problem is what the article amplifies—and what it minimizes.

It also matters where those conclusions come from. Smalley relies on Focus on the Family sources that have a documented history of poor scholarship and unsafe counsel for abuse victims—most notably Angela Bisignano’s article “Is Divorce the Right Answer?”, which misquotes researchers, minimizes abuse, adds words to Scripture, and never condones divorce for any type of abuse, including child abuse. I’ve fact-checked that article in detail here: [link].

What the Comments Revealed

The responses from readers—many of them Christians—were not shallow reactions. They were lived theology.

Here’s what emerged clearly:

1. Divorced readers felt blamed, feared, or abandoned.

Multiple commenters named the same painful outcome: friend flight.
They described stigma, isolation, and the quiet withdrawal of married friends and churches after divorce. This pattern of isolation is one reason churches often wound the very people Christ calls us to protect. (See Abuse and Kids → https://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-and-kids/)

Several said plainly: articles like this don’t strengthen marriages—they justify the rejection of abused or betrayed spouses and children.

“If I were married and read this, I’d think it was saying ditch your divorced friends or risk their fate.”

That fear is not theoretical. It’s already happening.

2. Many reframed the issue correctly.

Again and again, commenters corrected the premise:

“We don’t have a divorce problem. We have an adultery and abuse problem.”

Readers pointed to infidelity, abuse, deception, addiction, and chronic neglect as the real forces that destroy marriages. Divorce, they argued, is not the disease—it’s the symptom.

Divorce is often the final step after long-standing harm, not a sudden moral failure. (See The Bible Tells Us to Run From Abusers → https://lifesavingdivorce.com/runfromabusers/)

3. Theological confusion surfaced immediately.

The comments revealed conflicting views:

• “There’s only one biblical reason.”

• “Bad company corrupts good character.”

• “Just forgive.”

• “Stand for your marriage whatever the cost.”

These church slogans collided head-on with lived reality: battered spouses, abandoned partners, betrayed husbands and wives who had prayed, forgiven, endured—and were still harmed. Scripture names treachery and violence as covenant-breaking sins. (See Abuse in the Bible → https://lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible/)

The article never addressed that tension directly. The commenters had to.

4. Survivors spoke up anyway.

Despite the risk of judgment, survivors corrected the narrative in real time.

• Abused women named violence.
• Abandoned spouses named betrayal.
• Betrayed husbands named lifelong trauma.

They refused to let divorce be reduced to trend-following, moral weakness, or spiritual immaturity.

Their message was consistent: you cannot talk honestly about marriage without talking honestly about marriage-destroying sin.

5. Married commenters split into two camps.

The thread revealed a clear divide:

Fear-based boundary setters

• “Step away.”

• “Protect yourself.”

• “Find new friends.”

• “Don’t let their problems spill over.”

Compassion-based supporters

• “Love people.”

• “Don’t judge.”

• “Support without assuming.”

• “You don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors.”

That split matters. Because churches choose one posture or the other every day.

The Problem With the “Contagion” Frame

Calling divorce “contagious” shifts attention away from personal responsibility for sin and harm and places it on friendships instead.

It subtly suggests:

• Divorced people are dangerous.

• Their stories can destabilize a good marriage.

• Their presence threatens your covenant.

That is not a biblical view of suffering, sin, or community.

Scripture repeatedly calls God’s people toward the wounded—not away from them.

A Better Way to Talk About Marriage

If the goal is truly to strengthen marriages, a more faithful approach would:

• Name abuse, adultery, sexual immorality, addiction, and deception directly.

• Refuse to stigmatize those who escaped harm.

• Equip churches to support both marriage repair and necessary divorce.

• Stop treating marriage itself as the highest good rather than love, truth, and safety.

Strong marriages aren’t protected by avoiding divorced people.
They’re protected by honesty, repentance, accountability, and grace.

God never asks victims to preserve appearances at the cost of truth. (See Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant? → https://lifesavingdivorce.com/unconditional-2/)

It’s also worth noting—without speculation or commentary—that divorce is not an abstract issue for the Smalley family. Erin Smalley’s adult daughter divorced several years ago, according to public statements by her father Greg Smalley.  That lived reality reinforces what many commenters were pointing out: divorce is rarely about imitation or trend-following, and far more often about harm, betrayal, or a marriage that could not be made safe.

Final Word

The comments on Erin Smalley’s article did something the article itself did not: they told the truth out loud.

And that truth can be summed up simply:

Divorce is not the crisis.
Marriage-endangering sins are.

Friends may be an accelerant.
They aren’t the fire.

If you want marriages to last, stop blaming friendship and empathy—and start confronting the sins that actually burn them down.

For a deeper biblical framework, see Malachi and Divorce → https://lifesavingdivorce.com/malachi/

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For readers interested in how this same “divorce contagion” narrative is being examined outside conservative Christian spaces, The Salt Lake Tribune recently published a thoughtful analysis arguing that what’s often labeled “contagion” may actually be anxiety about women comparing notes. I don’t share all of the author’s assumptions, but the historical pattern she identifies is worth considering. [Link]

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#DivorceIsNotContagious #ChurchToo #MarriageTruth #AbuseAwareness