Someone in my online Christian divorce group told me: “We saw five Christian marriage counselors—all of them with master’s degrees and licenses—and we still divorced. Why couldn’t they make a difference?”
She continued, “My husband was involved with illegal and immoral behavior, but hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars were wasted in marriage counseling. Nothing made him stop, or at least not for more than 90 days. Now I wish I had done individual counseling instead.”
Finally, she concluded:
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“I believe in individual counseling, but couples counseling kept me hoping for change in a situation that was truly harmful, rather than empowering me to protect myself.”
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When a marriage has serious issues like abuse, addictions, manipulation, sexual immorality, or constant disrespect, counseling can sometimes make a person stay longer in the hope that things will improve, even when real change isn’t happening.
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She said, “Marriage counseling put the responsibility on me to ‘fix things,’ when the real problem was my spouse’s destructive behavior.”
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In deeply troubled marriages where there is marriage-destroying sin, couples counselors may unintentionally suggest both partners are equally responsible for the problems, even if one person’s hurtful actions are the real issue.
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She admitted, “Talking in marriage counseling didn’t change the reality at home; things stayed the same or got worse.”
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Even if someone voices their concerns in therapy, going to marriage counseling week after week—spending thousands of dollars a year—can make a person feel like they’re doing something productive, while the negative behaviors continue outside those sessions.
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She figured out: “I always walked away thinking I had not tried hard enough to be a good spouse, instead of supported in seeing the truth: my husband is not going to change.”
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Couples counseling in challenging marriages can sometimes make people feel guilty for considering leaving, reinforcing a sense of duty to keep working on a relationship that may be unsafe or unsalvageable.
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In hindsight, she realized, “Couples counseling delayed my decision to leave, making me endure more pain before accepting it was time to let go.”
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For those in marriages with a pattern of marriage-endangering behavior, support focused only on relationship preservation can prolong suffering and increase the damage done to spouse and children, instead of helping someone find the courage to choose a healthier path.
- Although some of the counselors gave valuable insights, none of them ever said, “You are in danger and you’ve tried everything and turned over every stone. You’ve tried hard enough.”
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This is why you should go to individual counseling, not couples counseling.
It is usually counterproductive to go to couples counseling or marriage counseling when one spouse is cheating, violent, emotionally cruel, addicted to substances, or neglects their duty. It ends up penalizing the good spouse and reduces the responsibility of change for the abuser or cheater. More about the dangers of couples counseling here: Marriage Counseling in Abusive Situations is Unethical. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/couplescounseling/
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