Book Review: Before You Say “I Do” (Norman Wright & Wes Roberts)
A premarital workbook that ignores abuse, addictions, and other red flags
UPDATE 2026: This book has sold more than 1 million copies and achieved an ECPA Platinum Award. It still tops the Amazon rankings for Christian premarital books. (For a newer premarital book, see the review of Ready to Wed?)
BEFORE YOU SAY “I DO” was published in the 1970s. I went through this Christian premarital workbook 40 years ago, before I married a man I met at my church.
But later I had to divorce. I didn’t want to divorce. I needed to divorce. It was a life-saving divorce. The red flags were there before the wedding. Why didn’t this book warn me to pause, or stop, or call off the wedding?
A Bestselling Workbook That Never Mentions Serious Danger
I’m not going to blame my divorce on this book, but Before You Say “I Do” never addresses abuse, addictions, domestic violence, intimidation, sexual deviations, or other serious marriage-endangering problems.
About ten years after my divorce, I found a box of wedding keepsakes in the garage. One item was this fill-in-the-blank workbook we used during premarital counseling at church. I opened it again, wondering what I had missed.
On the first page, it promised to help couples “decrease the risk element in marriage.” But it doesn’t do that very well.
Minor Problems, Not Major Red Flags
The workbook contains good Bible passages about God’s purpose in marriage, but the examples of marital struggles are mostly minor—communication issues that any kind-hearted couple can usually solve by listening better and compromising.
This curriculum offers no meaningful screening for danger, abuse, addiction, or other serious red flags. There is no guidance for pastors on when to postpone or cancel a wedding.
Infidelity Is Mentioned Once
The word infidelity appears only once, with the comment that such behavior would be “out of the question” in Christian marriage. No warning is given to avoid marrying someone sexually immoral—despite the fact that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce in the U.S.
Infidelity is a serious problem in thousands of Christian marriages, and in multiple studies of divorce, including divorces involving Christian couples, it is consistently mentioned at or near the top. Simply professing sincere faith does not guarantee sexual faithfulness.
Control and Intimidation Are Minimized
The workbook briefly mentions “domination” and “unfair use of anger,” but no alarm is sounded and no advice is given about postponing a wedding or seeking professional help.
One example describes being overly controlling with money—questioning receipts—and simply says, “This is not how to start a marriage.” But that’s too understated. Financial control is a major red flag for abuse.
A Word About “Unconditional Covenant”
The workbook calls marriage an “unconditional covenant” (page 5). That sounds strong and spiritual. But it can be misunderstood.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean staying no matter how someone treats you. Love is not a promise of access, no matter how someone behaves.
Some Christian books clearly address abuse and serious sin. This one does not.
When marriage is framed as “unconditional” without warnings about addiction, coercion, or chronic betrayal, engaged couples may assume they must endure serious harm after the wedding.
Scripture calls us to faithfulness—but also to separate from those who claim Christ while living in destructive sin (1 Cor. 5:11; 2 Tim. 3:1–5).
A covenant is sacred. It is not a safety waiver.
What the Book Never Says
The words adultery, lying, cheating, betrayal, gambling, pornography, and addiction do not appear at all. Neither do abuse, slap, hit, push, or violence.
The only substance abuse example is a story of an alcoholic who quits cold turkey at a spouse’s request—as if that is the normal outcome.
The far more common scenario—escalation, denial, job loss, volatility, arrests, and family devastation—is never addressed.
“Learn to Adjust” Is Not a Safety Plan
The workbook treats “undesirable behaviors” as something couples can simply adjust to. At one point it says, “The best way to help another to change is to make changes in your own life,” but offers no guidance on boundaries, consequences, or ending an engagement.
As I read through our answers, I realized something painful:
This Book Promotes Marriage—Not Safe Marriage
I married someone in my church singles group who was not trustworthy, someone with a sexual addiction. The workbook gave me no language for danger, no warning system, and no encouragement to step back.
I bought the latest edition to see what had changed. I didn’t find much. The same gaps remain.
Scripture Warns Us About Dangerous People
The Bible does not pretend abusers, cheaters, and deceivers do not exist in the church:
“But actually, I wrote you not to associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister and is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or verbally abusive, a drunkard or a swindler.
Do not even eat with such a person.” —1 Corinthians 5:11 (CSB)
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” —2 Timothy 3:1–5 (NIV)
What the Research Shows About Premarital Programs
Many Christians assume that premarital counseling classes prevent divorce. But research on couples who completed the 12-hour Christian PREP program tells a more sobering story. Even after formal preparation, some later divorced due to serious issues like infidelity, domestic violence, and substance abuse. Nearly 6 in 10 identified one of those as the “final straw.”
The study itself concluded that premarital counseling should not keep distressed or abusive couples together—it should help some couples reconsider marriage altogether.
I break down that research here: 👉 Research on a Christian premarital program
Communication tools don’t fix character problems, addictions, entitlement, or abuse.
Related Topics
- Did Forbes Really Say “Lack of Commitment” Is the Top Reason for Divorce?
- 130 Examples of Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Spiritual Abuse
- Red Flags to Watch for Before You Get Married
- Abuse Is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- 5 Bible Verses That Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- Does God Really Hate Divorce? A Look at Malachi 2:16
Better Christian Resources for Safe Marriages
There are better books out there to help Christians prepare for safe marriages. (Amazon affiliate links below.)
Helpful Marriage and Sex Books
-
-
- 1. The Marriage You Always Wanted, by Keith and Sheila Gregoire
- 2. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M Gottman (secular)
- 3. The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner
- 4. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- 5. Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
-
:
:
Buy PDF