Don’t Sign a Vow Renewal at a Marriage Retreat

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If your spouse doesn’t improve and continues with their marriage-destroying sin, these signed legal documents could weaken your case in divorce court. People in my private group have reported that their abusive or unfaithful spouse used it against them in family law court. These documents may be used as evidence that you okayed your spouse’s conduct in the past and cannot bring it up again. You’ll have to wait for a new betrayal. (It doesn’t need to be worse than the past, just a new incident since the date it was signed.) Tell your attorney in advance that you’ve signed one and your attorney can help you figure out what to do next, for example, they may determine it’s no big deal, or they may recommend that you request a no-fault divorce, rather than an “at-fault” divorce.

Let me explain why — and give you some tips to consider:

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For us Christians, it’s easiest to explain this as “forgiveness turned against you.” As Christians we view Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness as a central value that is important to our spiritual life and faith. But when forgiveness is used as a weapon, your abuser can claim that you wrote them a kind and hope-filled letter forgiving them—the court would see that as you excusing their previous behavior. This is weaponizing your forgiveness and using it against you. Under the legal doctrine of “condonation,” all their past offenses are wiped away in the eyes of the law, and you would lose your grounds for an “at-fault” divorce until their next new offense. (Talk to your attorney about getting a no-fault divorce instead, where such documents have no power.)

TIP: If you attend one of these marriage retreats or marriage intensives where they use emotionally charged ceremonies to pressure you to forgive and renew your marriage vows and sign a reconciliation document — and you cannot avoid it without being humiliated in the group — you can indicate this by writing something like “Under Protest” or “Under Duress” next to your signature. If even that is too much, just put “V.C.” after your signature. That stands for the Latin phrase “vi coactus” (pronounced vee-coke-tus)), which means “having been forced.”

If you are required to have your photo taken during a ceremony you can show your protest in several ways.

Recognized Duress Signals for Photography

• Crossed fingers: Signifies non-consent or that statements/poses are made under pressure, sometimes taught in survival school for use in propaganda images.

• Distress palm signal: Thumb tucked into palm with fingers over it, known widely for signaling immediate danger or need for help, but not specifically for legal purposes to protest the contract or agreement.

 

* Marriage intensives don’t work and are a huge waste of money, according to the survey of 330 people that I did. 98% of the attendees said it didn’t fix their marriage. About 7 in 10 are divorced or separated today, and another 1 in 10 is planning to. That’s probably why none of the big marriage intensive companies are willing to show their data. They just tell us to trust them.  Marriage intensives and marriage retreats are big money-makers for organizations like Hope Restored and Focus on the Family and Family Life’s Weekend to Remember. Their marketing claims are not regulated since they can hide under the cloak of giving spiritual advice.

In my opinion, their marketing claims are often fraudulent, and they refuse to give evidence on their success rate. See my many blog posts and videos:

1. Hope Restored doesn’t fix abusive or sexually immoral or addicted marriages. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/fotfevidence/

2. I looked at more than 50 marriage intensives attended by 330 people. The majority of attendees were later divorced or separated or planned to do so soon. https://lifesavingdivorce.com/will-a-marriage-intensive…/

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