What Experts in the PBS Documentary “Kids & Divorce” Say About Custody After Abuse
The PBS documentary Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse, hosted by journalist Dave Iverson, gathers psychologists, mediators, and judges to discuss how families can protect children during and after divorce. While it’s often shown in court-mandated parenting classes, the experts featured in the program express strong views on when joint custody works and when it can do real harm.
⚖️ Dr. Peter Jaffe: “Shared custody can create havoc when there’s violence.”
Psychologist Dr. Peter Jaffe, director of the Centre for Research on Violence Against Women and Children, offers the clearest warning in the entire program.
“It will create havoc for children in those situations that are not appropriate in the shared situation — domestic violence being one.”
— PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:42:04–00:42:14
Jaffe emphasizes that many forms of abuse — including threats, fear, and psychological manipulation — go unreported.
“Threats of death… even in a situation where there has never been police intervention… the risk is so high that that’s reason enough not to create a presumption [of shared custody].”
In other words, if there’s evidence of coercive control, intimidation, or fear, the goal should not be “equal time” but safety and stability.
🧩 Andrew Schepard: “Presumptions are dangerous.”
Andrew Schepard, a Hofstra University law professor who studies family court reform, warns that blanket rules — even those that sound fair — can fail children:
“The history of presumptions in custody law is disastrous… When we presumed mothers should win, it worked badly; when we presumed fathers should win, it worked badly.”
— PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:45:03–00:45:25
Schepard believes the legal system should act less like a battlefield and more like a public health system, where mediation and child development experts guide decisions. Each case, he argues, must be individualized, especially when a parent discloses verbal, emotional, or financial abuse.
💬 Dr. Isolina Ricci: “It’s okay for kids to know the truth — not the fighting.”
Family therapist Dr. Isolina Ricci, author of Mom’s House, Dad’s House, focuses on communication and emotional safety. She urges parents to remain civil but does not suggest silence about past harm:
“It’s okay for children to know what happened… but it’s never okay to make them witnesses to ongoing hostility.”
— Paraphrased from panel discussion, PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:09:48–00:15:09
Ricci teaches parents to manage anger as if dealing with “a business associate,” not an enemy. Her message: safety first, then civility.
👩⚖️ Commissioner Marjorie Slabach: “Hostility breaks a child’s heart.”
Family Court Commissioner Marjorie Slabach brings the legal system’s human side into focus. She describes how abuse and betrayal distort parenting:
“A lover becomes an enemy… that disappointment and that trauma creates such hurt between the two parties that parents really aren’t able to deal with parenting very well.”
— PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:05:13–00:05:50
Slabach refuses to ask children to choose between parents — a common dilemma in high-conflict cases — because it causes lifelong guilt. She aligns with Jaffe in arguing that the courts’ first duty is to protect the child’s emotional safety, not to guarantee parental “fairness.”
🧠 Dr. Richard Warshak: “Joint custody fails when there’s domestic or emotional violence.”
Psychologist Dr. Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, supports shared parenting — but only when both parents are emotionally safe and respectful. He clarifies that violence isn’t just physical:
“Joint custody doesn’t work if there’s domestic violence. It also doesn’t work if one parent uses the extra time to turn the child against the other parent and undermine love and respect.”
— PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:49:18–00:49:48
Warshak’s point bridges the psychological and moral dimensions: children are harmed both by fear and by manipulation.
🚫 Ned Holstein: “You can tell who will win custody by who’s wearing a skirt.”
The outlier is Ned Holstein, a fathers’-rights advocate and founder of the National Parents Organization. His position is that courts are biased against men and that shared physical custody should be the legal starting point.
“If you watch a couple walk into court, you can tell who’s going to get custody by who’s wearing a skirt.”
— PBS documentary transcript, approx 00:36:24–00:36:29
The other experts firmly reject his view, arguing that presumptive joint custody ignores safety, trauma, and power imbalance. Dr. Jaffe warns that this thinking “endangers children and adult victims.”
🪞 Consensus: Safety First, Not Symmetry
By the end of the hour-long program, the experts form a rare consensus across professions:
Joint custody only works when both parents are safe, stable, and cooperative.
When there’s verbal abuse, coercive control, financial manipulation, or physical violence, equal custody isn’t fair — it’s dangerous.
Marjorie Slabach puts it best:
“Whatever the truth is, there is enough hostility here that it’s going to break this child’s heart.”
📚 Further Reading
-
PBS Documentary: Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse (transcript excerpts, 2006)
- “Custody Disputes Involving Allegations of Domestic Violence: Toward a Differentiated Approach to Parenting Plans” (Jaffe, Johnston, Crooks & Bala, 2008, Family Court Review) — available in PDF form online. Santa Clara County Files+1
- A free PDF presentation: “The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children and Parents: Lessons learned from tragedies” (Jaffe & Reid) — used for training, publicly shared. stopfamilyviolence.pe.ca
- The book Child Custody & Domestic Violence : A Call for Safety and Accountability (Jaffe, Lemon & Poisson) is expensive to buy, but there’s a preview/partial free version online via SAGE/Internet Archive. https://sk.sagepub.com/book/mono/preview/child-custody-and-domestic-violence.pdf
- Jennifer Young, “Scapegoats and Aliens: Institutionalized Shame in Divorce Court and Mandatory Parenting Classes,” Peitho Journal, Vol. 20.1 (2017) https://cfshrc.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/Young_Scapegoats-and-Aliens_20.1.pdf
🧩 Takeaway
The experts in Kids & Divorce aren’t saying shared custody is bad — they’re saying shared custody must never be automatic. When abuse or control has defined the marriage, the first duty of the courts and parents alike is protection, not parity.
:
:
Buy PDF