LINKS, BOOKS, VIDEOS and RESOURCES on DIVORCE, ABUSE, and CO-PARENTING
Here are some helpful sources of information and help. Learning from someone who has walked the path will help you make good decisions. Scroll down to find books and resources that either I personally use or have been recommended to me. This page contains affiliate links that help offset the costs of this blog. Please click to order. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
- —Domestic Violence Hotline Phone: 1−800−799−7233
- —Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone: 800-273-TALK (8255)
- —Divorce and Christianity, Divorce and the Bible
- —Emotional Abuse, Adultery, Domestic Violence, and Sexual Addictions
—4a. Christian Books on Abuse
—4b. General Books on Abuse
—4c. Books for Men who are Victims of Abuse or Betrayal
—4d. Books on Spiritual Abuse - —Resources on Infidelity, Sexual Addictions, Pedophilia
- —How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Marriage
- —Biblical Theology of Divorce/Jewish Customs and Culture
- —First-Person Accounts (Men/Women) on Divorce for Abuse or Infidelity
- —Setting Boundaries and Dealing with Manipulation
- —Parental Alienation and High-Conflict Divorces (from Narcissists and other Vengeful People)
- —Books on Emotional Trauma, PTSD, Physical Effects
- —Safety Tips for Abuse Victims, “Flight Bags,” and Safe Words
- —Best and Worst Christian Marriage Books
- —Child Communication, Education, and Discipline
- —Sermon ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October in the U.S.)
- —Regaining Your Sexual Life after Sexual Abuse or Coercion in Your Marriage
- —Family Law Court Gender Bias in Child Custody Cases involving Allegations of Parental Alienation or Abuse, PLUS Court Watch and Advocacy Groups
- —”Am I Being Abused?” Self-Tests, Questionnaires, and Assessments
- —How to Legally Document Your Injuries and Emotional Abuse
- —Resources on Parenting Abused and Traumatized Children
- —Support Groups and Book Studies for Divorce Recovery
- —Domestic Violence and Abuse Curriculum for Churches
If you notice any broken links or out-of-date information, please report them here: Report Corrections Here
1. Domestic Violence Hotline
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Phone: 1−800−799−7233
- TTY: 1−800−787−3224
Internet / chat: https://www.thehotline.org/
Need Help? Dial 211 for Essential Services
What can you find by dialing 211 on your phone?
- Basic Human Needs Resources – including food and clothing banks, shelters, rent assistance, and utility assistance.
- Physical and Mental Health Resources– including health insurance programs, Medicaid and Medicare, maternal health resources, health insurance programs for children, medical information lines, crisis intervention services, support groups, counseling, and drug and alcohol intervention and rehabilitation.
- Work Support – including financial assistance, job training, transportation assistance and education programs.
- Access to Services in Non-English Languages– including language translation and interpretation services to help non-English-speaking people find public resources (Foreign language services vary by location.)
- Support for Older Americans and Persons with Disabilities– including adult day care, community meals, respite care, home health care, transportation and homemaker services.
- Children, Youth and Family Support– including childcare, after-school programs, educational programs for low-income families, family resource centers, summer camps and recreation programs, mentoring, tutoring and protective services.
- Suicide Prevention– referral to suicide prevention help organizations. Callers can also dial the following National Suicide Prevention Hotline numbers which are operated by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: 800-273-TALK
2. Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- Phone: 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Spanish: Espanol 1-888-628-9454
- Chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
3. Christian Books on Divorce
The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships
Written for Christians and other people of faith, the Life-Saving Divorce gives hope to those who choose to leave destructive marriages. It brings comfort to those who worry: Did I try hard enough? Will my children be okay if I divorce? What does the Bible say about divorce for infidelity, domestic violence, emotional abuse, or other serious problems? Free study guides. Free chapter-by-chapter videos.
Endorsement: This practical and straightforward book combines a traditional high regard for scripture with the latest results of academic research by Christian scholars and applies it to pastoral realities. The problem of abuse within marriage is shamefully common but rarely mentioned, especially in churches. The approach of this book is both empathic and well researched, employing the latest stats alongside clear advice. A must for anyone involved in pastoral work and a lifeline for those suffering within marriages.
—Rev Dr David Instone-Brewer, www.DivorceRemarriage.com
4a. Christian Books on Abuse
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
This book is written from a Christian perspective and speaks to women specifically, to help them identify and get free from emotional abuse in a marriage.
Is It Me?: Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, by Natalie Hoffman.
This book is also written from a Christian perspective for women struggling to make sense of a damaging marriage. It is a particularly gentle book that would work well to give as a gift to someone you know and love who seems to be in an abusive marriage, but hasn’t admitted it yet. Watch for the new small group curriculum that goes with this book.
Redemption from Biblical Battering: Your Path to Faith-Based Freedom, by Shirley Fessel.
This is a workbook-style book for Christian women in abusive relationships who are looking for a faith-based path to freedom. It is appropriate for a small group curriculum.
Out of Control: Couples, Conflict and the Capacity for Change, by Natalie Collins.
This book, written for the Church, gives an in-depth look at domestic abuse, using case studies and knowledge about abusive behavior traits gleaned from the author’s years of work leading workshops and helping the Church recognize and deal with signs of abuse in its midst.
So You are a Believer… Who has been through Divorce by Joseph Pote
For MEN OR WOMEN. When the life of a Christian believer is struck by the tragedy of a failed marriage, what is a godly response? What is God’s heart toward His children who have experienced divorce? On the topic of divorce, the Christian church has developed a system of biblically unsubstantiated myths that encourage legalistic attitudes toward believers who have experienced divorce. For Christians who have experienced divorce, belief in these myths acts as a barrier, distancing their relationship with God, and isolating them from fellow believers. (For more books on abuse for men, see below for additional options.)
4b. Books on Abuse (General)
Written by a licensed, practicing therapist, this book covers the effects of psychological abuse and recovery for victims in easy-to-read language. This book can be useful for male victims of abuse as well. If a person isn’t sure if they are being abused, this is a good starter book.
How He Gets Into Her Head and Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control, by Don Hennessy.
Understand how abuse happens in Hennessy’s first book, which is written in an easily understandable manner, to addresses controlling and abusive behavior from an intimate partner, especially of men towards women. The second book offers a path out of this control and into freedom.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. Also his book on how to leave: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Lundy Bancroft is a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, and he has written this book from that perspective, helping enable women to recognize when they are being abused and devalued and find ways to get free of abusive relationships.
Healing Well and Living Free from an Abusive Relationship, by Dr. Ramona Probasco.
Dr. Probasco’s own emergence from an abusive relationship and over twenty years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist enable her to offer this compassionate guide for victims of abuse to make the transition from victim to survivor to overcomer.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans.
This book offers real-life stories of abuse victims, along with strategies, sample scripts, and action plans to help those in dangerous relationships deal with the abuse and get free.
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick Carnes.
FOR MEN OR WOMEN: This book explains how trauma bonds work—emotional and relational ties that bind a victim to someone who hurts them. It is a book that also works well for male victims, as the author himself was in a chronic abuse cycle.
Recommended book by Gina Kaye, guest on the Life-Saving Divorce video series Dating after Divorce. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
4c. Books for Men: Male Victims of Abuse and Betrayal
Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Philip W. Cook.
FOR MEN: This book has been recommended by people in my private Facebook group. The Goodreads and Amazon reviews are insightful and positive, despite this being an older book, published in 1997.
Domestic Violence Against Men and Boys by Elizabeth Bates and Julie Taylor
FOR MEN: Contemporary research and practice around working with men and boys who are victims of domestic violence and abuse. The book features contributions from experts within the field who draw on the wide range of evidence that demonstrates the multifarious experiences and impacts of this victimisation.
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick Carnes.
FOR MEN OR WOMEN: This book explains how trauma bonds work—emotional and relational ties that bind a victim to someone who hurts them. It is a book that also works well for male victims, as the author himself was in a chronic abuse cycle.
So You are a Believer… Who has been through Divorce by Joseph Pote
For MEN OR WOMEN. When the life of a Christian believer is struck by the tragedy of a failed marriage, what is a godly response? What is God’s heart toward His children who have experienced divorce? On the topic of divorce, the Christian church has developed a system of biblically unsubstantiated myths that encourage legalistic attitudes toward believers who have experienced a divorce. For Christians who have experienced divorce, belief in these myths acts as a barrier, distancing their relationship with God, and isolating them from fellow believers.
Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Health Male Sexuality by Zachery Wagner
Mainly for young men who wish to find healthy sexuality and break the cycle of purity culture, such as “boys will be boys” and “not all men.”
4d. Books on Spiritual Abuse
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson.
Written for both those who have been spiritually abused as well as those who may be (inadvertently or not) causing spiritual abuse, this book helps explain how people get hooked into spiritually abusive systems, the impact of controlling leadership on a congregation, and how the abused believer can find rest and recovery. (This is a good book for a person who is addicted to pleasing religious leaders, as many of us raised in the church are!)
Untwisting Scripture, by Rebecca Davis.
This book takes scriptures that have often been used to harm people, or take away their rights, their voice, their boundaries, and their safety, and teaches us how to “untwist” those verses so that we can understand them as God intended us to, presenting the beautiful truth of God’s Word. It is a book about shaking free from spiritual abuse.
5. Books on Sexual Addictions, Adultery, Pedophilia
Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing, by Dr. Kevin Skinner.
In this book, Dr. Skinner uses his insight from over ten years of research to explain why and how victims of sexual betrayal often experience symptoms that match those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He also provides practical guidance in recovering from this unique form of trauma.
Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal, by Dr. Sheri Keffer.
This book is written for women, and it has special applicability for those who live (or lived) with a sex addict or a partner who sexually betrayed them in any number of ways.
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, by Tracy Schorn (a.k.a. The Chump Lady).
This is a funny, wry, irreverent book on being dumped by an unfaithful spouse. Tracy Schorn is the daughter of a Methodist minister and has a blog at www.chumplady.com. [Note: She sometimes uses profanity.]
Omar Minwalla’s Free Podcasts and Videos for Spouses of Serial Cheaters.
Podcast: Dr. Omar Minwalla is a Licensed Psychologist who speaks on sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, patterns of infidelity, intimate partner abuse and the resulting traumatic impact. https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/podcasts/
Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle – book on breaking free from porn
This book helps guys break free from porn issues. It has been recommended by multiple people, including Sheila Gregoire, author of The Great Sex Rescue. “In a world where there are 68 million searches for pornography every day and where over 70 percent of Christian men report viewing porn in the last year, it’s no surprise that more and more men struggle with an addiction to this false fantasy. Common wisdom says if they just had more willpower or more faith, their fight would be over. Is the answer really that simple?”
Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Health Male Sexuality by Zachery Wagner
Mainly for young men who wish to find healthy sexuality and break the cycle of purity culture, such as “boys will be boys” and “not all men.”
How to Report Child Molesting or Child Porn
If someone tells you about child sexual abuse or if you run across child porn images (real or not), report it immediately to law enforcement. Do not print it or send it or show child porn to anyone. Contact the National Center for Missing or Endangered Children and follow their instructions: http://www.missingkids.com/gethelpnow/cybertipline or by phone (1-800-843-5678). https://report.cybertip.org/
Podcast: “Speaking Out on Sex Abuse Podcast”
Jimmy Hinton and his mother, Clara Hinton, talk about pedophiles and how to protect your children and your church. Jimmy’s father was a pedophile and a pastor who had many victims before being caught and reported to law enforcement by Jimmy, and eventually incarcerated. https://jimmyhinton.org/podcast/
Church Resource for Protecting Children, Responding to Abuse, and Training Staff
The nonprofit organization G.R.A.C.E. (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) empowers Christian churches, schools, ministries, and other organizations to recognize, prevent, and respond to abuse. They do assessments, certifications, and investigations. https://www.netgrace.org/
6. How to Help a Friend Stuck in an Abusive Relationship
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women, by Susan Brewster.
Simply telling a person to leave their abusive marriage often backfires. In fact, it tends to drive them back to the abuser. If you want to speak in a way people will listen, this book is written as a practical guide for family and friends of someone in a dangerous marriage. Susan Brewster, a psychotherapist who has worked extensively with abused women and their families, offers tools and advice for those who want to support a loved one in her struggle to escape an abusive relationship, but who do not necessarily know how to do so in a way that truly helps, rather than controlling her or keeping her dependent on others.
Books on Making Close Friendships:
The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis.
Many people who find themselves needing a life-saving divorce want to build new, healthier friendships that are supportive and nurturing, especially if they feel alone as a single again. This old classic is still an excellent book on making and keeping friends.
7. Theological Books on the Biblical Text and/or Ancient Jewish Customs and Culture
Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible, by David Instone-Brewer.
This is a long, scholarly book for people who really want to dig into ancient languages and biblical customs. Instone-Brewer’s findings support divorce for infidelity, sexual immorality, abandonment, neglect, physical abuse, and chronic emotional abuse.
Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, by David Instone-Brewer.
This is Dr. Instone-Brewer’s shorter version of his work in Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible. It was written for pastors.
Keener deeply considers the biblical text and cultural context of the Bible in order to help us understand the true meaning of the words of Jesus and Paul on divorce and remarriage and develop a soundly scriptural view of the “forgiven” status of all believers: married, divorced, or not.
Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church, by Jeff Crippen and Rebecca Davis.
Together with co-author Rebecca Davis, pastor and author Jeff Crippen presents Christ’s body with a work steeped in Scripture that lays before us a map of the abusive mind, the tactics of abuse, the effects abuse has on its victims, and the tragic way our churches have failed the victims of this sin. He issues a clarion call for those who love Christ to answer the call to love the oppressed and speak for the victims, as Proverbs 31:9 says: “Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love, by Walter Callison.
Using Scriptural support, the author addresses the question, “What does God really think about divorce?” He urges readers to view divorce as a gift that, like grace, is often misused, but is a blessing from God. He advocates a movement from a judgmental attitude to a redemptive one.
8. First-Person Stories of Men and Women Who Were Victims of Abuse or Infidelity
It Does Happen to Men: A diary of abuse by a male survivor, by James Mackie.
This book is an informally written diary from the author’s personal experience in an abusive marriage, and how he finally came to grips with the fact that this was a toxic marriage that needed to end.
This book is valuable for Christian leaders who’ve had an unfaithful spouse. The author is a minister with an MDiv, who successfully defended his ministerial credentials following the divorce.
This is the author’s harrowing story of abuse at the hands of her husband—a well-educated, charming preacher no less—offered in hopes that her story would help other women caught in a cycle of domestic violence and would also give a balanced, biblical approach to counter such abuse (for pastors and counselors).
Give Her Wings: Help and Healing After Abuse, by Megan Cox.
This book is the author’s personal story of abuse. She gives excellent advice on knowing what to do, why abuse is wrong, and why and when to leave—all with a solid basis of powerful Scriptures.
9. Books on Developing Boundaries and Learning to Deal with Manipulators
This acclaimed Christian book on godly boundary-setting will help you learn how to set boundaries so you aren’t run over by others and taken advantage of by them. (While this book is very helpful for people who are rebuilding their lives after divorce, this may not be a good book for those married to people with personality disorders or spouses with a long pattern of abuse. Trauma survivors have criticized the authors for being too optimistic about the effects of setting boundaries, and for appearing reluctant to condone divorce as a healthy consequence for abusive spouses. See their book, Safe People, below.)
A guide on how to navigate boundaries in your workplace, including a substantial section (the second half of the book) that includes phrases to use when faced by a boss or coworker who tries to manipulate you.
This book specifically addresses setting boundaries with family members and loved ones. It includes explanations and examples, with anecdotes that help you learn how to respond to people in a positive way.
When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas Also has study guide.
Safe People, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Books for Teens and Adults on Christian Sexual Morality, But Without the Toxic Messages
She Deserves Better by Sheila Gregoire
This book helps parents bring up daughters who are grounded in their faith and care about morality, but are resilient against toxic messages that tell them they are “worth less.” Based on a study of 28,000 women, this book gives evidence-based advice on how to raise good daughters. Also see the puberty video curriculum for girls and one for boys: The Whole Story: https://baremarriage.com/the-whole-story/
Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Health Male Sexuality by Zachery Wagner
Mainly for young men who wish to find healthy sexuality and break the cycle of purity culture, such as “boys will be boys” and “not all men.”
10. Books on Hostile Divorces and Parental Alienation (When Your Ex Turns Your Child Against You)
See Section 17 for articles and podcast on gender bias in the family law courts.
Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex, by Amy J. L. Baker.
This book is practical and easy to read. It gives tips on what to watch for, as well as actual phrases to use when responding to your kids. It has a workbook-format section at the end of each chapter.
Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak.
The book is basic and practical. It covers more of the legal aspects of child custody, including situations such as kidnapping.
Toxic Divorce: A Workbook for Alienated Parents,by Kathleen M. Reay, Ph.D.
Toxic Divorce is an excellent workbook to help parents with their feelings, providing strategies and tips to de-escalate parental alienation so it doesn’t progress from moderate to severe.
Welcome Back, Pluto, by Richard Warshak .
This video is for parents, containing tips for parents who wish to reconnect and reunite with their alienated children. [Note: It is not meant to be watched with your children.]
Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce by Bill Eddy (lawyer)
This is Eddy’s book on raising kids after divorce. He talks about “1000 Little Bricks,” the bad behaviors of both parents, family members, friends and divorce professionals, that help build a Wall of Alienation between a parent and child. He is an attorney, therapist and mediator.
Bill Eddy is an attorney, mediator, and clinical social worker. Book covers the court/legal process of divorcing, including hiring a divorce lawyer, gathering evidence, and what to expect from your ex- and their attorney.
BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns by Bill Eddy (attorney)
In the heat of a custody battle, or high-conflict divorce, this is a book on how to handle vitriol, hate, hostility, and false accusations leveled at you by your ex. How to respond…or not respond.
The Narc Decoder, by Tina Swithin. Also by Tina Swithin: Divorcing a Narcissist
When your ex-spouse attacks you with insinuations, false accusations, and threats during the divorce process, this book will help you decide how to respond. Using real-life correspondence and a touch of humor, the author helps you see past the words, and look at the underlying message, then decide how to respond in a way that will help you in divorce court. Also check out her blog, www.onemomsbattle.com And You Tube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI4AhUPJiUSU_wqtSqRoaOw
FREE Expert Advice on HIgh-Conflict Divorces
Free Expert advice: Rebecca Zung is an attorney who specializes high-conflict divorce. Her blog: https://www.rebeccazung.com/blog-entries/
Her YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnhT4fBE1OWOn7c0Quxdf4w
Her Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rebeccazung/
One of her private Facebook groups: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorcetransformationsupportgroup/
Free Expert advice: Bill Eddy, lawyer, mediator, licensed therapist at High-Conflict Institute.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/highconflictinstitute/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnPDugfElJEgWCHbZhMGttw Web: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Free Expert advice: Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. Her blog and videos educate people about dealing with narcissists.
Her blog. is at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships
Her YouTube channel is: https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula
Her Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/doctorramani/
Free Expert advice on Co-Parenting: Tina Swithin is an expert on high-conflict divorce and co-parenting in a high-conflict situation.
Her blog, www.onemomsbattle.com
Her YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI4AhUPJiUSU_wqtSqRoaOw
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onemomsbattle/
Books she has written: The Narc Decoder and Divorcing a Narcissist
FREE Expert Advice on Parental Alienation: Check out Ryan Thomas, on the topic of parental alienation. When Ryan Thomas was a child, his mother (and her family) turned him against his father. Now as an adult and an advisor to alienated parents and manipulated kids on how to reconnect, he offers a lot of information, including free videos: http://ryanthomasspeaks.com/videos/. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ryanthomasspeaks/ Blog: https://ryanthomasinternational.com/media/
FREE Assistance in collecting back child support if your spouse moves to another state: OCSE
FREE: Look up gun laws regarding domestic violence in your state. Find out if you can remove your partner’s weapons from the home: Note: Depending on the state, you may be able to remove weapons from the house. Here’s the link to gun and firearms laws in each state: https://www.disarmdv.org/
11. Books on Trauma, Recovery, PTSD, Medical Effects of Abuse
Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman
Classic book on the history of trauma and PTSD by leading Harvard Ph.D. researcher. Explains the treatment and stages of recovery for trauma victims, whether from military combat or from sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or assault. It starts with getting to safety. This book will help you understand people who’ve experienced horrific life events.
The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk
Trauma from abuse or combat or being exposed to it can change both your body and brain. It’s no wonder that some people who were in long abusive marriages have health issues, often a “whole range of physical symptoms, including fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other autoimmune diseases…”
12. Safety Tips for Abuse Victims, “Flight Bags,” and Safe Words
If you are in danger, call 911 now.
Focus Ministries’ 9-page safety plan:
https://www.focusministries1.org/SafetyPlan.pdf Focus Ministries has curriculum for adults and teens, training events for licensed counselors, tools for pastors, books and training manuals, groups for pastors’ wives, domestic violence support groups. Their primary focus is women.
Domestic Violence Resource Center’s preparation list
https://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/
Domestic Shelters Database:
Find a shelter in your area. Also has videos on recognizing emotional abuse and recovery from controlling relationships: www.domesticshelters.org
Passport Protection (For Those Married to People From Other Countries)
Request that the U.S. government deny a passport to your children, which would prohibit your ex-spouse from taking the kids out of the country. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/passport-issuance-alert-program.html You can also speak to an agent there about your concerns.
Verifying Mail Theft
If you are concerned about mail theft, sign up for USPS’s Informed Delivery service that sends a daily email showing images of the the letters and parcels scheduled to be delivered that day: https://informeddelivery.usps.com/box/pages/intro/start.action
Life-Saving Divorce Escape Checklist (This is a helpful list, but don’t wait to finish it if you are in danger. Get to safety now.)
Low-Cost Counseling for Child Sexual Abuse Survivors
Together We Heal. www.together-we-heal.org
Support Groups
For those abused by clergy: SNAP www.snapnetwork.org
13. Best and Worst Christian Marriage and Sex Books
Looking for a good book on marriage to use in a small group Bible study or couples class? Here are the best and the worst according to Sheila Gregoire, a researcher whose team conducted the largest ever survey (20,000 participants) of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction.
Best and Worst Christian Marriage and Sex Books
Helpful Marriage and Sex Books
-
- 1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M Gottman
- 2. The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner
- 3. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- 4. Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
Neutral Books
-
- 1. The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller
- 2. Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat
Harmful Marriage/Sex Books
-
- 1. Sheet Music by Kevin Leman
- 2. The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly La Haye
- 3. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian
- 3. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. (tied)
- 5. For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn (tied)
- 6. Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
- 7. Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
This chart was created by Sheila Gregoire who published the findings of her 20,000-women survey of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction in her 2021 book The Great Sex Rescue. Using the findings, the team evaluated the top Evangelical marriage books and sex books. To see the evaluation criteria and the detailed analysis of each book, go here to download the rubric. https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubric/
Best Sex Ed for Parents to Discuss with Children
The Whole Story: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/the-whole-story/
Good Premarital Books (I have read the pre-publication galleys for these)
The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex
The Good Guy’s Guide to Sex
14. Books on Child Discipline and Educational Concerns
Discipline that Connects With Your Child’s Heart, by Jim Jackson
This is a good book for communicating with and disciplining young children. There’s also a Facebook page.
Why I Didn’t Rebel, by Rebecca Lindenbach (for teens/young adults)
For parent of tweens and teens (middle school and high school)
For parents whose children are doing poorly in school due to ADD/ADHD, learning disabilities, trauma, visual/auditory, speech/language impairment, developmental delays, or other problems. Website: Wrightslaw.com
This website helps parents get help for their children so they don’t fall behind or drop out of school. As a taxpayer in the United States, your children are entitled to receive a good education and accommodations if the child has disabilities. This website helps parents know their rights, advocate for their children, and know what local school districts are required to do and provide for their child. This website discusses the legal aspects, how to prepare for an IEP, how to request 504 accommodations, how to discuss the topic with teachers and administrators, and what strategies to use if the school doesn’t seem to follow the proper legal guidelines to assist your child. Other websites for parents, kids, adults, and educators: https://www.understood.org/ AND Learning Disabilities Association https://ldaamerica.org/advocacy/lda-position-papers/right-to-an-evaluation-of-a-child-for-special-education-services/ AND Families Together (Kansas) https://familiestogetherinc.org/about-us/
15. Sermon ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October in the U.S.)
Pastor Neil Schori of the Edge Church, Aurora, Illinois
Domestic Violence Awareness basic training video for church staff and lay volunteers (45 minutes)
RAVE Project – Sermons and Resources for Faith Based Congregations
Faith Trust Institute – Sermon Contest Winners
Evangelical Covenant Church – https://covchurch.org/ava/domestic-violence-awareness-sunday/
List of Pastors who accept abuse as biblical grounds for divorce: Their sermons on divorce for abuse
16. Books on Healing From Sexually Abusive Spouses and Enjoying Sex Again
This book has been recommended by men and women in my private Facebook group who’ve been sexually abused by their ex-spouse and experienced humiliation, fear, coercion, scorn, rape, etc. It is not a faith-based book. Lehmiller is a researcher with Kinsey.
The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Painful sex, marital rape, sexless marriages, and sexual coercion in Christian marriages are serious problems. Why do they exist? What can be done? This book, based on a huge 20,000-person survey of Christian woman’s marital and sexual satisfaction gives women (and men) advice on how to have a better sex life. Although many Christian marriages report happy sex lives, a significant number do not. Why is that? Today Sheila shares her startling findings: that many false messages in Evangelical marriage books make our marriages and sex lives significantly worse—and how to fix it.
Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Health Male Sexuality by Zachery Wagner
Mainly for young men who wish to find healthy sexuality and break the cycle of purity culture, such as “boys will be boys” and “not all men.”
17. Parental Alienation and Gender Bias in Child Custody Cases. Court Watch and Court Reform Organizations
This section is for academic studies or articles on parental alienation in the court system. For general books on parental alienation, and how to deal with it, see Section 10 above.
Academic Papers and Articles Documenting Evidence of Court Bias.
Currently, there is a problem in the U.S. and worldwide of court bias against fit protective mothers who disclose child abuse by the father. It doesn’t affect all judges, but it does affect some. Some fit mothers end up losing custody of their children. Here is a basic overview from Dr. Joan S. Meier of George Washington University who has empirical evidence of this trend and what you can do. https://gwtoday.gwu.edu/familiestoo-family-courts-discredit-women%E2%80%99s-abuse-allegations
By Dr. Joan S. Meier, George Washington University. Make sure your attorney is aware of these.
Meier, Joan S. and Dickson, Sean and O’Sullivan, Chris and Rosen, Leora and Hayes, Jeffrey, Child Custody Outcomes in Cases Involving Parental Alienation and Abuse Allegations (2019). GWU Law School Public Law Research Paper No. 2019-56, GWU Legal Studies Research Paper No. 2019-56, Available at at https://nij.ojp.gov/library/publications/child-custody-outcomes-cases-involving-parental-alienation-and-abuse. SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=3448062 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.3448062
Meier, Joan S. and Dickson, Sean, Mapping Gender: Shedding Empirical Light on Family Courts’ Treatment of Cases Involving Abuse and Alienation (2017). Joan S. Meier & Sean Dickson, Mapping Gender: Shedding Empirical Light on Family Courts’ Treatment of Cases Involving Abuse and Alienation, 35 Law & Ineq. 311 (2017). ; GWU Law School Public Law Research Paper No. 2017-43; GWU Legal Studies Research Paper No. 2017-43. Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=2999906
By Dr. Naomi Cahn, the Justice Anthony M. Kennedy Distinguished Professor of Law and Nancy L. Buc ’69 Research Professor in Democracy and Equity at the University of Virginia School of Law.
Article: Why Women Lose Custody
https://www.forbes.com/sites/naomicahn/2020/01/26/why-women-lose-custody/?sh=33b915b94641
“How Family Courts Treat Abuse and Accusations of Alienation.”
Podcast with Dr. Joan S. Meier, professor of Clinical Law at George Washington University Law School, and Founder and Legal Director of the Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP). She is a nationally recognized expert on domestic violence and the law, appellate litigation, and clinical law teaching and has founded programs to provide legal representation, advocacy, and counseling to victims of domestic violence. Professor Meier has co-written several significant pieces of federal and state legislation, and frequently delivers presentations and trainings to attorneys, judges, and professional organizations.
The Women of CourtWatch: Reforming a Corrupt Family Court System, by Carole Bell Ford
A fascinating story of a group of women in Texas who sought to reform a legal system that gave custody to child molesters. CourtWatch, played a crucial role in defeating five of the judges in the 1994 judicial election and turned the tide.
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ORGANIZATIONS THAT WANT TO REFORM FAMILY COURT and address corruption in child custody situations. (This list is from Lundy Bancroft’s website. Please check for periodic updates.)
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- Mothers on the Rise Dedicated to helping you form your own local group for court reform
- In Their Best Interest A place to submit your own story of a family court experience
- Center for Judicial Excellence
- California Protective Parents Association
- Advocates for Child Empowerment and Safety
- The Leadership Council
- The Battered Mothers Custody Conference Annual conference in the Albany, NY area
- National Family Court Watch Project
- Stop Abuse Campaign
- Kaydens Korner
- Custody Peace (associated with One Mom’s Battle)
- Family Court in America
MORE ORGANIZATIONS THAT WANT TO REFORM FAMILY COURT
FCVFC: Foundation for Child Victims of the Family Courts
Website: https://fcvfc.org/2021/01/19/the-fathers-rights-movement-a-good-thing-gone-wrong/
Phone: 866-553-6931
eMail: [email protected].
Listen to Dr. Carole Lieberman’s interview with Jill Jones-Soderman here. (You can see a transcript of that interview here.) Listen to interviews with Jill Jones-Soderman on the NAASCA podcast here.
CUSTODY PEACE
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/custodypeace
Website: https://www.facebook.com/custodypeace
eMail: [email protected]
THE COURT SAID
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thecourtsaid
Website: http://thecourtsaid.org/
eMail: [email protected]
18. Self-Tests, Questionnaires and Assessments: Am I Being Abused? Am I in Danger?
TO ASSESS YOUR CURRENT SITUATION
Stanford Health Center: Standardized intake admission and abuse screening questions
https://domesticabuse.stanford.edu/screening/how.html
Danger Assessment for homicide risk, Jacquelyn C. Campbell, Ph.D., R.N., Johns Hopkins
https://learn.nursing.jhu.edu/instruments-interventions/Danger%20Assessment/DAEnglish2010.pdf
OR use this link: https://www.dangerassessment.org/DA.aspx
MOSAIC Threat Assessment (Choose from: domestic violence, or workplace violence, or student threat)
Questionnaire: Are You In An Emotionally Destructive Relationship? – Leslie Vernick
https://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship-test.pdf
Questionnaire: Women’s Covert Abuse Assessment (enter your email and the questionnaire will be sent to you) – Natalie Hoffman
https://www.flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
TO ASSESS YOUR CHILDHOOD EXPOSURE TO ABUSE
The ACE Test: Find your ACE SCORE. How many ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) were you exposed to prior to age 18?
https://apps.npr.org/dailygraphics/graphics/quiz-ace/child.html
19. How to Legally Document Your Injuries and Emotional Abuse
Legal Documentation of Your Abuse – Free
http://www.DocumentTheAbuse.com
How to document both the abuse and how you resisted the abuse the best you could. (Abuse victims always resist, but they do so in ways that may not be evident because they are trying to stay safe.)
Calgary Women’s Shelter: Honoring Resistance – https://www.calgarywomensshelter.com/images/pdf/cwesResistancebookletfinalweb.pdf
My Dignity – https://www.insightexchange.net/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/My-Dignity-My-body-is-mine-First-Edition2694.pdf
How to Analyze an Account of Domestic Violence – https://www.insightexchange.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Insight-Exchange-Language-Lab-Example-from-PX-2019.pdf
20. Parenting An Abused or Traumatized Child
Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development
Karyn Purvis Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingwithconnection/?ref=share
Karyn Purvis’s book: The Connected Child available in Paperback: https://amzn.to/3mJh3YP or Kindle: https://amzn.to/3q8U4s4
The Healing Families Series. https://child.tcu.edu/tbri-video-viewing-guide/#sthash.XxuywfPj.dpbs
Trust-Based Relational Intervention. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/
Trauma-Proofing Your Kids by Peter A. Levine and Maggie Kline
Understand the different types of upsets and traumas your child may experience—and learn how to teach them how to be resilient, confident, and even joyful. The number of anxious, depressed, hyperactive and withdrawn children is staggering—and still growing! Millions have experienced bullying, violence (real or in the media), abuse or sexual molestation. Many other kids have been traumatized from more “ordinary” ordeals such as terrifying medical procedures, accidents, loss and divorce. Trauma-Proofing Your Kids sends a lifeline to parents who wonder how they can help their worried and troubled children now. It offers simple but powerful tools to keep children safe from danger and to help them “bounce back” after feeling scared and overwhelmed. No longer will kids have to be passive prey to predators or the innocent victims of life’s circumstances.
For parents whose children are doing poorly in school due to ADD/ADHD, learning disabilities, trauma, visual/auditory, speech/language impairment, developmental delays, or other problems. Website: Wrightslaw.com
This website helps parents get help for their children so they don’t fall behind or drop out of school. As a taxpayer in the United States, your children are entitled to receive a good education and accommodations if the child has disabilities. This website helps parents know their rights, advocate for their children, and know what local school districts are required to do and provide for their child. This website discusses the legal aspects, how to prepare for an IEP, how to request 504 accommodations, how to discuss the topic with teachers and administrators, and what strategies to use if the school doesn’t seem to follow the proper legal guidelines to assist your child. Another good website for parents, kids, adults, and educators is: https://www.understood.org/
21. Support Groups and Divorce Recovery Groups
Gretchen Baskerville does run Life-Saving Divorce support groups once or twice a year, but there are also other groups for Christians (and other people of faith). Also, here are resources for starting your own divorce recovery group:
Natalie Hoffman – Is it Me? book study – https://flyingfreenow.ck.page/groups (Even if her current group is closed, sign up anyway and she’ll alert you to the next group.)
Sarah McDugal – https://www.wildernesstowild.com/wild-support-groups
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group – https://www.btr.org/group
Helena Knowlton’s Confusion-to-Clarity ARISE group – especially good for women who also had childhood abuse. https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/arise
Leslie Vernick, MFT — Conquer Group – https://leslievernick.com
Debra Doak, CDC, CDFA – https://debradoak.com/divorce-support-group-application/
Heather Elizabeth – https://heatherelizabeth.org/page/12-truths-group-coaching-1
Sarah K. Ramsey is a fundamentalist pastor’s daughter who divorced now has a snarky, feisty online course — https://bounce-back-better.teachable.com/p/toxic-person-proof-book-bonus
DivorceCare hosted by WildStream. Wildstream is a Christian retreat center. This is a coed group held on Zoom: https://wildstreamretreat.org/ This is the only DivorceCare group I recommend for physical or emotional abuse victims. Not all DivorceCare groups have good leaders. Here are the pros and cons of DivorceCare.
FREE “Life-Saving Divorce” Private Facebook Group hosted by Gretchen Baskervile. www.facebook.com/groups/lifesavingdivorce. This is not a curriculum, but a very supportive place to be, free from condemnation for those who need a life-saving divorce.
If you wish to lead a group, I would recommend first reading my book, The Life-Saving Divorce. #Ad Paperback: https://amzn.to/3cF1j25Or Kindle: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr. It gives you the tips I have learned from leading divorce recovery groups since 1998. Some of what we are taught about divorce is incorrect. Once you start leading groups, you’ll discover that very few if any Christian divorces are “frivolous” or “I miss the single life” divorces. We were always told that only a handful of divorces are for very serious reasons, but multiple studies actually show that half of U.S. divorces are for a pattern of sexual immorality, physical violence, chronic emotional abuse, family-destroying addictions, or severe neglect/indifference. We were also taught that only people from dysfunctional homes get divorced, but that’s not true either. There are simply a lot of troubled people in society and in our churches, which results in about 1-in-4 highly religious homes experiencing interpersonal violence, according to the experts. The book also covers the landmark studies on kids and divorce, which concluded that if the marriage was very toxic, divorce was better for the children (up to 10 times better) than “staying for the kids.” To see the videos of the book study I did in 2020, or to use my book for training leaders (or to use it as a 9-week support group), click to download the FREE study guides for each chapter and FREE videos for each chapter.
Another option if you wish to lead a divorce recovery group is the classic book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. #ad. Any facilitator with basic Bible study skills can add the appropriate Bible verses and have a time of prayer and sharing at the end of each session. (It is a secular book.) If your goal is to give divorcees hope and strength for the future, this is a good choice. It has more topics (22 weeks of material), no shaming messages for abuse victims, and would be more comfortable for inviting people who don’t have a faith background.
Another option for groups—as the perfect follow-up curriculum—is Boundaries by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend which has a new fill-in-the-blank workbook. (Note: The Boundaries workbook requires the Boundaries book or Kindle. The participants need to have both the newest edition of the book and workbook = about $25.00 total. #ad)
22. Curriculum for Churches on Abuse
Church Cares Curriculum – https://churchcares.com/?fbclid=IwAR34OXgILy0GKXrCvb-uiTSlXTqm4QsHMokOhfGEqI4TjbxvdDXjKXTA27E
Restored (United Kingdom) – https://www.restored-uk.org/what-we-do/equipping-church/
Restored Curriculum – https://restored-uk.square.site/product/church-guide/61
Focus Ministries – https://www.focusministries1.org/training/tools-for-pastors
The RAVE Project – https://www.theraveproject.org/17-2/ AND https://www.theraveproject.org/resources/domestic-violence-the-response-of-the-church/
Institute for Family Violence Studies – Domestic Violence Intervention & Prevention: http://www.ucfm.org/chaplain/Lessons/Domestic-Violence-Curriculum.pdf
Nancy Nason-Clark workbooks:
Strengthening Families and Ending Abuse: https://amzn.to/3SBVpTA
Beyond Abuse in the Christian Home https://amzn.to/3LHO820
Responding to Abuse in Christian Homes https://amzn.to/3CcNbvM
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