Do my pastors have a say about me getting a divorce?

Many pastors are well-meaning and caring, but they are completely naive about the deceit and tactics of charming spouses who abuse, cheat, or are addicted. Many pastors love the Lord and believe in miracles, but they are unaware of the health dangers and safety dangers (to you and your children) of living long-term with such a person.


Many Pastors are Well-Meaning but Overly Idealistic

Many pastors are hyper-optimistic and convey a confidence that God will fix all highly destructive spouses, if you just pray and try harder. These pastors are often good and moral people themselves, and they lack discernment about abusers, addicts, and others with characterological problems. They've never seen the damage up-close. So some of these unsophisticated pastors are overly trusting that change can and will happen. Sadly, they are risking your life by doing so.

Many Pastors are Well-Meaning but Ill-Informed

They also live with the misconception that only a small handful of marriages are highly destructive, and it would be obvious to everyone which marriages these are. They were never told that about half of divorces in the U.S. are for very serious problems. They have a bias that people who attend their church, and listen to their sermons, couldn't possibly be hardened abusers. It's easy for them to quote Bible verses to you, but it's YOUR life.


Your Pastor's Life is Not in Danger. Your Life Is!

It's not their sanity, their reputation, their body, their children, their financial stability, or their safety. You are the one who has everything to lose. And only you know what's going on behind closed doors. Only you know when enough is enough. Only you can decide that trust is gone, and there's no sensible reason to believe your betrayer will change. A well-trained pastor will help you get to safety. They will ask: What do you need? What are you afraid of? How can I help?


A Good Pastor Supports Victims. A Misinformed Pastor Pressures You to Stay in Danger 


Further Resources:

Also, read Chapter 8 in my book, The Life-Saving Divorce: It gives 35 Traits of a Safe Church.

Divorce Saves Lives. When “no fault” divorce laws started passing one state at a time, starting with Governor Ronald Reagan in California in 1969, researchers wanted to see the effect. In states that passed unilateral no-fault divorce, they observed the suicide rate for wives drop 8-16%. The domestic violence rate by and against both men and women dropped 30%.  The homicide rate of women murdered by an intimate dropped 10%.   Stevenson and Wolfers, “Bargaining in the Shadow of the Law: Divorce Laws and Family Distress,” The Quarterly Journal of Economics (Feb. 2006): 267, 286.



Start Here

Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity

God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims

How to Find a Good Supportive Church


Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You

Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News

Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce


Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories

Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting

Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope


High Conflict Divorce and Parenting

Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith


Common Myths






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