10
This is Myth 10 of 27 Myths about divorce that aren't likely to be true of people who love God and take their faith seriously. These messages make us worry if we're pleasing God. They contain little accusations that our motives aren't right. They make us second-guess ourselves when we try to get ourselves and our children to safety. Many of us have heard these messages all our lives and wanted to avoid them.  So although these myths may be true for people who are selfish or immature, they aren't true for a person who invested their heart and soul into the relationship, even when the other person didn't.  See all the myths on one page. See the next myth.

MYTH: It’s your fault, because you didn’t give your spouse enough sex.

TRUTH: Cheating or sexual abuse is never justified. Your spouse’s sexual addiction or deviance can’t be fixed by giving them more sex.


This myth says that men who are getting enough sex at home do not have affairs or molest children. Therefore, the wife is to blame if her husband acts out. (It is much rarer—because many church communities falsely believe that men are sexual creatures and women are not—for this myth to be leveled against men whose wives cheat, too. Men usually get accused of not being loving and helpful enough around the home.)

The truth is that you cannot cure someone else’s sex addiction or deviant sexual behavior by having more sex with them. Respected infidelity researcher Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book Not Just Friends, writes:

“Most people mistakenly think it is possible to prevent affairs
by being loving and dedicated to one’s partner.
I call this the ‘Prevention Myth,’
because there is no evidence to support it.
My experience as a marital therapist and infidelity researcher
has shown me that simply being a loving partner does not necessarily insure your marriage against affairs.”[1]

As the old saying goes (and the Bible agrees)—

There aren’t any acceptable reasons for cheating, just excuses.

Of course, there are some people who will blame you for your spouse’s cheating. Yet those same people—if Christian—would not say, “Your spouse has a right to have sex with others if you sin.” If your spouse cheats because they need to see themselves in the eyes of a new adoring love, they need to go to counseling and figure out what’s going on.

Many unfaithful marriages can be repaired, but it takes hard work, and the unfaithful spouse must be committed to transparency and investing in the relationship. You can’t make it happen by yourself.

If a spouse cheats, the innocent spouse can forgive; but building a trusting marriage cannot happen until the adultery stops. Anyone can forgive a single incident (in fact, many people do), but serial adulterers don’t usually stop. They cheat, then come home to a loving spouse who pays the bills, keeps the household running, puts food on the table, and makes sure the kids are cared for. Many serial adulterers don’t leave or file for divorce. Why should they? They’ve got the best of both worlds.

Child Molesters and Child Porn

Many Christians want to believe that God will magically cure every child molester who acts repentant. But that is delusional thinking. To date, academic literature indicates that pedophilia doesn’t go away. The only published study that says it might was debunked.

James Cantor, a clinical psychologist at the University of Toronto who specializes in the treatment of pedophiles, says some pedophiles might think they’ve been cured when they haven’t.[2] Pedophilia is considered “a lifelong condition.” [3]

 


Footnotes:
1. Shirley P. Glass, Not “Just Friends,” (New York: Free Press, 2003), 2. This book is also excellent on how to rebuild a marriage after an affair.

2. Justin Lehmiller, “Pedophiles Can’t Be ‘Cured’ and It’s Dangerous to Suggest They Can,” Vice (1/25/19,) accessed 8/20/19, https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/mbzj5q/pedophiles-cant-be-curedand-its-dangerous-to-suggest-they-can.

3. A. Mokros and E. Habermeyer, “Regression to the Mean Mimicking Changes in Sexual Arousal


For more on this myth and others, plus stories of those who've experienced what you have, read Chapter 3 in The Life-Saving Divorce.

 

For more on the myths of divorce, buy the Life-Saving Divorce.

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