Does Love (or Infatuation) Blind Us to Danger?

Do We Blind Ourselves When We Date?

They say "love is blind," and that's often true.

We are so enthralled with our new romance, we don't see the worrisome aspects of our partner's character. We love being in love, so when we see troubling red flags we try to pretend they mean something less negative.

For example,

• • —Have you ever brushed off your new partner's insensitive comments and rudeness and told yourself he (or she) is just free-wheeling and refreshingly honest?
  • —Have you ever minimized the new friend's desire to text constantly—day and night—asking how you are, and tell yourself he (or she) is in love and is interested in your life?
  • —Do you feel uncomfortable when they flirt with someone else, yet minimize it by telling yourself they are just lively, energetic, and happy?

(For 49 examples see below.)

Where Did We Learn to Lie to Ourselves?

How did we learn to ignore our instincts? What teachings pressured us to sweep bad behavior under the carpet?

Some of it may be our own feelings of infatuation, our self-doubt, our desire to be in a relationship, or the modeling or instruction from our parents. But it may also come from religious messages promoted by our pastors, Christian speakers, and Christian marriage books.

Theresa's Story 

Theresa wrote: "I was a wife who wanted to do everything that a Godly wife should do to keep her husband and marriage happy. Early in my Christianity, I went to many women's conferences and workshops to learn how I should be and act being as I had no role model from my home. One particular seminar included the following list. NOW I can see how I indoctrinated myself into accepting the emotion and verbal abuse that I enduring under the name of Jesus. See if you can identify yourself in this. We were taught that in order to 'accept' our husband and make him happy, we needed to turn any negative trait/characteristic into a positive one and accept him for his faults. The problem is that we were never advised when to recognize it as abuse.

Due to this teaching, abuse went unrecognized, was rampant and I did not consider it abuse. Looking back, perused my computer files, I saw this and was amazed that I had encouraged women (early in my own marriage) to remain faithful to their mates because of what I was learning. I have asked God's forgiveness for my ignorance.  [Note: The following list has been lightly edited for clarity.]

Messages That Cause Us to Override Our Instincts and Misinterpret Dangerous Traits

The first column is the actual negative behavior. The second column is how we were taught to excuse it, minimize it, or reframe it.

When we see a problem, we have a lot of options on how to deal with it. Some common ones include: Denial, Self-Blame, or Revelation. See pages 370-379 in my book, The Life-Saving Divorce.  Or eBook: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr