Painful sex, marital rape, sexless marriages, and sexual coercion in Christian marriages are serious problems. Why do they exist? What can be done?
VIDEO #1 HOW CAN WE HAVE BETTER SEX LIVES IN OUR MARRIAGES?
In 2020, marriage author and researcher Sheila Gregoire and her team conducted the largest ever study (to date) of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction. They surveyed 20,000 women to find out the state of our unions, and how they got that way.
Although many Christian marriages report happy sex lives, a significant number do not. Why is that? Today Sheila shares her startling findings: that many false messages in Evangelical marriage books make our marriages and sex lives significantly worse.
When she compared Christian women with women in the general population, she found that twice as many religious women who believe in messages such as "women must have obligation sex," reported having pain during intercourse (vaginismus). She also found that teachings suggesting that men's desire was all important—and treating women's desire as inconsequential—played a key role in sexless marriages.
The good news? We’ll find out how to change the narrative so that we can have better marriages and sex lives. If a husband is loving and generous sexually, many sex problems can be solved. But for those of us who divorced to escape sexual abuse, intimidation, and coercion, Sheila's study offers us hope for better marriages and pleasurable sex when we remarry.
Her new book, THE GREAT SEX RESCUE, uncovers the teachings in conservative religious communities that make sex great—or make it terrible. Shiela Gregoire, is an award-winning Christian marriage author and daily blogger at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, one of the largest marriage blogs in North America.
Here's my 1-hour interview with Sheila Gregoire. She mentions a comparison chart she created to evaluate the top Evangelical marriage books and sex books. This chart will show you her criteria, and the analysis of which books promote a healthy sex life and which ones promote destructive messages. Get it here. https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubric/
VIDEO #2: RECOVERING FROM SEXUAL TRAUMA IN RELIGIOUS MARRIAGES.
Researcher and author Sheila Gregoire surveyed 20,000 women about their marital and sexual satisfaction for her book “The Great Sex Rescue.”
In this video we’re talking about what she learned about conservative religious women, marital abuse, and recovering from sexual trauma. Let’s jump right in!
00:30 – About the survey
7:40 – Sexual trauma that comes from evangelical messages about sex
7:50 – Damaging messages such as men’s sexual needs matter but not a woman’s
10:50 – Red flags of unhealthy marital sexuality
11:20 – Damaging messages blaming the wife for the husband’s affairs or porn use
12:45 – Lust defined. Treating someone as an object for their pleasure
13:45 – What is sexual coercion in marriage?
14:36 – The Kingdom of God means you matter to the Lord. He doesn’t want you mistreated.
16:20 – Porn’s effect on marriages, how many men use it, hope for younger men who didn’t use porn very long.
19:40 – Porn taints men’s view of their wives and of marital sex.
20:10 – “Do not deprive” passage in the Bible 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
21:10 – Porn-inducted erectile dysfunction.
21:20 – Men who don’t want sex and don’t touch their wives due to porn use.
22:00 – What does covert and hidden sexual abuse look like?
25:20 – Based on 1 Corinthians 7, can a wife refuse sex for any reason? (Yes, she can.)
27:20 – How to talk to your husband meeting your sexual needs.
31:00 – Men who are victims of sexual coercion. Wives who are sexually abusive. Arousal non-concordance. David’s story: https://youtu.be/23NBi6GKqUA
33:30 – Sexual consent in marriage.
37:45 – Does our sexual relationship breathe life into our marriage and make us feel more intimate?
38:26 – How do manipulative one-sided sex messages affect women’s sexual pain (vaginismus)?
41:20 – Which Evangelical marriage and sex books are good and which ones damage a woman’s sexual satisfaction? (The best book of the 13 bestsellers was The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner." The worst was Love and Respect by Eggerichs.) See the comparison chart of 13 books by signing up: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/gsr-rubric/
44:00 – Question from the Life-Saving Divorce group: Is virginity the only thing that matters in marriage? How do healthy Christians find sexual intimacy? Philippians 3:2-8.
45:00 – Why “Debt-free virgins without Tattoos” is missing the point. Character matters.
46:30 – A biblical sexual ethic reserving sex for marriage is wise.
47:00 – Individual character matters.
48:30 – How can you rebuild your sexual life, perhaps with a new partner after divorce? What kind of therapies did you hear about in the survey? EMDR
49:20 – Insights/quotes from Rachael Denhollander about finding healthy sexuality after trauma.
Are you going through a life-saving divorce? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, "Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians." Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS. This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Supporters and people helpers are also welcome. I’ve written a book about spiritual abuse and divorce for Christians. Also, sign up for my email list below.
50 MOST POPULAR BLOG POSTS
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- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.) — FREE study guides for each chapter. —FREE videos for each chapter.
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- 130 Examples of Abuse: Emotional, Physical, Financial, Spiritual and Gaslighting
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuseå
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims
- Jesus' Greatest Divorce Sermon - Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Jesus Said, "Love My Enemy"—Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God's Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman's Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and "God Hates Divorce"
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
Does God Hate Divorce? No, Most English Bible Translations Don’t Say That
- Malachi 2:16 Haven’t Our English Bibles Always Said, “God hates divorce”? No.
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and "God Hates Divorce"
- List of Every Known Puritan Divorce in Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692.
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
What If My Pastor Says It Would Be Wrong to Get Divorced for Abuse?
- 5 Bible Verses that Say You Should Separate from an Abuser
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don't Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month - October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I'll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn't Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You're Lying: We'd All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes "Two to Tango" and "All Marriage Problems are 50/50"
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
High Conflict Divorce and Parenting
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith
Common Myths
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and "God Hates Divorce"
- Myth: You Just Didn't Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don't Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don't Apply to Committed Christians
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GET THE BOOK! The Life-Saving Divorce is about divorces for very serious reasons: a pattern of sexual immorality, physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, or severe neglect. This book will give you hope for your future, and optimism about your children. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
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