How to Document Child Support and Expenses

and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce  

Fewer than half of ex-spouses who are required to pay child support actually do pay it in full. In difficult divorces where one parent may not  play fair or follow the divorce agreement, it is important to document everything, starting right away. This article gives examples of 12 financial issues to document and a free worksheet to keep track of support payments, medical expenses, and childcare expenses.

 

Click to download FREE Support Payment Worksheet

 

 

What Should You Document? When?

 

Start documenting immediately. The main goal of documenting is to be able to “paint a picture” for the legal authorities over the case. It needs to illuminate the pattern of behaviors without calling it by name.

 

12 Financial Issues to Document for Your Divorce

There are many simple financial apps and/or co-parenting apps for tracking childcare expenses and tracking the date and amount of the child and spousal support payments you pay or receive. In order to understand what the court requires, read your divorce judgment to review the deadlines and requirements.

  • Missed child support payment, late payment, or reduced payment. Know what dates and amounts your judgment requires. Write down date and amount expected, and date and amount received.
  • Reason the payment was not made or received.
  • Be prepared to give a report to your attorney of how much you paid and how much you are owed: in child support, spousal support, childcare expenses (clothing, daycare costs, unreimbursed medical, child counseling), and home repairs (if you are both responsible for the home), and other expenses (medical and life insurance premiums, for example).
  • Your ex is a grown up and has a copy of the judgment and they are required to follow the support agreement, not relying on reminders or demands from you. However...
  • It may help your case to send a regular written (emailed) reminder that your ex is in arrears. “According to my records, child support payments are behind by $_____. Please come current.”
  • If your spouse does not pay, you may want to contact your attorney or the court. The court may require you to fill out an application to determine arrearages. In some counties you can contact the DA’s office (the district attorney).
  • If you agreed to split the cost of unreimbursed medical costs for your children, let the other parent know the amount as soon as you know or as soon as you receive the explanation of benefits from the insurance company.
  • If your agreement includes a requirement to split the cost of home repairs, keep receipts for those repairs, and send a photo or PDF copy to them as soon as possible.
  • Larger home repairs may have to be agreed upon in writing in advance. Send via email or co-parenting app a photo of the problem and 2-3 repair estimates from a qualified person to your spouse in advance.
  • Document evidence that your spouse has more money than they claim. Do this if your spouse is behind in support payments yet seems to be able to buy new vehicles or expensive items, travel for leisure, or participate in expensive sports.
  • Document any promises your ex makes to pay for half or reimburse you, yet doesn’t follow through. Having this is writing is helpful.

 

Download FREE: Worksheet for documenting child support, spousal support, unreimbursed childcare or medical. 

 

From Brenda Linn, a mother who says a co-parenting app helped protect her in court from her ex's false allegations.

 

"I document EVERYTHING. My divorce is final but I still have to coparent with my ex. Only about 5% I’ve actually used in court to counteract my ex’s false allegations but I can’t tell you what a blessing that was!

I use AppClose for communications with my ex about coparenting and save individual “topical” conversations about important issues and also export the entire month of conversations and save them to a secure back up space online.

AppClose now offers a GPS check-in feature for drop off and pick ups so there’s absolutely so question about the times of arrival. I document and export all of these too which saved me in the court room when my ex falsely accused me of always running late when in fact many times I was 5-10 mins early. (Editor's note: Other apps also have GPS check-ins.)

I use an app called Alimentor 2 which documents custody notes, all parenting time. You can enter the custody schedule and then the actual parenting time spent, cancelled visitations, phone calls, finances, and more. You can then export a PDF report which is accept in most court rooms which will show overnights spent with each parent as well as the custody notes and percentage of time spent with each child. 100% worth the time investment to document!"

 

 

12 Incidents to Document for Your Divorce

These are examples of the types of incidents you may want to document.

  • Threats against you. “If you divorce, I’ll get custody of our daughter.” “You’ll never get a dime from me.” “I’ll destroy you in court.” “I’ll ruin you.”
  • Anger about the divorce. Trying to stop or delay the divorce: Not responding to letters, changing addresses without telling you so they can’t be served, calling your friends/family and telling them he (or she) wants to save the marriage and suggesting they pressure you.
  • Vitriol or hate mail. Calling you names, trying to ruin your reputation, accusing you of sleeping with everyone, accusing you of doing the very things they are doing. Saying, “if you were any kind of parent, you’d do this…” Or “you’re an awful parent, your child is better off without you.”
  • Stalking behavior. Driving by your house, standing outside your workplace, calling your boss, trying to get you fired, creating a crisis so you have to leave work early, bothering your coworkers. (Get coworkers’ statements in writing right away. Save their emails/texts and print them out. If you let time pass, they may not want to get involved.)
  • Not following court orders about visitation. Coming too early, coming more than 15 minutes late, not showing up at the scheduled time and place, picking kids up at school early and demanding the teacher let the kids out.
  • Hacking your phone or computer. (This is why it may not be best to document everything on your phone. Hacking is also illegal.)
  • False allegations with no proof. (Your attorney will ask them in court if they have proof. But it also helps to use a co-parenting app that documents your conversations and gives GPS location and time/date stamps to provide evidence about custody exchanges. See more below.)
  • Withholding child support. This is especially to be noted if your ex is also demanding you pay to get kids into expensive sports/lessons.
  • Financial abuse. Taking money out of joint accounts, refusing to pay support in a timely fashion (yet demanding you pay for the kids’ camp, sports, or activities by the deadline).
  • Constant litigation. Note this especially if it is happening over small things, such as not making a phone call at exactly 5:00 pm.
  • Disparaging comments. These can be about your family, your sex life, accusing you of having sex partners coming in and out of your house (which, incidentally, proves they are stalking you).
  • Claiming that something is true when it’s not. Denying something that turns out to be true. Saying the kids finished and turned in their report, claiming they had spent a certain amount of money on the kids’ sports uniforms, claiming they gave you items that belonged to you.
  • Not picking up or dropping off the kids within 15 minutes of the specified court-approved time. Not dropping them off at the agreed upon location. Cancelling visitation or vacation plans without reasonable notice.
  • Demanding leniency from you, but refusing the same leniency when you request it.
  • Setting appointments and standing you up. For example, if your ex insists on having a contractor come look at the house and sets a date and asks you to block out time, yet fails to show up and fails to cancel in advance.

 

 

From a mother who's been through it:

 

Start documenting now. Don’t just delete those hate-filled accusations, the name calling, and the threats. You’ll need them as evidence later. It will not get better. It will get worse. You may be hoping it will settle down and they get involved with a new romance, but don’t let your guard down. But the Lord is with you. Just keep being the best parent you can be.

 

From a father who’s been through it:

 

"My advice is usually for the women, because they have it so much worse than I did. Think of your kids. Custody is an issue. That’s why I stayed. I was afraid that I would lose my kids, and that was her first counter to me filing for divorce. She said, “You know, you’re gonna lose all parental rights,” and my attorney said, “No way. This guy has been a schoolteacher for 20 years. He’s loved. He has a tight relationship with his kids. There’s no way in hell that his kids should be totally taken away from him.” And she had to bring that up once, and it was never mentioned again. Take care of your kids. Don’t fear that a broken home is going to break your kids. Because keeping your kids in an abusive relationship will break them more."

 

 

It’s normal for the divorce process and recovery to take time, and your best bet is keeping the kids out of the gory details, validating their feelings and process, getting your emotional needs met by other adults rather than expecting your kids to do that for you, and calmly and continually modelling and requesting kind, respectful treatment from each member of the family to all the others—including you!

 

A Final Word of Comfort

 

Though you may feel you’re walking a lonely path, there are others who’ve been where you are.

 

Though the waters may be rough at first, there are calmer seas ahead. Get support for yourself, and maintain protective boundaries for your children as best you can; many kids, as they grow up, come to see the truth about how dangerous the marriage was.

 

Nearly everyone I interviewed for this book wanted readers to know that they are grateful for their divorce and are doing better. Many started this path feeling confused, discouraged, and fearful. They felt they would never survive.

 

But they did—with God’s help.

 

They talked about the peace they’ve found and freedom from being trapped in an unworkable situation.

 

Even those who are in tough court battles are glad they made the decision to leave. They no longer have to live with their ex-spouse 24 hours a day, and it makes a positive difference in their children’s lives.

 

God cares about you, and about your children, as you are going through a life-saving divorce, and you can cling to his promises of love and his presence with you every step of the way.

As a father shows compassion to his children, 

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

—Psalm 103:13 (ESV)

 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

—Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)


For more books, free videos, and support groups on the topic of high-conflict divorces and/or parental alienation, see Section 10 in my recommended books list.


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